Hello everyone

[kerryt84]

Hi everyone,

 

My name is Kerry and I am 25 years old. I live in Hertfordshire and I am a primary school teacher. I have known I was not like most other people since my childhood and particularly struggled through my teens. I was bullied throughout school as I didn't fit in and said and did things that were not deemed appropriate. Other things also went wrong for me during my teen years and I ended up on anti depressants and seeing various psychiatrists. I was diagnosed with OCD at about 19, but suffered with it the most as a child. I wish I had got help sooner but my mum didn't believe me when I told her (although I resent her for this I now see that it is because I believe she also suffers from it).

 

It was only 3 or 4 years ago that I read something about aspergers and I knew straight away that was what I had. I went to my GP but he told me not to be so silly. At the time I had the impression doctors were always right and because I had only just found out about aspergers I thought maybe he was right. Since then my life has got steadily harder, due to advancing through my career, moving out of home and being in a serious relationship. I am going to my new GP on Wednesday to seek a diagnosis again, but this time I am taking a whole load of evidence with me that I have collected, so I don't see how they can disagree. Even though from the outside my life seems to be going very well and I have everything I could want, on the inside I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown (I am in tears just writing this) and simple things in life are so difficult.

 

I won't list all my difficulties as that would take a while, but here are some of the main ones. My life is based around rules and routines, and I can't cope with even small changes. I need plenty of advanced warning before social occasions to prepare myself and need time after to recover. I wouldn't be desribed as shy, but it takes all my energy and effort to 'perform' on social occasions. I suffer severe anxiety and have developed very bad IBS because of it, which in itself affects my life a lot. I have lots of sensory issues, the worst probably being hearing, closely followed by taste, smell and touch. Being a teacher, I love working with children, but I find the adults so hard to deal with. Often I am reduced to tears (not in front of them though) because I can't communicate with them in a way I would wish. I also find being in a relationship very hard. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half and have lived together for nearly 8 months. He knows I find it hard to communicate certain things and that I have quite a few odd behaviours, but I haven't mentioned aspergers to him, fearing his reaction. I find it almost impossible to verbally express my feelings and any advice on strategies to use for this would be much appreciated. I use a little flip book with my boyfriend that has a different feeling picture on each page, but I still have the trouble of answering his question 'why do you feel like that?'

 

Most people on this forum seem to have children with AS but I would love to find someone to talk to who is a partner of someone with AS.

 

Thanks, Kerry.

[smiley1590]

hey kerry i have AS , and MH probs linked with that like yourself i have officially diagnosed with depression at 14 years old and was on anti-depressants prozac also had anger ,aggression and violence probs at around 16 years old and was put on anti-pyschotic risperdal (risperdone) i also have other conditions dyspraxia and social anxiety disorder i also have undiagnosed anxiety i suffer with anxiety attacks when stressed out. my moods are everywhere alot of the time one minute i'm hyper next minute deep crashing low so difficult to manage successfully i was also more recently on other anti depressant a newer one mirtazapine a high dose 45MG i stopped suddenly when mood dropped as had alot go wrong this year which hasn't helped my situation personally.

 

i been in one serious relationship but got taken for a mug really! he lied toe me hurt me used me and looked out for his own needs (selfish) i had general counselling which then i was referred to Complex Difficulties Clinic within CAMHS when 14 years old as i was socially withdrawn anxious and depressed always felt somewhat 'different' to others my mates my peers everyone around me but couldn't put into words exactly the education system negatively labelled me let me down didn't support at all or help matters get any better as i was bullied infants part was only place i felt 'safe' as a child in juniors that when i became they picked out me as i was 'weak' didn't stand up for msyelf got trode on basically i was an 'outcast' who was a loner on the playground 'black sheep' my only protectors i had was 2 dinnerladies at lunchtime i'd talk to as felt comfortable more being around adults i didn't have the turmoil surrounding me the confusion and frustration the vulnerability .

