Friendship Problems - Help

[Kinda]

Hi

 

I'm frustrated in that I'm trying to find out what the specific problems are with relationships that relate to AS. My son (mid 20s) is having difficulty again and when we tried to help him he just told us that he is quite happy on his own. Now I realise he is at an age where he is capable of deciding for himself but I'm just trying to understand the issues surrounding AS and relationships.

 

Now a lot of AS people on the forum seem to want friendships but they have issues maintaining a relationship and I was just wanting to know if anyone has managed to maintain a relationship or a number of relationships and could they explain why this has worked for them and not with others.

 

I'm quite happy (in terms of if my son is happy then thats fine) for him to be on his own if thats what he wants but when he is a bit down then he will always bring up the fact that he has no friends.

 

I know that relationships requires social skill of having to negotiate issues and an element of giving and taking but what are the other issues that AS people fall down on.

 

Is it a fact that generally AS people are happy with their own company but feel that to be "normal" they should have friends, and when my son is a bit down and complains that he has no friends this really isn't the issue but an answer he gives to mask the real issues. I'm just very confused by it all (I know I feel very confused about a lot of issues at the moment, I think its because I feel that this is the way its going to be regarding my son for the future).

 

Kinda - worried if I should be trying to do something or not?

Edited June 8, 2008 by Kinda

[ScienceGeek]

Well I have a wife and 2 close friends, all relationships are very undemanding. I can't deal with people who require constant attention or are over emotional. My 2 close friends live on the other side of the country and I see my best friend every couple of years, other friend every 6 months or so. That has worked well for me, I prefer to be on my own the majority of the time with the occasional company to do stuff that my wife doesn't want to do. It probably helps that my 2 close friends are very similar to me so I don't have to explain anything they already know, I can just concentrate on being me. One of them is an undiagnosed aspie who is in the process of trying to get a dx.

 

Other than the people above, people have come and gone over the years as they couldn't handle that I simply didn't have the energy to maintain the relationships/friendships. I've had to step away from far too many people who need constant attention, as they were too much for me to handle.

 

I am however making an effort to get out of the house and am joining two AS pub groups to at least try to make some friends that aren't friends of my wife. Mostly if we hang out with people they tend to be friends of the wife.

[Kinda]

Hi SG

 

Hope married life is treating you well and thanks for your time to reply to my request for some help.

 

Not sure what you mean regarding you can't deal with friends when they get emotional so perhaps if you could elaborate on that it would be helpful.

 

My son seems to be intolerant at times towards others and their requirements out of the relationship but having said that when he had a girlfriend he seemed to be vary attentive towards her. It seems very difficult to point to what the problem is because we of course are not there all the time and so we don't know what happened but we get the story from our son but of course we are not sure whether this version takes into account how others may see it.

 

We end up agreeing with our son's version of events and how unjust the others are and we try and "read between the lines" as to what may have happened but it is so difficult.

 

For me I think the problem is that my son does not understand what others needs are and what they require from the friendship, and he can be intolerant and so how do we get him to take this into account. We try and he is getting better but its almost like having to deal with each problem as being unique and each incident requiring a unique solution.

 

Its all so difficult and while we want him to be more independent, as he does himself, we also find it very difficult to just stand by and not offer advice.

 

Thanks again and I wish you both all the happiness for the future.

 

Kinda

[pearl]

JP doesnt have friends & doesnt seem to need them. He socialises through shared activities, taekwondo etc. I would like him to have someone he could just hang out with though, go to the cinema etc. But he doesnt seem bothered.

[warrenpenalver]

My son seems to be intolerant at times towards others and their requirements out of the relationship but having said that when he had a girlfriend he seemed to be vary attentive towards her.

Maybe he is intolerant because he cant cope with the contact in social settings?? Particularly for young males the "social norm" is pub/bar, football games on tv and lots and lots of social chit chat. Personally i struggle in busy pubs etc as theres too much going on, too many people, too many conversations, too many flashy lights, not safe etc etc etc. I cant filter out everything around me for more than a few minutes and when there are several groups of people i hear all the people talking not just the ones in my group and struggle to filter out.

