MrB

I am so glad to read your post. I have found problems with many things increase in the past couple of years (I am 45) Bear in mind I was a very sozzled alcoholic for most of my adult life, and perhaps this numbed me (I was up to two bottles of whisky a day). Since becoming 'sober' or with the advance of years, I do not know which pertains, things like water, washing, noisies, textures, heights, spatial awareness have become increasingly worse. I can only assume that as i was constantly drunk for many years, I previously put this down to being drunk. As a child I went from no fears of anything, or particular problems with space or stumbling to acute ones as a teenager, so I am not sure if this is solely related to my suspicion of having Asperger's or not. I cannot recall how I felt about other environmental things (except clothes I suppose), but to me as a kid, I assumed everyone felt exactly like me anyway. I had no very great cognisance then of how differently other people felt.

You are not alone, I feel that way nearly all the time, I go from being unable to speak to anyone at all to utterly all over them. Both myself and father have a very strong tremour in the hands, and i am a bag of nerves all the time, and the only thing I can put it down to is I am constantly trying to do the right thing but constantly feel I am doing the opposite. It is honestly a good thing to give yourself space, time and permit mistakes, I have to do this exercise all the time. Just shut down if you need to, be a good friend to yourself and be aware others makes mistakes too. no-one has a complete textbook on life, not even the ones who seem to sail through it. This is only my way of coping you understand, it might not be the best advice.

Gosh you ARE going through a time of it. You have done so many positive things, remember that and I can fully understand, as I am roughly in the same boat. I haven't told my suspicions to any of my family yet. If you feel that potentially you have Asperger's is helping you undertand things better and helping you cope and progress, you are no charlatan, you are doing the best you can. Far better that than feeling rudderless. It's all new to me in only the past week, but trust me, whether the outcome is am or am not on the spectrum, feeling it could be so is giving me so much strength to cope better. And remember this, a charlatan would not be going to job interviews and being positive. Keep your head high.

I think it could be something we do. I picked up my vocabulary and a lot of accent from listening to Radio 4 as a teenager, however I also spoke like my peers (although in an extreme manner). To this day I flip between a strange accent (I know its strange 'cause it baffles people) and local accent. It depends on who I talk to. However, neither are entirely successful as elements of each impose and jar on the other, thus giving me a very odd accent and way of speaking. Only now do I accept that this was due to me trying on different accents for size as it were and mimicking everything around me. I will often start mimicking the sound of whoever I am speaking to (especially if they have a marked manner that appeals to my brain), very unconscious of it till it becomes too apparent. If I stop it will resurface in later conversations, sometimes years later. I know it is odd sounding, but find it hard to control.

I also find that I have to think very hard about situations which non-autistic people manage innately, so I am spending a lot of energy on "normal" tasks I so concur with that, I think of all the things that has made me feel different it is that. I can deal with some things people find truly impossible, but what they deal with every day amazes me... I used to think it was, on my part laziness or lack of interest or something, but Aspergers makes it clearer to me what it is. My mum visited today and I was so tempted to share with her my thoughts, but I am not sure yet. Although I HAVE a feeling she will be more than sympathetic when she thinks back on my past, a lot of my behaviour as a child was odd. Very odd. Back then no-one really thought about it further than - what a funny boy, gifted, but funny. One that sticks in my mind is when I said in my usual candour I thought the world was made up of doers and observers and I had a strong feeling I was an observer. She went ape. I now know why I said it, it was because I felt so alien to others and was seeking a rational explanation for my inability to connect. That candour has got me into a lot of trouble. When asked a question, even to this day, try as I might, I can only respond exactly as I see it. Hate it when folks ask me what I think of their new clothes, car, or whatever. I dont know why I cant control that candour, surely if I recognise it I could? I'd be interested to hear if you do that too - I turn it into humour, but I am sure not everyone sees it as funny, I am on JSA at the moment. Can I just say just now it is amazing to speak with others like yourself, I feel so much better about myself already, for the past month or so I have been truly at my wits end.

To be honest smiley a lot of those terms overwhelm me at the moment, I do know I am probably about the most anxious person I know :-) Everything gives me pause for thought, and not always with results. I haven't been on medication for a long time for depression, I tend to shun thinking that way. My dependency on alcohol was horrific. I took a seizure nearly four years ago and have never felt 'right' since that, it has baffled the NHS and myself, but what I do feel is that my problems (as I see it now) have intensified since that seizure, I do not know ifthat is related or not. Suffice to say my involvement with the NHS has not always been productive for me. I've been in touch with NAS and am awaiting a response from them I am feeling altogether more positive now I know of Aspergers than I have for a long time. I have a very strong sense of 'beating this thing' whenever I have a condition. Now I know a lot of the inexplicable could be explained, it strengthens my resolve to do something positive. I have gone from having the blues to clinical depression in the past twenty odd years or more, but many factors could have played into that. Many thanks for your help here, you are helping me more than you will know.

I can understand that. Myself, it's swimming in natural places that freaks me out, I'll do it, but I actually hate it. The feeling of wet pebbles and sand underfoot freaks me. Dry sand and pebbles, no problem, wet EEEEK..

Thanks again for your reply, I had shivers reading what you wrote. It's spooky and alien to me to hear someone totally understand what I am saying. In hindsight I think perhaps my father could be autistic. He has problems with emotions (he never expresses any other than agitation), but we put that down to his experiences in war zones as a young man. He can sympathise with one aspect of mine - anxiety. I was totally shocked when he understood that. It seemed so out of chartacter for him to understand that. I sometimes feel he knows more about me than I do myself. But it is not his way to discuss things deeply, idle chatter, analysis, gossip - way off his radar.