 

i from CAMHS at 16 was told i had to be referred to adult MHT where again i had negative experience/situation where felt wasn't being heard that my pyschtrist didn't understand and get both AS and MH probs together he seemed make me feel so 'small' like i didn't matter and was in the sessions very long and felt like i was being picked on judged which in turn lowered my low self -esteem so decided to leave as i felt more depressed and suicidal than ever after going there. it was same with CAMHS nothing ever improved really with my MH probs i had CBT with clinical pyschlogist ( one of who diagnosed me officially with AS) that only positive benefit to going there finding out about this background thing AS! missing part of me and my life. felt like my life was a complete lie i been living and that was hard to swallow and accept!

 

i also had family therapy with CAMHS social worker working through past issues/situations with my parents especially my mum

 

i had low self esteem which bullies seem to note and target teachers did nothing. i was bullied abit in my seniors school by A gang of 5 lads and a girl they threw my stuff down stairs stole my belongings etc to make me upset and angry they loved it to watch me suffer all way through my SENCO / LS teacher sorted it for me! unlike in juniors school they 'turned a blind eye' didn't want to know me or what was going on for me how they could improve things make things better improved i was so quiet like a mouse i always be affected by it the way i've been treated by them. i'll NEVER forgive them always made excuses even tried to pass blame onto my parents calling my mum ' an overprotective mother who loves the attention it giving her' my mum was disgusted and outraged that such a remark should be made as they've been there helped supported more than anyone else when no-one else would! it's been a real fight/battle to be heard and still feels that way!

 

i get SO worn down and tired of trying to fight it off all the time drags me under i have a mate who has OCD and AS it common to have AS and another factor /MH prob with it linked like OCD as AS itself is very much like in some signs OCD with obsessional topics having constant need for routine and stcrure in obsessional way and obssessive thoughts and behaviours closely with AS

 

i now involved with the NAS - National Autistic Society i have a support plan and 2 support worker (ladies) in which i have 3 times A week twice 2 hrs sessions and one 4 hr session at weekend i have timetable with them and have chosen activities i would like to do in my support plan and go out and do that with them

 

so as you can see i can personally understand you how you feeling your own situation and experiences

 

take care

good luck

XKLX

 

i look into NAS yourself see if you can get some regular help and support in place the NAS can even assess you i'd ring or email them ....... hope things work out for you

 

my auntie and uncle live in hertfordshire lol and my nan used too

 

[smiley1590]

i struggle at work i work part time in nursery and background / level of noise in general can make me inside anxious upset irratated due to my AS sensory issues try best to just carry on but do find it challenging alot of the time .... so get what you mean there too especially when they get so noisy and loud i know they just kids i shout because i find hard to cope and deal with it i find hard to filter speech out of kids if gets above certain level i become unbearable pitch with them screaming it overwhelming and physically hurts my ears grrr... i don't let anyone know like workers boss i find this aspect hard and also having several different instructions told to me and asked at me at once again another AS barrier that i try and overcome on my own i have to get the kid to repeat what they just said as totally just there noise i can hear nothing else no-one speaking so annoying i know my boss knows of my AS and that i find cooking tea very hard so leaving that until done food hygiene course /certificate i set cooker on fire scared me i think also my anxiety comes into it! i panic when put under situation i don't feel comfortable with or confident i hate if routine changes even for day! alot of staff leaving find that hard too! i don't let on about my MH probs depression but sometimes i don't have the energy levels i should have for person my age! due to AS it drains me to point where mentally /emotionally tired all time! i don't sleep well! especially when MH playing up which affects my mood for the day which frustrating!

 

XKX

[kerryt84]

Hi KL,

 

Thanks for your reply. I can relate to you in quite a few ways, it seems you have been quite proactive in getting help. I was put off when my GP told me I didn't have AS, but I am ready to fight now as I know for certain that the average person does not struggle with life like I do. Whether it is AS I can't be 100% sure, but I have a strong feeling it is.

 

I too can be hyper one minute and then utterly depressed the next. Life is so exhausting! My boyfriend always wonders why I get in from work and fall asleep and go to bed at 8pm. He doesn't realise yet that it is because life is so draining. I'm not on any medications at the moment, I'm reluctant because in the past I suffered lots of side effects, but if life carries on like this I may not have a choice.

