Another newbie

[B'sMum]

Hi All, I am the mum of a 14 yearold boy who is having difficulty accepting his diagnosis of Aspergers which we got this time last year.

He is convinced we have all ganged up on him just to ruin his life, cos now no one will want to give him a job. I new since he was about 8 that something was not right. He was always in trouble for silly things and they always got blown way out of proportion. He always denied everything he was accused of unless you phrased it just right. Like the time time he threw mud at the teachers car and called the dinner lady a liar cos he didn't do it. Of course when asked what happened he threw mud at Tom who ducked and it hit the car, so the dinnerlady had lied!!! She had his intention wrong.

 

His primary school insisted he was a badly behaved poorly disciplined child and would not back me up when we went for his first assessment to CAMH, where he lined up baby toys on the doctors shelves in the corner of the room where we had to taslk about in his earshot. The doctor said he played nicely!?! and there was no sign of aspergers.

 

He went up to secondary school with no diagnosis and ended up telling the teachers how they were teaching things incorrectly, and he preffered to do things a different way. So after many afterschool detentions they suggested we try again for a diagnosis, and this time they told things like they really were.

 

Of course it is all my fault that he has a wrong diagnosis, if I just accepted that the teachers were wrong and he was right everything would be ok. I am the main focus for his anger.

 

Now he is getting on much better at school and has been put in top set for most subjects, and now that he is about to do GCSE's has been able to drop the subjects that are not in his words "accademically challenging" like art and DT he is happier. But we get the fall out and melt downs at home.

 

In fact last time but one, when we saw his peadeatrician he had a major meltdown and shouted at her she was rubbish, all they ever did was talk and he did not know how she could call herself a doctor - doctors are supposed to fix people and why couldn't she fix him, after all there was nothing wrong with him all he needed was help with anger management and no one would tell him how to control his anger etc etc etc... She decided there was no point us seeing her again as it did not seem to be helping, and she would see about him getting anger management help. He tried one session with another doctor and decided that was no good either. So now we see no-one.

 

Most of the books we have read are aimed at catching things early and working with little kids. B thinks we are talking down to him if we try social stories or reward schemes.

 

Does anyone have any ideas about how to work with disaffected stroppy AS teenagers???

 

Sorry it's so long but no one seems to understand.

 

Pat

[Mumble]

Hello and welcome to the forum B's Mum

 

There will be a lot of people around who are going / have been through the experiences you describe and they will probably be able to give you some more useful tips / information on coping / who to go to etc. but I can post from my perspective. I'm an adult dx'ed with AS/HFA - I was only dx'ed as an adult although the difficulties were recognised but not responded to throughout my childhood. Later dx, particularly if there are no comorbids causing learning difficulties, is not uncommon.

 

In a way, it sounds to me like your son is being very logical (some might say pedantic - I get accused of that - can't think why ) and in a way he is right that the others are wrong, if things are taken literally. It's something I really struggle to understand, but the NT world does have a different understanding of language which is also 'correct'.

 

You say he was only dx'ed last year - I wonder if he's still in an adjustment period himself and it's a matter of time - I certainly go through times of saying either 'why me' or 'everyone else is wrong / not listening to me and I'm right'. I think this maybe 'Kevin' (as in teenager) behaviour anyway right () (challenging boundaries in particular because in AS there is often a need to know exactly where the boundaries are), and you/he have got the added complication of the AS on top of that.

 

Of course it is all my fault that he has a wrong diagnosis, if I just accepted that the teachers were wrong and he was right everything would be ok. I am the main focus for his anger.

I've picked this bit out, because I wanted to give you my interpretation and it is only an interpretation and could be wrong. To me, the fact that he is directing anger at you suggests that he feels safe with you, safe enough to let out all the anger/stress/anxiety that builds up over the day in school. I would see it less as him being angry at you but more as you being a safe person for him to be angry with - I hope that makes sense.

 

I'm sure some others will be along soon with their thoughts or you could start a thread with specific questions.

[baddad]

Hi B's Mum - welcome to the forum

 

I dunno much about "disaffected, stroppy AS teenagers" as a sub group, but I think the 'teenager' bit pretty much implies what goes before it!

Most of the stuff he/you go through will be the same stuff - it'll just have some different twists and angles in the mix from AS... they'll vary from kid to kid, but most of it is just (i think) the outward expression of FEAR (god - how horrible was it being fourteen?!) and all sorts of chemical explosions going off...

