Newbie from Scotland

[MrB]

Hi, I don't know if I should post this here or in the post adolescent forum but here goes.

 

I only recently (in the past week) have found out what Asperger's is and I have been shocked to find it chimes with my life so far (I am a 45 year old male). Things like the inability to stand certain noises (a particular engine noise from one of our local buses makes me violently ill) to the inability to read other's intentions and therefore I must appear odd to them as I will only speak to somone if I am definitely sure they want my company. I detest imposing myself on people, even in ordinary 'normal' discourse and always need invited into a conversation. I also have obsessions with certain things that I now can see from others' perspectives as 'odd'. The one that gets me is my ability to detect certain noises others can't, yet inexplicably, I struggle to hear conversation in a room of more than three or four people - it drives me insane, I rarely come away anything other than frustrated or seeming to be distant and boring.

 

I am also clumsy, and if agitated bump into walls, doors, or walk through the wrong doors if I manage to avoid the blessed things. :-) I cannot dance to save my life, and from video shots I am aware I have a very 'gauche' gait and manner. There are so many other things, (too many to keep on listing here) that I have read about Aspergers and my reaction has been - oh, I do that. I did some online tests and was astonished at the numbers. So I am fairly if not very convinced I have Asperger's and in a way it has been a relief. I always knew I was 'odd' in some way and as I get older, my oddness is magnified in relation to others. I am constantly amazed by things like - how do people get cars and houses and seem to be so 'aware' all the time. Their lives seem so opposite to mine I feel totally alien. I used to think it was my social politics, but now feel I use them to mask my inabilities.

 

That's been a bit long winded , what I would like to ask is: where should I go from here? I feel I want to 'come out', start all over again and 'get it right' as much as possible. I have only one close friend but I am afraid he will be sick of me coming to him with 'yet another problem' as he has his own problems at the moment. My only other close friends are really my mum and dad, but I am terrified of their reaction, or of hurting them.

 

Oh and one more concern that is surfacing (and what drew me to the self analysis that has resulted in finding out about Aspergers) is that increasingly I am getting more and more anxious about finding a job. I was lucky for years in that I ran my own business which was initially a very solitary from the top of a tree type of concern but as it grew and more and more people became involved, I went totally to pieces (utterly terrified of so much as an email) , became a nervous wreck, hit the drink and nearly killed myself in the process. Eight months on from giving up the business I am now getting agitated at he thought of meeting new people in new situations. I am not a lazy man and would LOVE to work, but it's meeting people and never knowing quite what to do, or how correctly to do it, that terrifies me beyond belief.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. And apologies for such a long post. There's a million things going around my head right now.

[smiley1590]

the NAS could help and advice you further about your personal situation! and i'd go to GP to get assessed you may have social anxiety disorder,sensory probs with hypersensitive to noise common in AS clumsiness ,struggling with anxiety to work would be social anx communication skills etc i'm same with parents of hurting them let down so not alone! struggling to hear conversation sensory processing probs i hear noises others can't! alot people with AS can relate to many experiences you listed in here! i feel people 'more aware' than me and i'm alien again snap! meeting people never knowing what to do-poor weak social skills and social anx! it scares 'normal' let alone someone like 'us' does anyone in your family have similar signs to yourself that could be AS??? how did u do at school?? you isolated alot time?? you must have high IQ run your own business that fits AS too! sounds like anxiety is daily life battle with you and that also fits with AS as related MH prob that can come with it! or be part of it alot of the time! i'd read up as much as can ask at library of other adult AS experiences /stories in writting and see if anything else comes up that you think is you? i'd write a list and go back and try trace as many traits you think you have through research of AS through here,reading up it abit more! bet you glad in way you came across this condition which maybe explains some behaviour patterns etc obssesions are common

 

good luck with everything though

XKLX

[smiley1590]

must be hard to find out at this age it could be right answer to fit! must be hard to accept it could be high possiblity and make you angry annoyed frustrated why hadn't been spotted before! sounds like want help and support with anxiety ,AS did alcohol help numb reality block out probs for you and cover MH probs depression etc?? can you be immature? and find emotions hard to deal with and work out with on your alone and sort situations on your own and need others to help find a solution?

 

XKX

[MrB]

must be hard to find out at this age it could be right answer to fit! must be hard to accept it could be high possiblity and make you angry annoyed frustrated why hadn't been spotted before! sounds like want help and support with anxiety ,AS did alcohol help numb reality block out probs for you and cover MH probs depression etc?? can you be immature? and find emotions hard to deal with and work out with on your alone and sort situations on your own and need others to help find a solution?

 

XKX

 

THanks indeed for your response, it is comforting to know someone else chimes with all of this.

