Absolutely livid at my mother

[szxmum]

Warning - this is just a personal rant, so it may be worthwhile just skipping this post

 

Have just found out today that my Mother has been phoning my brother over the past month "despairing" and "agonising" over the fact that ds has Autism. Dearest brother, bless his heart, has been dealing with her as he felt that we had quite enough on our plates with all the recent doctors appointments and appointments at the social, etc, etc.

 

I knew she was not "coping" with the whole Autism and disability benefits situation but I had no idea she was this bad; she's hysterical - you would think he had been given a sudden and immediate terminal illness diagnosis. To say I am furious is an understatement. Yet again, she has turned someone else's problem into an issue that she cannot cope with. This is not the first time she has done this, although she's never done it quite so spectacularly before.

 

I am mad with myself that I told her about ds but I had hoped for some support from her, instead she has emotionally caved in and has been "traumatized" (her words) by the diagnosis and can't cope with it all. My brother has been bombarded with angst such as "What will he doooooo?" and "What's going to happen to him when his parents are too old to look after him?" and "What about his education? He can't stay at home all day".

 

I've told my brother next time she phones to cut her dead and tell her to phone me with her problems. She will get the reply that ds is doing brilliantly, thank you very much - and he is, good for him

 

How dare she write him off like this (and no I'm not exaggerating here, when talking to my brother she had him sitting rocking in a corner a Victorian asylum). I told you I was livid. It's not ignorance on her part (I gave her some of the simpler NAS leaflets) it's just pure selfish indulgence.

 

Time for me to take a deep breath, have a large one of these and to re-establish the distance between my mother and me. I realised a long time ago that our relationship was FUBAR. Why should it change just because I could do with a bit of support?

 

Sorry for the rant guys.

[Tally]

You look like you could do with another!

 

Is your brother getting annoyed with her phone calls too? He should tell her to see a counsellor about it if she is that traumatised.

[joybed]

Bl**dy mothers is all i can say.

[chris54]

Your mother is reacting like most people, the general public, do to autism, yes they do think of the Victorian asylums, people just siting there all day rocking because that is all they know. They don't see all the people around them that have ASD and are living full lives. There are some people with autism who do live in institutions and they do spend much of their time stimming, I know I work with some of them and it makes me realise how wide the spectrum is.

 

All you can really do now is educate you mother about Autism, perhaps do the thing of pointing out all the geniuses in history who had/ have Autism.

[TheNeil]

Your mother is reacting like most people, the general public, do to autism, yes they do think of the Victorian asylums, people just siting there all day rocking because that is all they know

The public?!?!?!? I had an NHS psychologist say this to me just a couple of years ago...and he thought it was what austistic people did

 

[szxmum]

Your mother is reacting like most people, the general public, do to autism, yes they do think of the Victorian asylums, people just siting there all day rocking because that is all they know.

 

All you can really do now is educate you mother about Autism, perhaps do the thing of pointing out all the geniuses in history who had/ have Autism.

 

 

Firstly, I would like to apologise if last night's rant has in any way caused offense. If it has, I really am extremely sorry.

 

With regard to my mother, I took a long time and very calmly, carefully and clearly explained about the whole of the Autistic Spectrum without emotion or prejudice. I gave her some leaflets to read up on it. I explained where I thought ds fitted into the spectrum explaining he was neither a non-verbal, stimming autistic nor was he an autistic savant or genius.

 

In spite of this, she has chosen to label ds with the most negative stereotype and assign him a negative, stereotypical lifestyle.

 

My issue is not with Autism, it is with my mother and her inability to cope with what life throws at her. Unfortunately, she is not a survivor, she is one of life's victims and worse than that she wallows in it. I actually like Tally's suggestion of the cousellor., thank you Tally. She won't do it though because that would mean taking responsibility for herself and having no-one to blame for her problems but.... it'll give me a means to stop her dead when she goes off on one.

 

[Kathryn]

Everyone is entitled to a rant now and again, it's what the forum is for.

 

It sounds as though there's not much you can do: your mother will have to work through this herself, somehow. The information is out there for her to read, if she wants to. Clearly she isn't in a position to support you, and if she's having a negative effect on you it's probably best to keep your distance until she has sorted herself out.

 

K x

Edited July 8, 2009 by Kathryn

[bid]

Just a thought...

 

I know she's not being supportive, but your mum will also be working through her own emotions at your DS' dx. I'm sure grandparents go through a similar grieving process as parents, and sometimes people just get things plain wrong because they are upset

 

I'm not trivialising how much she's upsetting you, and I have experienced this lack of support from my siblings (although they favoured the 'there's nothing wrong with him' approach!). Just that I'm sure he's a dearly loved grandson, and she's struggling with her feelings

 

Really hope you can find a happier way between you. Somewhere on here there's a link to a handout for grandparents...I'm off to work, so can't look now but maybe someone else might be able to find it?

 

Bid <'>

[Greg F]

I have a mother in law exactly like this - I often joke about it with my better half.

 

A typhoon could hit Australia and somehow it would be the worst thing in the world for her: "This is terrible, I was just going to book a holiday in.. um where was that?"

 

Between that and "Mmm I haven't ate any of (whatever Greg's got) in years" followed by lots of lip smacking. When that one happens I just look at my wife, that statement is one of the caricature mannerisms I have for the dotty old bat - er I mean mother of my wife.

 

Now my son has had a diagnosis she has scoured the internet and is an expert on all things AS, criticising us for not doing X, Y and Z when we do them anyway.

 

I just tell her that we have the internet too, there's nothing she has learned in a few days that we haven't learned in the past 2 years.

[Cariad]

Your mother is reacting like most people, the general public, do to autism, yes they do think of the Victorian asylums, people just siting there all day rocking because that is all they know. They don't see all the people around them that have ASD and are living full lives. There are some people with autism who do live in institutions and they do spend much of their time stimming, I know I work with some of them and it makes me realise how wide the spectrum is.

 

All you can really do now is educate you mother about Autism, perhaps do the thing of pointing out all the geniuses in history who had/ have Autism.

 

 

That is one brilliant post!!