Should I stay or should I go?...

[Mum of 3]

I'm currently having a bit of a confidence crisis about work.

 

I have a very stressful job working for an LEA as a consultant, advising and training primary teachers. I went part time after having my second child. I have since had another child, so now have 3, the eldest (G, currently being assessed for asd/as) is 5.

 

I've been on sick leave for the last 4 months, coming to terms with the realities of G's difficulties, which are becoming more and more obvious as he gets older.

 

The doctor who signed me off told me that although my difficulties are with home, not work (particularly!), he couldn't sign me off from home, so I'd have to use the time I should be at work to 'recover', then go back to 'mother duties' for the rest of the time. It took my DH a long time to realise that I wasn't off so that I could do more housework, and I needed to be looked after if I was to improve. Even when he'd realised this, it took me a long time to insist on my need to do nothing for those 2.5 days.

 

The truth of the matter is, when I look back over the last 4 months, which should have been a time of rest and calm, loads and loads has happened. There has not been a week when I have not had to deal with one thing or another to do with G, be it appointments to do with his assessments, or other visits to hospitals (I've been to A&E 3 times in this time with one or the other of them...G needed 4 hospital visits for his 'accident', culminating in a day on the children's ward for minor surgery with a general anaesthetic! I've also made and taken hundreds of phone calls, numerous meetings with school, etc, and dealt with thousands of tantrums, meltdowns and general incidents of mad craziness!

 

Every morning is a battlefield, with each and every task that needs to be done faught over and argued about. We've had visual timetables (pulled off the wall), sticker charts (refused to stick stickers on), and all sorts...the truth is, he doesn't want to change his behaviour, and will refuse any attempt we make to make him change.

 

So, when the HR dept from work contacted me to ask if there was any way they could support me in getting back to work, I thought 'great...a chance to lay it on the line and get some flexibility...' How wrong can you be. As soon as I mentioned that I had a child who probably has asd, and would appreciate some understanding and flexibility in the mornings, she started talking about 'time limited' options. I couldn't understand what she was on about, and asked how would it help to only have this for a month? She said that since his assessment meeting is in August, that would be when I stopped needing support because they'd start treating him and he'd be cured!!!!

 

I gently pointed out that this isn't the case, and that the dx is only the beginning...we're likely to be in this for a long time yet. She then started to talk about 'having a conversation' about whether or not I can deliver what the service requires, and if my home life is going to have a 'negative impact' on my work and on the team, then ultimately my manager would be looking at competancy! I asked if there have been any complaints about my work (no), or any suggestions made that I'm not up to the job(no)...Have there been any complaints yet about my attendance or punctuality? (no). I then pointed out that, since I'd coped so well with everything so far, I failed to see why I should give up work just because I've discovered my child has a disability. She got a bit flustered at that, and said I am entitled to ask for (not necessarily get!) flexible working hours.

 

So, in order to carry on working, I'm going to spend the DLA we've just been awarded on a cleaner and ironing service so I can have a bit of a break at the weekends and spend some quality time with the little ones whilst G is at school on my days off. I'm also going to increase the hours the little ones are at nursery so that I can catch up on my work on my afternoon 'off', in case I get in late on some mornings (this is the 'flexibility' bit). I'm having counselling, I'm on antidepressants, and I'm looking at alot more appointments, missed school days, etc in the future, all of which will be nails in the coffin as far as work are concerned.

 

To top it all, DH has just got an interview for his dream job...50 miles away. If he gets it, he'll be leaving the house at 6am to get the train, and not getting back till at least 8pm, leaving me to do all the morning routine for all 3, get them all to school/nursery before work, then pick them all up, do tea, bath and bed by myself every night! All this and still put on a professional face for work and also turn up for assemblies when he's won a certificate!

 

I can tell you all know where this is leading...Should I cash in my chips now and give it up?

If I did, we'd be (a bit) poorer, but I'd be far more relaxed and able to support all 3 children as well as DH in his (hopefully!) new job, but if the commute got too much and he wanted to move house we'd not be able to get a mortgage o his salary alone.

If I don't, I'll be very stressed and busy, and have to somehow juggle all of the above and give my 'all' to work...but we'd have more money (alot more when all the kids are in school in 2011), and I'd still have my pension.

 

What have you all done? I'm sure there are lots of you who've been in this situation!

 

All advice, as always, gratefully recieved.

