Birthday celebration

[dana]

Hi,

my son (9) will have his birthday next week and I don't know what would be the best way to celebrate it. The problem is that he wants to invite the girl who he is obssesed with and who does not want to play with him .Since he hasnt got any friends I am not sure that any of the small group of children he also wants to invite will come. However, he is REALLY looking forward to his birthday party and doesn't want to hear just to have a family day out.

I have been thinking to invite them to our home but I am afraid that my son will be very disapointed if none of the children come . Does anybody have any ideas ?

 

Danaxxx

[chris54]

Cant really help as we have just the same problem. We end up with the family day out thing, but we do get his grown up brother and sister to come over for the day which he always enjoys.

[connieruff]

You could do something really cool. which no little girl would be able to turn down, and make sure you invite her friends as well as some boys, and make sure you speak to the parents not just send cards as you may not get replies back and there would be nothing worse than waiting for people to turn up. I would not tell your son too much up front just in case they let you down at the last moment, and make sure you have a really good back up plan.

I have no faith in other parents at all, in my opinion they are the rudest most insensitive bunch of people I have ever had the misfortune to meet. They would not hesitate in letting your son down at the last moment, so be preapred. Sorry I sound cynical but there it is.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. I invited the whole class (not to my house I hasten to add) and it went well. I also asked for a day off school for him the day after the party and took him out with family, and let him choose what he did. (My back up plan in case there were any let downs the day before)

Cxx

Edited June 3, 2009 by connieruff

[baddad]

It's difficult, isn't it?

If you can, I'd suggest contacting the parents of the kids first, rather than just sending invites into school or whatever. That way, if the kids don't want to come you can make other plans without having to deal with the direct rejection involved (you still have to explain why you've not planned the requested party, of course, but that'll be better coming from and handled by you than from the kids in the playground). There is a danger with kids that even if they are individually asked by their parents while at home they'll still come into school and say something hurtful, but that's how kids are . If you have any concerned about specific kids who are likely to make mileage in a nasty way from rejecting an invite, just tell your son straight and don't extend the invite. the unfairness of it is awful, but he does need to be aware of it so he can build some defences against it...

Before Ben's friends were firm friends I used to make any birthday bash a special one - i.e. take the group bowling, or to a zoo park or something like that. That meant that a - it was more appealing (horrible way of looking at it - but a means to an end), and b - that it dictated the numbers (small!) so there was more chance of getting everyone invited on board. The kids involved got the opportunity to get to know (and like) Ben away from the pressures of their peer group at school and stayed 'proper' friends who are happy just to hang out and play in the garden or on the games console, whatever... I'd avoid a 'Birthday tea' at home if possible, because this is not likely to hold the novelty attraction of a big day/afternoon out, and even though it might be perfect for your son it's not generally the kind of party that nine year olds have these days. That's sad, because nine year olds should still enjoy pass the parcel and stuff like that, and if you actually put them in a situation where that's happening they do. But ask then in advance and the liklihood is you'll get a 'thanks but no thanks'...

 

hope that helps, and that whatever you decide to do he has a fantastic day

 

L&P

 

BD

[chris54]

In the last two post there is an assumption that you, the parent know who you child would like to invite, who their parent are and so on. My son does not have any contact with children outside of school, (his chose), Children will greet him when out and he all but ignores them. His "friends" at school I have no idea who they are (other that Christan names) , what they are like or where they live.

[connieruff]

You could always ask his teacher and TAs?

[baddad]

In the last two post there is an assumption that you, the parent know who you child would like to invite, who their parent are and so on. My son does not have any contact with children outside of school, (his chose), Children will greet him when out and he all but ignores them. His "friends" at school I have no idea who they are (other that Christan names) , what they are like or where they live.

 

Hi Chris - Sorry if i wasn't clear. I wasn't making any assumptions, but thought this was information that could be obtained if you didn't have it - either as connieruff suggested via liason with school (who wouldn't give it other parents contact details but would pass on your own for them to contact you if they chose to) or at the school entrance while dropping/delivering your child to school. The latter obviously not a simple task if your child usually goes by taxi, but worth personal trips in/out of school if necessary.

 

L&P

 

BD

[dana]

Hi,

thank you for your posts, they are really helpful. The thing is that ,apart from one child, all the others will most probably refuse, esspecially the girl my son is obssesed with because she does not want to play with him anyway.

