He is destroying my house!

[gigglinggoblin]

First post so hello to everyone

 

Ds is 9 and has aspergers. A month or so ago he kicked a hole in the plaster in our wall. We made him help to fix it and took his pocket money away to pay for the stuff used. Thought we had got through to him but today he has done it again! He wasnt happy at the time but wasnt in a total rage so there really is no excuse. I just dont know what to do with him. I asked him what he thought was an appropriate punishment and he suggested going to his room so obviously he doesnt get how bad this is. He is currently outside picking up leaves.

 

Any advice is gratefully received, I cant let this go but how do you make them realise?

[oxgirl]

I think what you are doing it quite right, you're showing him that there are consequences to his actions. If it were my lad I'd do the same, I'd probably find something that he really hated, in his case writing, and I'd make him sit and write out an apology or copy out of a book or something equally boring. Keep at it and maybe escalate the 'punishments' if he isn't getting the message.

 

~ Mel ~

[gigglinggoblin]

Thats what I thought, the leaves are really boring. I think he really struggles to understand there are consequences and that dh doesnt want to spend another day plastering a wall. Thank god he can, if he wasnt good at diy it would cost us hundreds of pounds. All he sees is that he has to do some work which he doesnt want to do, I really dont think he gets it. I am getting so worried about his future, he just doesnt understand why he cant destroy stuff if he feels like it.

[baddad]

Hi gigglinggoblin.

 

In simple terms, find something that does matter to him and take that way from him. If he uses a games console or a computer regularly i'd start there.

At nine, money is going to mean very little to him. He may not like parting with it, but it's a purely abstract thing... besides, it WILL be replaced at some point (unless you spend the rest of your life making sure that whatever he wants to buy is unaffordable to him by exactly the same amount you have deducted for the repairs). Fining a kid doesn't work, 'cos any money the kid has comes from you in the first place, and pester power will soon get it back in his pocket.

Sweeping leaves is a better punishment, but still lacks the personal loss (apart from time - which kids have by the bucketful).

 

[oxgirl]

All he sees is that he has to do some work which he doesnt want to do, I really dont think he gets it. I am getting so worried about his future, he just doesnt understand why he cant destroy stuff if he feels like it.

 

How about writing it out for him, or, if he hates writing, as a special bonus punishment, make him write it out himself. As I said, 'cos my lad hates writing and typing so much, I would actually make him sit and write out ten times 'because I broke the wall, I will not be allowed to ........... (whatever it is) for a week'. My lad doesn't have many toys or games he would miss, but he likes to watch telly for an hour between 4/5 and I would take that away for a week, he'd have to find something else to do and he'd be moritified. By the time he's written out the sentance a few times, maybe it would make more sense to your lad and he would make that connection.

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

I think it is a personal choice at the end of the day what punishment you give, different children, respond to different punishments, but what I would be really focusing on is identifying what causes him to kick/break the house, understanding anger, responding positively and having access to stratagies to coping with intense feelings, understanding anxiety and anger is where we started with my son and its been positive, Jay has a free standing punchbag because from all the books we have read on anger management this is recommended, we have seen a specialist in anger and he said it is absaloutly fine to have a punchbag, we use it and its a good job he has it.

 

The next stratagie we use is a calming place to go to, so a safe corner or a room if you have the space, we have a sensory room and its been hugely beneficial.

 

My son attends physiotherapy and councilling and again great to reduce the anxiety down.

 

My own opinion I dont like punishments that actually would stress J out even more, so writing when he already has a high anxiety would cause serious meltdowns, im not saying no to punishments but it has to be one that isnt counter productive.

 

I dont ban for weeks either which is again a personal reason, its not right its not wrong, but J wouldnt remember that long, he has a 24hr ban ticket and has it back again after that, other things are banned too if he repeats the behaviour, his consoles are the main thing banned.

 

J would simply refuse to pick up leaves if in a sanario where he had been reprimanded and then J would need punishing again, then Im locked in a battle of who wins and who looses. with a child who plays on control and power games I have to be selective with what I choose as a punishment.

 

I would look at the root cause of his actions, why is he getting so angry in the first place and see if you can work together on helping him respond differently to destructive behaviour.

