Help with Son's Friendships

[Kinda]

Advice Sought

 

My 25 year old son has finished university and has a good job and has mild traits of ASP. These are problems with relationships, tendency to want to be on his own, poor social skills, can be obsessive etc. He is aware he is different but he doesn?t seem to understand what is different about him and seems completely at a loss of how to develop and keep friends.

 

The problem is that he has no friends, while he starts friendships up with colleagues at work he doesn?t seem to be able to sustain the relationships. He says he wants friends but then when he comes home from work he will go straight to his room and study maths or go on his computer. And a lot of the time he?s happy doing this but when he has a period of depression he reflects on his life and lack of friends, hobbies etc

 

He is prone to depression which I don?t think is helped by his static lifestyle and while he says he wants friendships he doesn?t know or can?t seem to convert colleagues into friendships where you do things together.

 

He recently finished a long term relationship with a girlfriend. While he was in the relationship he was a different person very contented and happy but since they have split up he doesn?t go to places to meet girls and he appears very flat with no sparkle.

 

We?re concerned and not sure how to help him nor what the problem is. He admits to there being a problem but doesn?t know what it is or how to go about getting friends or start hobbies.

 

When we hear him talk to people we don?t notice anything different and so its difficult to know how to help him.

 

He?s very interested in maths and magic and we had thought there must be other girls out there who are also interested in maths so where would he go to meet the same.

 

I guess he?s just after friends but if they happen to be girls as well then he would be even happier.

 

As parents all we want to do is see him happy and do what we can for him and guide and help.

 

Any advice?

Edited February 13, 2008 by Kinda

[Karen A]

Hi Kinda.My elder son is only 12...so I cannot say that I speak with experience as an parent <'> <'> .However I wonder if whatever situation children are in as they get older one of the most difficult things is accepting that once they get older they need to live a life for themselves.At times there is little that can be done...other than being there...even when a grown up child does not appear happy.Karen.

[Kinda]

Karen A

 

I guess I haven't made it clear what we would like to know is how to help him help himself in making and keeping friends.

 

I had thought of this but if he has expressed a wish to have friends and knows there is something wrong but does not know what then I feel I need to help if I can.

 

I also thought that as he gets older relationships/friendships become more complicated and hence difficult to deal with ie more complex and perhaps less forgiving.

 

The fact that he is 25 years old lends itself to people (society) saying its up to him I fear. Had we known when he was younger that he AS then things may have been different and we may have been able to get specific help with this.

 

I guess your comments raises an interesting point as when we should stop helping him?

Edited February 13, 2008 by Kinda

[bid]

It's a really tricky one

 

I know I would get short shrift if I tried to help my DS, who is 18...

 

He also spends most of his free time in his room in his computer, but then he has a small circle of mates who he sees as often as he is comfortable with, I guess.

 

Has your son expressed a wish for any help?

 

Bid

[Kinda]

Hi Bid

 

Yes he wants friends at various periods but he doesn't know why he doesn't have friends. He realises he's different in some way but not sure what is different about him.

 

He suffers periods of depression and it's during these periods that the topic of friendships arises and he would accept advice as to how to go about meeting people. We haven't approached him with AS since he always fought against the Special Needs label and being diagnosed with dysphasia and at one point he asked for his Statement to be withdrawn.

 

It was only when he went to university that the statement was brought back since he found out he could get a grant and a laptop and extra help by way of exam time, written notes etc. So there is a deep psychological issue relating to acceptance that he is different in some way but I guess because he doesn't rely how he is different but accepts the consequences ie no friends of being different.

 

Its been a long journey for us as parents since we didn't realise he had relationship issues until the last 4 years or so and guess it has become more pronounced now that he is presently reliant upon friendships from work.

 

I would be the happiest guy around if he was happy with his lot but he wants friends but doesn't seem to understand how you develop and maintain relationships. The friends he has had he finds it very difficult to maintain the relationship and normally has a spat and doesn't put in any effort to repair it or he just doesn't bother contacting them regardless of any spat.

 

He has lots of other AS traits which I won't go into here.

Edited February 13, 2008 by Kinda

[oxgirl]

Hi Kinda,

 

Even though my lad is only 14, I can relate to a lot of what you say about your son. He wants friends desperately but has no idea how to go about getting them and then wouldn't know what to do with one if he did have one.

