Gobsmacked - Letter from Head

[Marnie]

I received a letter last week from the Head. This was in response to a letter I gave in to the tutor a week previously.

 

My son has been having a real terrible time with anxiety over a particular teacher.

 

In school hes no trouble highly intelligent and gives them no problems, at home it's a different matter. He frequently has meltdowns quite often over this particular teacher who also happens to be the year manager.

 

i think it's just her style of teaching he can't cope with.

 

Anyway the letter basically berated me for the issues raised, accused me of being the one with the problems not my son and the end paragraph practically told me to find another school!

 

i was so upset. I've had such a lot to deal with since he started there, a nasty divorce, the house is up for sale, my son was diagnosed with Aspergers after suffering nightmares and panic attacks and displaying what I thought was OCD. He seemed quite suicidal at one point and I had an emergency appointment with the psychologist.

 

Two weeks prior to this letter I had a lovely talk with the tutor at parent/teacher day and then what i thought was - finally - a fruitful talk with the Senco.

 

I am just gobsmacked with the two faced attitude.

 

 

I have left it with the psychologist people to deal with as none of my sons problems were mentioned in this letter it was all pointed at me.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Try and keep calm about it - you've had a lot on your plate. I know these this kind of things can be very upsetting. I'd ask (insist!) for a face to face meeting with the head. Your son has the right to an education and at the same time his needs have to be met. I recall being asked "for a word" during my son's first hour at school where I was told that if he continued to behave the way he did then I'd have to find another school. I was gobsmacked - in fact I left in tears. By the time I walked home, I was livid - how dare she write my son off! I phoned a specialist teacher from Spectrum (VTSS) and insisted they go in and observe. Thankfully that resulted in someone from the challenging behaviour team and spectrum sitting at the back of the class for three weeks observing what was happening. What they said they saw was an incredibly anxious little boy and they were able to advise staff with management strategies, etc. Anyhow, I saw the Head on Rs second day and despite the fact I was shaking (with anger mostly!), I told her that I was outraged she'd effectively written my son off during his first hour and reminded them that the staff had been forewarned of what to expect six months in advance (Rs nursery were attached to the school and had been taking him for visits 6 months in advance of starting school). I reminded them that they had not put any measures in place to assist him ie visual timetables, photographs of pupils/teachers, etc and that I expect them to do so. In addition, I insisted that staff provided a daily dairy of Rs day. I also told her that she should have been the one to have sought help for R, but I did it because she hadn't. Guess what I'm saying is start at you mean to go on. There's no need for 'all guns blazing' (just plan in advance what you want to say/write it down if necessary, but there is in my opinion every need to let a HT (particularly difficult ones!) that you're no pushover and that you want the best for your child and you expect them to help your child succeed at school - that's what inclusion is supposed to be about. In addition, if there are difficulties, then the school has an obligation to meet those. It's in their interests to help your child succeed!

 

Keep your chin up.

 

Caroline.

[justamum]

Anyway the letter basically berated me for the issues raised, accused me of being the one with the problems not my son

 

Oh yes I can fully relate to that one!

 

In my case I was told that the Ed physc said (so the head teacher said) that because I was a single mum and disabled I clearly could not cope with my children, I am an ex nanny, and my son was going off the rails!

 

There is nothing like kicking a person when their down is there

[Flora]

What a flippin' cheek these people have. I have had similar difficulties when my eldest son was at primary school. They were much more subtle about it than your HT has been, but the underlying suggestion was there. I didn't really notice it at the time (was too busy trying to deal with the difficulties to notice much else) but it was impossible to get the school to acknowledge my son's difficulties, and looking back on the paperwork there were lots of sneaky and subtle suggestions that the difficulty was me! 3 years ago my son's primary school HT/Senco and his class teacher told me that he was absolutely fine, didn't need any extra help and would never ever qualify for a statement. Now my son has a statement highlighting his severe and complex needs and is about to start at an AS specific special school. The moral of the story is... Don't give up, YOU know you are right, don't let them grind you down.

 

Flora X

[Kinda]

Cmuir

 

Wot a brilliant post with lots of great info in there!

[Marnie]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I think because my son will not kick up at school because as far as he is concerned you abide by the rules! they don't see him as having any problems.

 

A few weeks ago this year head had all yr 8 sorting out their tent sharing and activity groups for a trip in July. She gave them a deadline which my sons group adhered to.

 

There was one boy who the group didn't want as he wasn't friends with any of them. So my son was in instead of him, this year manager removed his name and reinstated the other boy when he went and complained to her.

 

So 6 boys wanting my son were overuled by her!

 

He came out of school in a foul temper swearing about this teacher and saying he was never going back to school again as she had ruined it all.

 

As far as he was concerned she hadn't played fair.

 

Anyway I called and spoke to the secretary (this was friday and I knew I was up for a weekend of aggro) she assured me it would be sorted out monday. Upshot was this year manager would not budge, even with me explaining that my son needed to be with his handful of frineds and would not be able to cope sleeping in a tent with people he didn't know. i then got the lady at the psychology place to call even she really had no luck. In the end one of the boys not to close to him offered to come out so he was back in, the boy none of them wanted is still in there.

 

When I went in the school for a meeting in November just after he was diagnosed the year manager and senco were like cold fish it was like talking to the wall, the senco asked if I was going to put him into the local school (this one is 12 miles) I said no it would be the worst thing I could do to him, a long story why, the year manager was only interested in getting his attendance up and him continuing to do PE!!

