not sure where to go from here

[joybed]

M who is 12 and has ASD is not coping in mainstream school, I have posted this before but things are getting worse. Initially he had lessons and teachers he liked and would work in and that gave him incentive to go on those days, so we only had tantrums and tears on the days when all his lessons were rubbish (his words not mine). He has now decided school in general is way too stressful for him and he is not coping. Apparently he is not happy that he only gets 30 minutes IT a week and much more of PE. He states that as he is Autistic he should be allowed to do only the subjects he likes and not go to the other lessons. I have tried to explain that the whole purpose of school is to give a good all round education so that you can then decide what area you would like to specialize in but he just doesn,t get it. I have also tried to reason that life has good and bad bits but he doesn,t understand why it has to be like this. He is stressed with the fact he needs to work in groups and is apparently being nasty to the other children he was told to work with to the point he upset another boy the other day. He hates moving from class to class, hates lunchtime, breaktimes too busy not able to tolerate eating with others. He has now decided he will not work at all and to be honest is making our life at home a misery. He won,t do his homework or read and argues about everything. his litttle brother says "he doesn,t want to meet him in this house again" this is after he made them both cry at tea time last night by being thoroughly unpleasant and screaming at them. School have acknowledegd that he isn,t working but don,t seem concerned as apparently he is coping and doesnt appear stressed to them i have tried to explain it all comes out at home but they don,t understand. Last week i telephoned the SENCO and she never returned my call and yesterday i sent a letter to school and have had no acknowledgement Marcus says he handed it in and said i told you it would do no good. The SPED team are involved but are so slow i am going to telephone again this afternoon.

I was in his room the other night till 01.00 hrs trying to reason with him come up with suitable solutions I eventually ended the conversation by refusing to discuss it any more as we were going round in circles. He then set his alarm for 05.00 so he could start again, I ended up being late for work as I couldn,t get away from him.

The trouble is all suggestions are rejected out of hand. I suggested maybe an ASD unit would work better but despite the fact he says he isn,t coping he says he doesn,t want to leave school and the teachers and states he won,t work wherever i send him to be educated . Do you think if I could get him into a unit he might settle? anyone had experience of a resistant child that finds it does work if you force the issue. He appears to not want to make the suggestions work and in my opinion he appears depressed and anxious all the time. i have been thinking a little about medication but don,t have any experience in this area and wouldnt know who to turn to, he is seeing a psycholgist in family therapy would she be the one to speak to. GP says he doesn,t know enough.

I am fearful to leave him alone as says things like my life is not worth living I may as well jump of a bridge and he cuts himself frequently but not with sharp things that i can hide he breaks up plastic anything that will cause harm. I cannot take him to school as i have the other 2 to take to school and have no help as DH is at work so he goes on the bus.

I feel i am struggling to cope and am just about holding it together. I have a high pressure job which in some ways is good as it totally takes my mind of everything at home but in other ways just getting there is a challenge some days and i was this close to asking for a sick note the other day only the fact we are short staffed is making me go. I am tired all the time and very short tempered with everyone which really isn,t fair in them. Dh is supportive in some ways but makes unhelpful comments like if he doesn,t want to work don,t stress he will just never achieve anything and remember we have 3 children not just him. Which is totally unfair as i feel i practically run myself ragged to treat every child as an equal. Sorry for the long moan, feels better to get it off my chest.

[Cat]

I have tried to explain that the whole purpose of school is to give a good all round education so that you can then decide what area you would like to specialize in but he just doesn,t get it.

 

This may well be the purpose of a school specifically set up to meet the needs of neuro-typical kids but autistic kids are not neuro-typical and will never see things from that angle. Even a neuro-typical child genius is allowed to excel in their area of interests are they not? I would also question if a stressed and frustrated child is able to learn all of the subjects they are being told will set them up for life.