 

Is it a recent thing that your lad seems to be questioning why he doesn't have friends and why he is different? Do you think that maybe he is now ready to think about the possibility of AS when maybe he wasn't ready before? Is there an AS support group in your area or an AS young people's social group that he might be allowed to go along to? Maybe he might find that some of the young people there are similar in some ways to himself and might have something in common with him?

 

As I say, I know my lad is a lot younger, but in a few weeks we're going to visit a youth group for AS youngsters. It's the first time we've done anything like that and I'm hoping it might bring some opportunities for him to meet some like-minded young people and maybe make a friend, finally!

 

It must be really hard when your child is suddenly 'out there' in the big wide world without all the support that school can provide and you must feel quite on your own with it. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[bid]

It's really difficult...don't know whether my experiences as someone with AS will be any help, but I'll plunge in.

 

I've always found friendships hugely difficult, nearly always feeling 'let down' by other people because I was always the one left out or used by people.

 

The longest I've 'known' anyone 'successfully' is my DH (16 years next month), but then I wouldn't describe him as a 'friend', he is just him...sorry, that probably sounds horrible, but it isn't meant like that, it's hard to explain. I think he has to make far more of a conscious effort than I do. The things he likes about me are not things that I have to consciously 'do', IYSWIM. In a way he sort of facilitates me being OK, and looks after me...however I am in myself seems to be enough back for him??

 

When I was younger, I was desperate for a 'best friend', and to some extent I still am...but it is all so fraught.

 

Largely I'm happier on my own these days, so I don't get hurt. I have social interaction at work which I mostly really enjoy, and this is enough for me, together with the 3 or so 'social events' we have at work each year.

 

To be honest, I am so wary now of letting anyone get anywhere close to me.

 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that maybe we all have to muddle through to something that is OK for each of us? I'm not sure how much you can help your DS, as he's is obviously socially competent enough to get a job, etc, which is great...so maybe he's too able for a lot of the usual social interaction help stuff??

 

Sorry, this is all an awful waffle...probably nothing very helpful

 

Bid

Edited February 14, 2008 by bid

[oxgirl]

I'm not sure how much you can help your DS, as he's is obviously socially competent enough to get a job, etc, which is great...so maybe he's too able for a lot of the usual social interaction help stuff??

 

I guess that's the crux of the problem, isn't it, bid and this is what I fear for my lad also really. When they are 'too' able to receive any concrete help, as such, they seem to be just left to get on with it. I so hope my lad finds someone to love him when he's older but if he isn't that lucky I fear that he'll just live his life in isolation with no real support.

 

Sorry, kinda, that's no help to you, is it. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[jon79]

I wouldnt be soo dishearterned. If he has managed to get 1 real relationship with girlfriend in past then this will stand in good stead for future. He obviosuly has the capability and others see something in him to pursue. What would be more difficult if starting out from absoloute zero, least here have some level of base already acheieved to work off from.

Once have had one relationship affirms to other potentials that the person has qualties that others value and wish for. Have already passed a kind of "certification".

What does ring alarm bells and outcasts is if you have had nothing by late twenties.can be so far gone there is no coming back from hole found oneself in

Edited February 13, 2008 by jon79

[Tally]

Hi Kinda,

 

I have the same problem as your son with making and maintaining friendships.

 

I have had friends, and even a marriage, but at the moment I don't really have any social contact outside of work.

 

Speaking about AS might help him to understand his difficulties a bit more.

 

I am trying to find a social group near to me for people with autism/AS, or learning difficulties in general, but I'm not having much success.

 

Another good way to meet people is an interest group . . . another thing I am not having much luck with!

[bid]

Been out for the evening, but I've been mulling over the whole question of AS and friendship.

 

These are only questions...I don't have the answers!

 

Does/can someone with AS experience friendship in the same way as an NT person? I'm not saying AS friendship is not as valid/loyal/meaningful, etc...but is it/will it always be fundamentally different??

 

Does someone with AS always need the other person in a friendship to be the one who 'accommodates', for want of a better word?

 

Does someone with AS actually need an NT as a friend, because they are able to accommodate, whereas someone with AS can't do this as readily??

 

Oooohhh!!!!

