Help, I'm going mad....!!

[mariag]

Hi All

 

I'm new to this forum, let me tell you a bit about my family, i have 3 children aged 12, 10 & 6. '2 boys and a girl' girl in the middle....My husband and i found out about a year ago that our youngest son age 5 at the time was on the spectrum and we have struggled to cope with this but more recently we have found out that our daughter is also on the spectrum, at her assesment we were asked if we had any concerns about our eldest son and we said yes but felt that we were unable to cope with another diagnosis but now we are not sure what to do as he is really struggling, he is extremely angry all the time and we do not know what the best course is to take, any ideas?

 

So basicly it's mad in our house, there is not even one moment's peace. If it's not one it's the other, i am finding myself being a constant referee and trying to stop possible disasters, which is getting very exhausting. Recently i was having chest pains and had to go to A&E, i found out that i am suffering from stress and need to see a counsellor, this is one of the reasons why i decided to join this group, so i could talk through my problems. My main issues at the moment are how to help my autistic children get along with each other, i have tried various times to search the web for help on this and cannot find anything.... does anybody know of any sites and is anyone else struggling as i am to just keep the peace between thier children, let alone deal with all the other issues that come along with a diagnosis of autism.

 

Just one more thing that's bothering me, my daughter suffers from very low self esteem and has no confidence. She has today been offered a place by a Dramatherapy group that will be coming to her school and because of her serious lack of confidence she has refused to take part, this therapy group will be brilliant for her, if only she will give it a go. Her head teacher is going to introduce her to the person doing the course and let her sit in on a session in the hope that she will join in, but even after me telling her all these thing she is still refusing to do it. This behaviour is not unsual by the way as when she had her appiontment for diagnosis and her speech and langugage appointment she did not say a word. So she really has major issues with confidence. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

Anyway thanks for listening to me rave on.. i know you all understand....!!!

 

Maria

[mom]

Hye and welcome

 

This forum is great for support and answers.. sorry i havent any suggestions but I couldnt just read and run but im sure there will be lots to follow... just wanted to say I have 3 special needs kids (as i call them) 16 adhd 6 aspergers and almost 5 asd and lots of other things lol find it hard to get them all calm to and realy live in a crazy house spend most of time shouting over the top of them so I will be watching closely for suggestions, on the subject of a possible diagnosis of you're other son, I said the same about my 6 year old we didnt want him diagnoised as we felt we couldn't cope with it, when he started to have problems at school we realised we weren't being fair to him but at that stage we were ready to face it and went through the diagnostic process! Do you get any help at home?

 

Love Sharon xx

[mariag]

Hye and welcome

 

This forum is great for support and answers.. sorry i havent any suggestions but I couldnt just read and run but im sure there will be lots to follow... just wanted to say I have 3 special needs kids (as i call them) 16 adhd 6 aspergers and almost 5 asd and lots of other things lol find it hard to get them all calm to and realy live in a crazy house spend most of time shouting over the top of them so I will be watching closely for suggestions, on the subject of a possible diagnosis of you're other son, I said the same about my 6 year old we didnt want him diagnoised as we felt we couldn't cope with it, when he started to have problems at school we realised we weren't being fair to him but at that stage we were ready to face it and went through the diagnostic process! Do you get any help at home?

 

Love Sharon xx

 

 

Hi thanks Sharon,

 

Glad you understand where i am coming form! My husband is very good we do everything together, we rarely get help from friends and family though but when we really need someone we only have to ask so that's great. We prefer to just have our own immediate family around as then there is no pressure on us. We don't get respite, i havn't asked for it! I am really looking forward to the responses too, hopefully there will be some great ideas.

 

Take Care

Maria x

[jordansmum33ok]

Hi Maria,

welcome to the forum..

well cant say im an expert but having to keep the peace and be referr i can relate too

 

i keep them apart as much as posible except for meal times.. when they tend to call each other names.. but i just repeat no.. thats not nice.

