Perfectionism

[ScienceGeek]

Why do I have to be such a perfectionist? Why do I have to do something over and over again when it was fine the first time? Why am I driving myself mad with something that I can't achieve? I just want to cry out of frustration but I just can't.

[Suze]

I wish I could answer, today we have people coming to look at our house (were hoping to move)..........I,ve been up since the early hours cleaning..............and I,m only on here cos I,m having a cup oF tea .I,ll have to have the house perfect, beds with pillows symmetrical, flowers arrangeed, ...by dinner time I,ll be a control freaK nervous wreck, and the kids would,nt dream of sitting on the settee when the cushions have been arranged .

 

...........I think though if I can be objective that we need to allow ourselves to not be 100% all the time , and accept that 95% is o.k.

 

.........IYSWIM

 

.......HUGS SUZEX.

[pookie170]

Oh, SG, I sympathise!! Not that Im a total perfectionist, especially around the house, but I have my moments and they make me feel terrible...

 

Think the worst was when was little and I'd be sobbing with frustration cos I couldnt tuck myself into bed tightly enough. I do recall throwing a total paddy and hurling things around my room, screaming and crying cos I couldnt get it right at all......

Now, its more over things like preparation for classes, I hate it when I cant get it rightthough I dont tend to chuck stuff anymore...

I dont have any advice but can offer my empathy!!

 

Esther x

[Neil Young]

Saw this and it sounded sensible!

 

Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism

 

by Diana Nielsen

 

 

 

Do you think you might be a perfectionist? Many of us who have been wondering about ourselves or someone we know attended Judy Galbraith?s presentation on ?Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism? at Pittsford Middle School. Judy is the president of Free Spirit Publishing whose mission is to help kids help themselves. They offer a catalog of publications addressing issues about many subjects including behavior disorders, bullies, conflict resolution, goal setting, health and nutrition, social skills, self esteem and violence.

 

The focus of her lecture was perfectionism and the stress that comes with it. Her first slide pictured a dog at the psychiatrist?s office. The caption was ?Sure it?s always good dog - but is it ever great dog??

 

She gave us a pop quiz. We discovered some of the traits of perfectionists. One is that they may insist on finishing each project in every detail, working and working until they get it right. Then, they aren?t satisfied with the results. They also tend to be critical of others if they don?t live up to their standards

 

There is no evidence that perfectionism is genetic but it does run in families. Every day we see ads telling us we should have perfect makeup, perfect cars and perfect children. She stressed that there is a difference between striving for excellence and seeking perfectionism. A perfectionist doesn?t feel satisfied with his performance whereas someone who strives for excellence would look back and feel satisfied with a job well done. Perfectionism comes from not feeling elevated, the ?If only I had . . . ? syndrome. It takes more than a competent intellect to be a success. Sometimes the more you think about something, the worse it gets. The less a person understands his own feelings, the more he falls prey to them. We need to feel pleased with how we are acquiring a healthy self esteem.

 

Ms. Galbraith read some letters from students who have heard her speak. One boy wanted to know if potential goes away when we get older. Potential is something we can love or loathe. It means having something to offer but it can be a burden to try harder, work smarter and do better. ?I want to be an artist, but I must strive to be a brain surgeon.? ? I made the junior varsity, but I could have tried out for varsity.? ? I?m in the top 20 percent of the class but I should have been the valedictorian.?

 

In some families you are not allowed to express negative emotions. ?If you don?t have anything nice to say, don?t say it.? Look at your vocabulary around emotions. Do you know the difference between frustrated and mad? Sometimes all we know is mad. There is a place where we can find optimal performance between too low and too high demand, too much and too little stimulation. This means finding a balance of stress whether it applies to intellectual, athletic, artistic or interpersonal pursuits. It?s important to remember what is stressful for one person may not be for another. How do we achieve good results without exhausting ourselves and how do we accomplish work without undue stress?

 

 

 

The speaker?s list of self care skills sound familiar, sensible and straightforward. 1) Get physical activity and stay fit. 2) You are what you eat. 3) Practice relaxation. Your body talks to you all the time. Learn to listen. Remember to breathe. 4) Find support from friends. 5) Be assertive. To get your needs met you may have to ask for that. If you feel powerless, describe what?s going on in simple language, tell how you feel and ask for things to be different. Another tool is the fine art of prioritizing. Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. She asked the audience for an example of something not worth doing well. Someone mentioned housework.

 

We may waste time finishing a project not worth finishing rather than starting something new that is worth it. We will go without enough sleep, but adequate sleep is necessary because during that time, we actually do problem solving so we can function better. When it comes to learning and development, optimal knowledge and achievement come in levels, clusters and spurts. We develop each level in a cycle related to brain growth. As we take in new learning, our ?intelligence? may move repeatedly to lower levels in order to build components to produce new higher levels. For me, this related to my experience with depression. It seems as if I plunge into an apathy and lethargy so deep that I find myself unable to do much of anything. Then later I am able to function at higher levels. This is something I have suspected for some time.

