another mum from school wants me to ring her

[witsend]

Hi - just got in earlier to find a phone message from school saying one of the other boys mums wants me to ring her. They didn't say what it's about but have got a sinking feeling it won't be good.

This boy is in DS1's class, last summer he invited my son for a sleepover (DS1 did not really enjoy it) but I asked this boy back for a sleepover here to return the favour - anyway both boys didn't really get on and my son was glad when he went home again. Since then my son doesn't 'play' with this lad at school anymore, he says he is weird ( ) and no one like him etc etc.........I have told my son a few times even if he doesn't like this boy he must not be mean to him etc etc and he says he isn't but this other boy is always making up stuff to get my son and some of the others into trouble!

Obviously with the school being so far away I feel like I don't know what's going on most of the time!

Having met the other boy I am guessing he has ASD type stuff going on too, his speech is unusually precise, he had an odd way with him and wouldn't eat anything but chicken burgers!! Sorry there's obviously more to it than that - but it was the impression I got. His mum did seem very nice when I met her, she didn't mention anything about ASD but then neither did I. I did tell her they hadn't got on too well at times when he was here but I did kind of gloss over it a bit 'cos I didn't want to upset her or anything.

So now I'm sat here wondering and worrying about why she wants me to ring her - I have rung but she's not in at the mo, I left a msg saying I'd ring back but didn't leave my phone number !

Thing is I've experianced this direct 'lets sort it out between ourselves' approach from other parents before and whilst it sounds like a good idea in theory I'm wary about it because it can so quickly turn into a pretty persoanl attack. Obviously I'm assuming she's going to say DS1 and her son are not getting on and it's all DS1's fault! I may be wrong - but I bet I'm not!!

Don't know now what to do, whether to ring her back later or not, I know I probably should but I'm feeling quite cowardly today!

Any thoughts ideas appreciated........

Luv Witsend.

[oxgirl]

Could it be that she wants to discuss AS with you, do you think? I only ask, because it would be a bit strange for the school to pass on a message like that if she wanted to discuss your boys' friendship as I would have thought they'd be more likely to deal with problems between children themselves, iyswim. Could be wrong, it could be exactly what you think, in which case it's very embarrassing and awkward, isn't it.

 

Maybe leave it over the weekend and have a think about it and see how you feel on Monday?

 

~ Mel ~

[lorryw]

I agree with Mel, she probably wants to discuss her sons possible ASD.

Bite the bullet and give her a ring just tp put your mind at rest.

Loraine x

[Suze]

Hi, I,d phone back.....could be she needs your advice about her son etc.If however it is to moan about your son and hers having a problem, I,d tell her the best thing to do is talk to the school and let them handle it.Best of luck suzex

[angel77]

Hi,

 

I would have a quick cut off reply ready like the others have suggested and give her a ring. It might me an invitation for something or just advice.

 

Good luck.

 

Angel.

[hev]

the longer you put it off young lady the harder it will be i would be like you and dread the call,it might be something simple,the thing with me,i put things off and just dread doing it and half the time its not as bad as i thought!! good luck <'> <'>

[witsend]

Thanks guys - your right Hev I am sat here putting it off but fretting about it. DS1 off to scouts at 7 so I'll ring her back then and get it over with!! I think !

Will let you know what happens.............

luv Witsend.

[hev]

ooh i feel like im in a soap and waiting for the next episode........ i will tune in again later <'>

[witsend]

Right - I've been very brave and made the call!!

Basically the other mum was saying her son is having a hard time at school and some of the older boys are bullying him (my son is same age as hers) and becasue my son is freinds with one of these lads he has been 'joining in' at times being nasty to her son too.

I told her I'm sorry this is happening and that I would speak to my son again about it all, I did tell her that according to my son her son is being very irritating to the others a lot of the time and says some pretty nasty stuff himself too.

She seemed to accept this to an extent and it seems my son isn't the main offender in it all so she was also asking me for names of other kids who might be being horrible to her son but as I don't know any of these kids I couldn't help her much.

