help please!!

[jan66]

i was awoken last night to the sound of my son 19yrs sobbing, it is now o4.12 in the morning out of my mind with worry, my son has been recently diagnosed with aspergers after 10 yrs of many gp appointments this is the second time in two weeks i have been woken up in the early hours to my son in this state , he is tall handsome extremely intelligent,plays both acoustic and electric guitar, may i also say he is self taught, and plays them both outstandingly, he is currently studying music at college, and passed with distinction in his first year. i was woken up to my son calling out for me, to my horror he was stood over the kitchen sink, my first reaction was that he was being sick, as i looked down i saw the carving knife!!! my son had cut open one of his wrists!! he had been out earlier in the evening , and i had been led to beleive he was meeting a friend,they were going to play pool and he would be home by 10.30 ish, i dropped him off and asked him who he was meeting, truth of the matter was he met no one!! but decieded to go to a pub where i think his aim was to meet someone , anyone that would be a friend. my mind is reeling as a parent, not sure whether this is aspergers related?? my son has never been able to keep any friends, even as a really young child he always struggled and would prefer to stay home with me, raising my second son has been really really difficult for me ,as a mum you notice other children and their behaviour, and my sons was always' different' as i said has always struggled with keeping friends, i dont know what goes wrong, but they come and go, come and go, to now where the position is that he has no friends outside college, he sits in his room for weeks days, alone and has no social life at all, it breaks my heart as a mum, i dont know what to do anymore, at present he has been diagnosed with depression and is currently taking medicine for that, his mood swings are terrible one day he can be as high as a kite wanting to chat, usually on days like that his speech is so fast i often have to get him to repeat whats been said as i carnt always catch what he says, and then we have weeks of him not talking at all will not engage in conversation at all. my son is so so unhappy and i feel so helpless, my mind is bursting with anxiety and worry , my days are consumed with thoughts only for him, is he having a good day? is he alone at college? please let him come home smiling? my son very rarely smiles and never has, when he does i feel happy . anyone???????

[smiley1590]

i can personally relate to how your son feels i also have depression and AS and every day seems like a battle ground with yourself ,your mood up and downs it brings and also AS and you get very worn down and frustrated about the whole i think it is linked to AS what he going through sounds MH so good that diagnosed depression and he's on meds

 

has he ever done anything like that before self harm? etc

 

i feel high talk fast then drop very low crashing so ( bit like biploar moods in a way) in that aspect i struggle keep friends which part of having AS that so hard to handle and cope with especially when not feeling the best in yourself! i have done what your son did and more! and you have to be in desperate urgent state of mind to feel like you want to do hurt yourself that much! you point blame towards yourself for having AS and depression but keeps going round in a circle never stoppping it mad confusing you feel so lost within the world so out of control like you understand nothing about who and what you are in life and where you belong fit in and are accepted within society eyes of 'normal' so difficult to accept you have this with you all time and can't do anything about it! depresses you even further! my mum felt just the same 'don't know what to do' stage

 

i had that before meeting up with college friend at pub and let me down that hurts so deep and you feel personally attacked and betrayed really lowers self-confidence /esteem and makes more hard to get back up from knock backs and try again as want to feel safe and protected reassured you won't be in same situation again

 

does he get anxious when socialising at all? if so and the preferring to stay at home when younger could possibly be social anxiety disorder (social phobia) ever heard that pyschological condition before? maybe get hime to join AS social group if is one your area you have to check it out or parent support group which may help you with helpless and despair could help share advice etc ???

 

he sits in room alone for different reasons 'mixed' together to make one situation his depression make him less socialable and want to be in the room to make conversations etc also his AS and maybe social anx too?

 

i would keep a eye on mood keep a record of this , if meds are working or not if not may have to change to different type and also maybe getting him keep diary this help me loads 'clear my head' when depressed as sometimes feel we have to 'bottle it up'inside as this can make depression worse! i know from experience on that last one!

