Joke Thread

[Neil Young]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds

 

like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

 

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road

 

hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

 

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he

 

could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

 

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,

 

desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car

 

and closed the door. Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel

 

and the engine wasn't on!!

 

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a

 

curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

 

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the

 

window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as

the

 

hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed

 

him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the

 

road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

 

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody

 

about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying

 

and....wasn't drunk.

 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the

 

stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

 

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said

to

 

the other.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Look Paddy...there's that idiot that got in the car while we

 

were pushing it!!!!'

 

 

 

[witsend]

Luv Witsend.

[pearl]

 

Here's one from JP:

 

What is 40ft long & has only 2 teeth?

A coachload of pensioners

 

[KarenT]

J's current favourite (courtesy The Beano):

 

How does the moon cut his hair?

 

Eclipse it.

 

Karen

x

[Neil Young]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

***************************************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On another Septic Tank Truck:

'We're #1 in the #2 business'

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit please back in.'

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

'Hello. Can we pick your nose?'

**************************

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

At the Electric Company :

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'

**************************

 

In a Restaurant window :

'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station ,

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

[pearl]

Some seasonal ones

 

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can hoe hoe hoe

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

 

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

He had low elf-esteem

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claus-trophobic

 

One for Mumble:

What kind of bird can write?

A pen-guin

 

And one for Tally:

What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?

Sandy claws

 

 

HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Edited December 14, 2007 by pearl

[anita81]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

 

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

 

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

 

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

 

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

 

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

 

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

 

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

[Tally]

I don't know any jokes I could post here!

[Neil Young]

We have a huge council house in our street.

 

 

 

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

 

 

 

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

 

 

 

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

 

 

 

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

 

 

 

 

 

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

 

 

 

 

 

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

 

 

 

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle ???

 

[curra1]

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

 

 

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

 

 

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

 

 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

 

And it was a good animal.

 

And God was pleased.

 

 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .

 

 

And Adam said, 'Lord , I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

 

 

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

 

 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

 

And they were comforted.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

 

 

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

 

 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

 

 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

 

 

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

 

And they were greatly improved.

 

 

And God was pleased . . . . . . .

 

And Dog was happy. . . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or other....

[Neil Young]

Just try the top recording of the little girl phoning the demolition company. Its been on the radio but if you havent heard it listen, its very funny.

 

http://www.johntedwards.com/2006/10/...l-prank-calls/

[pearl]

The link doesnt work Neil, could you have another go?

[pearl]

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"

"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

 

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

 

Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course..."

"Great! I never could before!"

 

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

 

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

 

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

 

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

 

If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

 

He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.

[pearl]

A couple in their 80's are both having problems remembering things and the doctor tells them they should start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, the old man gets up from his chair in front of the tv. "Want anything from in the kitchen " he says. "Will you get me an ice cream" she says.

 

"Sure" was the response.

 

"Don't you think you should write it down ?"

 

"No, I'll remember it"

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too, write it down !"

 

"I'll remember that," he insists. " You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 

" I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down."

 

"I don't NEED to write it down ! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake !"

 

He toddles into the kitchen.

 

20 mins later he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs !!!

 

She stares at the plate for a moment. " Where's my toast ? "

[Neil Young]

<'>

A couple in their 80's are both having problems remembering things and the doctor tells them they should start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, the old man gets up from his chair in front of the tv. "Want anything from in the kitchen " he says. "Will you get me an ice cream" she says.

 

"Sure" was the response.

 

"Don't you think you should write it down ?"

 

"No, I'll remember it"

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too, write it down !"

 

"I'll remember that," he insists. " You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 

" I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down."

 

"I don't NEED to write it down ! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake !"

 

He toddles into the kitchen.

 

20 mins later he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs !!!

 

She stares at the plate for a moment. " Where's my toast ? "

 

LOL

[Neil Young]

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

 

And it was a good animal.

 

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .

And Adam said, 'Lord , I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

 

And they were comforted.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

 

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . . .

 

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or other....

 

Noah 2007

 

 

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,

 

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans'.

 

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying,

 

'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

 

 

However, immediately after the Lord has spoken it began to drizzle and there were floods which made life extremely difficult as Noah set about the task he had been allotted.

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his water sodden yard-but there was no Ark to be seen.

 

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the torrential rain! Where is the Ark?'

 

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I have not yet had Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission to build the Ark in my yard because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

 

We had to make an Appeal to the Secretary of State for permission to proceed. Then the Department of Transport demanded that a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.

 

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

 

Furthermore there is a Patent still existing on the original Ark and I am trying to make sure that this particular construction does not impinge on the requirements of that Patent which was taken out in Mesopatamia. I am confident that I am not contravening the restrictions imposed by the original Design Registration.

 

Getting the wood is another problem. All the decent trees have Preservation Orders on them and we live in an Area of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the "Spotted Owl".

 

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but again I got nowhere.

 

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

 

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

 

I'm still trying to resolve a conflict with the Equal Opportunities Commission on the labour I need to build the Ark ? in particular how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Certificates of Competency in Ark-building experience.