Both have a computer in there rooms one is out alot , im talking daughter no diagnosis age13.. the other ishome boy..12 with aspergers..

we watch tv together but normally im always there with them.. if left alone they fight big time

if one is naughty i send them to there room.. they can go on there computer..watch tv.. shout scream swear.. but they are not allowed to join family until i say.. normally at least 30mins.

 

im on my own so i have to be ultra strict.. i do take time out and my oldest daughter 17 watches them.. my son is scared stiff when she gets mad..

last time he booted her door he was runnin around shouting sorry and cleaned his room! which really meant completly empted it.. ie all clothes clean dirty shoved in kitchen.. but hey..

cant use word babysitter as my son shouts.. im not a baby!

 

please think about respite , i am.. will benefit you and them also

 

dont stress over the little things is my motto..

 

 

 

 

[jordansmum33ok]

also find strict routine, no sudden surprises.. or guests can help

and if house volume is loud.. as i know too well as do my neighbours.. i turn tv down a bit more.. little thing but makes a difference

[NickyB]

hello mariag and welcome

 

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I'm sure there are many others here who know exactly what you're going through. I have two children, the youngest is 6 and has ASD. Hubby and I find it extremely tough sometimes, and my hubby's health has been suffering lately. He has had chest pains, and has had loads of tests. They can find no physical reason for it, so the likelihood is it is caused by stress. He's had lots of problems at work, too, and has now decided to take a demotion to reduce his anxiety. Not an easy decision, but definitely the right one.

 

Is there anyone who can help you (family or friends?) and give you a break? Are there any support groups locally - it's always good to talk it through with someone who understands.

 

Take care and have some of these <'> <'> <'>

 

Nicky x

 

[purplehaze]

Hello welcome to the site

 

I have 2 children one (daughter-18) with mild ASD traits but copes and who is mostly an angel!!

 

And my son ASD who is 15 in mainstream school with a statement

 

I can relate to this

 

because of her serious lack of confidence she has refused to take part, this therapy group will be brilliant for her, if only she will give it a go. Her head teacher is going to introduce her to the person doing the course and let her sit in on a session in the hope that she will join in, but even after me telling her all these thing she is still refusing to do it. This behaviour is not unsual by the way as when she had her appiontment for diagnosis and her speech and langugage appointment she did not say a word. So she really has major issues with confidence

 

It's so hard my son started going to a special school for one lesson and for a couple of months he just sat in the reception but now he in joining in with the class as long as no one speaks to him

 

I recommend small slow steps, always telling (use pictures/visuals)-maybe you could make a little photo book/social story of what is going to happen who is going to be there, how long/what your daughter is expected to do etc.

 

As with siblings I also have problems with this but my daughter is very wary of my son-I use visual punishments/rewards so he knows what he should or shouldn't do etc. It's very hard as even at 15 he just can't understand consequences but I still punish him if he deserves it. I find it very difficult and can't really leave them in the same room-my daughter usually leaves a room with me.

 

Think about exactly what behaviour you would like to change eg-if you would like them to talk nicely try social stories or if it's turn taking while playing try using a visual card/photo of who's turn it is etc. Reward behaviour you want!!!! Try and ignore behaviour that you don't want as much as possible.

 

It probably will help if you can just sort one problem at a time so think of one thing and let us know-we may be able to help.

 

Good luck xxx

[Tally]

Hi Maria, and welcome to the forum.

 

If your daughter is suffering from social anxiety, the idea of performing in front of other people may be terrifying to her. Having her sit in on a session may allay her fears, depending what is expected from the participants. But this might not be the best kind of treatment, depending what her specific confidence issues are.

[Mandapanda]

Hi Maria

 

Not having a diagnosis doesn't make it go away (as you obviously realise now!).

