More School Problems

[av16]

Son (11-AS) is heading for another exclusion, this time for being violent -same as last. I don't approve of violence of any sort and we've worked really hard to try and get this through to him. Unfortunately there is another side to his actions which the school haven't looked at - why he did these things. I know him well and he lashes out when he feels provoked- to others it may be silly but to him it's something that really winds him up. The first incident he confessed to, the boy he was involved in an incident earlier this month which lead to exclusion, made reference to him being 'special', so he decided to sort him out on the way home. DS confessed to TA who then asked the boy (who had not reported it). THis was early last week. Then he slapped a girl in class. I was really angry with him about this and he was really told off. I asked him why, he said a boy told him to do it so he could film in on his phone.

DS has a really good friend who he knew at primary, I spoke to his mum and she told me she is willing to go to the school to tell them what has been going on. Apparently the boy involved in the first exclusion has been giving him problems since October, DS is always being egged on to do things by others who think it's funny and her son tells her about all the incidents daily. DS tells me nothing and it was only when really pushed he told me that someone told him to slap the girl. He thinks they are his friends and he's so desperate to please them he seems to do what ever they say.

 

The final part which is so annoying is that the school have told me and him that he is a bully

 

On the face of it he is and I'm at a loss as to help him realise what's going on.

This is a ramble I'm afraid but I don't know what to do - if we move him to another school there will probably be another set of problems

[cmuir]

Hi

 

It sounds like you've done your best in trying to get it through to your son that it's not acceptable for him to lash out. Equally, the school must do the same, but as you say, they need to assess why it's happening. Having AS isn't an excuse, but rather than your son being the bully, it rather sounds like the other boy is the bully - he's the one manipulating your son for his own entertainment. Sadly, your son doesn't realise what's going on (this is where the AS bit comes in - socialising apprpriately with others). Clearly, there's two sides to every story and the school have a duty to listen - thankfully another parent will vouch for what's their son has witnessed. The school have a duty of care to all pupils in their school, which includes your son. They should be supporting him at difficult times ie unstructured periods eg break/lunchtime. I'd be inclined to arrange an appointment with the head and state that whilst you don't excuse your son's actions, the aforementioned must be taken into account.

 

It's so hard isn't it? Keep your chin and hopefully things will sort themselves out.

 

Regards

 

Caroline.

[Suze]

Have you suggested to your son that he writes a letter of apology to the girl he slapped?...........he needs to understand the repercussions of his actions against others and how it makes them feel.

[Enid]

Hi, These sort of incidents used to happen daily before my son got excluded in y6, it was a nightmare, with hindsight I would have got him out of mainstream earlier and jumped before he was pushed, He is in an EBD school now, not ideal, but am working on that! They "unpick" all these incidents, would NEVER call your son a bully, and generally dont make you feel like you have sent your child to school JUST to ruin their day Enid

[MurphySG]

Hi - I am on the facebook site - have said before, I am also in East London - might be useful to swop information on which boroughs we are in - my son is yr 9. Have a look at the wall - message me if you want.

[pookie170]

Hey there, just wanted to post and say that you're not alone- my lad was excluded this week for assaulting staff, and it came about for similar reasons, mainly that he's been unable to express his frustration and outrage appropriately. I support the school in that he can't continue to react in this way, but at the same time, I want to get to the bottom of things......

I actually fear that his Deputy Head may have reached the end of her tether with him, but we've got another joyous meeting on Monday to try and sort things out.......

 

I'm afraid I've got no advice other than what cmuir has already said. Ensure the school know you are willing to work with them on this but stick to your guns- it's not fair to expect your son to put up with behind-the-scenes bullying and not react.

 

Best of luck,

 

Esther x

[aliwoo]

i am in the same boat with my son at the moment. he is nearly 7 and since christmas has been very violent and having a fair few tantrums! he gave a teacher serious concussion a couple of weeks ago during one of his rages. he also gets told to do things that are inappropriate by another boy, told the teachers and they are keeping an eye on it so at least they dont blame him for it.

[josie h]

Guess what - I know how you feel!!! My son has been excluded so many times. He has been put on half days and school have now decided that they are not meeting his needs so are waiting for LA to get their finger out and find a suitable school for him. The exclusions have all been for simialr reasons - usually resulting in somebody winding C up, pushing the right buttons, him getting frustrated and eventually lashing out. Mixed messages and inconsistency from teachers hasn't helped. His last exclusion was a result of him walking out of the isolation room and sitting in the corridor outside the head of music's office. When I spoke to him about it he told me that the day before the head of music had tol him that if he had any problems - to go to her office, so thats what he did! However, many of the exclusions have not been put in writing, so are no formal exclusions!

 

The number of times I have been told that C's behaviuor is not as a result of his asd is amazing. I also agree that violent behaviuor needs to be dealt with, but when it is the same group of children involved every time, surely they must realise that there is a link. They don't seem to understand that many little things that most children can forget about, just keep mounting up until they finally explode!!

 

Not sure what the answer is, but I guess many more people still need educating about asd and the effects it has on our childrens lives!

[call me jaded]

You could have a look at the school Bullying Policy (or Behaviour policy) to find out if they are doing all they should.

 

Maybe follow this up too, especially if it's on film:

 

DS has a really good friend who he knew at primary, I spoke to his mum and she told me she is willing to go to the school to tell them what has been going on. Apparently the boy involved in the first exclusion has been giving him problems since October, DS is always being egged on to do things by others who think it's funny and her son tells her about all the incidents daily.

[av16]

Message left today to say he's excluded for 3 days - for bullying with physical violence. No mention of the email I sent with all the information I put in my opening post - no response at all.

 

I'm really mad about it- the phone will be red hot tomorrow, especially as I called today at least 3 times and couldn't get anyone to speak to me ...grrrr.

 

Thanks for your support

[Karen A]

Message left today to say he's excluded for 3 days - for bullying with physical violence. No mention of the email I sent with all the information I put in my opening post - no response at all.

 

I'm really mad about it- the phone will be red hot tomorrow, especially as I called today at least 3 times and couldn't get anyone to speak to me ...grrrr.

 

Thanks for your support

 

<'> I had hoped that since the school was closed on Monday and Tuesday due to the weather they might count them towards the exclusion and drop the matter.Apparently not. Karen.