 

Keeping up with the "drinking" trends is hard too. Also its easy to annoy friends when you refuse to drink loads then want to go early as youve reached the limit of what you can take.

 

Also lots of friends seem to want to be spontaneous even on a night out and that i cant handle.

 

Queit country pubs are ok in my experience, generally smaller social groups, less noise etc. Or outside as the noise/sensory level is further away if that makes sense.

 

From my perspective, im loyal, honest and would do anything for them but they dont see that just because you wont drink loads with them. Thats why i dont bother with male friends much these days.

 

People make friends with me rather than a mutual building of relationship. Most of my current "friends" initiated the relationship including my girlfriend. Doesnt mean i dont have feelings for others sometimes, but i usually lack the skills and confidence to initiate friendships and certainly no confidence for more serious relationships. Once you know someone much better you can set rules to regulate the contact so you know how to act.

 

 

maybe he is more attentive to his girlfriend because he is not sure of the frequency of when to be nice, hug, give gifts etc so over compensates to make sure he doesnt get it wrong. Also close friendships provide more reason to be loyal or protective. and may even form part of an obsession.

 

 

For me I think the problem is that my son does not understand what others needs are and what they require from the friendship, and he can be intolerant and so how do we get him to take this into account.

Not necessarily not understanding, but also consider he doesnt know how to achieve the recipricity needed in relationships. Most people can be taught rules and guidance but the difficulty is putting that into practice.

 

For example learning how someone feels. with practice you can learn the individuals expressions and "social clues" that tell you thier emotional state but often it is very hard to put that into practice in a fluid dynamic way that NT's seem able to do. I find i can recognise social cues and some body language if im concentrating and looking for it, but then i am looking at body language and not concentrating on the conversation/social interaction!!!! I do this often with eye contact and loose my train of thought or with recognising when people are bored in conversations, i can see the signs but i cant do that when in a conversation.

 

 

Obviously your sons problems will be unique to him.

[CEJesson]

This thread is similar to another one I posted in so here is what I wrote:

 

thought i'd give you my perspective but its not the cheeriest in the first part Im afraid.

 

To be honest the older I got I became less tolerant of having no friends - as I began to develop some basic social skills it was no longer as difficult separating friends from acquaintances, and it was no longer as challenging to understand who actually cared and who didnt. It was still challenging of course making friends. Consequently this led to greater frustration and although my behaviour was improving this aspect took over bullying problems as the main concern. I spent the vast majority of time in the house which was favourable but when I was being difficult (causing an argument) there was nowhere for me to go. It was during this time I was more notorious at home than I was at school.

 

The above paragraph is a reference to my later secondary school years between I'd say ages 14-16. (2003-2005) After then until now at nearly 19 years of age the above frustration has receded dramatically as I changed schools for sixth form and gradually managed to have a small group of close friends. University is now a mix friends and acquaintances - lots of the latter, very few of the former but that is very pleasing indeed to get that far. Increases in confidence has meant that tolerance of friendships (or no friendships) has got a lot, lot better during this time period. (2005-)

 

So while the first paragraph was a bit 'doom and gloom' - the second paragraph may tell you that your son's situation may not always remain the same.

[Kinda]

Hi All

 

They are all great replies and have given me some insight into the problem, I think also he will tend to always interpret a situation into the "other" not playing fair rather than some oversight.

 

The odd friend that he does have will be someone who he can phone or visit on the odd occasion but generally the visit will not be for long.

 

warrenpenalver

 

When you mentioned noise and lights in noisy pub that is my son, he gave up going to discos etc since he said he wasn't fond of them but I think the real issue is what you suffer as well. He also does not drink much and wouldn't be interested in a night out based on drinking alone.

 

I think there is one side of him that is content to be on his own and then there is another side of him that likes company. Perhaps having company comes with too many issues that are a hassle to deal with?

 

 

Kinda ...thanks again the posts and help have been brilliant.