Absolutely Positively FURIOUS

[skye]

I am so angry, I didn't know where else to turn. Yesterday at the parents workshop day at school all of the parents in the room were discussing a child in my daughters class and how to get to her birthday party. I was thinking "We never received an invitation!" Then someone said to the mother "How many did you invite?" She said that they have invited about 20-22 kids. There are 24 kids in the class. I can assure you the other child that was not invited was probably a little boy with ADHD. Now DD has not been invited to the majority of the parties this year so that is not the main issue, although it does suck. The little girl (the leader of the pink princesses) keeps coming up and telling DD that she isn't invited to her birthday party. This morning Lib said "I think (child) did not invite me because she doen't like me." She was sobbing and feeling really down about it. I didn't know what to say and got really teary-eyed. I told her not to bother about it, but the poor thing was begging not to go into school today. I let her stay off. Mostly because I am not completely and totally fed up. I am about to explode!!! I am so sick of the injustice. I hate NT's even though I technically am one. I hate the way the majority of the people in the world are so self righteous. I can't stand the way people are in general. I have always been on outskirts of society. When I was young I was teased and never ever fit in and as a teenager and an adult I pushed myself to the outskirts and did not fit in on purpose. I think they are boring non-imaginative morons up at school who can't handle anyone a little different because it doesn't fit into their tracksuit, gold ring ideal of how the world works. I am about to start a one woman revolution! I read a lot on here and other sites that I go on and even parents and so called experts are preaching from the same book. "She is going to have to fit in at some stage." WHY DOES SHE? Why is that everyones ultimate agenda? Sure she needs to be able to function in society to an extent, but do I really want her to be like everybody else? It's "everybody else" that I am having to fight against to make them treat my daughter with understanding and respect. It is "everybody else" who has the freakin problem as far as I am concerned. I might not be making much sense at the moment because I am really upset but I am totally fed up with this whole thing. ARGH

Edited May 8, 2009 by skye

[Karen A]

<'> <'> <'> Hi.I think you are making sense.It is very upsetting.

 

I have been wondering about similar issues myself with Ben.He has decided in the last couple of weeks to give up using his alphasmart in class.He says he does not want to be the bright geeky kid in the class any more.He is having very little support as far as I can gather because he says he can manage and does not want any because he does not want to be different.He had a difficult afternoon yesterday but raved at me when I suggested I might have a talk with his very supportive teacher.He wants to manage things himself.

I do not know what to do.Half of me says that I need to let Ben get on with things because he needs to find his own way.The other half knows that he will not fit in because he does not fit into the standard mould and does not want to see him get hurt.

The reality is that Ben is never going to be like everyone else...whatever that is.When I do attempt to intervene most people including many of my friends appear to think I am being overprotective because of my own issues. Karen.

[zaman]

You're right - it sucks.

 

It might be worth a word with the teacher or Senco about how this behaviour is impacting on your child. If you can't affect the parents, maybe the pink princesses can be made to learn a little empathy through PSHE or whatever it is called.

 

Didn't Bill Gates say something like be kind to the geeks at school becuase one day they will be your boss?

 

Z

[lbj]

This is the worst time ever for kids who don't fit-in easily. I have 2+2 kids (the two older ones are in their early 20s now). When the top two were little, about one third to a half of the children in their class would have a party or a trip with friends for their birthday. Usually they would invite three to maybe 15 of their best friends so those excluded wouldn't feel so singled out. Now it seems practically everyone has a party and they invite near to all the class so it's horrible on any child left out - I wouldn't have the gall to do it but it seems that many do. Maybe a bit of credit crunching will scale their parties back

 

I was never popular and I've learned to celebrate that fact but I have to try and think back and realise that outsider status rarely appeals to under 12s!

 

janine

[lisac]

Skye, try and ignore it all as best as you can. Just focus on doing positive things with your daughter and f*** the rest of them. They probably arent the kinds of people you'd want anything to do with anyway, so see it as a blessing, who'd want to be amongst that anyway! , x

[Tally]

Can you plan something nice to do with your daughter on the day of the party? It doesn't have to be anything grand, you could just make a cake or something. It would give her something nice to look forward to when the other children are talking about the party at least.

[Suze]

Your little one is only 5 , so being singled out by the party girl and told your not invited would have really hurt I,m sure.I,d be honest and tell her teacher that she was,nt in school because she was so upset etc.Maybe the teacher could have a word with the other little girl about it.IIf she does,nt learn now that what she did was insensitive than chances are she,ll turn out like her mum

[dana]

<'> >< <'>

I know what you mean,Sky. I agree with you.

