charliesmomuk Report post Posted October 27, 2008 Hi, I'm newish here and just tend to read but wonder if anyone could offer advice. My son is 11, has Autism and moderate learning difficulties. He attends a special school where he is an able pupil.. he is academically about aged 6-7 for most things, and he is a gentle passive child. Left to his own devices Charlie simply likes to look up his obsessions on wikipedia (it has helped his reading!!) and to line up pencils. Unused, blunt ended pencils.. hundreds of the things around the house. That's about it. He is self contained and content as long as no-one messes with his pencils ! Recently to my amazement another child from school has come to the house (amazing as al the children are MLD/SLD so independence like that is rare).he wants to play with Charlie. He is a very nice kid too, a few years older, about 10 developmentally and sweet..just wants Charlie to ride his bike (trike!) or play PS2. Initially I was pleased because I thought YAY he has a friend!!! Charlie has never had a friend! BUT... Charlie doesn't want to. He likes the child.as much as he likes anyone.. but really playing isn't something he can do, he's not independent enough to go out unsupervised so if he is outside on his trike I have to be outside near..which neither child minds, but.. Charlie looks anxious now if our doorbell rings because he thinks it will be the other child wanting him to play. Charlie really really just likes to be alone. Half of me feels I should persevere with encouraging Charlie to interact, even if it's just for 20 mins and then make his excuses.. his solitary leisure time upsets me. But that is probably because I am wanting things to be 'normal' for him socially..and I know Charlie just doesn't see the world that way. he's yr 7, has never really played but has always been happy in his own world but he seems to becoming more isolated by choice.. do I let him be? Jules Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted October 27, 2008 Hi Jules, How about meeting the friend somewhere other than home? A play park, or something similar - for a set amount of time (30 minutes?), and go from there. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted October 27, 2008 (edited) Jay has his moments too to play solitary and its good to get our own space but when a child wants to play solitary all the time, I wouldnt feel confortable, I get a feeling especially for Boys they belong in little packs, like cubs/puppies/wolfs it kind of a male bonding process, I would be worried if a child wanted to be alone all the time, may be they were depressed, or finding it too stressful to interact, share, communicate. Is there problems when other children are playing with your son, is he getting bullied, teased? J is getting into the age where naturally children are developing more complex social skills and the gap is widening, but his few male mates do take into account his special needs, Js a real rough and tumble baby lion, he loves to play tactile games, but doesnt do conversations though can talk, if its about stuff he want to talk about, but in a group it has to be a give and take relationships SO finds this bit more difficult. J will at times want to play on his own, but I do encourage as much as possible social play, especially as he is not in education at the moment. I would seek further information on why it is he wants to play alone when he has the opportunity to actually play with another person. JsMum Edited October 27, 2008 by JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted October 27, 2008 This is a very tricky one, isn't it, Jules and I'm in a similar position. I can understand that for your lad, being in his own space with his own things and interests around him is comforting for him and to have another child come in and do things differently or 'mess' things up could be irritating or stressful for him, but at the same time we all want to see our children enjoying friendships and even if they don't want this or can't achieve it, it doesn't stop us wanting it. I think Smiley's suggestion is a good one, maybe find somewhere outside of his safe zone to meet this other child. Does he have an interest outside the home, like museums or swimming or walking that this child could be included in maybe? It could just be that he's had enough interraction at school and when he's home he just wants to chill out and do his own thing and I don't think this is 'wrong' either, it's a question of getting the balance right to some extent, allowing them to chill in their own space but not allowing them to withdraw totally from mixing with others. Sorry, that probably didn't help at all did it. ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charliesmomuk Report post Posted October 27, 2008 (edited) Hi Mel.. thanks..you are absolutely spot on..and I hadn't really thought about the amount of 'forced' interaction Charlie gets at school.. he's in a class of 10 children..all with MLD and some of them are quite loud and active ..a great bunch but much more in your face than Charlie cares for. A school he doesn't run around with the pack but usually seeks an adult to obsess at or just sits on a bench and watches the world.. (I know cos I am a TA two classrooms up!) he's not antisocial as such (he would say he has lots of friends) but he doesn't have the ability to do normal social stuff..even within his MLD peer group.. and at home he has to put up with 3 very typical teenage siblings! I think he just likes to be with his pencils at home and is finding demands made on his limited playskills a bit overwhelming..but I do like the idea if a 'set' social activity. I might try inviting the other child swimming because it's an activity Charlie can manage (ie both children are poor swimmers!) and we can call it quits after 30 mins! Thanks,, (btw are you in Oxfordshire seeing your name... I'm in Carterton...) I wish I didn't wish for more for him tho.. I adore his own delightful rainman way... Julesx Edited October 27, 2008 by charliesmomuk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jb1964 Report post Posted October 27, 2008 Hi Jules, Tony Attwood actually says on his DVD that if ASD children are attending school to some point then that is enough interaction for many and that they shouldn't be forced to interact more if they need their own space and time then afterwards. I wouldn't be worried about this at all - not when he is getting social interaction elsewhere - my daughter was pretty much the same - after being in school for 6hrs conforming and fitting in - she wanted time out in her comfort zone. It's only recently (she's 15 now) this term that she has become very socially aware and wants the whole girlfriend socialising (which of course isn't happening) and this is making her very sad. I work all day and can't imagine coming home and doing the whole social thing in the house after being in work I just want my own time, space etc with people I feel totally comfortable with. Take care, Jb Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted October 28, 2008 I wish I didn't wish for more for him tho.. Yes, I can totally empathise with this. I break my heart regularly at the school gate watching all the kids spilling out in groups chatting and laughing and just wanting it so much for my lad. It can never be like that for him, but it doesn't stop me yearning for it and I think some people who don't have ASD kids find this hard to understand. btw are you in Oxfordshire seeing your name... I'm in Carterton... Yep, I am quite close to you! Feel free to PM me if ya want. ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