He does not give up easily (he even wants to play piano for his birthday to the girl's class,year 6, in order to impress her!) and he will be really upset if she doesn't come. I am a woman but I don't know what would be really interesting for a little girl nowdays to atract her to come? The easiest way would be to invite everyone at home but my house is not big and ,as baddad said, that may not be the most atractive option for her anyway even if she wants to play with my son.

To speak with their parents for me would be very hard because I have a feeling that they tend to avoid me because of my son's problems(although I am always trying to be kind to them) and I am not sure they would let their children come anyway.

Chris 54, you are right-it is hard when you don't know the parents of the children and even harder when they are not very friendly.

I don't know what to do. I wouldn't like my son to be hurt and it seems to me there is no way we can avoid it.

 

Danaxxx

[chris54]

I take my son to school almost every day and pick him up.

 

I have yet to figure out how to strike up a conversation with a total stranger who happens to be hanging around the school gates on the off chance that they have a child in my sons class. Most of the children in my sons year go to and from school independently, so no help there.

When my son comes out of school as he walks across the play ground he is totally oblivious to the other children. As he is often one of the last to come out most of the other children have already gone by then.

The last thing I want to do is have a game of 20 questions to try and figure out which, if any of the children are his "friends".

 

And as for getting school involved, tried that in the past with not much success.

[baddad]

I take my son to school almost every day and pick him up.

 

I have yet to figure out how to strike up a conversation with a total stranger who happens to be hanging around the school gates on the off chance that they have a child in my sons class. Most of the children in my sons year go to and from school independently, so no help there.

When my son comes out of school as he walks across the play ground he is totally oblivious to the other children. As he is often one of the last to come out most of the other children have already gone by then.

The last thing I want to do is have a game of 20 questions to try and figure out which, if any of the children are his "friends".

 

And as for getting school involved, tried that in the past with not much success.

 

If you make your first question 'oh, what class is your child in' adding - 'mine's in Mr/Mrs so-and-so's' and he/she seems to...'

 

Sorry, I wasn't trying to suggest it was easy, or overlooking the unwillingness of other parents to talk back to parents of the 'different' child. My situation when my son was nine was exactly the same as the one you are describing - and I appreciate too, Chris, the additional complication of being a dad at the school gates rather than a mum...

Having said all of that, the difficulty isn't going to go away, so there are really only two options: You either approach it, as I've suggested or in any other way you can think of, or accept it and make alternative arrangements. It's totally unfair that the onus should always be on US, but if our kids can't do it for themselves and other kids parents don't 'step up' to help, it's really a Hobson's choice.

Another long-term suggestion (it's certainly not going to make a difference in time for the party) is to try and get your child involved in some sort of after schools activity (scouts/martial arts club/music group/choir/whatever) where he's mixing with the same kids in a controlled environment and working as part of a 'team'...

 

DANA -

 

I've found that the things I mentioned (bowling/zoo park) seem to appeal to both boys and girls, as does the cinema if there's a good 'general' film on (Don't try boys with Hannah M or mama Mia or girls with the new James Bond! ) Have a looksee around where you live and see if there's anything local enough to be viable but 'different' enough not to be part of the kid's regular weekend activities. (Oh - Ben wants 'laser quest' or paintballing this year - which is exactly the right kind of thing, but would maybe not appeal to some... most of the girls ben knows would love it, and the boys definitely, but girls who have discovered make-up and boy-bands might shy away.)

As far as the year six girl goes - if you're sure she won't come you've just got to tell him that. Let him invite her if he won't have it any other way, but just tell him from the offset he's barking up the wrong tree and explain, as gently as you can, the reason why. Hard though it is, our kids do have to learn about rejection and that some people will make negative judgements about them based on prejudice. We're never going to be able to protect them from that, we can only teach them how to protect themselves, and teach them that the people making those judgements are the ones getting it wrong. We can't ensure other peoples kids don't grow up with prejudices; we can only do our best to make sure ours don't. Similarly, we can't stop other people from making value judgements, we can only educate our children that the judgements being made are unreasonable...

 

Good luck with the party.

 

[dana]

Thank you ,Baddad. Somebody suggested me McDonalds, that they organise birthday parties and that the children love it. I have never tried it before so I might give it a go.

