my son, 21

[owl]

Hi everyone, i haven't been on for along time. I am absolutely devastetd by something which has happened with my son. He is woking, and mostly happy, but lacking in friends& social circle. I have tried to suggest he uses this forum, but so far, no luck. If onlt he would, then he would feel less alone.

He works at same place as his dad, and his dad has recently been suffering with severe stress and depression, only just gone back to work. Now my son has tried to sneak out something ( in other words STEAL) to give to aguy he met in a pub to make him like him. His dad is so ashamed in front of his workmates that he doesn't know which way to turn, and i am so afraid the stress will give him a heart attack. My son is now being investigated, and i have been sick with worry thinking this one emotionally immature action will ruin his life. because if he was fired for theft....... it now looks as if he will only be suspended for aweek without pay, because this was completely out of character for him and he has always been well regarded. This is the last straw. I can't stop crying. sorry if i'm being pathetic, but i feel powerless to help him, because he's an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking about him. I can't talk to anyone about it , i feel ashamed xx

[JsMum]

Hi everyone, i haven't been on for along time. I am absolutely devastetd by something which has happened with my son. He is woking, and mostly happy, but lacking in friends& social circle. I have tried to suggest he uses this forum, but so far, no luck. If onlt he would, then he would feel less alone.

He works at same place as his dad, and his dad has recently been suffering with severe stress and depression, only just gone back to work. Now my son has tried to sneak out something ( in other words STEAL) to give to aguy he met in a pub to make him like him. His dad is so ashamed in front of his workmates that he doesn't know which way to turn, and i am so afraid the stress will give him a heart attack. My son is now being investigated, and i have been sick with worry thinking this one emotionally immature action will ruin his life. because if he was fired for theft....... it now looks as if he will only be suspended for aweek without pay, because this was completely out of character for him and he has always been well regarded. This is the last straw. I can't stop crying. sorry if i'm being pathetic, but i feel powerless to help him, because he's an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking about him. I can't talk to anyone about it , i feel ashamed xx

 

 

When you say investigated, do you mean arressted and interviewed by the police?

 

The Police also should interview him with an adult as he has special needs.

 

Also does your son has ASD/Autism, if so he will be entitled to a representative that helps people with ASD/Autism.

 

MENCAP are good source for further advocacey and there is also the community law services.

 

CAB can direct you into the right law services, but what is clear is your son is a vunrable adult, this will entitle him to support services and ensure his needs are met.

 

It can not be nice to know that other adults take advantage of our children no matter what age they are, I wish you the best of luck finding the right people to ask for help, there is also contact a family too, as well as the NAS helplines.

 

JsMum

Edited September 11, 2008 by JsMum

[owl]

When you say investigated, do you mean arressted and interviewed by the police?

 

The Police also should interview him with an adult as he has special needs.

 

Also does your son has ASD/Autism, if so he will be entitled to a representative that helps people with ASD/Autism.

 

MENCAP are good source for further advocacey and there is also the community law services.

 

CAB can direct you into the right law services, but what is clear is your son is a vunrable adult, this will entitle him to support services and ensure his needs are met.

 

It can not be nice to know that other adults take advantage of our children no matter what age they are, I wish you the best of luck finding the right people to ask for help, there is also contact a family too, as well as the NAS helplines

JsMum .

 

Hi Js Mum.

 

No I don't mean police, just internal investigation. There is no way in the world i could get him to ask for help, or let anyone know about his dgnosis. He works in industry, and we had to accept that it would do more harm than good for them to know, I'm sorry but my experiences have made me very cynical! He had a union rep with him, and if lucky he will be ok, and maybe the shock will give him an emotional growth spurt? this may sound harsh, but i want the best for him. I just needed to get the upset out of my system. Thanks for your response x

 

Modified by Mossgrove to sort the quotes out, hope you don't mind!

Edited September 11, 2008 by mossgrove

[pearl]

Hi Owl

You are not being pathetic, I know exactly where you are coming from as my lad is 19 & as you say, its hard to help our adult children & there are all the issues regarding their privacy too. I know I often dont post stuff I'd really like to out of respect for his feelings.

 

I really hope that the union rep can help your son, could he at least disclose to him then the motivation behind what he did is clear? My lad was recently scammed out of �160 by someone who "needed help". Its a hard lesson to learn but I doubt he will be scammed again in that way & hopefully your son will have learned from this experience too.

[Cat]

Life does not become any easier once they become adults that is for sure. In fact when they are kids we can help them to make decisions but you can not force a 21 year old to do are say something they do not want to do. My eldest is also 21 but he does not work. He is also visually impaired but I know that even without that he could not stand the stress that a working environment would bring with it. It is so sad that your son has gone to such extreem measures to try and find a friends. It is actually heartbreaking. Can't offer any words of wisdom just wanted you to know that there are now a few of us here who have adult children so you are not alone.

 

It must be really hard for your hubby. At least if the diagnosis was common knowledge people may make more allowances but I fully understand the reasons behind not wanting people to know. I have a friend whose son works in a Government Department and he did not want anyone to know either because he knew that he would not be accepted. We live in a very mixed up world do we not.