 

When I had the parent/teacher meeting a few weeks ago the senco yet again asked if I was going to move schools, my psychology lady can't believe she keeps saying this!

 

So thats three times now moving him out of the school has been mentioned.

[teachermum1]

Does sound like the school aren't being brilliant.

 

However, I would say about the tent thing that perhaps the woman was trying to protect the boy who nobody wanted. Sounds a little sad for him to be chucked out of a group, even if he's not their friend.

[Kinda]

Hi Marnie

 

I think the issue over sleeping in the tent has suffered the teacher's view that parent's shouldn't get involved in childrens relationship issues. But of course what they fail to understand is the problems your child has with AS and how important routine and people he can relate to are to him.

 

Its very difficult unless the teacher understands AS and you may unfortunatley maybe seen as over protective, it just makes me so frustrated to see this behaviour from the teachers and a blank refusal to deal with the issue. I know its been resolved but perhaps a way to approach the school next time is armed with articles from the internet which explains the issues your son faces.

[Marnie]

This is what is annoying. I had a lengthy meeting with this teacher and the senco last November and basically told them all the problems and how it all affected my son. They really didn't want to know.

 

Again when the tent business happened I went over yet again how he couldn't cope with being in a tent with people he didn't know.

 

At that meeting when the year manager asked the senco what set up the school had for children with Aspergers, she said nothing, we don't argue with them, if they don't want to do something they can sit at the back of the class!

 

She also said he didn't need friends as he had himself.

 

With that type of attitude to be honest I'm not surprised with the letter!

 

He has a handful of friends at school, no one outside school. They know him and hes comfortable with them. They accept him how he is. I find it really unacceptable that the school can't see that some really minor adjustments at school will help so much.

[lynne]

Dear Marnie,

 

Schools have to make reasonable adjustments for students with special needs. Allowing you son to share a tent with children he is comfortable with would be a reasonable adjustment. Failure to do this would be discrimminating against his disability.

 

You need to state this to the headperson, senco, teacher and organiser of the trip so they know you are aware of the rights of your child.

Lyn

Edited March 28, 2008 by lynne

[Kinda]

Hi Marnie

 

A further thought perhaps they feel they can't cope with trying to understand and then have to deal with the issues your son faces so perhaps just try reinforcing the need for stability with his friends and routine etc in the first instance. I know from my own experience they say they want to know but find it difficult to understand then convert that to how they behave towards situations.

 

I think they thought I was too involved in my son's education and I had an agreement with my son that I only got involved (when he out of his teens and at University when he just couldn't cope anymore or felt they were not responding to his complaints and issues and he felt he had failed when I got involved I felt they tried to fob the students off at best or at worse just ignore them). The point I'm trying to make is they may see you as overprotective but of course they don't realise why you are that way, you are trying to make them aware of the issues your son faces and if they react accordingly your son has less stress and anxiety on them.

 

Perhaps a clear the air when the time is right on the basis of why you have to "guide" them to help them understand your son, obviously put a lot more diplomatically.

Edited March 29, 2008 by Kinda

[Marnie]

Thank you both.

 

i am waiting on a meeting that the psychology people are going to organise and these are the type of points i will yet again try to get across to them.

 

I too believe it is a form of discrimination and trying to put the blame on me is not going to resolve the issues.

 

I never go in all guns blazing etc. I am reasonable but firm.

 

But feel at least for now I am hitting my head against a brick wall, it's as though they are not interested in anyone with a problem!

[Annea]

I too feel for you,

I tribunal the chair of governors told everyone that he had worked with parents like me before, parents who seem to get a buzz out of being in the limelight and mean while causing the very problems they pretend to be anxious about!!

He also went on to say disabled children should be grateful for what they get!!!!

 

I now have those comments in writing by the chair of the panel as a permanant record of his comments but even though I know its rubbish, it still stings.

 

I would ask to speak to him in a meeting that is witnessed and fully minuted! If he refuses, make a formal complaint to the governing body. I would also take up Lynne poisnt about dissability discrimination, we took our case forward and won, it opened a huge can of worms, and showed the school had non of the legal policies that they should have, had no training and were basically ignorant.

 

I too have loads on my plate as you can see by my other posts, it is so hard sometimes trying to juggle things and stay sane. but bit by bit you will get there, just make sureyou have ALL the independent representation you can find, get them to share the load. IPSEA have saved my sanity!

 

Good luck with everything and remember the Ed Psychs are employed by the LEA and even though ours wanted to side with us, when push came to shove, she always sided with the school and added fuel to the fire against us, just saying this because you said you are leaving things for the psych to sort out... it just didn't pan out like that for us!

 

Hope things improve quickly!!

 

Anne x

[Marnie]

Thanks for that.

 

I have been told by CAMHS they have arrange a meeting for the 8th May, but it appears just the senco will be involved in that, unfortunately the meeting is over 20 miles away at 3.30pm, no way can I be in two places at once and to be honest the location would be extremely difficult for me to get to.

 

I have therefore had to settle for a follow up meeting being set to have my chance to respond to what is said!

 

The person I generally deal with at CAMHS is very nice and I know will do what she can and put my points across for me, also the psychologist is apparently very upset that I received the letter from the school. He will put things right on that score for me at least.

 

I can't believe the school has no other children with problems, the law of averages means they must have and to deal with children in the manner they have with us is unacceptable. I believe they have made a big mistake sending me that letter when I told them 6 months ago what had been diagnosed!