 

Danaxxx

[NobbyNobbs]

i had one of those when i was little. very good for very young childlren, but i had another when i was 9/10 and it was awful. someone dressed as their character came out and gave me a present, but by then i'd outgrown being impressed by people dressed up as stuff. so i'm not sure, if your son is 9 that he wouldln't be too old for it all. you could always combine a mcdonalds/pizza trip with something llike bowling or cinema. i'd recommend night at the museum 2, it was fantastic and all the kids seemed to really enjoy it too.

 

if the girl your son wants to be friends with is a couple of years older than him, i suspect even the best of parties wouldn't draw her in, especially if he pesters her (with the best of intentions) at plytime at school. probablyl better to explain that she is too old for his party, and invite some 'sure thing' kids.

 

perhaps try and invite any other special needs kids in the year. they'd probably really love being invited to a party if they've been left out of things. i also strongly recommend speaking to their parents facce to face. scary and awkward as it is, they're far more likely to respond to the invite and actually show up if they are asked personally.

[chris54]

If you make your first question 'oh, what class is your child in' adding - 'mine's in Mr/Mrs so-and-so's' and he/she seems to...'

 

try and get your child involved in some sort of after schools activity (scouts/martial arts club/music group/choir/whatever) where he's mixing with the same kids in a controlled environment and working as part of a 'team'...

I should have said, Successfully conversation, I have struck lucky a few times which would go something like "I will ask Johnny if he knows A---" and that's it, next day, maybe a smile and that's it.

 

As for clubs etc, been down that road and its a no no, my son just doesn't want to know.

 

I no longer worry to much about my son not having any friends, it just seems to me that there are times when I think he would like to have someone to play with other than me. We have on a very few occasions had children from school come to call, but leave after a sort while as my sons idea of "fun" doesn't do much for them.

[Squirrel]

I would go for an individual-based activity - such as bowling - that the children can enjoy on their own terms rather than in relation to your child. Soft play centres are also good but I suspect that they may feel a little old for that at 9, and these centres also offer the opportunity of too much independence from your son and his party rather than the 'taking turns' aspect of bowling. I would also want some interaction to be possible, so would shy away from films for that reason. (but I'm aware that I'm aiming for ideals here!)

 

I would arrange to meet with his teacher or Special Needs assistant to talk through your thoughts and some of the names that have been mentioned. There will be information that they can't tell you, of course, but if they care about their pupils at all they should be able to give you some pointers .... it's in their interest for there to be some successful friendships going on within their class, particularly successful friendships including your son.

 

You could ask about the children who he sits with, the children whose names he has mentioned. I would also ask about the particular friends of the children whose names he has mentioned .... Once you have worked out who to invite you can ask for your details to be passed on to those parents, but I would also send and invite and a short explantory note to the parents of the children. I'd emphasize the appeal of the activity/venue and the fact that each of the children have some of their own friends also invited, and how much it would help you son to have other children playing the activity alongside him to show him how social interaction works, etc, etc, Emphasize that your son will be fully supervised and supported during the activity and that the invited children will be able to enjoy the activity and the food etc. regardless of any difficulties your son might have during the afternoon. I would be trying to ask for support and assistance with a nice big pay back for the invited children.

 

Once you have the full names of the children (you can always look on the children's trays in the school!) it would probably be fairly easy to find their phone numbers, particularly if the school catchment area is fairly small. A little asking around of the people you do know will often bring up a street name and otherwise I would just trawl through the phonebook if I needed to. You may well not be able to make contact with all the parents, but you might get to chat to at least one parent out of each group of friends that you want to invite.

 

I would also plan to let him down gently over the Year Six girl. She could have the standard invite that you are sending to the others, as he insists, but I would instinctively want to 'teach' how to handle a cruch or unrequited love sensibly, maturely, now .... before these things get serious and can be judged as harrassment or stalking in the future. What is 'sweet' at 9 is much less so in the teens and downright criminal after 18 ....

 

Good Luck!

Do let us know how you get on as I can also see this one coming.

I invited just 4 friends to the soft play centre for Robin's 4th birthday, and all the Mums came and stayed as well. Each of the boys played briefly with Robin and also with each other and independently. It worked very well. I negotiated a reduced party size on the grounds of Robin's needs (minimum is normally 8 guests, so 9 kids) and I'm sure this was a wise move. Luckily I already knew all the Mums involved, though they did not all know each other.

 

Hope that helps!