 

look out any more secret hidden signs of self-harm as once done once can become 'addictive body hormone drug' as can become hooked so easy to ease the head pain of depression

 

does your son recieve any MH help and support at all or for his AS needs he has? has other mood disorders been looked into like biploar?

 

hopes this helped in you some way!

 

take care

 

XKLX

[Mandapanda]

Hi jan66

 

What an awful experience.

 

As your son has been recently diagnosed, it may be that his head is all over the place. Maybe he feels that now he knows what is wrong he can overcome it, but of course it is not that easy.

 

19 is a very difficult age, I would imagine, to find out you have Asperger's and the realisation of how different you really are to 'most' people.

 

I know that the official line of psychiatric nurses it to try to do something less harmful than cutting, eg. snapping an elastic band on your wrist, or using ice cubes. Obviously you want him to stop completely, but he may not be able to straight away without professional help and support. You should suggest he sees the doctor and gets referred to the local Mental Health Team.

 

I know myself that getting a diagnosis for my son did not mean a support system kicked into place, you will have to push to get more help and support for your son but, unfortunately, at his age he has to want and agree to that help, and professionals will be limited in what they can talk to you about without his permission.

 

I would suggest you read up and find out as much as you can about Asperger's. Anything by Tony Attwood will give you a full and positive picture of the condition. Also if there is a local support group, this may help you even if he is not willing to come along.

 

Good luck <'> <'> <'>

[Teresa]

Hi Jan66

 

Sorry to hear you and your son are having such a tuff time, I really hope he get's the help that he need's soon, must be a very worrying time for you.

 

Take care <'>

[Kathryn]

Hi Jan,

 

This is a very distressing thing for a parent to witness. I saw the results of my daughter's self harm too. If there is one positive thing in all this, your son called out to you for help and did not hide what he had done. This does not necessarily indicate suicidal thoughts, but it's important that he gets professional help as Mandapanda has said. His GP will be the first point of contact: maybe you have already made an emergency appointment.

 

Below are links to organisations which support young people with issues such as depression and self harm, you might find some of them useful.

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=18801

 

You say he has recently been diagnosed with AS: that may have thrown him into turmoil, even if he was prepared for it. he is having to reassess his view of himself and may need some professional help in coming to terms with this. You also mention that he is bright and performing well at college: perhaps he is slipping under the radar as a result, as his tutors may not realise he has any problems, or needs any support. Is there some kind of personal tutor or mentor he could talk to?

 

Being a parent (and the entire support network) of an adult in crisis can be lonely and draining - make sure you take care of yourself too and book yourself an appointment with your GP too if necessary. We're here to listen too.

 

K x

 

 

[jan66]

dear all , thankyou for your kind thoughts and messages, i am awaiting a call of the mental health team this morning, and im just hoping that the help and support that is needed has finally arrived, to my horror i had to wait for 24hrs for a call confirming that they actually were going to come, i havnt slept in days , afraid to i think, i think finally knowing that my son has aspergers has really hit him hard , even though i think somewhere he must feel some kind of relief that he now knows why he acts and feels the way he does.,his college tutors are all aware of his problems, i always keep in contact with them, just to ensure sonnys ok. we are one week away from a visit to a consultant physciatrist, so thats a little relief.unfortunately there are no support groups in my area i live in northwest close to a town called preston, i hear the nearest support group is manchester 60miles away!! i know my son has used this forum to try and chat to others like himself, but he says no one replies, i think he was hoping he could maybe find someone to chat to on a one to one kinda thing, like they do on messenger , i am trying to coax him into keep trying and hopefully he will find a connection with someone, maybe close to where we live, male or female would be nice then maybe he wouldnt feel so alone, once again ty so much to all, your comments are helping me greatly x

[Kathryn]

Hi Jan

 

I merged your two topics together, in case you're wondering where the latest one went!