 

Danaxxx

Edited May 8, 2009 by dana

[Emma_74]

I think alot of us are in the same sort of position - where our children don't get invited to parties,

you're not on your own in this one

 

Emma

[frogslegs]

This is very heartbreaking. We have been through the same with my son who was always left out. It was difficult and although I don't want him to be like everyone else, in an ideal world, I'd have liked him to be accepted (who does not want that for their child, let's get real here). It was particularly bad when he was in key stage 1, so up to age 7. By the end of year 2 was the worst for him when he was self-harming as a consequence of being ostracised. I was in conflict with a whole set of parents because I would confront them. It was creating really bad feelings.

Then, thanks to the superb headmaster, he had help at school with a counsellor who did a lot of work on self-esteem and got him to like himself for who he is. Then he made two or three friends in the school who are also SEN and they support each other. For birthdays they go to each other's house, watch a film, eat a pizza or go swimming. I can reassure you that in my experience things do get better because the whole class party business seems to have disappeared completely at school at Key stage 2 as little groups of friends emerge and there is less pressure on everyone. It is not the children who are the problem, it is the parents who are narrowminded and cruel. Anybody with a minimum generosity would realise what they are doing. There they are looking to pick the right children for little Tallulah to play with, you know, selected playmates.

One thing I have come to accept is that I am not going to change those parents and their children and instead of letting them make me angry and make my child miserable, I have decided that they are not worth my sadness or anything. I completely ignore them and I concentrate on the cherished few that I trust and life is much much better. So I have stopped wanting my child to conform because he can't and it is a worthless effort. My son picks his reactions from my behaviour, so if you react badly to a situation, you daughter might react accordingly (what do you think?)

However upsetting this is, you cannot let it destroy you and your child. Your child is lovely and different and you need to look for the other lovely different children and parents that nobody picks (believe me you are not the only one, maybe not in that class but look around) and try to build a friendship for your child. This is what I did because I had noticed another boy in the class who had no friends either and I looked for his mum and realised that she was not one of those supercool mothers but someone a bit more discreet. Since then we have developed a nice system where he comes every monday evening to play and my son goes to him every friday. From then on both of them built a strong friendship and forgot about the cool kids. I think my son has learnt the hard way about true friendship and what is important and what isn't. Also it has made us a closer family. Good luck <'> <'> <'>

[hamish]

Sorry to hear that your daughter is upset. I'm sure everyone here empathises with the the difficulties parties (or lack of them) present. My son has been invited to a few parties over the years (not as many as his siblings though) I have tended to arrive late and leave early in order to minimise the potential for difficult behaviour, I suppose partly so other parents don't judge him as much.

 

Hopefully as she gets older she will form friendships with children that are more accepting and she will at least go to their parties. I think it is very cruel of that parent to invite 22 out of 24 children, half that number could have been explained away due to cost or close friendships. I really feel for your child (and the other child).

 

Sx

[skye]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to write. I completely appreciate what everyone said. I do know that my reaction to the situation could rub off onto Lib, that's why I am one of those chipper make a joke about the silly old party in front of her and having a crusade behind her back. I don't want her to know that it gets to me. I am trying desperately to help her and not to make her feel like there is anything different or wrong. I am sure she feels that she is different anyway. In fact I know she does because when she was talking about today at school, she said she gets to go in the "dippy" box (which is a great idea from the SENco to encourage Lib to do good at assembly etc, at the end of the week Lib gets to choose a cheap toy out of a bag if she got 3 stickers in the week). I said see if you stay home you will miss the dippy box. She said. I am the only one who gets the dippy box and I really don't think it is fair to the other children. She is also the only one with a tangle toy too... and leg braces and crossed eyes and a total disregard for following any social rules whatsoever. So. Where do I go from here? Special school? Home school? I am at a loss. I know for a fact that she will never fit and spend her life not fitting. I don't think I can put her through it. When I was a child I would have given anything to be taken out of the hell that was school. A friend of mine who was just here said exactly the same. All of her memories from school were negative ones. She is in her late twenties and nearly started crying just talking about it. I realize Lib needs positive friendships and everything. Does this have to be some forced thing between her and some other poor kid? Can't we make friends at the special education needs play days and at the NAS get togethers? The neighbour kids come over once a week. We go to museums and Eureka and parks and the like at weekends. She is not rushing out to hang out with any of the kids there because in all actuality she doesn't like other kids. I am at total loggerheads with myself. I want to do what's right. I don't want to wrap her in cotton wool. I know that she must learn that there are reactions to her behaviour and that sometimes things like not being invited somewhere or picked for a game or whatever may just be those reactions to her past behaviour. I don't know if I have the patience to home school. I do like having a few hours of me time but maybe that is just selfish of me. It is not forever. I will have to think this one out! Probably go post something in the education section to find peoples experiences with home schooling? Thanks again for everyones support. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Hamish, I am in West Yorkshire too. NAS are doing a playday in Calderdale tomorrow if you are interested.