 

And then there is the naval establishment who are insisting that I instal all kinds of navigational aids, depth sounding equipment, short-wave radio communication to coast-guard stations to say nothing of the design of the lifeboats I have to provide especially in respect of the animal and bird components of the passengers.

 

And the last straw is that Customs and Excise have seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

 

So, please forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

 

Suddenly the rain that had been falling ever since the Lord had spoken to Noah stopped, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to

destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government has beaten me to it.'

[pearl]

Two exceedingly polite ladies, who have known each other since 'they were little gels' were in the habit of meeting up every Friday evening to play a little bridge.

 

On one such evening, as the log fire crackled, and the little glasses of port were being sipped delicately and their gentleman partners were discussing the ways of the world, one old lady speaks suddenly to her friend.

 

"My dear, I am frightfully embarrassed to ask this, as it may hurt, but," she pauses, "Well, the truth is, I know you and I have been friends for many, many years, but do you know, I cannot remember your name."

 

She blushes and a little tear comes to her eye, and she watches her friend go through all sorts of horrific emotions at what she had just said.

 

"How soon do you need to know" she eventually replies.

[LittleRae]

Hi Pearl

 

If you use The Neil's link and type in 'Little Becky' in the search box, a few of her items will come up. She's a scream - I especially love her demolition call

[pearl]

Ooh thanks Littlerae, twas me being stoopid not the link working, that was funny!

 

Here's todays memory loss joke, mining a rich seam with these;

 

A doctor was checking 3 elderly men for memory loss. He asks the first elderly man what 3x3 is. The man replies, "one hundred and fifty six." He asks the second man the same question, what is 3x3? The second man replies, "Tuesday." The doctor asks the third old gentleman what 3x3 is. He replies "9." The doctor says, thats good. How did you come up with the answer. The old gentleman says,"that was easy, I just subtracted Tuesday from one hundred and fifty six!"

[pearl]

Heres one I just pinched from another forum:

 

Why parents drink

 

 

 

the boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

 

?Hello "

 

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

 

?Yes," whispered the small voice.

 

May I talk with him?"

 

The child whispered, ?No."

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

 

?Yes."

 

"May I talk with her?"

 

Again the small voice whispered,

 

?No ?

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

 

"Is anybody else there?"

 

?Yes ," whispered the child, "a policeman ".

 

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

 

"May I speak with the policeman?"

?No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

 

"Busy doing what?"

 

?Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

 

?A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

 

"What! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered,

 

?The search team just landed a helicopter."

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

 

"What are they searching for?"

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

 

"ME."

[Neil Young]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

 

She answered

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'THE TEETH.'

[Mumble]

'THE TEETH.'

:sick: :sick:

[pearl]

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

 

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

 

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I really hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Neil Young]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

[pearl]

[Neil Young]

Probably the most ridiculous game on the internet ...........

 

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

 

but beat 398.7 !

[Mumble]

Probably the most ridiculous game on the internet ...........

 

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

 

but beat 398.7 !

OK - that's just cruel - to me!!!!!

 

I'm going to need evidence of this super score . . .

[Mumble]

This is the one I like:

 

Sling Shot Santa

 

No penguins get harmed in this one - just a few elves.

 

I can get 240, but I know you can get much further if you time it right . . .

 

EDIT: There's a reindeer at over 300!!! hee hee I could be wasting much time.

Edited December 22, 2007 by Mumble

[pearl]

Probably the most ridiculous game on the internet ...........

 

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

 

but beat 398.7 !

 

 

That is soooo addictive! My pb so far is 319.3

[pearl]

Heres one from mr pearl:

 

There are 10 types of people:

Those who understand binary numbers

And those who don't.

 

[Bard]

Heres one from mr pearl:

 

There are 10 types of people:

Those who understand binary numbers

And those who don't.

 

 

Just told this one to my daughter, and she's fallen off the sofa laughing. She thinks Mr P is wonderful!

[pearl]

He says he's glad somebody does!

[Bard]

Do you know the disney film, 1100101 Dalmations?

I almost bought her a binary watch for Christmas, but instead went for the alarm clock on wheels that runs around the room screaming at you when it's time to get up.

Edited December 23, 2007 by Bard

[pearl]

[Bard]

Happy Christmas honey, love to all up north. Glad to catch you in real time. <'>

[pearl]

That is soooo addictive! My pb so far is 319.3

 

 

320.2

[pearl]

He's on a roll here:

 

Dog #1: You're crazy, you should go & see a psychiatrist.

Dog #2: I'd love to, but I'm not allowed on the couch.

 

[pearl]

Happy Christmas honey, love to all up north. Glad to catch you in real time. <'>

 

*waves chilly fingers at Bard* Brrrrrr tis really the frozen north at the mo! Same to you xx

[Neil Young]

x2 - 3x walks into a bar. The barman says ?I?m sorry, we don?t cater for functions?.

 

I was arrested at the airport the other day for possessing a compass, set square and protractor. The police said i was carrying weapons of maths instruction.

 

 

Maths teacher mum talking to her son - "?if I've told you n times I've told you n+1 times"

 

 

Who invented fractions? Henry 1/8.

 

CRACKERS!

[pearl]

Happy Christmas Neil!