 

My boys used to get on really well, play Pokemon together and other stuff, but when my youngest was very depressed and stressed we had a very long period when he was really nasty to his brother. He would say it would be better if Mj was dead, that he wanted to kill him, etc. Mj found this very distressing and was understandably rude back. Now that Aw's mood has improved they are getting on much better, and even when they have an argument it is not the end of their communicating for ages as it would have been at one time. Aw's depressed mood had a huge impact on his relationship with his brother and it is really good to see it improving now.

 

Aw is 12 and also has severe anxiety and very low self-esteem. Does your daughter's school run social skills groups? Aw enjoyed doing these at his school as it was with a small group of boys his age. Her hormones may be starting to kick in now. You may need to make sure she's getting enough support to help with the transition to secondary school when the time comes. My son was looking forward to going to secondary school but after half a term he started not wanting to go. He is a quiet child who tries not to draw attention to himself, so he was not 'picked up' as having problems.

 

All children go through phases and change as they grow up. I used to find that just when I couldn't cope anymore and would go to the doctor's to try and get help, things would change anyway. Hope things settle down for you.

 

<'> <'> <'>

[mariag]

Hi Jordan's mum

 

Thanks so much for this advice i have been thinking about getting computers in thier rooms for a while now as i really do think it is a good idea we have been sharing one, on a trial basis and it does make home life a bit more managable and slighty less noisey, thanks for your help, i will let you know what happens when we have it in place for a while...!!

 

"Quote"

i keep them apart as much as posible except for meal times.. when they tend to call each other names.. but i just repeat no.. thats not nice.

Both have a computer in there rooms one is out alot , im talking daughter no diagnosis age13.. the other ishome boy..12 with aspergers..

we watch tv together but normally im always there with them.. if left alone they fight big time

if one is naughty i send them to there room.. they can go on there computer..watch tv.. shout scream swear.. but they are not allowed to join family until i say.. normally at least 30mins.

 

 

 

[mariag]

also find strict routine, no sudden surprises.. or guests can help

and if house volume is loud.. as i know too well as do my neighbours.. i turn tv down a bit more.. little thing but makes a difference

 

Hi again

 

I've tried this too simple thing yes, but it does make a big diference, i have actually been turning it off altogether, thanks again x

[mariag]

Hubby and I find it extremely tough sometimes, and my hubby's health has been suffering lately. He has had chest pains, and has had loads of tests. They can find no physical reason for it, so the likelihood is it is caused by stress. He's had lots of problems at work, too, and has now decided to take a demotion to reduce his anxiety. Not an easy decision, but definitely the right one.

 

 

Hi Nicky,

 

Just read that you are leaving sorry to hear that, i hope you and your husband will be ok as it is very difficult to cope alone, especially as it's affecting his health. I hope that you can both find ways of destressing. At the moment my husband and i are attending a support group at camhs which is helping alot, there is so much to learn. We are very serious about learning about Asd that we have applied for a university course which we will do from home only 3 hours a week. It really going to benefit us so much, the course is designed to help us to really empathise with our children and gain deeper understanding of thier needs. We will find out during the summer if we have been accepted. The more you know about Autism, the better you can handle it, so keep looking in on this forum but just be anomous if you prefer. Thanks for your advice. Maria x

[mariag]

Hi purplehaze,

 

Thanks for your advice i do agree with you i am probably overwhelming myself with all the problems that are concerning me, i have always been told to choose my battles and really think hard about what i want to deal with but sometimes i get carried away with my own thoughts which to tell you the truth are quite frightening really, so rather than worry about what hasn't happened i need to deal with the hear and now. So i have taken this advice for my eldest son in particular

 

Think about exactly what behaviour you would like to change eg-if you would like them to talk nicely try social stories or if it's turn taking while playing try using a visual card/photo of who's turn it is etc. Reward behaviour you want!!!! Try and ignore behaviour that you don't want as much as possible.