[connieruff]

Hi,

Yep can really sympathise here! Some parents are frightening. But having said that, really think about this, would your daughter actually enjoy the party?

I actually withdrew from the other parents when I was at my lowest, and to be honest I was sometimes glad to be on the outside, they are very competitive, bitchy, backbiting with a few are not talking to another few, with two or three opposing 'gangs' in their little huddles.

If you think your daughter is unhappy - have you ever watched her in the playground, when she doesnt know you are there? See if she is playing with anyone, if she is enjoying herself.

I contemplated home education, and joined a group which met up in my area, they seemed a jolly bunch, and arranged days out and educational trips ect. I was told to think about it long and hard, keep a diary, if you still think like this in say 6 months time, then maybe it would work for you and your daughter.

I get upset when my son is the only one not invited, even when I invite the whole class, he doesn't get invited back. What can you do? Just make sure that you do something really good on the day of the party, give her a real treat. Ask her what she really wants to do. Pony riding?

She would probably enjoy something like that than go to a party.

Some parents are monsters. I despair of the human race sometimes, I love that quote from Bill gates - I'll remember that one.

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think a lot of this type of blatant exclusion is down to ignorance/lack of understanding. My son is 7 and has significant behavioural issues (he has AS) and we've experienced the same kind of issues. It's incredibly hurtful. It's very difficult to remain calm and positive, but it might help to perhaps organise a night out. I organisd a mum's night out. Only 6 out of 22 turned up, but that was enough. We went for a meal and I used the opportunity to convey that I'm not a bad parent, nor is my child evil. He has a disorder and can having difficulty coping. I think that was a bit of a turning point and I believe that I perhaps gained some respect from some other parents as well as a better understanding of Rs disorder. In honesty I believe in those situations that the school is powerless, however, one route I was planning to go down was to get some leaflets from NAS and pop them into envelopes marked FAO parents along with a covering letter stating that I understood their concerns about their children mixing with R, whilst at the same time urging them to be tolerant. I also make a point of inviting different kids to the house to play with R fairly regularly (sadly, most don't even extend me the courtesy of responding, but one or two do). I must also confess that anytime parents did allow their child to play with Robert, it was generally because I was taking them somewhere that I was paying for (and that hurts too!). I ensure it's for relatively short periods of time and also extend the invitation to the parent/s. Might be worth finding out if there are any other families locally in the same situation. You could contact NAS. It makes a big difference to meet others in the same situation, where you gain automatic acceptance. Sadly, I think a lot of people are unable to put themselves in our shoes, particularly if the child has behavioural difficulties. It's so heartbreaking. It's particularly difficult when you have a child that wants to be sociable. I think that kids are much more accepting and resilient than us adults and I think we hurt more than they do in these types of situations. Can't offer any other advice, but wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this.

 

Caroline.

[baddad]

Hi Skye - (hey - I'm a poet and don't know it!)

It is horrible, I know, and there isn't any 'advice' really - just you have to get through it and it can get better

For my son, I found the worst few years started at around five (sorry, not what you want to hear, I know, but hopefully some of what follows will make up for that) and lasted until about eight...

What tends to happen is that before that the kids just 'get on with it' and then at around five or six they start to acquire some of their parent's prejudices. By the time they get to about eight/nine, they are starting to question some of that 'received wisdom' and the ones that are going to come good start to do so. That's when one or two good, solid friendships will hopefully start to emerge, and a couple of good ones are worth all of the other 20 or so put together

Parties are difficult - I too gave up on the idea of Ben ever having 'equal dibs', and went for small but brilliant parties over bigger ones. A really good day out for 4 - 6 costs the same as a not so good one for 20+, so just consider it 'more for your bucks'.