Helen

[dana]

Thank you Helen. Something has happened in the meantime. My son's behaviour towards the girl from year 6 has got much worse (he was even growling at her to get her attention! ). She complained to the teachers so they told my son to give her some space. The Learning Mentor invited both my son and he girl to talk. The girl told him that he can salute her on the playground if he wants to but then to live her alone after that. He promised he would do that. He told me this and it seems to me that finally he understood that the way he was behaving towards her is not the one would make her his friend. I hope this is the case because he does not look desparate now although he might try it again. Besides, the SENCO told me that she didn't think would be a good idea to invite the girl. She could't help much about his birthday party.

Bowling would be good idea but my son has problems with coordination and motor skills so would not like it (he probably has Dispraxia). I might seek advise from his Learning Mentor. Maybe she will have some ideas who to invite and where. I thought McDonalds would be good but it is too far from where we live and in my area people are poor,maybe dont have cars.

The whole business with socialising for me is a nightmare because I personally am not good at it. I have learned to socialise very late in life and have just a few friends far away from where we live. We are very isolated anyway( we have moved in only last year). I feel inadequate and guilty towards my son because I dont know how to help him since I dont know how to help myself.

 

Danaxxx

Edited June 7, 2009 by dana

[Squirrel]

My only concern about MacDonalds would be the lack of an actual activity to do ... but then I'm thinking of a bored Robin and you are thinking of your less co-ordinated son!

It just shows how different they all are, doesn't it!

 

I'm also isolated, in that we are living out in Sweden at the moment. There is a fantastic forum of English speaking mums out here, and many of the local ones do meet up, but it is nothing like the long-standing friends back in the UK.

 

Where are you living? (I mean approximately)

Maybe there are other Mums on here who are somewhere nearby?

 

Best Wishes, Helen

[dana]

Thank you.

I spoke with McDonalds. They do organise entertainment for the birthday parties according to the age of children.

We live in Cambridgeshire. At the moment I got in touch with the charity organisation called Face-to-Face in my area. They are all over England (I dont know if they are in Scotland). They are trained parents of the ASD children who are helping other parents with SEN children. One of them is coming to my house once a week (we have just started). I hope she would give me more advise about socailising, dx and statementing in my area since my son has only recently refered to the poediatritian for dx.

 

Danaxxx

Edited June 7, 2009 by dana

[dana]

Hi,

I just want to update you. My son had a birthday party today. We organised it in a nearby place , a kind of a soft play center where my sons classmate successfully organised his party earlier this year.(The only one my son was invited to).We gave up McDonalds because they ask for a minimum of 10 children and it was too far from the place where we live.

The bad news was that they were fully booked for weeks ahead and the only free slot was today on the Fathers day. My son was so excited writing invitations to the cildren he thought were friendly to him. Since the children from his class come to school by themselves because they live very close to school I managed to speak only with one of their parents. Result was that only one child came, a girl who helps him with his school work and likes to mother him and plays with him sometimes during the breaks. If she didnt come it would have been a disaster.

However, they really enjoyed themselves using the facilities, slides etc. They had a nice dinner, birthday cake and Brewster Bear only for themselves.Although my son was sorry that nobody else came he was not too much upset because he enjoyed himself very much.Further, the children, he gave invitations to, wanted to come and some of them were really even excited about that but had to ask their parents. So my ds put blame on their parents and the Fathers day. The girl ,he was so eager to invite, was ill anyway.

Still, I am sad.

 

Danaxxx

Edited June 21, 2009 by dana

[baddad]

Glad your son had a good day and sorry for you it wasn't all it could be

If you look at it in the grander scheme of things you've gained a couple of useful insights: It doesn't have to be 'big' to be special (1 good friend is worth 10 who are only there for the afternoon out) and as far as organising goes you've got to get the invites out early and push for answers. You've also learnt that the kids at least have some interest, even if their parents are not helping any...

 

L&P

 

BD

[dana]

Thank you.

By the way, I forgot to mention that the manager of the place let us have the birthday cake for free.That saved us £6. Obviously, he felt sorry for my ds that nobody else came.

You are very much right,Baddad, about friendship. I know it myself. I would be the happiest in the world if my ds had 3,4 good friends with whom he would socialise on a regular bases. But that is at the moment just my wish.

 

Danaxxx

[Mum of 3]

<'> Glad your DS had a good time anyway, Dana...Hopefully, the other kids will ask him about it at school today.