 

Bid

Edited February 13, 2008 by bid

[Mumble]

Does/can someone with AS experience friendship in the same way as an NT person? I'm not saying AS friendship is not as valid/loyal/meaningful, etc...but is it/will it always be fundamentally different??

I think that's on the same lines as Chandler's wondering: "what hurts more - giving birth or being kicked in the man-bits? - One of life's great unanswerable questions because we can never experience both".

 

Does someone with AS always need the other person in a friendship to be the one who 'accommodates', for want of a better word?

 

Does someone with AS actually need an NT as a friend, because they are able to accommodate, whereas someone with AS can't do this as readily??

I'm really worried about these questions because I don't understand them Am I missing something fundamental in my understanding of what friendships are?

[pearl]

I'm finding all this really interesting, & its (sorta kinda) where JP is at.

 

He has never had a close friend, he was always kind of popular at school because he was so off the wall, & always had peers looking out for him, but for me the true test is whether this continues after school, whether your child hangs out with peers. And it never did, & I found that terribly upsetting, but JP never seemed to, which is the most important thing.

 

I think he would like someone other than us to do things with, like go to the cinema etc, otherwise he's not that bothered. He is friendly with people at work, and is going to his colleague's 18th party on saturday, and he goes to youth group still and to taekwondo, and that seems to satisfy his need to socialise, he either doesnt need close friendship or doesnt realise theres anything closer.

 

But I have always hoped for a friend for him, either AS or NT, who would share his interests & do stuff with him. The nearest he has is E, who is HFA, but without sounding harsh theres an inequality in the relationship as the gap between them is widening as they get older, & E finds it hard to cope with JP's growing independence when it is not happening for him too.

 

I've no real answers Kinda except to say I do understand about the being adult bit & how much do you continue helping, now JP is 18 we hit this all the time and it is hard to know how much to be involved & how much to back off. It sounds like your son has a lot going for him in his life, but I honestly dont know how you can help him with the friendship thing, sorry.

[baddad]

I can only quote Kate Bush's Mum:

 

"Every old sock finds an old shoe"...

 

I think sometimes autistic people feel a sort of social pressure about friendships that pushes them one way while other (more natural - in an ASD sense?) inclinations pull them in another direction and/or make those friendships harder to maintain.

My nephew (19) was absolutely desperate for a girlfirend, because this is what how he 'thought' things should be. He met a girl at college, and it took him about two weeks to realise that she was driving him nuts! He really couldn't cope with the demands of accommodating another person in his life to that degree. She was on the spectrum too, and was struggling just as much as he was. In the end, they decided boyfriend/girlfriend was just too hard, and went back to 'friends' which took the pressure off for both of them...

 

Most adults with AS I know seem to have maybe one or two close friends, and to be quite happy to keep wider circles very casual/arms length...

I think in your situation I'd be suggesting things to put him in an orbit where he might make a couple of friends (club or group based on a personal interest), but in a fairly casual way. if he was in a relationship, it may well be that the loss of that has hit him harder than he likes to let on (the problem with very small/close social networks is their loss is always keener), and he needs just to hole up and lick his wounds for a while longer. sometimes that process takes longer than even the person going through it realises!

 

hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[Kinda]

Hi all

 

Thanks for to all of you for responding to my request for help. All of the posts have made me quite emotional due to the kindness and thought that you have given me.

 

Everyone of them has been very helpful and so I hope you don?t mind if I make a brief comment to each of you:-

 

Karen A

 

When my son was older he had friends but as he grew older these relationships died out and he became more isolated. He put a lot of effort into studying and he enjoys this. I think also as you get older relationships become more demanding and hence require more skills.

 

I accept your comments regarding they have their own life to live as they get older and become more independent but if he wants friendships/relationships and I can help him then I will.

 

Oxgirl

 

Responding to your post got me thinking and I have realised the loss of friends has happened over the last 2-3 years. When he got older he seemed to have less and less friends and since he has been at University for the past 5 years they have all dropped off.

 

He struggled at University in terms of relationships and the amount of work he had to do since I think tasks take him a lot longer and so he had to spend more time keeping up.

 

His realisation of why he is different has only really come about over the last 5 years or so but he doesn?t seem to know what is different about him but that there must be something because he doesn't have any friends.

 

We are presently coming up with a plan of action which will involve suggesting he joins a society or has a hobby that involves socialising with other people.