Probably not very helpful, but if you try to think of AS as a co-morbid of teenagerism ( ) rather than seeing the two things as intrisically linked you might find things slightly easier. Of course, bits and bobs are going to cross over, and i think all you can try to do there is untangle from both ends so you finish up somewhere in the middle...

 

[pearl]

Welcome to the forum B's Mum

[oxgirl]

Hi Pat, and welcome.

My lad is also 14 and, whereas he does accept his dx, he is often very unhappy about it. He constantly says how different he is from the other kids and how he is weird and his brain is rubbish, etc. etc. He has had a lot longer to get used to his dx than your lad has but I agree wih BD, I think it's very hard being 14 at the best of times. All you want to do is fit in and be the same as everyone else and for your lad to suddenly get a dx which marks him out as 'different' must have been a big blow to him. Has he read any books about AS? Thre are lots of positive books out there that will highlight to him the advantages and good points of having AS. If he is very academic then maybe you could highlight that as a feature of his AS, I know my lad is comforted by the thought that his giftedness in science is something positive that he can take away from the dx. I also try to impress upon him what an interesting and witty person he is and that his AS makes him the good person that he is. Does your lad have any friends at school and has he shared his dx with any of them? It must be very hard on you, taking the brunt of your lad's anger and frustration, but I'd try and hang in there and try and be as patient and understanding as I could and try not to take it too personally, like Mumble says, maybe you're the only one he feels safe talking about it with and offloading it onto. Hope things get better.

 

~ Mel ~

[Karen A]

Hi Pat Welcome.I have Ben who has DCD [Dyspraxia] and Social Communication Difficulties.Ben is 10.

He is also very bright and so I do relate to many of the issues you describe.If Ben could have an individual curriculum tailored to his interests he would be very happy.Ben is obviously not a teenager......yet. Karen.

[B'sMum]

Thanks everyone, some really helpful thoughts. When things are going badly it is sooo easy to fall into the trap of blaming all the behaviour on the AS and forgetting that all teenagers have strops regularly.

 

I will certianly try to turn round my thinking about him blaming me - to feeling safe to explode with me, I really think that will help.

 

Does anyone find reward plans still work at this age?

 

I hadn't realised how long my first post was! Thanks for reading.

 

I know this forum is going to be a regular stop for me.

[purplehaze]

Hello B'smum, I also have a 14 yr old son with ASD and he always tells me it's my fault because I made him, which I kind of understand what he is thinking. I also have lots of behaviour difficulties with him so completly know what you are going through. Reward systems work well with my son and so do social stories and schedules most things that are visual. Look forward to chatting with you X

[LittleRae]

Hi B'smum. Welcome to the Forum. Don't know if this will help him, but my son took to it very well. 'How to be yourself in a world that's different' by Yuko Yoshida http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book.php/isbn/9781843105046

 

For those who insist they are 'broken' (my DS went through this for a while) you could look at these http://www.coachingasperger.com/advantages.htm

 

Hope things improve for you

 

A

[B'sMum]

Thanks again all.

 

He is off on a school trip next week - this doesn't seem to phase him at all, he goes away for a week every year with them and behaves better than the rest of the year either at school or home - perhaps there is something I should learn from this!!!

 

Anyway, we are going to work on a reward scheme while he is away for introduction when he gets back. I will keep you posted on success.

 

It is interesting but we bought a dictaphone at the weekend to record his meltdowns, to prove to him that we did actually say what we thought we said, rather than what he thinks we said. Each time he has started something that might usually lead to a meltdown we have started recording, and lo and behold it hasn't materialised. I think it is as much that I am keeping it together and not over-reacting cos I know I'm on tape too, but he seems to be keeping calmer too.

 

I guess who cares so long as it helps. We haven't yet felt the need to play anything back.

[Bagpuss]

Hello and welcome to the forum

[Clare63]

hello & welcome....

 

my 13 yr old is happy with his asperger dx and is fed up with people trying to make him "normal" his words.

 

Clare x x x x

[doingmyheadin]

Hi All, I am the mum of a 14 yearold boy who is having difficulty accepting his diagnosis of Aspergers which we got this time last year.

He is convinced we have all ganged up on him just to ruin his life, cos now no one will want to give him a job. I new since he was about 8 that something was not right. He was always in trouble for silly things and they always got blown way out of proportion. He always denied everything he was accused of unless you phrased it just right. Like the time time he threw mud at the teachers car and called the dinner lady a liar cos he didn't do it. Of course when asked what happened he threw mud at Tom who ducked and it hit the car, so the dinnerlady had lied!!! She had his intention wrong.