 

He is stressed with the fact he needs to work in groups and is apparently being nasty to the other children he was told to work with to the point he upset another boy the other day. He hates moving from class to class, hates lunchtime, breaktimes too busy not able to tolerate eating with others.

 

These were the issues that led my son into a total breakdown. Your son is being nasty because he is unable to cope. He is actually saying this but what is being done to help him here? You can not make someone fit in who is clearly NOT fitting in. Where are the reasonable adjustments are there any being made?

 

He is stressed with the fact he needs to work in groups and is apparently being nasty to the other children he was told to work with to the point he upset another boy the other day. He hates moving from class to class, hates lunchtime, breaktimes too busy not able to tolerate eating with others.

 

I think that your son is stressed full stop and it is coming out via inacceptable behaviour but he has no other way of making his point.

 

School have acknowledegd that he isn,t working but don,t seem concerned as apparently he is coping and doesnt appear stressed to them i have tried to explain it all comes out at home but they don,t understand. Last week i telephoned the SENCO and she never returned my call and yesterday i sent a letter to school and have had no acknowledgement Marcus says he handed it in and said i told you it would do no good. The SPED team are involved but are so slow i am going to telephone again this afternoon.

 

Unless your son is becoming a problem for them it probably wont bother them what he is like as home. The school sound dreadful to be honest with you.

 

I was in his room the other night till 01.00 hrs trying to reason with him come up with suitable solutions I eventually ended the conversation by refusing to discuss it any more as we were going round in circles. He then set his alarm for 05.00 so he could start again, I ended up being late for work as I couldn,t get away from him.

 

I do not think that you can reason with a child who is fast reaching the point of no return. The overlaod just continues to pile up on top of them and any hope of reasoning with them is lost.

 

The trouble is all suggestions are rejected out of hand. I suggested maybe an ASD unit would work better but despite the fact he says he isn,t coping he says he doesn,t want to leave school and the teachers and states he won,t work wherever i send him to be educated

 

The trouble is that he is unable to visualise any other way so he will be unable to understand that there is another way which could be much better for him.

 

Do you think if I could get him into a unit he might settle? anyone had experience of a resistant child that finds it does work if you force the issue. He appears to not want to make the suggestions work and in my opinion he appears depressed and anxious all the time. i have been thinking a little about medication but don,t have any experience in this area and wouldnt know who to turn to, he is seeing a psycholgist in family therapy would she be the one to speak to. GP says he doesn,t know enough.

 

Sometimes I think that you have to make decisions for your kids when you know that they are unable to make an informed choice. Sometimes it takes that kind of action to get them back on track. I had a resistant child who was pushed until he cracked and we never got him back to school. I realise now that not attending school was the right choice to make for our son. A stressed and anxious child learns nothing. We did the family therapy thing and that was all wrapped around getting our son back into school. The problem was that it had to be the same mainstream school where things and already gone pear shapped.

 

While I accept that an education is important I am one of those people who believe that school is simply a building and that you do not need to be attending a school to receive an education. Education is wherever we are. My son flatly refused medication and I was reluctant to go that route myself if I am being honest.

 

I am fearful to leave him alone as says things like my life is not worth living I may as well jump of a bridge and he cuts himself frequently but not with sharp things that i can hide he breaks up plastic anything that will cause harm. I cannot take him to school as i have the other 2 to take to school and have no help as DH is at work so he goes on the bus.

I feel i am struggling to cope and am just about holding it together.

 

Been here done that and on occassions still wear the T Shirt. We did end up on suicide watch with our son and we ended up hiding all of our knives tablets etc. It's no way to live believe me. I eventually gave up my job which was a very difficult decision given that I had just been offered a job which would mean my working in London for two days a week. It was a dream job but life was a nightmare and I knew that it was not going to work. Leaving altogether was drastic action but living post breakdown was not easy and a full time job was impossible to handle to.

 

I was told that by not sending my son back to school that I was giving in to him. I know that I actually saved his sanity and mine.