 

Cat

[chris54]

Hi Owl

 

Take it from me that I don't expect there is one person at the firm were your son works that has not at some time helped themselves to something that thy shouldn't have. Yes he has got court with his hand in the till, but his/his dads work mates wont if they are honest judge him to hard, as I said "There for the grace of god go I".

 

I know he won't want any one to know about his problems and I don't know what industry your son works in but he is obviously able to do the job ok and to some extent is accepted, I can't help but think that if a few people in top management know it would help him.

 

In my experience often managers in bigger organizations tend to look on younger employees in the same way as they would their own children and make allowances for their stupidity.

 

If the management are giving him a second chance then take it get on with life and put this down to experience.

 

Good luck and try not to worry.

 

Chris.

[Tally]

Hi Owl, and welcome to the forum.

 

You do have the right to talk about your son. You have the right to an outlet. It is reasonable for you to talk about him here, because you are not revealing his identity.

 

I hope the union can help your son. Have they given any indication what they expect the outcome to be? It would be better for your son to resign than be fired if it comes to that.

[Kathryn]

Owl, I hope your husband can come to terms with this too and realise that it's not his fault. As Tally says, you need an outlet too. You're supporting both of them, and that's tough.

 

I hope your son is treated fairly.

 

K x

[owl]

Owl, I hope your husband can come to terms with this too and realise that it's not his fault. As Tally says, you need an outlet too. You're supporting both of them, and that's tough.

 

I hope your son is treated fairly.

 

K x

thank you so much for yr kind remarks and support everyone, they made me feel less alone and were a real comfort xxx Owl

[owl]

Hi Owl, and welcome to the forum.

 

You do have the right to talk about your son. You have the right to an outlet. It is reasonable for you to talk about him here, because you are not revealing his identity.

 

I hope the union can help your son. Have they given any indication what they expect the outcome to be? It would be better for your son to resign than be fired if it comes to that.

 

Thank you Tally for yr kind remarks. To our great relief, someone who we have helped in the past came forward and helped our son in return. He may be suspended for a wk without pay, or loose his bonus, or even just get his knuckles rapped. The union rep was good too. the relief is so enormous

I think i will go and have a big glass of wine. I have a nice warm feeling inside knowing that sometimes

what goes round comes round x x

[bid]

I'm back!

 

I really wanted to reply to your post, Owl, so Lufty very kindly re-activated my account

 

I'm so glad things are working out for your son, and you must be so proud that he's successfully holding down a job

 

My son is 19, and in some ways I think it's maybe harder than when he was a little boy. On the one hand I am enormously proud of all the things he has achieved, most of which I couldn't see ever happening when he was little and literally bouncing off the walls as his ADHD was so severe!

 

But, once our children are young adults there are no more 'achievable goals' to fight for, with a clearly defined process to work through (statements, school placements, etc). As a parent I do feel in limbo, occupying an observational role as my son wants to make his way independently, yet still struggling with difficulties.

 

It is very, very hard to support adult children, as understandably they don't want parental interference, and have their own views on whether they even want anyone (employers, college, etc) to know they have AS. I know the key is to keep communication going, but of course this is hugely difficult for our children...one thing I have found that's a positive is that my son likes going for a pub lunch with me (the couple of pints of lager probably help ) and then he will chat, and it's possible to find out a little of what's going on. But it's very, very hard.

 

Owl, I really hope your son learns something from this unfortunate incident, and that it doesn't dent his confidence too much <'>

 

Bid

[bid]

I can't stop crying. sorry if i'm being pathetic, but i feel powerless to help him, because he's an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking about him. I can't talk to anyone about it

 

Owl <'> <'>

 

I feel like this too, a lot of the time, even though I'm enormously proud of everything my son does. I wish I could turn the clock back to when he was little when I could protect him, and maybe do things better/differently...

 

Bid <'>

Edited September 15, 2008 by bid

[owl]

I'm back!

 

I really wanted to reply to your post, Owl, so Lufty very kindly re-activated my account

 

I'm so glad things are working out for your son, and you must be so proud that he's successfully holding down a job

 

My son is 19, and in some ways I think it's maybe harder than when he was a little boy. On the one hand I am enormously proud of all the things he has achieved, most of which I couldn't see ever happening when he was little and literally bouncing off the walls as his ADHD was so severe!

 

But, once our children are young adults there are no more 'achievable goals' to fight for, with a clearly defined process to work through (statements, school placements, etc). As a parent I do feel in limbo, occupying an observational role as my son wants to make his way independently, yet still struggling with difficulties.

 

It is very, very hard to support adult children, as understandably they don't want parental interference, and have their own views on whether they even want anyone (employers, college, etc) to know they have AS. I know the key is to keep communication going, but of course this is hugely difficult for our children...one thing I have found that's a positive is that my son likes going for a pub lunch with me (the couple of pints of lager probably help ) and then he will chat, and it's possible to find out a little of what's going on. But it's very, very hard.

 

Owl, I really hope your son learns something from this unfortunate incident, and that it doesn't dent his confidence too much <'>

 

Bid Thank you so much Bid, that's exactly how it is, and ironically, apparently a lot of people have been really good to him since the incident, AND he seems able to take gentle comments/suggestions from me a little better when he wants guidance about the intricacies of relationships, whereas before he would ask for my opinion, and then get upset when i gave it. The whole thing seems somehow to have helped him realise how much he is loved. Hubby also seems a little better xx owl