 

I am actually not angry about it at all, it is a bit of a relief to be able to put a name to it, or at least to explain what all my frustrations are coming from (I get angry at myself all the time)

 

I've suffered from bouts of depression (at various extremes) since I was a teenager. The alcoholism helped me mask myself as I could blame the alcohol for my 'eccentricities' and verbosity (I can see that now with remarkable clarity)

 

I do know that I can come across as extremely immature and naive and probably am. I never feel like I have progressed emotionally at all sometimes, and I know my family think of me as an ageing teenager.

 

I am now more or less teetotal, altough I can fall off the wagon now and then, so I am noticing myself a lot more clearly than I used to. Which sounds odd I know, but in recent times a few things I have heard people say either to me or through others, I realised there were big issues there with my perception of myself. An awareness of others and their perceptions has made me more self aware.

[MrB]

the NAS could help and advice you further about your personal situation! and i'd go to GP to get assessed you may have social anxiety disorder,sensory probs with hypersensitive to noise common in AS clumsiness ,struggling with anxiety to work would be social anx communication skills etc i'm same with parents of hurting them let down so not alone! struggling to hear conversation sensory processing probs i hear noises others can't! alot people with AS can relate to many experiences you listed in here! i feel people 'more aware' than me and i'm alien again snap! meeting people never knowing what to do-poor weak social skills and social anx! it scares 'normal' let alone someone like 'us' does anyone in your family have similar signs to yourself that could be AS??? how did u do at school?? you isolated alot time?? you must have high IQ run your own business that fits AS too! sounds like anxiety is daily life battle with you and that also fits with AS as related MH prob that can come with it! or be part of it alot of the time! i'd read up as much as can ask at library of other adult AS experiences /stories in writting and see if anything else comes up that you think is you? i'd write a list and go back and try trace as many traits you think you have through research of AS through here,reading up it abit more! bet you glad in way you came across this condition which maybe explains some behaviour patterns etc obssesions are common

 

good luck with everything though

XKLX

 

Thanks again for your reply, I had shivers reading what you wrote. It's spooky and alien to me to hear someone totally understand what I am saying.

 

In hindsight I think perhaps my father could be autistic. He has problems with emotions (he never expresses any other than agitation), but we put that down to his experiences in war zones as a young man. He can sympathise with one aspect of mine - anxiety. I was totally shocked when he understood that. It seemed so out of chartacter for him to understand that. I sometimes feel he knows more about me than I do myself. But it is not his way to discuss things deeply, idle chatter, analysis, gossip - way off his radar.

[smiley1590]

so be genetical link i have cousin and auntie undiagnosed AS /dyspraxia i pretty sure they have it too! so i know i lucky to have the answer i do of the name what extremes did you go through with depression???i don't feel like i come on emotionally/mentally at times too! i get angry and frustrated at myself all time! do you think you have dyspraxia,social anxiety disorder, sensory processing disorder??i'm glad the name of the condition provided relief for you that's positive step towards understanding what's going on and you so much more! are you going get in touch with NAS and read up more about it through books?? did you get help and support with alchol addiction do you think linked to self-esteem and depression?? or did make it worse?your dad probably personally experienced anxiety the most in war zones as young man so he can relate to you and understand more what you think about this? i feel like my mum knows me more than i do that's annoying and frustrating at times? did you go on meds for depression? do you think getting 'more answers' than just finding out name like information would help you further? find who you really are behind all this?!

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I was 21 when I had a similar experience to you. I had previouly read about Asperger's and thought it explained my dad's eccentricities, but not made the connection to myself. WHen I eventually came across something written by a person with AS about their experiences, that was when I found I related a lot to it. I discussed it with my partner who was able to point out other traits which were not so noticeable from the inside.

 

It took me a long time before I felt able to discuss it with my parents. They were initially surprised. My mum is a teacher and had read bits and pieces about Asperger's in the past and not realised it related to me. Eventually though, after reading a few books, she said that, although it didn't all seem to relate to me, it did explain everything about me which had ever worried her. But then it would be unusual to have every single symptom, and most undiagnosed adults have developed coping strategies to hide their difficulties. I also find that I have to think very hard about situations which non-autistic people manage innately, so I am spending a lot of energy on "normal" tasks.

 

I was not able to get assessed on the NHS and had to go private to get a formal diagnosis. It will often be necessary for a parent to speak to the assessor about your early development so that they can get evidence that the condition has been lifelong. Getting a diagnosis can be a major challenge, one which you should probably put off for now while you are getting used to the idea and learning as much as you can about Asperger's and how to cope with it. If you can develop better coping strategies, it is beneficial even if it turns out you don't have AS after all.

 

It could be good to speak to your parents about Asperger's. If you can get your head around things a bit first, you can present this as a positive piece of news - that it helps you understand yourself and your past better, that it could be key to helping you overcome your anxiety problems and to find a way forward by playing to your skills. That way, they are less likely to be upset by it.

 

Autism and Asperger's do tend to be genetic, so it's entirely possible that your father also has AS. It's also possible that he has some traits without meeting the full diagnostic criteria. Think carefully before you suggest this to him, as he may not take kindly to the suggestion. It can sometimes be better to talk about how it affects you and let him think to himself, "me too."