 

My daughters issues with confideence will take a long while to conquer, but when i think about what she used to be like she has achieved alot already so definately small steps for her. Thanks again Maria x

[mariag]

Hi Maria, and welcome to the forum.

 

If your daughter is suffering from social anxiety, the idea of performing in front of other people may be terrifying to her. Having her sit in on a session may allay her fears, depending what is expected from the participants. But this might not be the best kind of treatment, depending what her specific confidence issues are.

 

Hi Tally

Thanks for this advice i am not sure exactly what it is that causes her to feel so low and not think much of herself, what's quite telling is that she is 'and i don't mind saying myself' a very beautiful girl, however she does not see it. so her confidence levels run deep, it's not just about outside issues and what people think of her, it's more about what she thinks of herself. This is why i think the drama therapy would help her. She is the kind of person that if she makes a mistake then it's the end of the world....so everything must be straight

Edited April 30, 2009 by mariag

[Kazzen161]

She is the kind of person that if she makes a mistake then it's the end of the world....

 

Make sure you point out when you make mistakes (make some deliberately if necessary!), so she gets used to the idea that everyone makes mistakes, that it is OK, and that making mistakes is how we learn.

 

As mother to a son whose acceptance that is was Ok to Typex something out was a major achievement, I sympathise.

 

[mariag]

My boys used to get on really well, play Pokemon together and other stuff, but when my youngest was very depressed and stressed we had a very long period when he was really nasty to his brother. He would say it would be better if Mj was dead, that he wanted to kill him, etc. Mj found this very distressing and was understandably rude back. Now that Aw's mood has improved they are getting on much better, and even when they have an argument it is not the end of their communicating for ages as it would have been at one time. Aw's depressed mood had a huge impact on his relationship with his brother and it is really good to see it improving now.

 

All children go through phases and change as they grow up. I used to find that just when I couldn't cope anymore and would go to the doctor's to try and get help, things would change anyway. Hope things settle down for you.

 

Thanks so much for your advice i can really relate to everything you have mentioned above, thanks for sharing it with me. My house is just the same everyone blaming each other for everything and saying the exact same things about thier youngest brother ruining thier lives. This is very hard to emotionally cope with as i constantly feel like i could do more to make things easier on them all.... but short of being a superwoman, i just dont think that it is humanly possible. I am so gald to hear of your success because i have been thinking that it will always be like this, but now i have hope, thanks

 

I also think that my eldest is struggling with high school this probably has alot to do with his anger issues. All my children are in mainsteam and they are coping very well, they would not like it at all being in a special school, however i will have to wait and see how my daughter copes in the enviroment of high school, she had in the past got to the stage where she refused to attend school and asked me to home tutor her, but she is a little better in this regard. Thanks again Maria x

[jordansmum33ok]

Thanks so much for your advice i can really relate to everything you have mentioned above, thanks for sharing it with me. My house is just the same everyone blaming each other for everything and saying the exact same things about thier youngest brother ruining thier lives. This is very hard to emotionally cope with as i constantly feel like i could do more to make things easier on them all.... but short of being a superwoman, i just dont think that it is humanly possible. I am so gald to hear of your success because i have been thinking that it will always be like this, but now i have hope, thanks

 

I also think that my eldest is struggling with high school this probably has alot to do with his anger issues. All my children are in mainsteam and they are coping very well, they would not like it at all being in a special school, however i will have to wait and see how my daughter copes in the enviroment of high school, she had in the past got to the stage where she refused to attend school and asked me to home tutor her, but she is a little better in this regard. Thanks again Maria x

 

hi maria,

your house is just the same as mine lol

i just have laid back attitude as much as sanely possible..

make sure you get some time out.. me time

and i can relate , i get why can he stay up later?.. no school for him..

its tough explaining it to the other children but i try an make sure somehow they all get alone time with me even if its at 3am

 

if they have really bad anger issues sometimes school have counsellor.. so maybe look into that

hope things get better for you x