Neil Young Report post Posted December 27, 2007 THE TOP 20 CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink? Bourneville and Dean What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us! What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? Russell What do you call a man with a pole through his leg? Rodney Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? He's a fun guy to be with. Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem. Who was England's first chiropodist? William the Corncurer Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives? Because the Bible says He Brews What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters. What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even. On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside. What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper. What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away. What's furry and minty? A polo bear. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted December 28, 2007 Little Girl: Grandma, how old are you? Grandma: I'm so old I cant remember Little Girl: Well look in your knickers, mine say age 5-6. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Neil Young Report post Posted December 29, 2007 Knock Knock Who's there ? Wenceslas Wenceslas who ? Wenceslas train home ? Knock Knock Who's there ? Snow Snow who ? Snow business like show business ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Wayne Wayne who ? Wayne in a manger... ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Donut Donut who ? Donut open till Christmas ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Oakham Oakham who ? Oakham all ye faithfull... ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Avery Avery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Holly Holly who ? Holly-days are here again ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Rudolph Rudolph who ? Money is the Rudolph of all evil ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Igloo Igloo who ? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Mary Mary who ? Mary Christmas ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted December 30, 2007 A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!' Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!' The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!' 'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back. 'Your turn,' says the man. 'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Neil Young Report post Posted January 4, 2008 The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ###### out the window." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted January 5, 2008 Think its just me & thee keeping this going Neil I had to think about this one for a minute: A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted January 10, 2008 This is a funny story not a joke but couldnt think of a better place for it. The following is absolutely true: Mr p & his colleagues were talking about Father Ted. Our town has loads of catholics so the conversation veered to eccentric priests/nuns from their childhood. One of his colleagues was in the supermarket with her mum & two brothers when they bumped into an Irish nun they knew. After talking for a bit, the nun said, aaah, will you let me treat the children, (you will, you will, you will) And proceeded to take three easter eggs off the supermarket shelf & put them in her mums trolley. Then she left, so mum had to pay for them! I cant work out whether she was being really stupid or really clever! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Neil Young Report post Posted January 31, 2008 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..' St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask 'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.' The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter . St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. 'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted February 1, 2008 Doctor doctor, when I wake up in the morning I feel like a tepee. Then later on I feel like a yurt. Relax, you're two tents Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 9, 2008 Thought I'd revive this old thread as we could all do with a laugh. Tommy Cooper Jokes Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer than that then' ------------------------------------------------------------------ Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' --------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...' ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Imposter Report post Posted July 9, 2008 A bloke's got into a bit of an "tiff" with his wife one evening... His wife goes, ""Romantic"... you'd have to buy a dictionary to look that up!" "What?" he goes, "You never take me anywhere expensive, you never buy me any flowers... romanticism is dead in this marriage!!" He thinks over it and all the next day at work he thinks about, getting more and more annoyed. Eventually he gets home somewhat annoyed. His rushes upstairs and puts his best, smartest suit on... Goes downstairs, pours a couple of glasses of wine and sits leisurely waiting for his wife to come home... As soon as she gets through the door, he leaps up and rushes to the door, almost sweeping her off her feet... "Wooah" she says suprised... "Come on" he says, "We're off out somewhere expensive" "Oooh" she says excited, "where are we going?" He replies.... ...... ....... ...... ....... ...... ........ .......... ....... "The petrol station" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Imposter Report post Posted July 9, 2008 Okay... here's a musical one... What's got nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted July 9, 2008 Continuing the Tommy Cooper theme because I enjoyed screaming with laughter at pearls post Went to the paper shop - It had blown away A woman told her doctor 'I've got back ache.' The doctor said 'it's old age.' The woman said 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor said 'Ok you're ugly as well.' Went to the corner shop - bought four corners I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas. It's a funny place to have a door I know. Flo' (RIP Tommy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted July 10, 2008 my ds loves jokes he brought a huge book homewith loads of them - i thought this one was funny: What kind of flowers do monkeys grow? ChimPanzies!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chill2computer Report post Posted July 13, 2008 3 men die on Xmas eve, to get into heaven, St Peter says? you must have something on you that represents Xmas? the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says it?s a candle, St peter lets him pass, Welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, St Peter lets him pass, the Irish man pulls out a G String and St Peter says how the f*** do they represent Xmas!! Paddy says they?re CAROLS. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
