Desperately seeking help

[Obi]

Hi. It has recently to light that I'm suffering with some form of ASD. At 40 I was surprised to have come this far without some form of seroius problem, but after 9 years the strains of on my wife have become too much. It was only until my 6 yr old son became suspected of having ASD that it all fell into place.

 

Me and my son both need help, although fortunately the NHS does provide for him, but having spoken to my GP, it would appear there is little in my area's trust that provides for adults. I am seeking someone, somewhere in Kent that can assess and help me deal with my now apparent problems.

 

My wife is lacking my attention, I'm pretty emotionless and have a very restricted social life. I often misinterpret her requests, most of which are very needy, and I do struggle to talk about emotional subjects with her. She basically feels unloved and unwanted, which I have failed to recognise.

 

My wife is slim, gorgeous, witty, a talented singer and very loving, and I can't think how any woman could be better, and yet I have failed in providing her the attention she deserves. The strain has come to ahead now and she is, understandibly, at the crossroads.

 

I am now fighting for survival and time is not on my side. Any help finding someone will be priceless. Thank you.

Edited October 17, 2009 by Obi

[Jannih]

Hi Obi,

 

Welcome.

 

Sorry to hear about the problems you are having. It's right what you say about the lack of provision for adults, but it is out there, somewhere. Have you contacted the National Autistic Society ? They will give you names of specialists in your region who specialise in diagnosing adults. From what I understand, most of it is private, so expect to pay anything between £200 - £1000. If you want to go down the NHS route then there is the Maudsley Hospital Behavioural Genetics Dept. which is very near the Kent borders. The Maudsley will only take on those who have been referred by a psychiatrist/ psychologist via their GP.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult, diagnosed with Asperger's a couple of years ago aged 25. For me, the diagnosis has been really important in enabling me to sort things out in my life - but I have had to do this by myself, there is no post-diagnosis support for adults. You may find that having a formal diagnosis is not actually necessary in helping you sort out your relationship issues.

 

As your wife learns more about ASD, she may understand more and more why you haven't understood what she wants. As you learn more about ASD, you will understand more about what makes you different and the difficulties you face. This could help you and your wife meet each other half-way and learn new ways to communicate your needs to each other.

 

A relationship counsellor may be helpful. Relate apparently have a number of counsellors with a good understanding of ASD and how it can affect relationships.

 

There is a book that you and your wife might find helpful. It is Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford. As well as the obvious, it also looks at the different ways undiagnosed adults can present.

[Obi]

Thanks for that Jannih. I shall contact them and see what prevails. Tally I shall be getting that book.

 

Many thanks to the both of you.

[baddad]

Hi Obi -

I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh or blunt. I hope you'll appreciate it's not intended to be either of those things - just honest.

Reading between the lines of your post it seems to be saying that you have been treating your wife quite inconsiderately for a number of years, and she has now decided enough is enough and you have entered a defence of autism to explain/justify your behaviour(?). I'm really sorry, but it doesn't sound to me as though autism is the reason for your wife's unhappiness.

I'm assuming that at some point you didn't behave in that way towards her (otherwise it seems inconceivable that the relationship would have ever evolved to the point that you were married), or that if you did behave in that way her response to that behaviour has changed. If it's a case of the former, then the problem isn't autism - you were behaving appropriately when your relationship began and autism is a lifelong condition; it hasn't evolved post relationship, but the problem behaviours have. If it's a case of the latter, then the change has more to do with the evolving expectations of your wife, and while autism may have something to do with why you can't 'live up' to those expectations it is not the direct cause for her unhappiness, or your 'fault'.

The feelings your wife has expressed are certainly not exclusive to or indicative autism: feeling unloved, and unwanted and frustrated with an unattentive partner are the kind of emotions that marriage guidence counsellors hear every day, and describe exactly the kind of 'differences' between men and women that sell millions of self-help/cod psychology books every year.

Believe me, I'm not underestimating the problems in your relationship or trying to suggest that seeking more information about your (possible? - it's not clear in your post whether you have been diagnosed or not) dx wouldn't be beneficial; but I am saying that if you project the 'blame' for those problems directly onto autism then you're probably on a hiding to nothing. In the simplest terms, if the real problem is your behaviour, then autism or no you have to address that behaviour. If it is your wife's general disillusionment with the relationship or changed expectations regarding the relationship then you both have to look at whether, realistically, the relationship can be rebuilt or remodelled in a way that provides for both your needs.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

BD

Edited October 17, 2009 by baddad

[Obi]

I can understand your reasoning Baddad, but there is some underlying factors that have played a part, especially early on in the relationship. Prior to meeting my wife, I'd had a car accident that forced me to wear some less than attractive facial prosthetics, which made me a recluse for the best part of three years. So when someone comes along and shows me attention, I felt the novelty overriding everything else. Even then, though, she suspected I wasn't the average Jo and portrayed what she thought were funny quirks.

 

Right up until this very day my love has never wained but throughout our relationship I have always misread her needs and behaved in a typically Aspergers fashion with regard to my interests, social life, interaction, sensory abilities and limitations etc, etc, etc.

 

Most people that know me, especially my colleagues, admit that I do exhibit strange qualities and they don't live with me.

 

I'm not looking for excuses, I am needing to know why I behave the way I do, and having read about the subject it would seem an assessment is needed. Nothing may come of it, but ignoring the issue will solve nothing.

 

"How are you feeling?" is often asked by my wife. "What's the question?" is my answer.

"What do think about this?" is another. My reply "I don't know your asking".

I need to know how to understand what she wants.

 

At worst, understanding why some have difficulty in reading emotions and body language and expressing oneself can only help. Frankly, I know I love my wife, I just don't know how to behave accordingly.

 

 

[smiley1590]

this website link may help you information:

 

http://www.asperger-marriage.info/

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126

 

good luck

take care

XKLX

[Delyth]

Hi Obi

 

My husband was diagnosed at the NAS Elliot House centre... might be called the Lorna Wing centre now, but you'll find it on the NAS site. Lucky for you - it's in Kent. We live in East London and the centre is one of our closest places. This was three years ago when he was 45 years old. The NAS also provided us with a list of qualified professionals with experience of diagnosing AS and I think I remember that there was one or two in Kent? Our LA funded his diagnosis and also is currently funding counselling with an experienced counsellor - not in our area neither! Am happy to give more details if needed.

 

Getting a diagnosis definitely helped rescue our marriage - we could begin to understand why his behaviour was, on too many occasions, at odds with being the caring and loving man we knew he was.

 

I think your examples of the kind of communication breakdown that occurs between you and your wife is highly observant. The fact that you have this awareness means that you both will be able to understand each other in time and rebuild your marriage.

 

Good luck and best wishes

 

Delyth

[Obi]

Thanks for all the advice. I've decided to seek a private practitioner vis the NAS as I fear the waiting list on the NHS could be a long one. Having had to wait months for a physio, the waiting list for Asperger's assessment will probably be longer as the NHS seem to consider it non-essential for adults. Even my own GP, who is generally very good, is unsure on how to start things rolling.

 

As said before, time is everything.

[Obi]

I afraid it's too late. But that's not going to stop me perservering and helping my son. Thanks for all the advice I'm sure I will benfit from it.

[Lifevoyager]

Obi- I'm really sorry to hear that, maybe things can be resolved? All the very best whatever happens- let us know how you get on.