WWYD?

[V1971]

I met a girl through a friend of mine who has a boy aged 4 who, in my eyes, has ADHD and possibly ASD. The mother is at her wits end but always finds excuses for her son's beahviour, hyperactivity and naughtiness. Everything he is/does screams ASD to me and I am wondering whether I should be saying something. like that she should talk to her GP. I don't want to offend her, but the kid needs help and his Mom a wake up call. What would you do?

[pearl]

Ooo, difficult. Been in that situation myself. My GP's son was a year or two older than JP & was dx'd with ADHD, but I thought he was AS. I was also special needs gov at his school & attended his reviews. I never approached her directly, but told her about a meeting at my support group covering the difference between ADHD/ASD, but she didnt bite.

 

Quite a while after, she phoned me asking specifically about ASD, are we talking about your son or a patient, I said, my son, she said. When I said I thought she was on the right lines & had thought this for some time, she was quite exasperated & said, why didnt you say anything!

 

Trouble is, its a no win situation. I felt intimidated by her GP-ness, plus I could have been completely wrong & upset everyone for no good reason. I honestly dont think she'd have welcomed my two pennyworth until she was ready to hear it.

 

Anyhoo - he did turn out to be AS & is now getting the help he needs.

 

I honestly dont know what to advise, just wanted you to know I understand the dilemma.

[V1971]

Thanks, I am really torn. I wouldn't go as far as mentioning the 'A' word. I was thinking of asking about her son and when she starts complaining about his behaviour suggest that maybe she should talk to a professional for advice. Maybe she'll get the hint.

I was in her shoes 2 years ago and it was only when an online friend hinted that my boy could be autistic that the penny dropped and it was the best thing it could have happened to us. He got the help that he needed and is doing great. Everyone else was always finding excuses like 'nah, he is just a stubborn little boy, nah he'll learn to talk you'll see etc.' even my GP hadn't spotted it. So if I was her, I'd want to be told, but not everyone is the same.

Decisions, decisions....

[Flora]

What an interesting topic!! I am in a very similar situation. I have a friend with a son who has always had difficulties which have made me wonder...IYKWIM. His school have also suggested to my friend that her son shows signs of an ASD etc. She took him to see some sort of specialist (privately) to address his development and do some neuro-development therapy. Not sure what this specialists profession is (he is a doctor but not sure what discipline he works in) and he told her, after extensive assessment that her son definately has ADD (if not ADHD). She refers to her son as 'lazy and stubborn' which has at times upset me because I don't think he's lazy at all. She's quite hard on him (much like I was with Bill pre-dx) and it makes me wince because I really believe he needs a bit more patience and understanding. HOWEVER, and this is only my opinion; I have discussed at length with my friend the possibility of her son being on the spectrum but I'm not qualified to give an opinion so I have always held back. To my reckoning if he is on the spectrum they'll get there eventually, but if he's not I don't want to sour our friendship by suggesting he is... sometimes people just don't want to hear or see it, and I don't think it's my place to force it upon her. Maybe I'm wrong, it's just the way I feel.

 

Also, years before Bill was dx a friend of mine, who's a health visitor, suggested he had developmental problems and I was not pleased with her for saying it. Even now, years and years later complete with dx, I don't think it was her place to say that.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Flora X

[Tally]

I wonder if you could point out traits that are similar to your own child, saying something like, "my child does that too, it's really common in autism," and see how receptive she is to that.

[bid]

FWIW, I think it's better to wait until your friend raises any concerns.

 

The whole area of realising and then accepting that your child may have some kind of additional needs is absolutely fraught wth the whole gamut of grief/denial/anger, etc, etc. Even as a good friend, it's impossible to know where someone else is and any comments may be extremely unwelcome...as Flozza has vividly described.

 

Personally, I think that when someone is pleased that a friend raises the idea of ASD it is because they are ready (unconsciously or not) to take that step, IYSWIM.

 

Better to continue as a supportive friend, ready if they ask for advice than risk saying something and possibly alienating them completely.

 

Just my opinion

 

Bid

[Kazzen161]

I would agree with Tally, and go along the way of "my son does/used to do that.... but it is part of his autism". Leave her to pick up the hint.

[V1971]

Thanks everyone, I think I won't say anything for now but drop hints occasionally.

[oxgirl]

If it was me, I'd probably tell her about my son, maybe highlight some of the similarities and let her put two and two together. She might then start to ask more about your experience and your child and she might start to see a connection.

 

Tricky though.

 

~ Mel ~

[Karen A]

Hi.I posted a very similar question a few months ago and got several responses. ''Please tell me if I did the right thing -would you have wanted somone to say ''was the thread in case you would like to have a look.Karen.