 

Ms. Galbraith advised three techniques. 1) Practice saying ?It?s time to stop.? Give yourself time limits. 2) Reward yourself in the process of learning. 3) Redefine the word ?mistake? in your own mind. Mistakes are proof of growth and learning. One of the favorite expressions I have used with friends and family when things don?t turn out the way we had hoped has been ?It?s a learning experience.? Just because you are half way through something doesn?t mean what you did until that point didn?t matter.

 

What do you do when you are around a young person and you make a mistake? Do you say ?I?m an idiot? or ?You didn?t see that. ?[insert ??? AP] What kind of model are you? Ms. Galbraith related an experience she had when she missed an airplane and was upset that she had to wait at the airport. She was becoming disagreeable and had started to blame others or [[and AP]] be unkind to the counter person. She sat down next to a somewhat disheveled man in the airport with a battered briefcase and a name tag from a conference he had been attending. It was Isaac Asimov. If she hadn?t missed the plane, she wouldn?t have had the chance to meet him. Madeline L?Engle?s Wrinkle in Time was turned down by 20 publishing houses because they said it would too hard for children to read. She later proposed that it may have been too hard for grownups. Sometimes when things don?t work out as we expected, if we are open to it, something even better will occur.

 

Another technique to avoid perfectionism is developing a sense of humor. Find what?s funny even when you are sad or in pain. It is the opposite of taking yourself too seriously. It may help you put your experience in perspective. Pressures can blot out the lighter side of life. Think about what success is. Who determines it? Your relatives? Your neighbors? One thirteen year old said success is reaching his manifest destiny. Another said it is not worrying about her manifest destiny.

 

During a question and answer period, someone asked about the connection between perfectionism and obsession compulsion. She said that those traits are seen in some perfectionists. If it goes that far, one should see a professional.

 

What can you do to help someone who tends to be a perfectionist? Advise him to try something that he will probably do well. Break assignments down, mix them up and brainstorm with the person. Do some things just for the fun of it. Judy Galbraith spoke to an audience of parents in a middle school who were concerned for their children, but what she discussed could apply to anyone with perfectionist tendencies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put This in a Box

 

 

 

Examples of Perfectionism vs. the Pursuit of Excellence

 

 

 

The Pursuit of Excellence means thinking more of yourself for trying something new. It leads to congratulating yourself on a job well done instead of beating yourself up because you didn?t do well enough. This difference is shown in the following examples:

 

 

 

q Doing three drafts, staying up two nights in a row and being late because you had to get it right (and still feeling bad about it).

 

Doing the research that is necessary for a project. Meeting the deadline and feeling good about what you learned.

 

 

 

q Always working alone because no one can do as good a job as you ? and you don?t want anyone else to mess it up for you.

 

Choosing to work on group projects because you enjoy learning from the varied experience and approaches of different people.

 

 

 

q Deciding to organize and run a day care center.

 

Deciding to baby-sit to earn some extra money.

 

 

 

q Not being able to leave the house until everything is just so.

 

Keeping your house cleaner and neater, vacuuming once a week, putting things away.

 

 

 

Laura, This Should be another box:

 

 

 

Traits of Perfectionism and Tips for Combating Them.

 

 

 

1. Setting unreasonable and impossible goals.

 

Be average for a day. Allow yourself to be messy, late, incomplete . . . imperfect.

 

Acknowledge that your expectations of yourself might be too high, even unrealistic.

 

2. Unsatisfied in an area of good results.

 

Celebrate your success. Savor your past accomplishments. Write about how good they made you feel.

 

3. Unable to take risks (academically or socially ) because of fear of failing, not being best, not doing well enough. All-or-nothing view. Difficulty seeing situations or performances and projects other than good or bad.

 

Take a risk. Sign up for a course with a reputation for being challenging. Start a conversation with someone you don?t know. Do a project or assignment without overdoing it.

 

4. Compulsive planning.

 

Start a day without a plan. Alter your morning routine.

 

5. Critical of self or others.

 

 

 

Join the human race. It?s less lonely when we accept our own and others? imperfections and feel part of life.

 

6. Afraid of making mistakes.

 

Give yourself permission to make at least three mistakes a day.

 

7. Afraid of revealing weakness and imperfections.

 

Share a weakness or limitation with a friend. Recognize that he or she doesn?t think any less of you as a result.

 

8. Procrastinate because of the need to do perfectly. Feel that your self worth depends on performance.

 

Get involved in activities that are not graded or judged ? activities that focus on process, not product.

 

9. Difficulties in relationships expecting too much of self and others. Dissatisfaction with situations and relationships that are not ideal.

 

Ask your friend to help you ?cure? your perfectionism. Perhaps they can give you a sign or a word when they notice you are being a perfectionist.

 

10. Experiencing stress and anxiety. Prone to depression. Difficulty in enjoying the present moment because preoccupied with the next hurdle.

 

Stop using the ?should? in your self-talk. Remove ?I have to? from your conversation.

[alanm]

We need to allow ourselves to not be 100% all the time, and accept that 95% is o.k.

 

This is so true, highly agreed.