THanks indeed for your response, it is comforting to know someone else chimes with all of this. I am actually not angry about it at all, it is a bit of a relief to be able to put a name to it, or at least to explain what all my frustrations are coming from (I get angry at myself all the time) I've suffered from bouts of depression (at various extremes) since I was a teenager. The alcoholism helped me mask myself as I could blame the alcohol for my 'eccentricities' and verbosity (I can see that now with remarkable clarity) I do know that I can come across as extremely immature and naive and probably am. I never feel like I have progressed emotionally at all sometimes, and I know my family think of me as an ageing teenager. I am now more or less teetotal, altough I can fall off the wagon now and then, so I am noticing myself a lot more clearly than I used to. Which sounds odd I know, but in recent times a few things I have heard people say either to me or through others, I realised there were big issues there with my perception of myself. An awareness of others and their perceptions has made me more self aware.

It doesn't happen all the time but when it does it is vile. Now and then I find the sensation of water on my fingers (especially when bathing or washing myself) utterly horrible. I've always had this. but I am noticing it more now as I get older. Is this common? I have a great deal of sensitivity to pain that I suppress more these days as I have taken up outdoor pursuits and getting chafed, cut and bruised is much more common now, so wonder if that is why i am noticing the water thing more?

I was the same as a child. I wore my school uniform constantly because I felt secure in it - it felt 'right'. I never even took the tie off, because that felt totally incorrect and even 'wrong'. My family still tease me about that to this day. I hated new clothes with a passion, even if they were okay (then as now, some clothes look disgusting to me). I remember the only time my granny lost her cool with me was after a hour of trying persuade me to wear a new coat. I actually enjoy buying new clothes now - BUT they have to be 'right'. I rarely see something that does not offend me, but if I do I am happy to wear it. However, I rarely wear anything bought for me, I don't know why. Maybe that could be a clue? Ask him to buy his own clothes? I still to this day will wear the same outfit for days on end though and have a shirt I bought way back in 1989 that I still prefer to anything else since.

Yes, shopping, gosh I know what you mean. I have a routine, or rather, will find myself falling into a routine even if I purposefully make a change. If I get a notion for something then for weeks on end I'll buy that. So I will have the same things for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (It's good if I get a notion for healthy stuff I guess) but I know now how odd it must seem to others. But as I never eat in company, it doesn't bother me. Same with clothes, I have VERY fixed ideas about clothing, these days most clothes look positively disgusting too me, some articles are so repulsive I feel sick looking at them. So a clothing decision is hell for me in one way but easier in others. My decision making skills outwith my obsessive likes and dislikes though are hellish. I get in a real quandry where there is no clear distinction. For example I like tea and coffee. I've seen me explode at myself trying to decide what to have. Funny really.

Hi, I don't know if I should post this here or in the post adolescent forum but here goes. I only recently (in the past week) have found out what Asperger's is and I have been shocked to find it chimes with my life so far (I am a 45 year old male). Things like the inability to stand certain noises (a particular engine noise from one of our local buses makes me violently ill) to the inability to read other's intentions and therefore I must appear odd to them as I will only speak to somone if I am definitely sure they want my company. I detest imposing myself on people, even in ordinary 'normal' discourse and always need invited into a conversation. I also have obsessions with certain things that I now can see from others' perspectives as 'odd'. The one that gets me is my ability to detect certain noises others can't, yet inexplicably, I struggle to hear conversation in a room of more than three or four people - it drives me insane, I rarely come away anything other than frustrated or seeming to be distant and boring. I am also clumsy, and if agitated bump into walls, doors, or walk through the wrong doors if I manage to avoid the blessed things. :-) I cannot dance to save my life, and from video shots I am aware I have a very 'gauche' gait and manner. There are so many other things, (too many to keep on listing here) that I have read about Aspergers and my reaction has been - oh, I do that. I did some online tests and was astonished at the numbers. So I am fairly if not very convinced I have Asperger's and in a way it has been a relief. I always knew I was 'odd' in some way and as I get older, my oddness is magnified in relation to others. I am constantly amazed by things like - how do people get cars and houses and seem to be so 'aware' all the time. Their lives seem so opposite to mine I feel totally alien. I used to think it was my social politics, but now feel I use them to mask my inabilities. That's been a bit long winded , what I would like to ask is: where should I go from here? I feel I want to 'come out', start all over again and 'get it right' as much as possible. I have only one close friend but I am afraid he will be sick of me coming to him with 'yet another problem' as he has his own problems at the moment. My only other close friends are really my mum and dad, but I am terrified of their reaction, or of hurting them. Oh and one more concern that is surfacing (and what drew me to the self analysis that has resulted in finding out about Aspergers) is that increasingly I am getting more and more anxious about finding a job. I was lucky for years in that I ran my own business which was initially a very solitary from the top of a tree type of concern but as it grew and more and more people became involved, I went totally to pieces (utterly terrified of so much as an email) , became a nervous wreck, hit the drink and nearly killed myself in the process. Eight months on from giving up the business I am now getting agitated at he thought of meeting new people in new situations. I am not a lazy man and would LOVE to work, but it's meeting people and never knowing quite what to do, or how correctly to do it, that terrifies me beyond belief. Any advice would be appreciated. And apologies for such a long post. There's a million things going around my head right now.