As far as being different goes it's just a matter of letting her now that 'different' doesn't mean 'worse' (or 'better', come to that) it just means different - and that's fantastic even if it's sometimes hard. Point out that when she watches x-factor, or skating on ice or anything at all really the judges are all looking for something 'different'. Also point out that fitting in is for her benefit, and makes things easier in some ways. She doesn't have to not be her - she just sometimes has to not quite be her, and that makes some aspects of her life easier and better. Everybody has to do it, but she might have to do it a bit more than some and a bit less than others. No biggy, even if it's a pain in the bum sometimes

One thing I would suggest: if you can, find something outside of school she can do as an organised group activity (sports like judo etc are good, or scouts etc - but it's important to find a group with a good leader). If kids in that group have respect for the instructor, and the instructor shows through his/her attitiude that he/she respects and likes your child it can make a huge difference. If you think back to when you were a kid, most adults really didn't figure in your life at all after mum and dad, and with M&D it was a bit of a love hate thing. The thoughts and opinions of the 1 or 2 adults that were significant to you probably stayed with you forever. So find a group with the kind of adult leader who makes kids feel that way, and he/she can make a big difference to how that group perceives your littlun

Hope that's useful in some way

 

L&P

 

BD

[frogslegs]

Is your daughter miserable at school all the time or only because she has not been invited to the party? If it is all the time then you need to reassess what is going on. How about having a talk with Head? We were in that position, thinking home education, a different school...we were so fed up with all the on-going school issues and when instead of moaning all the time at home (this is not being judgmental, this is really what was going on) we made an appointment with Head and discussed calmly and factually our son's situation things got better and we put a plan together. This has included the counselling that we were talking about, friendship circles, being given small responsabilities...

I remember blaming the whole world for what was going on, about how unfair situation was but really, really, one cannot change the world, the parents, well they are nasty and as Connieruff says 'competitive, bitchy....' so it is your attitude/outlook and your child's attitude/outlook which needs to change. I don't want to sound preachy or condescending, patronising.....but what happened to me meant that I ended up suffering from severe depression for a couple of years as not only my child was ostracised but so was I and it is only when I accepted that for my son 'inclusion' was not possible and that we had to do things differently that things got better. He no longer hates school, he is comfortable and all the self-harming has disappeared. Had we changed school when things were really bad, I suspect that his behaviour problems would have simply transferred to the new school. The fact of looking at him and to try to help him calm down made him less anxious about being with other children and things got gradually better.

[skye]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. My exact point about my daughter not fitting in with mainstream education continues to get proved again and again. It seems even the parents who are trying to make good points for inclusion always seem to let a bit out about how hard it has been and really solidifying my beliefs that shoving my brilliantly wonderful, differently thinking square peg into a non-accepting, judgemental round hole will not work and is still not the answer. There are things such as ASD units in my area. In my mind this would be the answer for us as long as it wasn't mandatory but was an option for every child with an ASD. My child does not need to be wrapped in cotton wool but may need some to shove some in her ears at assembly time as the screaching of young children that some relate to "singing" upsets her and sends her into a heap in the ground shouting and covering her ears. She is now no longer made to go to assembly, but there is always some issue or other that is not getting sorted. I am still looking into home education. The more I look into it the more it seems like the best option for Lib and for us as a family.

[bid]

I don't understand where this idea of asking all, or nearly all, of a class to a birthday party has come from? Seems madness to me, because no child is going to like every other child in their class. And if one or two are not invited they are very much singled out.

 

I think it's a much better to ask maybe 10 or so if you want a big party...a useful life lesson for all the children to learn that you're never going to be invited to everything, but no one feels singled out.

 

With my 4 we only had 'big' parties for ages 5, 6 and 7. After that it's 2 or 3 friends for a sleepover or the cinema, etc.

 

With my AS son from the age of about 8ish when he started to have a couple of 'friends' the onus always fell to me to ask them for tea or a sleepover. He was rarely asked back which did hurt me (not sure he really noticed), but I just had things at our house so he had the social interaction thing and the fun.