[ScienceGeek]

It is hard to change things after being told all your life that you no matter what you do it will never be good enough. I could get 99% in a test and my dad would say something along the lines of well you could have got 100% if you tried harder. I dread to think what he would think if he saw my uni grades! My self esteem has been shattered for years and I'm trying to put things back together again, having a parent with such unreasonable demands as well as him being an alcoholic, bipolar idiot doesn't help either. This is the one thing that I just haven't been able to get over, I'll sit and write and re-write an essay probably around 30 times before it is ready to hand in and even then I'm not happy with it.

[Suze]

Hi <'> , the problem is your fathers perception of you.You should,nt let it affect your perception of yourself.You,ve said your self what you think your Dad "is", so if that is the case why are you gonna let that take over" you ".....................and who you are and what you do. You must try to allow yourself to let go of the expectations you have on yourself.

 

 

................taking into account what you,ve achieved , and then looking objectively at what you,ve had to overcome to achieve this might give you some indication of how much success you,ve made.It,s o.k to want to get things spot on and perfect but you also have to aknowledge that things are never 100% perfect.......they can,t ever be , because whats perfect to one person and 100% through their eyes , won,t be the same through someone elses eyes.We all percieve differently , to look at stuff differently ,.....your 45% perfect could be someone elses 100%

 

.............listen I,m waffling and probably not making myself very clear, you will never have it perfect , no one will because perfect does,nt exist ,...its just your perception that needs to change, and the key to that is letting go.Allow yourself the right to not do it perfectly accept this as a new quirk you have, take a step away from the control that being perfect has on you, because sometimes stuff like this can be about control, if stuff is perfect and how you like it then you feel secure and comfortable.But just try and give only 90%, adjust the expectations you,ve put on yourself, you can still have the control there but lessen it a little, take small steps and build up some confidence in yourself.You can get there , just take a step off the treadmill thats powering your thoughts in this perfectionist cycle ,allow yourself some freedom from it.

 

......I,ve gone on a bit sorry

[warrenpenalver]

It is hard to change things after being told all your life that you no matter what you do it will never be good enough. I could get 99% in a test and my dad would say something along the lines of well you could have got 100% if you tried harder.

OK, to put this in simple terms, what your dad did was emotional abuse, whether he intended to hurt you or not is irrelevant.

 

The way to get over this is unfotunately quite a complicated process but can be easily summarised.

 

As a child generally you believe what adults tell you, especially parents and close family. What these people tell you and the rules they set form the basis in your childs mind of the rule set and way you see the world. This continues to develop as you grow up and evnetually combined with life experience gives you the basis of rules and morals you base your life on.

 

Where this goes wrong is if parents give out the wrong rules or make too severe demands as in your case and then the ruleset gets all messed up. This can cause serious mental damage and as you say has effected self esteem and confidence and also importantly, effects your behaviour.

 

What you need to do in your head is seperate out the rules on perfectionism set by your father and replace them with rules that YOU agree with AND are more realistic. Another big issue is learning to do things to please YOU. after all its your life not your dads. you ARE good enough. So what if your dad doesnt agree??? ultimately your life is yours and you need to satisfy your own wants and aspirations.

 

Once these issues begin to resolve, the self confidence, esteem and self worth will naturally follow.

 

The complicated bit is the fact that most people with such severe issues need some form of counselling to get the right tools to see things and change them for themselves.

 

your AS will make things more complex as an AS child is likely to take things literally and believe a parent far longer than your average NT child. Also your thinking process's will be slightly different so a more individual approach may be needed.

[ScienceGeek]

your AS will make things more complex as an AS child is likely to take things literally and believe a parent far longer than your average NT child. Also your thinking process's will be slightly different so a more individual approach may be needed.

 

I think you are right. I do/did take things very literally and only the last few years have come around to the mindset that what he thinks doesn't really matter that much. He was the one I looked up to when I was younger, now I really hate him. Hate for me is a strong word, but I do mean it. I've been trying to work on it, but it is slow work.

[warrenpenalver]

Hate for me is a strong word, but I do mean it. I've been trying to work on it, but it is slow work.

I have hate issues too, but one thing thats worth considering when the hatred fills your mind is that the hate is only making YOU feel worse!! It doesnt effect him at all.

[Kinda]

Hi SG

 

We all beat ourselves up terribly and I always felt an academic failure, went to grammar school but only ended up at a tech college. So I went and studied with the OU to get a higher degree and beat myself up there over my grades.

 

I passed but near the end I was so fed up it was a scrape pass but a pass, I think the point I make is that we always seem to higher the bar for ourselves and what we do achieve in life (which is a lot for yourself and probably me) is never good enough as we set ourselves new goals.

 

Take time to reflect at how far you have got and what you have achieved and be nice to yourself now and again.

 

Remember a pass is a pass regardless of the grade (this was our mantra on the course I was on and we were all running out of steam after 3.5 years of distance learning study).

 

Kinda

 

PS (been away from the forum for a while as I had trouble dealing with the issues it raised for me regarding my son).

Edited June 2, 2008 by Kinda