 

I do feel for you right now not a nice place to be <'>

 

Cat

Edited October 17, 2008 by Cat

[Diane]

Hi Joybed,

 

This could be my story about my DS and secondary school. All I can do is say how it was for us and hopefully there might be something in it that is helpful to you.

 

M who is 12 and has ASD is not coping in mainstream school, I have posted this before but things are getting worse. Initially he had lessons and teachers he liked and would work in and that gave him incentive to go on those days, so we only had tantrums and tears on the days when all his lessons were rubbish (his words not mine). He has now decided school in general is way too stressful for him and he is not coping. Apparently he is not happy that he only gets 30 minutes IT a week and much more of PE.

 

[/color]My son also worked for the teachers he liked and not for the ones he didn't he wjould refuse to work and leave the lesson without permission. After much battling with school they made arrangements for my DS to go to the LS room for the lessons he could not cope with, he refused as he did not want to be seen to be different from the other children. He did not and still does not realise that he is already treated differently by them. PE was a lesson he found difficult I got round this by writing him a note excusing him. Initially the teachers said he could be a referee as this meant he still had to get changed and joined in the lesson. Eventually he refused to even this so the notes started again. i explained to school that this was the difference of him being in school or out so they accepted it. This went on from year 7 to the end of year 9. Now he is in year ten when he has gone into school he has happily joined in PE.

 

He is stressed with the fact he needs to work in groups and is apparently being nasty to the other children he was told to work with to the point he upset another boy the other day.

 

Working is groups we got round this my my DS working with one other person and gradually increased the number. The person he worked with was someone who could be flexible. This did not always happen and sometimes my DS worked on his own as this is what he likes. At other times the teacher would spend longer with his group than others.

 

He hates moving from class to class, hates lunchtime, breaktimes too busy not able to tolerate eating with others.

 

I used to collect my DS from school and take him home for his lunch. The next step was lunch in the car on school grounds but where the children could not see us. We then had lunch in the car and walked around a field where there were not other children. Eventually he started having lunch with his friend but outside as he did not like the lunch hall. This continues to be a problem but he is now allowed with a friend to go to his tutor room for break and lunch time. This was achieved over many months

 

He has now decided he will not work at all and to be honest is making our life at home a misery. He won,t do his homework or read and argues about everything.

 

School need to find away to motivate him to work this could be having time doing ict. So this does not impact on his lesson this could be offered as a lunchtime reward which would also help with the lunchtime problem. At home life was very difficult my DS would argue and throw all his school books at me he was up until the small wee hours. We pulled back to a part-time time-table. This only worked in the short run as he would eventually refuse to go in. He has been known to run away from school because he could not cope.

 

I continually argued with schoool and gave them intervention ideas to help but they did not take them up and it is still an ongoing battle this is despite his psychologist and outreach worker having many meetings with them.

 

 

School have acknowledegd that he isn,t working but don,t seem concerned as apparently he is coping and doesnt appear stressed to them i have tried to explain it all comes out at home but they don,t understand.

 

I have this problem now that my DS appears to be ok in school but he is not as he off loads when he gets home. I had a meeting with all the teachers who teach him with his outreach worker and we explained that underneath the appearance of being ok is a child who is peddling like made to cope because he wants so desperately to be like the other children. They still do not get that he won't say when he needs help or is not coping so his stress level goes from 1coping to a full blow out. they have been asked to give him time out by of an envelope intervention. He is sent on a fictious errand to reception or the LS room the walk there and back gives him the down time he needs. If he does a good piece of work he sent to his year head to show her. She allows this to happen even if she is teaching.

 

Last week i telephoned the SENCO and she never returned my call and yesterday i sent a letter to school and have had no acknowledgement Marcus says he handed it in and said i told you it would do no good.