 

The root cause Im suspecting is Anger, frustration, Anxiety. (MY OPINION)

 

JsMum

 

Edited November 9, 2008 by JsMum

[gigglinggoblin]

He kicked a hole in the wall because he was sat on the step, he was getting angry so I sent him off to calm down and he decided to kick the plaster off the wall. If he is contained he calms down faster, if I just sent him to his room it wouldnt work. Quiet space is hard to find with 4 boys running about! He does have his own room tho, that is a priority but as I said its not a small enough space for him to calm down, he just runs round it breaking stuff. Anyway had a long chat and he says its all down to the thing that annoyed him in the first place which is kind of understandable but not what I would blame, he still doesnt see breaking the wall as a particularly big problem.

 

Writing it out is a good idea but Im still not sure it would sink in, kicking a hole in the wall and getting in trouble just havent connected in his head. Because this is the second time he has done this I have banned tv for a month and he will be tidying the playroom on his own for a month. Repetition seems to be the only thing that gets it through to him, I cant remember exactly what it was last time but he did something and I banned tv for a week, everytime he asked to watch it I said no because..... and by the end he was repeating it back. Finding something he cares about is just impossible tho, I know he wont be happy about these but he wont care that much. The only thing he cares about is food and I cant stop that!

 

I know what you mean about a battle of wills. Unfortunately as soon as he does anything we are already locked in that. He was told to tidy his room this afternoon and it has so far taken about 6 hours, it could have been done in 20 minutes but he refused. I dont know why he is angry, sometimes it just happens, he gets up in that mood and it doesnt go away. No counselling in our area, believe me I have tried. I was told that as he had not tried to commit suicide he wasnt enough of a priority for help. I agree about the root causes, as it happens I got a couple of books from the library on friday about just thjis but have not had tme to look at them yet - with no tv he will have plenty of time! How do you get them to remember the punch bag? We have discussed using a pillow and a few other strategies we got from a book called the red beast but he dosnt remember til it is way too late. I also find if he starts punching things its hard to get him to stop, he just gets silly and starts on things he shouldnt be punching, how do you deal with that or does J not do not?

 

Thanks for replies btw, it helps to get other perspectives

[JsMum]

Jay has a couple of punch bags, he also has other punching equiptment too and I understand you may well not be comfortable with these stratagies.

 

I can tell when he is brewing, so I get him early, I also use sport too, cycling, running, swimming, ect.....the councilling I pay for from his DLA and also he has sensory equiptment too, like a weighted blanket, this has been the best, I was using restraint every day practically, now its rare, unless he is in imidiate danger. he also has a trampoline, but thats away as he broke his arm, he is very active and jumped too high, and broke the fall, only he broke his arm too, I dont want to put you off from trampolines because it was a god send, and when he is allowed to have it back up when the doctor says, it will be.

 

J sometimes forgets his punchbags, but that hasnt really happend either for a while, I recommend anger books that your son can do, too.

 

There is a number of Activity Anger books on the market now, Amazon.uk has a good selection, as well as Luckyduck, they do cd roms.

 

Looking at the size of the problem can help and how angry he feels, too, I do relaxation and breathing exercises and he does enjoy yoga too.

 

I think for us with having a child from around 18 months old having anger problems and has been in anger management since two/three years old and done a number of anger management courses since, we have modified it to get a better idea what works with j, he can NOT count to ten for example, this just throw him into total dispair, so we do the breathing exercises, in throw the nose at a count of five seconds, slowly, then out throw the mouth for a count of five seconds, again slowly, this gives the lungs some good new oxygen, when were stressed and angry we do short, sharp breathes and we hyperlate, thats what gets the child feeling totally out of control, so they bash, escape, run, cry, scream to get help, the breathing exercises really work but it takes practice and its very strange at first because older responces are habbits, so its breaking the habbit too.

 

Ive used personalised social stories, looked together on websites that discuss anger, and what maks kids angry, we have done loads of creative work, lately we have used emotions faces and sign, to get out what it is Jay is feeling, when frustrated its almost impossible to use verbal conversation.

 

I provide art and craft as another way of expressing his feelings, too. so painting, playdo, as well as music, piano, guitar, kareoki, singing, as its all expressive.

 

I can go on and on about Anger and Anxiety management, so you see its about reasearching it, and picking something that suits your own child and that actually works for you as a family.