[call me jaded]

I'd say that DH's job move is the decider: give up for now and explore how you can be an independent training provider where you really can pick your own hours.

[A and A]

i dont see being off work for 4 months and beng on anti depressants as coping, i think you should give it up.

[bid]

You could give yourself a timescale, either to continue with work (say 6 months) with support from a cleaner, etc, and then review your situation...

 

Or, resign and give yourself a longer timescale (say 1 year) off work and again review things at the end.

 

If you feel a real sense of relief when you consider the year off, and maybe a rising sense of panic at the idea of going back to work, that gives you your answer! <'>

 

The main thing to remember is that taking a career break to support your son and indeed whole family doesn't mean the end of your work prospects...things have a habit of happening and turning out for the best, often in completely unexpected ways.

 

Plus, I'm sure you know, but don't forget that your Child Tax Credits will increase if you stop work, plus you should be getting additonal credits as your son gets DLA.

 

One final thing: you can't look after other people well if you don't look after yourself first <'>

 

Bid

Edited July 12, 2009 by bid

[Sally44]

Another thing to consider is whereabouts you are in the SEN 'process'. As you say, it takes up alot of your time and energy.

My own son was initially picked up at school and referred to SALT at 4.5 years. It took a further 2 years (after SALT referred us onto a Communication Clinic at our local hospital where my son was seen by a Developmental Paediatrician and a Clinical Psychologist) to get a diagnosis, and then a further 2.5 years after that to get a Statement. And I can honestly say that for the majority of that time it was like a full time job.

Now my son has a Statement, and has moved to a school that can actually understand him and teach him, it no longer takes up all my time.

When my son was first seen by professionals I was 18 months into a degree course to be an Occupational Therapist. I was on placement, which I failed. Part (not all) of my difficulty then was that I had to get my son to a breakfast club, then he had school, then an after school club. Getting him up, awake and dressed and into the breakfast club was a nightmare of tantrums and screaming fits. By the time I picked him up from the after school club he was climbing the walls and wouldn't get to sleep until late. My husband at that time was a Manager and was working 24/7. He ended up being off work due to stress and anxiety for 6 months. I dropped the course and have not done anything else yet. My husband changed job to work part time in a school kitchen. Money has become a much lower priority. I do not even think about pensions because they are non existent.

I was contacted by the university who met with me and discussed when I would return to the course. They seemed to expect that a couple of weeks 'introducing' my son to his 'new routine' would suffice. I don't know what planet they were living on, but it definately was not the same one as mine!

 

If 'home' is where the stress is coming from, you might actually cope better in work. However 'who' is going to be doing the daily stuff with your child, especially if your husband does take that promotion. It might work if you employed someone to do that for you ie. collect him from school, because going to an out of school club is going to be very difficult for him because it will be on top of all the difficulties he has on a typical school day. If they collected him and he was in his own home until you were there, then it might not be so stressful for him or you.

 

It also seems like the 'strategies' you are being advised to try are working. How old is your child? When he is calm, usually in the morning, can you ask him what is making him angry when you ask him to do something. There might be a reason for it. He might prefer a different routine and if allowed to do that he would be fine. Or maybe he is not happy in school and so he is not co-operating at home to try to delay when he leaves for school. Or he could be anxious or stressed about school. Once you have had a discussion which he has contributed to, and has agreed to the morning routine, then stick to it. But it might help others to give their own experiences if you can give us examples of what is causing difficulties at home.

 

My own child is not good in the mornings. He finds it hard to get to sleep at night. In the mornings he is like a zombie and he does not want to go into school. He gets upset and anxious about transitions (from home to school). When he is in school he is okay. We too tried a visual timetable. But he didn't need that. He just gets alots of bad feelings when he is told he has to leave the house to go to school. Now when he is feeling like that I ask him if he wants the Teaching Assistant to know how bad he is feeling. If he says yes, then I tell the taxi escort to tell his dedicated TA that he is feeling bad this morning. That is usually all it takes because alot of his anxiety is about not being able to tell people how he is feeling. But, as I said, it has taken 4.5 years to get to this stage where he goes to a school that has experience in ASDs, has a statement, has a dedicated TA and is taken to/from school by taxi.