 

School are hopless at keeping me informed, however they do communicate with the outreach worker and she feeds back to me. I know as parents we should have a voice and what we say should be taken into consideration. School would not take onboard my ideas but they do from the outreach worker even though they are the sames ones. GRRRR

 

I was in his room the other night till 01.00 hrs trying to reason with him come up with suitable solutions I eventually ended the conversation by refusing to discuss it any more as we were going round in circles. He then set his alarm for 05.00 so he could start again, I ended up being late for work as I couldn,t get away from him.

 

I have done the same. What i found has worked is stories about what he is not understand and solutions to the problem so he is then able to process what he needs to do. This takes many hours and many stories in the last year with have filled four journals. It does work for my DS. i also do choices digrams with him so he can see the events as they happened and where he could have made different choice. I have asked school to do this with him but they do not so they have problems.

 

 

The trouble is all suggestions are rejected out of hand. I suggested maybe an ASD unit would work better but despite the fact he says he isn,t coping he says he doesn,t want to leave school and the teachers and states he won,t work wherever i send him to be educated

 

I have no answer for this as my DS is the same. So if you find the solution to this one let me know.

 

anyone had experience of a resistant child that finds it does work if you force the issue.

 

I would not force the issue as this makes anxiety worse and then they dig there heels in even more. You need to find away to give your son understanding. Again using social stories might help. I had help from my son psychologist with this.

 

He appears to not want to make the suggestions work and in my opinion he appears depressed and anxious all the time.

 

He could genuinely be depressed and anxious and you should not ignore his symptoms. I di and my son started to self harm. When i was able to give him an understanding the self harming and hiding stopped.

 

 

I am fearful to leave him alone as says things like my life is not worth living I may as well jump of a bridge and he cuts himself frequently but not with sharp things that i can hide he breaks up plastic anything that will cause harm.

 

I think you need to get the psychologist onboard not just to help support your son but yourself also.

 

I cannot take him to school as i have the other 2 to take to school and have no help as DH is at work so he goes on the bus.

 

My son eventually refused to go on the bus to school. I did not have other children to take to school as his sister made her own way to school and then onto college. Sometimes he would not go to school until second period. At others because I could not be late for work I dropped him off early and just hoped he would be ok.

 

I feel i am struggling to cope and am just about holding it together. I have a high pressure job which in some ways is good as it totally takes my mind of everything at home but in other ways just getting there is a challenge some days and i was this close to asking for a sick note the other day only the fact we are short staffed is making me go.

I am tired all the time and very short tempered with everyone which really isn,t fair in them.

 

You need to look after yourself. I di not because I thought I was some kind of super mum and I fell off the cliff edge this summer and have been signed off work ever since. I am hoping that the Gp will say I am fit enough to return in November. So please pleas look after yourself. Work will cope with out you. I know I should not say this but if you rushed to hospital for an emergency of some sort the company you work for would not go under because you did not turn up. I hope you do not think I am having ago. I just know what it is like to get to the end of your teather and not know which way to turn.

 

 

Dh is supportive in some ways but makes unhelpful comments like if he doesn,t want to work don,t stress he will just never achieve anything and remember we have 3 children not just him. Which is totally unfair as i feel i practically run myself ragged to treat every child as an equal. Sorry for the long moan, feels better to get it off my chest.

 

I have been there with my DH it has taken me a long time to give him the same understanding that I have. We have had meetings with the psychologist just the two of us and this has helped my DH the other thing I found was that I would and still do say to DH we need to talk to DS about blah blah I would like yo to do it and this is what you need to say. I have only done this recently and he is learning fast. I also gave him the curious incident of the dog in the nightime to read, he is a slow and reluctant reader but he could see and understand our son in a different way afterwards. I am buying a copy for all family memebers this christmas.

 

 

I am thinking of you just now <'> >< I hope you find away that works for your family to move forward. It has taken my DS three years to get to where he is now and having returned to school for the first three weeks has been medically signed off whilst a new package is put in place which will be a combination of work experience and school attendance and possibly a day of home tutoring. Schools can be flexible about how they offer your son his education. You will have to fight hard and have lots of evidence that proves the traditional way is not working and also involve outside agencys. This makes me angry :wallbash: that we have to fight long and hard for what is called inclusion. An edcation that they can access.