 

His primary school insisted he was a badly behaved poorly disciplined child and would not back me up when we went for his first assessment to CAMH, where he lined up baby toys on the doctors shelves in the corner of the room where we had to taslk about in his earshot. The doctor said he played nicely!?! and there was no sign of aspergers.

 

He went up to secondary school with no diagnosis and ended up telling the teachers how they were teaching things incorrectly, and he preffered to do things a different way. So after many afterschool detentions they suggested we try again for a diagnosis, and this time they told things like they really were.

 

Of course it is all my fault that he has a wrong diagnosis, if I just accepted that the teachers were wrong and he was right everything would be ok. I am the main focus for his anger.

 

Now he is getting on much better at school and has been put in top set for most subjects, and now that he is about to do GCSE's has been able to drop the subjects that are not in his words "accademically challenging" like art and DT he is happier. But we get the fall out and melt downs at home.

 

In fact last time but one, when we saw his peadeatrician he had a major meltdown and shouted at her she was rubbish, all they ever did was talk and he did not know how she could call herself a doctor - doctors are supposed to fix people and why couldn't she fix him, after all there was nothing wrong with him all he needed was help with anger management and no one would tell him how to control his anger etc etc etc... She decided there was no point us seeing her again as it did not seem to be helping, and she would see about him getting anger management help. He tried one session with another doctor and decided that was no good either. So now we see no-one.

 

Most of the books we have read are aimed at catching things early and working with little kids. B thinks we are talking down to him if we try social stories or reward schemes.

 

Does anyone have any ideas about how to work with disaffected stroppy AS teenagers???

 

Sorry it's so long but no one seems to understand.

 

Pat

[doingmyheadin]

Hi B's Mum,

 

My son sounds just like yours although we are still waiting for his assessment. I knew there was something wrong when he was tiny but just like you no-one listened or believed there was anything wrong with him. He was just spoilt and not disciplined . Trying to discipline him in the usual way was hopeless, it would just enrage him further and we would get nowhere- he would not learn by punishing him and he would continue to misbehave in the same way he did before. Very depressing.... you do end up thinking it is your fault and you must be the one doing something wrong. How many times have I heard people say - 'you should send him up to his bedroom' and I would but he would just behave even more badly, smash up his bedroom, break things , end up even more miserable and most importantly not have learnt a thing from the punishment.

 

It used to really depress me that my friends could punish their children quite simply by making them sit on a naughty step or somewhere for 10 minutes and then when they were allowed off it, they would truly seem to show remorse (sometimes a bit reluctantly), say sorry and seem to have learnt their lesson! God- if only it had been that simple with Tom!

 

Tom is going to be a hard one to crack, he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with him- nothing is ever his fault, it is ALWAYS someone else's fault, he never takes responsibility for anything he does, he has a foul temper, his language can be appauling which is forever getting him into serious trouble at school.

 

Tom was promised anger management at school about a year ago but as usual nothing happened.

 

Tom has also picked his choices for GCSE'S and is in the top set for almost all his subjects, he has done OK academically up till now without ever doing any revision and very little homework but I am worried that now he is going into year 10 he is going to have to put that work in , his 'natural ability' alone now will not be enough. His 16 year old sister has tried to drum this into his head as well!

 

They sound quite similar don't they?!

[SuzyQ]

I've picked this bit out, because I wanted to give you my interpretation and it is only an interpretation and could be wrong. To me, the fact that he is directing anger at you suggests that he feels safe with you, safe enough to let out all the anger/stress/anxiety that builds up over the day in school. I would see it less as him being angry at you but more as you being a safe person for him to be angry with - I hope that makes sense.

 

Hi Not sure if the quote bit worked....new to this!!! I agree on what is said here...if it has worked I have a 14 yr old daughter newly dx'd with Aspergers, infact only a few months ago, but at 9 I was told she had a gender identity disorder, so we have had many years of her hating me!!! I am the whipping boy so to speak as I know it is because I am safe, I will always love her...'apparently' !

She will be worse with people she feels safe with, there is one teacher at school who has had to deal with alot of her anger and problems, but she wont have anyone else near! I have learn't to accept this over the years, it can be soul destroying at times, but when she has a moment of clarity and is my little girl she is a delight, and I hang on to those.

She also says there is nothing wrong with her and its all lies, she tells me she goes to lessons at school but I know she doesn't, she is't telling lies, its how she see's her day has gone, she truely believes she has been in lessons!!

Dont know if thats any help or not, but just wanted to let you know your not alone in the most hated parent club.....or should i say your not alone on this rollercoster ride......its a horrible one but your not on it alone, it seems there are alot of us out there. <'>