 

Bid

Edited May 11, 2009 by bid

[cmuir]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. My exact point about my daughter not fitting in with mainstream education continues to get proved again and again. It seems even the parents who are trying to make good points for inclusion always seem to let a bit out about how hard it has been and really solidifying my beliefs that shoving my brilliantly wonderful, differently thinking square peg into a non-accepting, judgemental round hole will not work and is still not the answer. There are things such as ASD units in my area. In my mind this would be the answer for us as long as it wasn't mandatory but was an option for every child with an ASD. My child does not need to be wrapped in cotton wool but may need some to shove some in her ears at assembly time as the screaching of young children that some relate to "singing" upsets her and sends her into a heap in the ground shouting and covering her ears. She is now no longer made to go to assembly, but there is always some issue or other that is not getting sorted. I am still looking into home education. The more I look into it the more it seems like the best option for Lib and for us as a family.

 

 

Hi

 

I've reached the conclusion that mainstream is no longer for my son. He's been in a mainstream environment (incl nursery) for 4 years and I think kids get to an age whereby they realise they're different and as do their peers. My son is 7.5 and it's becoming a bigger and bigger issue. Sounds negative, but I only foresee things worsening. I'm not of the opinion, that R would be better off in an environment where he's receiving specialist support and fits in - where he's not in the minority. With that, I believe Rs confidence and self-esteem could increase, he'd academically achieve more and his social skills may improve. Also, I believe he'd get automatic understanding and acceptance, from teaching staff, other kids, not to mention parents. I've made a placing request, but am aware that it's actually in my son's school's best interests to hang onto him - he's allocated 25 hours support (full-time) which is being used to support another 4 kids (he's therefore only ever received 1/5 of that time ie 5 hours). I must sound cynical, but moving schools is no easy task and you have to dig your heels in.

 

I hope you resolve the school issue.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[Karen A]

I don't understand where this idea of asking all, or nearly all, of a class to a birthday party has come from? Seems madness to me, because no child is going to like every other child in their class. And if one or two are not invited they are very much singled out.

 

I think it's a much better to ask maybe 10 or so if you want a big party...a useful life lesson for all the children to learn that you're never going to be invited to everything, but no one feels singled out.

 

With my 4 we only had 'big' parties for ages 5, 6 and 7. After that it's 2 or 3 friends for a sleepover or the cinema, etc.

 

With my AS son from the age of about 8ish when he started to have a couple of 'friends' the onus always fell to me to ask them for tea or a sleepover. He was rarely asked back which did hurt me (not sure he really noticed), but I just had things at our house so he had the social interaction thing and the fun.

 

Bid

 

Hi.I know where it has come from.It is in my opinion nothing to do with the children and everything to do with the parents.

Where I live parents have been known to organise a huge party at vast expense despite the fact that their own child would hate it.

It is the lower age group equivalent of prom parties that are now becoming more popular.

Didn't you read the articles last year about prom parties complete with costumes at vast expense and limousines.Karen.

 

[Athena]

This topic has struck a cord with me. DD has significant communication issues and has NO friends whatsoever. I don't know if she is lonely, she seems very happy playing on her own when she comes home from school.

 

Her school is going to apply for statutory assessment and I am thinking more and more that so called "inclusion" in mainstream school is a sham and that she would be better off in a special needs school, where she wouldn't be the odd one out in the class all the time and would have the opportunity to make proper friends with other children.

 

I am also very lonely as the other Parents seem to shun me - I am definitely NOT a yummy mummy or "cool" type of person. I hate, hate, hate the school run so much!!

[Sally44]

I think you should talk to the teacher about why she didn't come into school because she was so upset about not being invited and by being told by the party girl repeatedly that she wasn't invited.

There are things like Circle of Friends that can help to build a network of classmates around a child. This can be a very positive thing, but it has to be put into place. I really don't think that 'inclusion' happens on its own. Our children often do not know how to initiate conversation or play or join in and therefore need the support and need to be taught these social skills. NT children do tend to steer clear of the 'odd' child. Unfortunately it is part of human nature. Children basically want to be the same as everyone else and don't want to stand out. Having a friend who is 'different' makes you stand out from the crowd and potentially more vulnerable.

But if the school and outside agencies want it to work they can put the time and effort into making it work.

My son has always been invited to some parties. But not alot. At his previous school he had a friend who was a girl. Anyway they had been friends through nursery, primary school etc. He was invited to her party, which was a football party (any physical sport team orientated game is a nightmare for him). Anyway she was one of the team captains and had to choose her team. Of course she did not choose my son. He was absolutely distraught. He was standing infront of her crying 'why don't you pick me'. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it

So I did explain to him later that she was trying to choose the winning team and that he is not good at football. If she had been picking a winning Lego team I told him that he would have been picked first.

But it aint easy is it.