 

 

<'> >< <'> >< <'>

 

 

[Diane]

I tried to colour your quotes and my responses differently butit looks like i got it all wrong! Sorry

[chris54]

Hi joybed.

 

Just a quick point, If I want to contact the school, I will often send them a email that way you know they get it.

I have been known to think of something a 3 in the morning and send of a email for them to get the next day.

Just sent one the the SENCO about his DR appointment.

 

I have the email address of the Head, his teacher, the SENCO and the School Office.

[Kazzen161]

M who is 12 and has ASD is not coping in mainstream school, I have posted this before but things are getting worse. Initially he had lessons and teachers he liked and would work in and that gave him incentive to go on those days, so we only had tantrums and tears on the days when all his lessons were rubbish (his words not mine). He has now decided school in general is way too stressful for him and he is not coping

 

Been there, done that. For my 15 year old, he hardly went to school/classes in Yr 7 and 8, and EWO couldn't have cared less. Year 9 was a little better, and in Yr 10 and 11 he has gone to all lessons (as he has chosen most of them).

 

He states that as he is Autistic he should be allowed to do only the subjects he likes and not go to the other lessons

 

Where did he get this idea from? Autism may be a reason to find some things difficult, but not to not do them (with a few exceptions). I resorted to telling my son that it was the law that he had to go to school, and that I would end up in jail if he did not go. I would help him and mediate with the school/teachers, but he had to go.

 

In year 8, we started a chart, and he started off by going to all the lessons he liked . Then we gradually increased the target (slowly over the weeks), until he was doing all lessons except French (the SENCO agreed he could have that time to go to the Unit and catch up on work/sort out any problems/chill). If he met his target each day he got �1 (so �5 a week). I wrote an "all about R" sheet for each teacher/subject, so they knew what he would find difficult. He was allowed to go to the Unit and play on the computer at lunch times.

 

He was on meds (anti-depressants) for a short time, and that did help.

 

I have tried to explain that the whole purpose of school is to give a good all round education so that you can then decide what area you would like to specialize in but he just doesn,t get it. I have also tried to reason that life has good and bad bits but he doesn,t understand why it has to be like this.

 

I find it hard to justify why it has to be like this too. I stuck to "it is the law" made by the Government (" yes, they are silly - but it is the law, and I will go to jail if you don't go"). Reassure him that in Year 10 he willl get to choose some of his subjects.

 

He is stressed with the fact he needs to work in groups and is apparently being nasty to the other children he was told to work with to the point he upset another boy the other day. He hates moving from class to class, hates lunchtime, breaktimes too busy not able to tolerate eating with others

 

These are all things that the school coudl help him with. If he really does need to work in a group, they need to put him with carefully chosen pupils and support him to work as a team (it is a skill that needs to be taught). What is it he hates about the moving around? Getting lost? (Practice and use a map). The bustle? (leave a few minutes before the bell). Can he eat in a classroom? Can he sit in the library at beaktime? etc. It is not inclusion to expect him to fit iin with the school.

 

He has now decided he will not work at all and to be honest is making our life at home a misery. He won,t do his homework or read and argues about everything.

 

Routines and bribery help.

 

his litttle brother says "he doesn,t want to meet him in this house again" this is after he made them both cry at tea time last night by being thoroughly unpleasant and screaming at them

 

He is obviously very stressed about school - if you can reduce that, his behaviour will improve.

 

School have acknowledegd that he isn,t working but don,t seem concerned as apparently he is coping and doesnt appear stressed to them

 

How are they going to explain his poor progress? (though it is amazing how little they actually seem to do at school - it didn't really affect my son's progress when he missed a lot of school).

 

Last week i telephoned the SENCO and she never returned my call and yesterday i sent a letter to school and have had no acknowledgement Marcus says he handed it in and said i told you it would do no good.

