Will not sleep on his own

[hsmum]

Hello,

 

H is a strapping nine year old. However, he insists on sleeping with me. He says he is frightened of nightmares and that he likes to feel me beside him. I have tried putting him in bed with his younger brother, a not so strapping seven year old, but H wakes up in tears and moves into my bed. I have tried just about every kind of relaxing night time routine, and I have tried the 'get tough and let him cry' approach.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? Is sleeping with mum something he will grow out of? Should I just get an extra large bed? Has anyone any advice on how to wean him out of this habit?

[aro]

Do you think that he does have regular nightmares or does he just want to be in with you?

 

If he is having frequent nightmare it may relect concerns/worries that he has during the day. Do you have a "debrief" in the evening to talk through anything worrying him?

I would talk to the GP if it is nightmares as he is getting older and should be outgrowing regular nightmares.

 

If it is just wanting company have you tried the "phased withdrawl"? 9Not tried it myself but supposed to be quite good)

 

A x

[JsMum]

Hi,

 

Can I say that I have been there too and its so hard,

 

but.... I have cracked it now and guess what, I love having my own bed and my own space I wont let J revert, as soon as he has slept more than one night I am super strict and back into routines,

 

He has a step by step aproach all in visual displays and we have spent a lot of time on the value of sleep and read books together on how to manage with nightmares and night terrors, a book that Id like to recommend is called " sleeping well " by healthy kids goulding cherrytree books, they do a whole series of kid issues, but the book was really visual for J and over the last year we have worked really hard,

 

I do not let him sleep in my bed at all now, the odd nightmare if he is really bad then he comes in but then he is straight back in his own bed the next night, it doesnt happen very often now, if he is really distressed I sit in his room, in a chair and read a book or similair,

 

I dont interact or give any attention, obvously I console and settle him if he is destressed but if he is just getting me to the run around I withdraw and give him a break, then return, five mins later and start again,

 

we have made his room a very sleepy room, and bought a few bits to get him in the mood to sleep, he has lava lamp a lazer star beam and his weighted blanket, so he has a lot more to help him now, we bought the biggest teddy we could find too, so he can cuddle up to, he loves his teddies,

 

at night he has melatonin too, and this for us on top of all the practical stratagies the melatonin really helps to get him off to sleep, if he wakes throw a nightmare I stay in his room until he is off to sleep again,

 

I make sure he doesnt eat foods that trigger nightmares such as chocolate, cheese, milk at least a couple of hours before bedtime and the planning is early evening too, getting them stimulated as possible very early on to a gradual reduction to the point even I struggle keeping awake,

 

but its working for us now and I love having plenty of room to stretch, I dont get distrubed by a pointed elbow in my rib or a fist in my face, its soo nice,

 

I love it, getting use to not having j in my bed was hard also, but I ve got my own space and decorated it that isnt to Js taste and so its my space, to unwind and retreat in, for us having our own beds ensures we get more quality sleep, but it was hard getting there, but you can and once you have you wont want to go back to co sleeping again.

 

JsMum

Edited June 19, 2008 by JsMum

[CarolineJ]

Great advice JsMum.

[smiley]

Good advice JsMum. I was going to suggest a weighted blanket too.

 

Getting a child into their own bed is always going to be a couple of days, or more, of a battle but with preparation before hand, things should be easier. <'> >< <'>

 

Most parents i've spoken to have been amazed at how easy it was, once they decided it was going to happen!

[JsMum]

Great advice JsMum.

 

 

<'> Thanks Caroline, Just giving support from my own experience, it may not work for others but for J its been in the preparation and planning, lots of cues and thats why we use visual step by step cards, this gives a chance too for J to except its bedtime soon, for him it the seperation, but he now knows that I wont be far and he knows I will be there if he requires me if its genuine and because he really needs me, this has tapered off now and its getting more settled behaviour, and he is getting more sleep, which helps set them up for the next evening and over time it makes it easier to get the evening earlier, this boy wasnt sleeping until 1am and when he was asleep it was in my bed and so I was living on around 4 hrs sleep, he was living on around the same and what we had was mayhem the next day, with moodyness and just right down sleep deprived, thats why we had to do something about it really it was ruining our lives.

 

 

I only have J too, I see you have four and littlies too, do you have them in a good routine? And how do you do it?

 

JsMum

[Enid]

Great advice JsMum.

 

 

Always is Enid

[JsMum]

A great website for Kids issues is this one, there is loads of useful tips on it, one here is for nightmares, the thing is they are really scarey, Im an adult and if I have them I am proper distrubed, it takes ages to get it out of my head and be in a position to sleep again, after a nightmare too it sort of creeps back in so it is hard to deal with.

 

Sharing and naming the feelings will help him manage the nightmares better, we cant take nightmares away completely but we can have tools to help us feel a bit more settled, so just repeating so you had a bad nightmare, that must of been scarey, helps them feel that you understand, when your younger every shadow can be a monster, your imagnination goes wild and thats why its easeir to be with an adult, to feel safe, but that can happen outside your bed too.

 

http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/nightmares.html

 

http://www.sleepfoundation.org/

 

there is some really good interactive websites on sleeping I will try and dig out the ones I used.

 

JsMum

[bikemad]

This was a huge battle with my lad n given half the chance at 8 he would still be in with me now.

[CarolineJ]

I only have J too, I see you have four and littlies too, do you have them in a good routine? And how do you do it?

 

JsMum

 

How do I do it? I don't know! lol Sometimes I wonder why I do it.

 

Practically, we live on routines, persistency, consistency, visual cues, rewards and lots of planning if there's going to be any change in routine. Also, I've had to learn to let go of some of my hang ups and not expect so much of myself. Parenting is such a barrage of guilt.

 

Liam thrives when he knows what's expected of him. He's a slave to his wall charts! I've often said he'd be so much better off if he was an only child, but thinking about it, having to "conform" to larger family rules and expectations may have been a good thing for him. He knows where he stands. Trouble is, he cannot get the attention he desires all.of.the.time. and this is difficult for him, and me, so we have to learn techniques to help him to *swear word* - wait.

 

One big thing I always had, was not to pander to fussy eaters. We've had so many battles with Liam over this and since his diagnosis, we realised why. We do get round it though, so that's good. Self service from a selection of foods (tacos, jacket potatoes and toppings, fajitas etc) makes life a lot easier. At other times, we convince Liam to at least try something (he's often had it many times in the past and enjoyed it, but has forgotten, or is just stressed about it for some reason) once. We never serve any food (on the plate) that we know the children don't like, so feel confident to stick to the pudding rule. We've learnt to not change the rules about things, so all of the children feel secure in knowing where their boundaries are and we don't have constant negotiations!

 

I'm sleep training my 9 month old at the moment. Blue had been poorly for a while and her sleeping had totally gone to pot. She was going from one boob to the other all night! I set myself rules on Monday and have stuck to them since, so I know it's only a matter of time before Blue's fixed!

 

*yawn* Whose idea was it to have 4 children?