 

Glad to hear your son is on the road to getting some support. Sorry to hear he didn't find friendship through this forum as he was expecting. Although people are friendly here, sometimes it takes a while for people to know each other well. As you say, somewhere that he can chat on a 1-1 basis might suit him best. I think the NAS run an email befriending scheme: is this something he could explore?

 

One other idea - as he's musical, maybe joining something like a choir or singing group or theatre company or band might help him to meet people in a structured setting and give him an outlet for his talents? Apologies if you've already thought of and discarded this idea - it may not be his idea of a good time at all. I'm just thinking of my own daughter who finds it difficult to meet people but has just started going to a local choir once a week, as she has a passion for singing. She enjoys the rehearsals and is slowly getting to know people but is not in a situation where she's forced to chat the whole time.

 

If anyone lives in or near Preston and knows of any support networks Jan's son could try, please let her know.

 

K x

 

 

 

 

[jb1964]

Hi Jan,

 

It has taken me a while to re-read through your post as I cannot stop the tears falling. I feel so much for both you and your son. My daughter is 16 on anti-depressants and just started college. She is so so desperate also for company and feels very lonely. She very often tells me when she's very sad how a 'failure' she is - that she can't even commit suicide properly because she is so afraid - she has hurt herself many many times and we too feel helpless.

 

My daughter also is a high achiever and anime art is her passion but I would swap it all in an instant for her to wake up each morning with a smile on her face.

 

How long has your son been on the anti-depressants? we saw the consult. last week who told us that unfortunately, they do have side affects such as impulsive and/or aggressive thoughts.

 

I hope with all my heart that he finds something to lift his day soon. I notice you mention messenger etc - I'm also hoping eventually my daughter will use a chat forum or something - at the moment she will just read and won't actually post.

 

Take care, chin up and thinking of you both,

Jb x

 

 

 

[jan66]

hello, ty for sharing your thoughts , reading your reply also really upset me too, does your daughter also have as? it is the most awful thing to witness as a parent, to find your child hurting themselves, im so afraid like you worryng, that this could happen again,reading your mail you have witnessed this many times, i hope like me you receive some help and support and also your daughter too , like me i think you would want nothing more than your daughter to be happy doing normal teenager things and enjoying life. The saddest thing i find is that someone has to do something like this, to make people sit up and listen. My son is now receiving support of our local mental health crisis team, and someone is also coming to see me tomorrow to offer some support and advice . Please take care of yourself and your precious daughterx and ty for your reply

[Feather]

dear all , thankyou for your kind thoughts and messages, i am awaiting a call of the mental health team this morning, and im just hoping that the help and support that is needed has finally arrived, to my horror i had to wait for 24hrs for a call confirming that they actually were going to come, i havnt slept in days , afraid to i think, i think finally knowing that my son has aspergers has really hit him hard , even though i think somewhere he must feel some kind of relief that he now knows why he acts and feels the way he does.,his college tutors are all aware of his problems, i always keep in contact with them, just to ensure sonnys ok. we are one week away from a visit to a consultant physciatrist, so thats a little relief.unfortunately there are no support groups in my area i live in northwest close to a town called preston, i hear the nearest support group is manchester 60miles away!! i know my son has used this forum to try and chat to others like himself, but he says no one replies, i think he was hoping he could maybe find someone to chat to on a one to one kinda thing, like they do on messenger , i am trying to coax him into keep trying and hopefully he will find a connection with someone, maybe close to where we live, male or female would be nice then maybe he wouldnt feel so alone, once again ty so much to all, your comments are helping me greatly x

Hi there, I am new to the forum. I have a 15 year old son who has just been diagnosed as being on the Autistic spectrum, in May of this year. It has been a long and hard battle to get to the point of diagnosis. My heart goes out to you and your son. I hope this information is of some help, there is a branch of the National Autistic Society recently been set up in Preston. You can contact them by email preston@nas.org.uk I am now a member of the National Autistic society and their support and help has been invaluable to us as a family. At least it would be a starting point for you, to find out about services in your area. x