 

Put everything in writing (dated) and hand it in yourself (just in case!), or send it by post (recorded preferably!).

 

The trouble is all suggestions are rejected out of hand. I suggested maybe an ASD unit would work better but despite the fact he says he isn,t coping he says he doesn,t want to leave school and the teachers and states he won,t work wherever i send him to be educated . Do you think if I could get him into a unit he might settle? anyone had experience of a resistant child that finds it does work if you force the issue.

 

Been there. If he wants to stay in mainstream, make it work. He will only get in a Unit if he has a Statement, and only if there are still places available. It may help, but it would depend on the Unit and him.

My eldest went to an AS specialist school, and although some things were better, it was still impossible to get him to do things he did not want to do (eg: French - "what's the point? I'm never going to France"). He is really happy at a specialist college now, but he still refuses to do citizenship.

 

Generally a psychiatrist needs to prescribe meds. It might be worth trying, even short-term, especially if he is harming himself.

 

I cannot take him to school as i have the other 2 to take to school and have no help as DH is at work so he goes on the bus.

 

Maybe you could take him in a bit earlier or later? Maybe you could get someone else to take the other two to school for a while. Maybe you could argue for a taxi. If he finds the bus stressful, it is not going to be a good start to the day.

 

My Twins leave school next July and I can't wait! College does seem to be easier, as they choose what they want to do.

[Cat]

 

But it is not the law that children have to go to school. It is the law that children must receive a suitable education.

 

Cat

 

 

[Canopus]

I have tried to explain that the whole purpose of school is to give a good all round education so that you can then decide what area you would like to specialize in but he just doesn,t get it.

 

You have clearly fallen into a trap. School does not provide a good all round education. Just a variety of topics selected by the government. My secondary school never taught me anything about computers, cooking, or driving and insuring cars, yet these are an important part of adult life. Much of what I learnt at secondary school has been of absolutely no use as life as an adult or a preparation for the real world.

 

I have also tried to reason that life has good and bad bits but he doesn,t understand why it has to be like this.

 

The cube marbles effect.

 

He is stressed with the fact he needs to work in groups and is apparently being nasty to the other children he was told to work with to the point he upset another boy the other day.

 

The problem is the other kids in the group. If he is expected to work with people he can't get on with then he will get stressed. Group work should be practiced with people he can get on well with.

 

I am fearful to leave him alone as says things like my life is not worth living I may as well jump of a bridge and he cuts himself frequently but not with sharp things that i can hide he breaks up plastic anything that will cause harm.

 

This is very serious. Your son is suffering from severe depression. I think a cooling off period out of school is needed to prevent things from getting worse.

 

[chris54]

My secondary school never taught me anything about computers,---

 

 

My secondary school never taught me anything about computers , but then back then they hadn't invented computers as we know them today.

 

I very much see the point of secondary school/education as preparing you, Teaching you (for a better way of putting it)how to learn.The problem is that the schools see it as getting you through a set of hoops. Some of what you learn along the way may be helpful a lot of it you will never use. But that is just the same in the real world. Just think of all the things you learnt when learning to drive and then promptly forgot.(Even more for today's L Drivers)

 

joybed.

I can add anything more to what the others have advised.

Best of luck.

Chris.

[Canopus]

I very much see the point of secondary school/education as preparing you, Teaching you (for a better way of putting it)how to learn.

 

Why secondary education and not primary education? Some people, including myself, are very good at self education which is something schools don't teach (and probably don't like) because they are based around teacher led classroom based learning with subjects taught on an age rather than ability basis.

 

[Enid]

Hi Joybed <'> <'> . I could also have written this as been there as well, I eventually took my son out of mainstream in yr7, he used to stay on the bus and not get off, He was given a taxi after the first two weeks, but still couldnt cope. He has been in a bad way since december last year, I wish I had taken him out earlier. He is at a very small special school now, still not ideal, but only 7 kids in his class and the TA goes to every lesson with him. Still struggling at home tho and we are looking into boarding, he says he wont go tho so not sure what to do about that! Take care. Enid

[chris54]

Why secondary education and not primary education?

