How should I feel?

[Mumble]

This is probably going to come across as what some NTs term 'heartless' (which I don't understand because I do have a heart, otherwise I would be dead). I hope though that you'll understand

 

I should explain that I'm alexithymic in addition to autistic which seems to make it doubly hard to recognise and verbalise my feelings.

 

My Mum went into hospital last night and she's having an operation right now. Although the operation itself is low risk, the anaesthetic isn't because of her poor health. My sister's gone home to be with her, but I haven't - I just don't know what I would be expected to do, but now I'm sitting here thinking I should feel something - fear or guilt maybe? But I feel nothing. Zilch. I feel very 'detached' from the world as if it's continuing and I'm floating along by. The only thing I feel guilty about is having not done any college work today because I can't focus on anything and that I might get into trouble for that.

 

I know this is wrong, but I just don't know how I should feel? My body seems to have decided just to do nothing, which I don't really understand and I'm trying to force myself to do some work, but maybe that's the wrong thing to do. I guess aside from the wrong type of guilt the only thing I feel is confusion at not knowing how I feel or how I should feel and at my body being a bit of an ostrich and almost acting as if nothing's up.

[Kinda]

Hi Mumble

 

Sorry to hear about your mum and I guess you are asking an NT what they MAY feel. Well it depends on how close you are I suppose, but if you were close then you would probably be concerned as to whether she will be OK after the operation. It depends on the risk, but generally if you go into hospital then there is a risk and depending upon how busy you are then it would be traditional to be there when the come around so long as its not too far to travel.

 

But considering the risk of the anaesthetic then I guess it would be more common to be there for your mum, it would be showing concern (in NT terms) for your mums health as well as signaling your love for her.

 

Having said all that I have not spoken to my mum for some 20 years I don't feel anything for here almost like an emptyness, a void.

 

Hope that helps.

[warrenpenalver]

MUmble also remember with all the stress your under with everything around you you may well have a touch of depression and one of the symptoms of depression is emotional numbness/coldness.

 

Plus in this situation why should you feel guilty?? why waste a journey home? if something went wrong then sure go home.

[Karen A]

Mumble <'> <'> I was a nurse for a long time.I can honestly say that people react to anxiety in all sorts of ways and feeling numb is very common and in my experience very normal.The fact that you have had a tough time in the last few weeks and ?? are on medication for anxiety may also effect how you feel.

This is a very personal opinion from somone who has been through some tough times....sometimes the most important thing is to do what is right for you at the time.Other people may not understand but that is their problem.

I have personal experience of being with my mum when she was very unwell and I was not able to cope with the stress at the time.I pushed myself because I was a nurse and loved her.I ended up needing a lot of support to return to London on the train one afternoon after narrowly avoiding being admited to hospital following a panic attack.It is not an experience I would put my family through again.Hence I do not recommend doing anything that is not manageabe in order to show love or concern. <'> <'> Karen.

[llisa32]

Hiya <'>

 

I think because you are 'waiting' to hear some news back from your sis you're probably feeling a little in 'limbo' at moment and hence no feelings you can 'define' are coming forward.

 

I certainly do not think you need to feel guilty for not being there - it's pretty usual for family members to split 'duties' when theres a fair amount of travel involved - as there would be for you. Plus you yourself have not been that well lately either..

 

You know your sis is there doing the 'duty thing' and if anything 'happens' she will let you know...there is nothing more you could do really.

 

Certainly do not feel guilty - there are plenty of us with parents who do not make good patients, and we do our best to share em out amongst whatever other family is available!

[pookie170]

Hey Mumble, I'm NT(as NT as anyone gets, anyway!) and went through similar stuff with both parents.

I've got to say, that during their hospitalisations, I behaved a great deal more like you than my siblings or other relatives. That doesn't mean I didn't care but I don't really get terribly upset unless a situation is serious. My sis, on t'other hand, was a bit of an emotional wreck but that's just how she is. It didn't bug me that she sobbed and such,in fact looking after her gave our equally emotional Aunt something to occupy herself with. My Dad remained rather stoic when it was our mum that was ill, so I s'pose I take after him. And my wee brother was totally dazed by it all, I think it was the confusion as much as the worry that made him cry.

 

Karen is totally right-everyone reacts differently, it doesn't mean that you care less than your sister though. I actually think the fact that you're in such turmoil over how you're reacting points to how much you DO care. I also want to say that when it came to my Dad's long term personal care, there were certain things I just could not do, yet my sister could.....again, I put this down to our very different personalities, she's always going to be much more of a nurse than me, I just can't do it. I know thats not the issue here, but I do think it reinforces the idea that everyone copes in different ways- I certainly don't think you care any less than your sister, Mumble. Although that might not be clear as I can see I've just done a classic Esther waffle!!

 

I hope all goes well with your Mum. Take care, and let us know how she gets on, okay?

 

Esther x

[Lynden]

I think this varies hugely in NT people too Mumble. When my mum had a brain haemorrhage 11 years ago, my sisters and I all went to the hospital, but as she started to recover my younger sister treated her exactly the same and made no allowances for her illness at all - still doesn't really. Everyone reacts to these things differently.

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

you are you

treat this all as you can do in the best way you can

if that makes any sense, in my funny way

thinkin of you cos i know u got it rough right now

xxxx

[Imposter]

Like others have said you may be feeling stressed.

 

You may also be feeling grief. Okay it's unusual until someone actually dies. But it's not impossble.

 

I know when my father died 14 months ago I felt emotionally "stunted" - like an emotional "cripple" in a way (this was before my dx) - I felt like I wanted to cry, like crying is what I should do - but I couldn't do - it wouldn't happen - even though all around me were doing it - my brothers, my mother - I did feel a weird sort of numbness. On the day and in the following days I filled myself with practicalities - has someone walked the dog? Shall I empty the dishwasher? Does the washing machine need emptying? What are we having for dinner? Should I peel some potatoes? Someone needs to buy some bread etc... etc...

 

It was like - life just carries on -

 

And yes all the time I felt heartless.

 

But the only way I knew I was effected was a sort of weak/faint feeling I had - particularly on the day itself. And most times after for the few days after I thought of it - I felt weak/faint - but there were no normal - crying/bawling signs.

 

It was very muted and closed up.

 

So I would say what you are going through is (from my experience at least) a very normal ASD reaction to (what I will call) large emotional traumas.

 

If you can, it may well be better for you to try and "bite the bullet" and travel home to be with your sister, mother and family. But that depends on whether you feel you can/how serious the situation is.

 

I hope you and your mother are okay.

 

Edited March 31, 2008 by Imposter