 

For me, the most amazing this was meeting with other autistic adults. Although I was quite different from some of them, it was the first time I actually felt I belonged. I would recommend you look for ways to meet other autistic adults - although you might be feeling overwhelmed enough for now, but when you feel ready.

 

As for work, it's really hard, especially during a recession. Do you have any hobbies or interests which could translate into a marketable skill? If you are on sickness/disability benefits you might be elegible for some kind of support in seeking employment.

[MrB]

so be genetical link i have cousin and auntie undiagnosed AS /dyspraxia i pretty sure they have it too! so i know i lucky to have the answer i do of the name what extremes did you go through with depression???i don't feel like i come on emotionally/mentally at times too! i get angry and frustrated at myself all time! do you think you have dyspraxia,social anxiety disorder, sensory processing disorder??i'm glad the name of the condition provided relief for you that's positive step towards understanding what's going on and you so much more! are you going get in touch with NAS and read up more about it through books?? did you get help and support with alchol addiction do you think linked to self-esteem and depression?? or did make it worse?your dad probably personally experienced anxiety the most in war zones as young man so he can relate to you and understand more what you think about this? i feel like my mum knows me more than i do that's annoying and frustrating at times? did you go on meds for depression? do you think getting 'more answers' than just finding out name like information would help you further? find who you really are behind all this?!

 

To be honest smiley a lot of those terms overwhelm me at the moment, I do know I am probably about the most anxious person I know :-) Everything gives me pause for thought, and not always with results. I haven't been on medication for a long time for depression, I tend to shun thinking that way. My dependency on alcohol was horrific. I took a seizure nearly four years ago and have never felt 'right' since that, it has baffled the NHS and myself, but what I do feel is that my problems (as I see it now) have intensified since that seizure, I do not know ifthat is related or not. Suffice to say my involvement with the NHS has not always been productive for me. I've been in touch with NAS and am awaiting a response from them

 

I am feeling altogether more positive now I know of Aspergers than I have for a long time. I have a very strong sense of 'beating this thing' whenever I have a condition. Now I know a lot of the inexplicable could be explained, it strengthens my resolve to do something positive.

 

I have gone from having the blues to clinical depression in the past twenty odd years or more, but many factors could have played into that.

 

Many thanks for your help here, you are helping me more than you will know.

[MrB]

I also find that I have to think very hard about situations which non-autistic people manage innately, so I am spending a lot of energy on "normal" tasks

 

I so concur with that, I think of all the things that has made me feel different it is that. I can deal with some things people find truly impossible, but what they deal with every day amazes me... I used to think it was, on my part laziness or lack of interest or something, but Aspergers makes it clearer to me what it is.

 

My mum visited today and I was so tempted to share with her my thoughts, but I am not sure yet. Although I HAVE a feeling she will be more than sympathetic when she thinks back on my past, a lot of my behaviour as a child was odd. Very odd. Back then no-one really thought about it further than - what a funny boy, gifted, but funny. One that sticks in my mind is when I said in my usual candour I thought the world was made up of doers and observers and I had a strong feeling I was an observer. She went ape. I now know why I said it, it was because I felt so alien to others and was seeking a rational explanation for my inability to connect.

 

That candour has got me into a lot of trouble. When asked a question, even to this day, try as I might, I can only respond exactly as I see it. Hate it when folks ask me what I think of their new clothes, car, or whatever. I dont know why I cant control that candour, surely if I recognise it I could?

 

I'd be interested to hear if you do that too - I turn it into humour, but I am sure not everyone sees it as funny,

 

I am on JSA at the moment.

 

Can I just say just now it is amazing to speak with others like yourself, I feel so much better about myself already, for the past month or so I have been truly at my wits end.

 

 

 

 

[Zen Dragon]

Hi MrB

I'm going to be 50! this year and I've too just realised I have AS. My son, my eldest now 24, told me he was having tests so I looked into it and wow what an eye opener. I thought my father was just a cold callous man who drank too much but I now know his AS was very strong and thats how he tried to cope particularly in his later life. I havent told my parents yet...I dont think they'd really get it. Fortunately my sister does.

I'm self employed and really struggling with this downturn. My problem is putting myself forward, like you I have to be invited into the conversation. Most of the time I just stay quiet. I am so fearful/shy. Doing things for other people somehow is easy, doing things for myself is really problematic for me. I can usually cope one on one but any group situations i find very hard. Also if I know people are being judgemental.

This whole thing is very strange. i've spent years doing all those holistic things...yoga, tai-chi, shiatsu and Zen, also marriage and divorce!!, in an effort to understand myself, to try and come to terms with my Strangeness and then suddenly some things are starting to fit.

Anyway i'm starting to ramble too..its a strange world MrB but dont forget your biggest weakness is your greatest strength.

Good luck