 

No reason other than we were talking about transition from primary to secondary.

[Kazzen161]

But it is not the law that children have to go to school. It is the law that children must receive a suitable education.

 

Cat

 

If you tell a child that (even an NT one) he would never go to school.

 

It is up to us to use that argument with the school/LA, not with the child.

 

 

[Canopus]

If you tell a child that (even an NT one) he would never go to school.

 

It is up to us to use that argument with the school/LA, not with the child.

 

Kids have rights don't you flipping well know! If a school is causing so much stress and depression that it is damaging their health then they need to get out, and quickly.

[Cat]

 

I personally believe that many of the psychological problems that children with autism appear to have are as a direct result of our school system, especially mainstream. I could not watch my kids sinking into the mire while I fought for something that all too often does not exist or only becomes available after years of fighting when the damage to the child has been done.

 

Cat

 

 

 

 

[Clare63]

I personally believe that many of the psychological problems that children with autism appear to have are as a direct result of our school system, especially mainstream. I could not watch my kids sinking into the mire while I fought for something that all too often does not exist or only becomes available after years of fighting when the damage to the child has been done.

 

Cat

 

 

Here, here, most deffinately as in our case, its also seems to be more common for things to go down hill from yr 7 or yr 8

[joybed]

Thankyou all for your replies it means so much to know their are others are in the same situation. The trouble is i am not lucky enough to be able to home educate, I am sure i could gain the skills, knowledge , and patience to do it but practically it does not fit in with our life. I work 30 hours, shift work and often go without sleep as it is, if i am on nights at the weekend and DH is working i am often awake for 40 hours at a time as i get up with the kids at 06.00 and then don,t get to bed till the last one is in bed at 21.30hrs even then he is not asleep and i am listening out till he is. This as you can imagine is damaging my health (not to mention my waist line) and ability to cope with even the minor things in life. however i cannnot afford to give up work we have a large mortgage as well as the usual bills and 3 kids to provide for. Thirdly i suggested to DH that i decrease my hours and he said no as it will make life easier for me but not for him as he will then have to work more hours to compensate for the shortfall. I already have a term time contract and don,t work late shifts in the week so i can be there for the kids in the evening but all the kids hate me going to work before they get up and they hate me being on nights even though they are sleeping. I can see what this is doing to my son but i have no answers as to how to make it easier. I am making enquiries at the moment about an ASD school that sounds fantastic but have virtually been told by the SPED team that we won,t get funding and can,t afford the 8 grand a term so again we have failed him. The only ASD unit in our area have said they cannot meet his needs academically but it is moving to a new site in December so I am not sure whether this will change as apparently it is having links with a mainstream school. Will have to telephone them tomorrow after work. Thanks again for your support.

[julieann]

Here, here, most deffinately as in our case, its also seems to be more common for things to go down hill from yr 7 or yr 8

I couldn't agree more Cat and Clare63,

 

Secondary schools seem to have adopted a ruling for all new year 7 pupils that is disasterous for pupils with ASD.

No matter what the records from primary school say about their behaviour etc. in primary school they are all

allowed to "start with a clean slate" in secondary.

 

My son hadn't coped from day 1 primary. He was asked to leave his year 6 class a term early because the staff

couldn't cope with him.They put his absence down as agreed abscence.

At this time seven years ago I hadn't heard of Asperger's Syndrome, it was only a suggestion from a doctor that directed

me in that direction. Once I had some information and understanding of ASD's my sons behaviour began to make sense.

Tony Attwood was about the only book available on Asperger's syndrome.

 

I got in touch with my sons secondary school and the LEA before he started year 7 in the September. I begged them to

help him. The schools attitude was lots of children get into trouble at primary school for all different reasons. We give

them a new start, clean slate at secondary school. I'm sure lots of you have been there. I was seen as an over

protective mother who was the cause of most of my sons problems.