I asked her if the school could help sort it out but she insists they are turning a blind eye to it and not dealing with it properly. To be honest I do feel very sorry for her because it does sound like her son is unhappy, but I do get the impression her son stirs up a lot of the trouble himself in the way he is with other kids but I don't think she realises this, also she pointed out that she is paying good money for her son to go to the school and she expects better, she is shocked that the boys sometimes swear at each other!! (They are teenagers).

So wasn't sure what else to say really, I think I was nice enough, but felt a bit uncomfotable being asked for names of other boys etc.

Also she said her son would like to be freinds with my son had to tell her I didn't think my son felt the same - felt awful having to do that but I know it's true.

Anyway I'm glad I got it over with, am going to talk to son again over the weekend to try and make sure he is not joining in with any nastiness towards this boy, don't know what else I can do. KIDS!!!

Luv Witsend.

Edited January 25, 2008 by witsend

[Karen A]

Hi witsend.I think you have done all you can.This mum should be talking to the school.It is unfair on you and DS to ask you for names.What would happen if the other lads found it was you who told on them. they may not be best pleased with DS.If she speaks to you again be clear that you will not discuss it.I am surprised that the school passed on the message it was not appropriate really. Karen.

[sueeltringham]

You could try a different approach and explain to your son that this boy is feeling very sad because the others won't be friends with him and are calling him names, etc. See what he says and then suggest that you and your son could help him by being his friend. Invite him over for tea/video/games, etc and have a programme of events organised that you know they both might participate in. Hopefully, then you get the chance to work on a positive relationship. However, your son might not agree to any of this (mine would probably throw a fit at first), but it could be worth a try and might give this boy an ally. Not saying it's going to be easy, though. All of the stuff going on at school is bullying, and yes, the other boy might be contributing/not helping himself, but it's still bullying and should be dealt with by the school! Good luck,

 

Sue

[witsend]

Yeah thanks Karen and Sue, I agree the school should be dealing with it, reflecting on it I think maybe she wanted to speak to me 'cos we (as mums) did get on when we met last summer and she maybe thought I could help and I guess you can't blame her for that, she is only trying to do the best by her son after all. But I don't think I want to discuss it any further with her, there's nothing I can do about the other boys involved and I've already had to make my son promise he won't mention the phone call at school so this boy doesn't get any more stick from anyone.

Sue there's no way my son would agree to being freinds with this lad, they just don't get on, I think his mum invited my son over when he first started at the school becasue this lad doesn't have any freinds and my son had been nice to him so she hoped they would be freinds. Fortunately he lives an hour away from us so they don't have to see each other out of school, I just don't want my son to be involved in picking on this lad to stay in with the in crowd IYSWIM.

Have just spoken to son about it now and am hoping what I've said has gone in. Honestly who'd be a teenager again??

Luv Witsend.

[JsMum]

I think the possiblity of the school is turning a blind eye might be a valid point and maybe a group of the mums getting together with the Headteacher and explaining that this is effecting too many boys and they can not simply turn a blind eye any more, by the mums been united the schools cant ignore it, I personally feel for this other boy too, maybe he does bring it on himself but he obvously is as vulnerable as the bullying children and I know how easy it is to blame the child who brings it on himself and he clearly needs some guidance and good role models to encourage better social skills and interaction.

 

I dont think parents should do it this way but she couldnt trust the school to protect her son, I personally would have to really reconsider another school but maybe because she pays good money she has to get on with it, but personally parents aproaching parents could be the beginning of things spiralling into parents getting upset with each other too.

 

I would try to get a Anti bullying advocate to maybe work with you, this other mum and once the others childrens mums are known them and together work something out with the Headteacher, every school has bullying, but some schools dont turn a blind eye to it and they have strong anti bullying policies and support for the bullying children.

 

JsMum

[Kinda]

Bullying is not acceptable and the onus is on the parent of the child who is being bullied to lobby the school if she is aware of it. I think you should help were you can with your own son and have a word with your son which I understand you have done. The other parent will be grateful for this as there is nothing worse than for another parent to not by sympathetic to their child being bullied.

 

Remain open minded, sympathetic and positive when dealing with the other parent and try and view how you would feel being in her position. Another point to remember is that sometimes the children kiss and make up and the parents because things have been said between them end up falling out forever. Children soon forget unlike us parents!!!!!