 

about space, do you have a garden, even a shed would do, specially kitted out for your son, to have his own space.

 

JsMum

 

Edited November 9, 2008 by JsMum

[stressedmumto2]

My son continually broke the doors in my home and the frames where he would slam the doors or put his foot through them in a rage, he's 10 now but sometimes I would get him to help me repair them, fill the holes back in, sand them down and paint over, not as soon as he had done it cos he was still angry then, but once he had a chance to calm down and when I had calmed too. This seemed to be a good consequence for his behaviour and whilst doing it we would talk through what caused the out-burst and ways he and I could of managed things differently. If he breaks his toys he has to wait until b'day or x-mas to get a replacement, I wont go out and replace things for him. He regularly loses the use of his bike for things like coming in late from play or going somewhere he shouldn't have been but again the consequences are related to him and seem to work for him to some extent. You have to find what works for your child and it may be better starting of a list with your child as to what he can do when he is feeling angry, for example find a safe place to go, shout/scream into a pillow, write his feelings on paper, jump on trampoline etc

 

Recently I have read a book called the explosive child and it has opened up a whole new world for me, the approaches I would use before would be counter productive and sometimes I would be the reason why he would be exploding, since reading this book I am trying to change my ways and with this we are experiencing less out-bursts, you can buy a copy from e-bay/amazon.

 

Wish you lots of luck, my son used to be very aggressive and would completely destroy my home but he has got much better, he still occasionally breaks things but from what I experienced two years ago with him to now he's got better, maybe age I don't know <'> <'>

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

My son does similar. He was worse when he was younger, he's 7 now. Over the past year, I've come down much harder on him in that if he destroys something, he pays for it or it certainly means that he's going to have to wait longer for eg the toy that he wanted, etc. I genuinely believe it's sinking in. That's not to say, he doesn't go and do exactly the same thing a few hours, days, weeks or months later. The issue is about trying to get them to identify their feelings and work out a way to express themselves without being eg destructive or violent. That's the difficult bit. That's the whole bit that my son doesn't understand - he might be able to sit in consultation room with psych and say 'yes, that person's angry' when looking at pictures, but try getting him to identify that in himself. That's the bit I haven't worked out yet. In the meantime, I continue imposing sanctions eg loss of wii or ds lite for a day, etc. In addition, when he's angry, I make sure I label his feelings for him by saying 'I can see you're angry right now because ...' in the hope that it'll eventually sink in (not sure if I'm being naivve about that!).

 

NB: Book called volcano in my tummy is fairly good. I believe it's targeted at ages 7 - 10 or thereabouts.

 

Caroline.

Edited November 9, 2008 by cmuir

[gigglinggoblin]

Jsmum you have given me loads to work on, thank you. Volcano in my tummy is one of the books I got so am glad it recommended. Will also have a look for the explosive child book, it cant do any harm. We dont get DLA yet, people have been telling me to apply for ages so have just done it, private counselling is something I will look for but I know a friend of mine had major trouble finding anyone in our area.

 

I never replace toys he has broken of his own, in the past when he has broken someone elses toy I have made him replace it with one of his own but then he just focuses on how bad he feels, its the understanding of other people he really struggles with. Its true they can identify emotions on a piece of paper but he cant tell when he is feeling it himself, it means nothing to him.

 

He helped repair the wall last time, had a major tantrum because he was asked to clean a bucket and dh would rather not go through it again! Its easier if we find something else. Have talked a lot, he says he didnt want to upset us and he doesnt know why he did it. Problem is he is almost 10 and is big for his age, if he does it to someone else property we are going to have the police round. I am a bit nervous about punch bags because he is violent and is having major trouble at school lunchtimes with lashing out, I dont know if he will separate using a punch bag and hitting people. I guess it might be worth a try, it can hardly make things worse.

 

Thanks so much everyone, there is loads for me to go on here.

[joybed]

I have just ordered a copy of the explosivechild as Marcus has violent tantrums but these tend to be more verbal which really upset my quiet sensitive daughter. the real reason i bought it though was for Piers who is a very violent little boy at times and gets so frustrated. The book was recommended on the PDA site that i have just joined as Piers fits the criteria for this very well. Will let you know what i think to the book.