 

To cut a very long and still painful saga short. My son barely coped to year 8 by which time staff were refusing to have

him in their lessons.He was given a desk out in the corridor. The school were no longer returning my calls unless he

was in more trouble and then they were all miraculously available.

 

After a failed suicide attempt I took my son out of school deregistering him in June 2003. The head phoned me at home

and said "If S wasn't brought back to school I would go to prison".

 

Within two weeks I had EWO's and all manner of people pounding at my door. With the help of Education Otherwise I

was determined my son wasn't going back to school. I was ready for the poor unfortunate EWO that had been sent to

see my sons homeschooling work.

 

She was like a breath of fresh air. We had to bring my son into the room because he was terrified of her. It turned out

later he thought she had come to take collect him to take him back to school. The lady talked to S about how he felt

about school and teachers and asked him to do a multiplication sum which he did on the floor with his back to her.

 

After about 30 minutes of observing and talking to my son she said. I'm appalled by the treatment your son has

suffered at the hands of the Education system. For a start he needs time to recover from the school system. His

behavioural problems aren't a result of his learning difficulties but a result of years of abuse in a system full of narrow

minded people. I am seeing more and more of the cases daily (2003). Don't ever try to put him back into the school

system and I suggest you get yourself a lawyer.

 

My report will state that you fully understand what is required to home educate. I was in shock. When a copy of her

report arrived a few days later I tried to contact her at the LEA and was told that she had moved on and was no longer

available.

 

Five years on and the secondary school I am LSA at has just had 5 or 6 year 7 pupils with suspected but not diagnosed

ASD's and the advice is be aware of them but they don't need any help unless they become disruptive in the

lessons As we all no when they are going down hill and not coping is to late for

intervention.

 

[joybed]

Thought i would just update. I finally got hold of the SENCO yesterday after she telephoned to ask my permission for M to stay to buddy club. So i grabbed the bull by the horns and discussed the above. She said she had recieved a phonecall from the SPED team saying that m was having problems and she had assured them he was coping. All this was said in a very flippant manner. Tried patiently to explain that he may appear to be coping because he is holding it all in until he gets home from school then telling us all his worries, also explained that he cried most nights, self harmed and was threatening to jump of a bridge. She then suggested that he was attention seeking as he didn,t get enough because of his younger siblings. I told her that they all had equal attention and love, the little ones might have more direct contact than M because he chose to hide in his room away from the other 2 but i could tell she wasn,t listening. I was absolutely furious and very upset. When i picked m up from school I told him what had been said (obviously in a subtle way) and he said that everytime he goes to them with a problem they say we need to sort out your stress management issues, i agree with this but they are not sorting out anything and just appear to be fobbing us off.

I then spoke to my wonderful supportive mother (not) who agreed with the SENCO and said i just need to spend more time with him what does she suggest I forget i have 2 other children, a husband, a job, a life.

Today i went to family therapy alone as there were things i needed to discuss without M present and she said she couldn,t believe school and my mum were refusing to acknowledge there was a problem and said that she was seriously concerned about Ms mental state and suggested he may be better in an ASD unit. I suggested i felt the school were trying to meet targets and she in an indirect way agreed with me. She gave a leaflet about self harm and how to deal with it as parents, which hopefully will help as i feel well out of my depth. She has asked to see us agin in 2 weeks as she wants to see M herself.

I then spoke to the local ASD unit who suggested i telephone the SEN team and get his review brought forward which i hadn,t realised i could do. I can,t believe this is happening as i had doubts about his abilty to cope in the mainstream comp anyway and the SENCO seemed so confident they could meet his needs told me about how well the other ASD boy they had was doing, it makes me wonder if he reallly is doing that well. So still stressed but preparing for the fight as i will not give up till I have my happy boy back. Thanks again for your help.