 

When you have a disabled child I know that you do have some rights regarding employment. But I don't personally know what they are or who you need to speak to for that information. Most LEAs have someone who deals with disability discrimination issues, so maybe you could talk to them - unless you feel it is difficult as the LEA is your employer.

 

I agree with Bid, that you need to make a plan and set a timescale for when you will make a decision. If you don't feel well enough then I would seriously think about whether it was wise to return to work. What timescale are you looking at before you feel confident to leave your child at school knowing that he will be supported and happy there. What does your husband say to all of these questions?

 

Also what are the priorities now. If you need to dedicate time to getting your son is a better environment/routines, or working through the SEN process, then don't feel bad about leaving work and putting your energy into that. Everyone who reads your post will identify with the amount of work and stress a SEN child can put on you individually and on the family as a whole. That isn't usually because of the child itself, but because of the totally inadequate processes and the timescales involved for anything useful to actually happen.

 

Unfortunately there are no easy answers or manual to work through. Every child, family, household situation is different. And as well as your child with suspected ASD, you may also find that your other children also need more support from you. You may even find that the whole SEN process takes you off on a different career path.

[lynne]

 

 

There is another option you could try. Say for example you work full time you could reduce your hours to part time or work two or three days per week.

 

You need to give yourself a time limit for how long you will try it and evaluate what is good and bad.

 

 

I have always worked but only 20 or 25 hours per week. Mainly school hours. I need the job as a way of destressing and I also love my work. But it is difficult and you do need support. I have an aupair who takes my child to school and collects him when I can not. This means the child comes home to his own environment and also some house work is done. My husband also works long hours and I can not depend on him for anything. Also it took him several years to come to terms with our son being diagnosed.

 

It is difficult and it is easy to not to work but some people do not have a choice. Having a flexible manager is essential. Also once they go to school childcare becomes more difficult and there are more frequent holidays. My child could never attend after school clubs or a holdiay club as the sensory environment is too much. No matter if there is a law on discrimmination. Its the same with school the environment its the key essential to him achieving.

 

The decision may be taken out of your hands if you need to move for your husbands job.

 

 

Good luck in what ever you decide.

[frogslegs]

Until I had my daughter (baby number 2) I worked full time, and used to have to get up at the crack of dawn to get my children ready for nursery, fight with the older one to put a uniform on, then one of them would be sick and it would be a nightmare for my employer. At that time my husband was going to Brussels to work all week so I was on my own with two very little children. I also felt that I could not enjoy my children as by the time they came home they were tired and grumpy, it was negative and disheartening. I stopped completely for 2 years and life became immediately better because my son was far far less stressed. If he was sick no problem. I was far more patient with them and we could actually have fun painting, reading and other activities that really helped him with his development. I feel I know my children very well.

 

Now I work 15/20 hours a week being self-employed. Far from ideal and some months are lean, but it means that I still have my dignity and something to write on my CV the day when I will feel ready to do more. I did consider going back full time to work last year and I quickly concluded that it was not workable for my son who cannot stand staying with a childminder or school club. I need my job just to talk to adults and keep my sanity, otherwise all I would speak about would be my problems!

I have now reached a time when I feel like going to college and train to do something different and still have decent working hours until my son is ready to be more independent. It is incredibly difficult to find the right balance work/home life for anyone.

 

Working with three under five, special needs or not is very very difficult as they are so needy, maybe you need to take a career break until they get a bit older (it does get easier), relax and enjoy your children. If you feel depressed your children will react to you accordingly and will be down too.

Good luck,

Mel

[Mum of 3]

Thanks for all your replies. My DH is reading with me and wants me to stress he's not as bad as I made out! It's not as if he made me do housework or anything!

I don't have time now to reply to all of you individually, but i really appreciate your advice and thoughts.

Just a couple of things,

Sally, G is 5- moving into Y1 in September.

Lynne, I already work 2.5 days a week, and unfortunately due to the nature of the job I can't only do school hours. I'm also required to work during the school holidays, although all my annual leave must be taken during school holidays. also, work is not that flexible...having so many employees means that they have to stick to the rule book, I guess.

G already attends before/after school club on my working days. He hates it, and they spend most of the time watching DVDs I wouldn't even allow in the house! I've tried him at a childminder (there are only 4 in our whole area, so places are like gold dust!), but he hated that even more, and started to misbehave there as well as getting even worse at home.

 

Currently, his behaviour at school is good, and ok at after school club, although he has started hiding from them!