How to tell

[cactuslove]

Looking for any advice on how to tell our 15 year old she has asd. Recently diagnosed n told not to tell her but few months down line and no more advice so feel that it would be best if we could at least try and explain to her why she was attending hospital etc and what has been found out. Any one who may have been through something similiar and any advice that can be given will be gratefuly received.

 

Thanks

[MOSEY]

There are several books on this topic - you could check out Jessica Kingsley Press website. My son is younger, so the info we read is probably too immature for her as he was disgnosed some years ago.

 

We told my son a little bit about Asperger's syndrome and its typically associated traits and he very quickly identified with it and asked if he had it. To him (and us), it was a huge relief - he felt like a lot of his past suddenly made more sense to him. He loves to read about successful people with Aspergers and likes to focus on the positive traits. There's lots of info on the web about this.

 

Of course, this doesn't help much on the bad days and he knows his condition causes him a great deal of stress, but in the main, hearing about AS has helped him to become more self aware and deal with his life more effectively. He now knows why he experiences some ofthe extremes he feels.

 

Best of luck with your daughter - hope someone else has better advice for her age!

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

There are some great books to start with. Check out the NAS website under shop:

 

For adolescents:

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=426

 

For children:

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=425

 

My son is nearly 8 and he's known he has AS for just under a year now. Obviously because of his age, I've kept it simple and told him that he's special and thinks about things a little bit differently. I've told him about some of the difficulties that we've noticed he has (and tried not to focus on that too much), but played up the positives ie that he's very clever, he has a very long memory/remembers things (memories, scripts, films, etc), that he's fascinating, he can be very focused, etc.

 

I know someone else (a child whose in Rs class), whose parents haven't told him he has AS. Everyone will have their own opinion, but I personally believe that honesty is the best policy. If a child is told in an honest, age appropriate and constructive way, then that gives the child reasons why they may have difficulty with certain things. By that, I mean - how would you feel if you were unwell and went to your GP who knew what was wrong with you, but didn't tell you? How could you go about helping yourself? Surely you'd feel like you were sometimes going mad (because you didn't have a reason for why you feel the way you do). I think it's the right thing to do.

 

It's not easy, but I think once a child knows they can begin to deal with things. Hopefully one of the books on the NAS website will help you.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[Teresa]

I don't have any advice, just how I told T, only you know whats the best way to tell your daughter.

 

I watied two year's until i told T she was 10 when she was dx, we just sat down and had a bit of a

 

chat very casually, she asked a few questions must of lasted about 20 mins the first time and at the

 

end T said, is that all it is, i thought it was something really bad, it was like a load had been lifted of

 

her shoulders, she did say that she wished i had told her sooner. I bought the Freaks,Geeks and

 

Aspergers Syndrome book written by Luke Jackson, who has Aspergers himself. We read the book

 

and laughed at some point's when reading it, because of the way its written we found it funny and

 

light hearted in places. We have sat and chatted many times about AS over the years, she is 19

 

now. We still have a laugh/smile about things she may say or do. We try not to dwell on the not so

 

good times/days of which there can be many . So good luck with telling your daughter hope all

 

goes well for you both.

 

Teresa

Edited July 24, 2009 by Teresa

[Kazzen161]

How do you feel about her dx? Have you got over the initial shock? Are you OK with it now?

 

I would agree with the others. Keep it positive and don't make a bit deal of it. I said something along the lines of that his brain works a bit differently to other people's, and that makes some things harder for him, but it also makes some things easier for him. I always stress that everyone is different - some need glasses, some need to use wheelchairs, etc. I also stressed that although it makes some things harder for him, and he might need more help with those things, it is not an excuse not to try to do them.

 

You can get lists of famous Aspies on the internet. Freaks, Geeks and AS might be good for someone her age, but only if she takes the dx well, otherwise she may object to being called a freak. I gave Tom a book called "AS and how it affects me". I read a bit with him, but he didn't really want to read it, so I just gave it to him and said he could read it when he wanted to. I know he did read it later. It is quite well written, with humour and cartoons, and would be appropriate for a teenager.

[Tally]

I'm really shocked you were told not to tell her. She is almost adult and has been diagnosed with a medical condition. Surely she has a right to know!

 

At 15 your daughter will probably have noticed she is different to her peers and may be wondering why. I think it's important she understands that she has a condition that causes her to be different, otherwise she may assume she has a character flaw which causes her difficulties.

[cactuslove]

Thank you for all the advice and I will try and pick up a book or two I think and sit down with her and try and have a casual conversationh with her. I am sure she will be fine and I think she will feel better herself knowing why she feels the way she does

[Lisa40]

I think it depends on how your child accepts things. My DD was dxed when she was 15 with AS and we were advised not to tell her. She found out by reading a psychiatrist's report that had come addressed to me. She is now 16 and will not accept that there is anything wrong with her. At 15/16 she is at an age where she wants to fit in with everyone and not be seen as different. We had terrible problems with her when she was at CAMHS, she refused to speak and open up to them, she wanted to control all the conversations and it was difficult to speak freely. She was becoming a total recluse, but in the last few weeks seems to have turned a corner. She is now living with her grandmother (as she never settled when we relocated to the midlands) and has even found a full time job training as a hairdresser - early days yet, but I am so hopeful after all the dispair of the last 6 years. She still won't accept that she has a problem but we are hopeful that as she matures more she will see that she is different from her peers and accept her dx. Had she been dxed when she was younger, it may have been easier but as a teenager, going through all the usual adolescent mood swings which AS seems to enhance, I can only advise you to do what your gut feeling tells you to do. We knew not telling her at the time was right as we really struggled for 12 months after her dx with her and her denial.