 

Like all of us we are a bit fearful for them in the future and just want to see them happy, if this means sitting in his room doing his own thing then that?s fine by me.

 

I?m not sure about you but I carry a lot of guilt as why we didn?t see the problem earlier. Its only relatively recently that we have realised w'ere not the bad parents that we had been told we were (not literally but certainly hinted at over behaviour, food, not taking the normal stance over statementing and refusing help due to the way it was delivered and being isolated from the class for special tests etc).

 

Bid

 

What a lovely post and it was very moving to read. Your attempt to explain the unexplainable has gone a long way to enable me to understand just some of what he goes through.

 

Your reference to being ?let down? is exactly what my son says about others and the constant referral to ?being left out? or just being used for a lift etc.

 

I think my son is also happy on his own so maybe he feels under peer pressure to have friends and socialise? I think he reflects on his life when he becomes depressed and of course then everything is wrong with his life.

 

While he was at university depression was a particular problem which I think was very much related to stress but since he has been working for the past 6 months he has less periods of depression.

 

I would be interested to know why, if you can explain it to me why you don?t want to let anyone get near to you?

 

I too feel he is not sufficiently affected to get any specific help.

 

I didn?t think your response was ?waffle? at all and I?ve found it very helpful.

 

Jon79

 

I agree with you but there are times when I think it is going to be so difficult for him if he doesn?t go out at all and so we are encouraging his wish to socialise hoping it will lead to a girlfriend relationship. His previous relationship lasted for over a year and my wife and myself both adored his girlfriend and we all had a lot of fun together and it hurt all of us very deeply when it ended.

 

I agree I know my son could be worse off and there is hope for him with relationships.

 

Tally

 

I can?t approach him regarding AS as he will just flip. He is aware of my interest in AS and I know he knows that I think he is affected by it but it just seems a no go area at present. . Because of his reaction to being labelled with AS I think the idea of any specific groups related to it would not go down well with him.

 

The interest group is what we are presently working on for him, he has expressed an interest but he's not sure what he wants to do. Maybe he's very happy on his own and perhaps its only peer pressure that makes him want to socialise and perhaps we can explore this with him.

 

Mumble

 

The answer to your question is that the reference to ?accommodating? in this context is the fact that relationships require people to concede and accept issues sometimes that they don?t necessarily want to do or agree with. But rather than ?fall out? with their friends they agree with them or do something that they really don?t want to do for the sake of their friendship.

 

Pearl

 

This is exactly how my son is but now he won?t go to the cinema with us as it?s ?too sad? to go with your parents. When my son was younger he used to play a team sport but he would always be on his own and at the time while we noticed this we didn?t really worry too much as we thought he would change as he got older.

 

He can be very stubborn and so we have difficulty separating what is due to his personality and what is due to AS.

 

Baddad

 

I think you are very correct in what you say, his relationship has been ended for 6 months or so. I remember when I was that age it takes a long long time to recover.

 

Also if he has managed one relationship then there should be others, but at present he hasn?t got one friend nor is he doing anything that will enable him to meet others.

 

Thanks for your responses reading them and then writing this response has allowed me to reflect and understand more about what the problem is, a very cathartic experience

Edited February 14, 2008 by Kinda

[Deedee]

Kinda thank you so much for posting this and to all those who answered its been very helpful to me.

 

My eldest (NT but with so many aspie traits) came home from school this evening and we had a very long talk about just this,how weird is that? Very informative thanks a lot

[Kinda]

Hi Deedee

 

Thanks for your post and I've also had time to think and noticed that if someone rang him up and he was feeling like he wanted company then he would go out. Generally though if someone rings up he wouldn't bother nor will he generally make the initiative.

 

Its only when he gets desperate he rings someone up but by then they are so fed up with their previous suggestions of going out have been turned down.

 

Also when he was younger he would always buddy up with the unruly ones but since University he has mellowed himself and therefore when he has gone out with his old school pals he has found he doesn't have much in common with them anymore and so he's changed.

 

It also doesn't seem to affect him unless he is depressed and he then reflects on his life and lack of friends and then it becomes an issue.

 

Presently he's saying he has no friends but again is doing nothing about it himself, perhaps we should be asking what he thinks he needs to do to move things forward? I am really confused!

Edited February 16, 2008 by Kinda