 

Luckily my boyfriend is very understanding and caring, I feel very lucky to have met him. I feel bad that I have been with him for nearly a year and a half and still have not let on to the full extent of my problems. When I get my referal I will write him a letter as I will need his support at that time.

 

Like you I will never forgive the people that should have helped me when I was growing up. When I was bullied I was told by the head teacher it was because I was jealous of the bullies, that makes me furious. Being a teacher myself now, I come down very hard on any child who is teasing other children. I also look out for children who are considered odd and try to help them.

 

It sounds great having support workers, I feel like I need something like that. I don't know if I would be considered severe enough to get the support though. On the outside I can seem perfectly normal and coping (I have had my whole life to perfect 'appearing' normal and in control). No one can see what is on the inside and I find it very difficult to communicate my struggle with life, I find it a lot easier to just say I am fine.

 

Thanks again, Kerry

 

 

[Teresa]

Hi Kerry,

 

Welcome to the form, my daughter was dx with AS at the age of 10, she's 19 now and I must say having a dx when she was young was helpful, but when she reached 16, we found that there is very little support, maybe that's down to post code lottery not sure. Sound's like you just want to know either way, maybe that will help you put a lot of thing's to bed, so to speak.

 

Good luck

Teresa

[Martin Howe]

Hi Kerry and welcome to the forum.

 

Lack of support for adults in many areas is a big problem but getting a diagnosis can be helpful if only so that one's own efforts can be better directed. Hope it goes well

[Kathryn]

Hi Kerry,

 

Welcome to the forum. I'm in Hertfordshire too.

 

There are quite a number of adults here with AS and some partners of people with AS too so plenty of people to talk to . Good luck with your appointment on Wednesday, let us know how it goes.

 

K x

[Ric]

Hi Kerry and welcome to the forum.

 

Your right. Note all of your past experiences and feelings and present these to your GP. That is precisely what I did and I have a formal diagnosis in February. We share very similar stories and this forum has been a great help to me.

 

Good luck and best wishes. Ric

[bid]

Hi Kerry

 

I'm another woman with a dx of AS, which I got when I was 41!!

 

I can particularly relate to falling asleep when you get in from work. I used to work as day staff at a residential special school, and when I got in after an early shift, so finishing about 4.00, I always fell asleep on the sofa for exactly the reasons you describe. I've since swapped to night staff, which I find suits me much more and is much less stressful from a social perspective.

 

Bid

[smiley1590]

AS often feels like a mood disorder in itself on minute flying high next minute crashing low it so tiring and draining aswell lik bipolar disorder i think that why alot people get misdiagnosed with mental illness alot people i know with AS comment on rapid mood, changes so there must be a MH link somewhere there for everyone to comment about same kinda thing happening to them feelings thoughts etc i had side effects due to anti-depressants on prozac was nausea so had to eat before i took a tablet in morning and last one i took mirtazapine which made me drowsy like a zombie knocked me out made hard to function during the day as if i still groggy sleep! also weight gain!

 

you maybe look into getting NAS assessment then you'll have official diagnosis to get help and support you SO need i look 'physically normal' and 'in control' but emotionally/mentally a wreck inside i think again alot of AS people seem to be like this most time it's pretence an act like a clown when struggling to cope we just try and get through whatever happens try not to slip up!

 

do you have MSN or facebook so we can chat and share our life experience's /stories in abit more length and detail .....

 

XKX

[smiley1590]

you sound depressed? have u looked at the sign see if you are? if you have diagnosed OCD i assuming you get anxious state alot of time?

 

 

[Juno20]

Welcome to the forum kerry.

 

I am also an as yet undiagnosed female who has recently been refered by my GP.

 

My boyfriend does know i am waiting to be diagnosed as he was the one who suggested i had aspergers in the first place. Unfortunatly for me this seems to have made things worse for me as now he just won't accept any of my wierd behaviours and says i should try harder to not let AS affect me. I'm glad to hear your boyfriend seems to be a little more inderstanding so should hopefully help you as much as he can if you do discover you have it.

 

Good luck with getting a Dx

[dana]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

danaxxx