family occassions/outings

[Julieanne]

hello all...I wondered if when you have been asked over and over again by family/friends to attend ''occassions'' and you find yourself explaining over & over that your child cannot deal with such things, do they understand why or do they think that as parents we are making it out to be worse than it is??

 

i have family like this & they keep on and on saying ''i will help look after him'' and silly comments like ''you can relax, we are all there'' blah blah yeah right!!!!!!!! yet when we have taken our son to such things he kicks off big style as he hates it and they all look at you as your desperately trying to deal with this child that is hitting everyone, kicking, screaming etc etc...

 

yet they continue to ask you, i was accused of being anti social as i have refused to go...then i get '' well you simply cant expect any one else to understand what your going through julie.... you have to just get on with it and make the effort''

 

just wondered if i was alone in this!!

Julie xxx

Edited June 23, 2008 by Julieanne

[Flora]

Julie

 

Yes! However, for every half a dozen invitations/ideas/suggestions that I decline or don't 'do', there is one that I will do. It usually takes a huge amount of planning, preperation and energy to the point that I feel like the in between times I'm in training for it; but it's so important to have something to look forward to (even though in reality you might be dreading it there will be some postives especially if you're seeing friends/family who you haven't seen for ages), it's also important that our kids get some exposure to gatherings and events and that they don't totally rule our lives.

 

My eldest son (14) in some respects is the worst one but I always makes sure that any excursions or trips with him which involve potentially stressful moments (understatement!) are planned to the last letter; sometimes it comes good and sometimes they are a total disaster but it wouldn't be healthy for him to be allowed to opt out of everything nor would it be right that he prevents everyone else from taking part. Some times I've had to make alternative plans for him because I know him being 'made' to go would ruin it for the other kids, (and believe me he's ruined more holidays/outings etc than I can count!), but I still wouldn't let that stop me trying.

 

Using the same tactics on my youngest son has been a lot more succesful and he has learned to cope with some of his anxieties and phobias as a result.

 

Also, even though it's incredibly hard and sometimes you feel like you take a step forward, just to end up falling back a few paces, it's soooo important for their future that our kids learn how to behave in company and in publice (even if it means they bottle it all up and let rip when they get home, it's a learning process that you can't start soon enough).

 

I know exactly where you're coming from because my heart sinks when I hear 'bring the kids' , but please don't give up no matter how tempting it is for an easy life; otherwise you end up with no pleasure in life and feeling horribly isolated with kids that will never learn how to even 'put up with' the outside world, never mind take part in it!

 

Flo' <'>

[bikemad]

My mil understands and so does one of my sisters but all the rest just think im makeing it up or that he cant possibly find it that hard.

[Enid]

Mine were the same until J got rapidly "worse" for want of a better word, this year, now they have been shocked by his behaviour and they are very helpful and supportive BUT at gatherings are very wary of him, and the terrible thing is, I dont blame them, I wouldnt want him near my younger kids if he wasnt mine, cant believe I just wrote that. Enid

[fiorelli]

I hesitate to go to all family events, but then I remind myself that L is included in this family. We agree to go, but remind the host that we may have to do something, whether that be taking L for a walk somewhere, having use of a quiet room, or even, at last resort leave early, but ask the host not to be offended. (They never have been)

 

I suppose we are lucky in that the people who we do socialise with have seen L in 'action' so know what he can be like. They also listen and trust our judgement (mostly - I think you'll always get at least 1 person who thinks they know better than you). I think the fact that ASDs are so prevalent in our family amongst my siblings and cousins helps. (although I really do wish that we lived closer to my family sometimes, just for the daily/weekly support rather than just the few-times-a-year-outings/dos)

[oxgirl]

Our families are both 70 miles away, so we don't see them that much, but go down for weekends a few times a year. It has gotten harder as Jay has got older. When he was little, he was very easily pleased, tbh. As long as there were toys there he would sit happily and quietly. Now he is 14 and BORED! We had a horrendous Xmas at parent-in-laws. Xmas Day he had a meltdown right after dinner (which he had opted out of) and threw himself on the floor in front of 10 family members and had a tantrum because he couldn't watch Finding Nemo. People sat around in embarrassed silence stealing glances at each other and we had to drag him out of the room and sort him out. Boxing Day was worse, we all went for a walk and we were basically two groups, us in one and the rest of the family a discreat distance behind us. No-one came near us and no-one offered any help or support, we felt totally alone, because we WERE totally alone. We've vowed never to go down at Xmas again.

 

~ Mel ~

[Zosmum]

I have my dad close by, but he works out of the country a lot but if there is a family thing going he insists we go and let them all see who Z really is, after all they're family and they should understand

 

It's not usually to bad

[Enid]

Oxgirl, thats what happend to me at Easter, J had a meltdown in a roomful of family, he even kicked my sister, they were all soo understanding but are obviously now wary of him. Nightmare Enid