A 'BEING DIFFERENT' CLASS DISCUSSION

[cmuir]

Hi

 

When I got in from work, my son told me that the class had a visitor in today to talk about being different, epilepsy and Aspergers. Told me that he was brave and put his hand up when the class were asked if anyone has Aspergers. When I asked a question, he clammed up and said it was just a joke. It's incredibly difficult to work out how much or how little is true and he has a social story on fact and fiction. When I told him that jokes were things that people find funny, however, I did not find this funny and so it wasn't a joke. He got really angry and stormed off, so I'm none the wiser now.

 

If what he says is true, I'm furious mainly because I wasn't extended the courtesy of some kind of discussion taking place with me in advance, and that attention has been drawn to my child (he's in a mainstream school BTW) and what that could mean in future. I actually think it's good to teach kids that everyone is different and that some people have difficulties, etc. However, I'm upset that potentially this could open kiddo up to bullying.

 

I intend to speak to staff in the morning (I know I'll get little sleep tonight as I'm so wound up!) calmly and firstly ascertain whether there's any truth in this, and if so, how much, how the discussion was approached and where it progressed.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

Caroline.

 

 

[Kazzen161]

I would find out the facts first - it may be that it was a standard part of PSHE or that she was there because of a child with a different disability - it may have been by chance that the AS bit came out.

 

If it was done with your son in mind, then yes, they should have discussed it with you first.

[Tally]

It sounds like a strange thing for him to make up. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable telling you about it and wanted to stop you asking questions. Asking the school about it seems a good idea, because maybe something happened that he is upset about.

[Sally44]

Talk to school about it first to establish the facts.

It maybe that HE needs to talk to someone about 'being different' and what that means for him and how AS affects him. He obviously knows (whether he worked it out or was told), that he is different. And never under estimate what they can understand and do recognise about themselves. It is so much better to know the reason for why something is difficult for you. And also to have all the good bits pointed out as well. Otherwise they make their own judgements about why they are different and it usually involves thinking they are bad, or stupid, or a loser etc.

[cmuir]

Talk to school about it first to establish the facts.

It maybe that HE needs to talk to someone about 'being different' and what that means for him and how AS affects him. He obviously knows (whether he worked it out or was told), that he is different. And never under estimate what they can understand and do recognise about themselves. It is so much better to know the reason for why something is difficult for you. And also to have all the good bits pointed out as well. Otherwise they make their own judgements about why they are different and it usually involves thinking they are bad, or stupid, or a loser etc.

 

 

Absolutely. R knows that he has AS and I've explained it as well as I can do. I've also bought some books on the subject and we've sat down together and read them, looking at the negatives, but concentrating mainly on the positives. I know for certain that there are 2 other kids in his class with AS whose parents haven't told them that they have AS. Main gripe is that I should have been consulted. I'm also concerned that R was keen to draw attention to himself by volunteering the information without being aware of the possible repercussions and having no concept of privacy, etc. He's a bright lad, but that's the side of things that he doesn't have any concept/understanding of. I've put a note in his diary asking that the school phone me to discuss if such a discussion did in fact take place, how it was approached and what kiddo said/what his perception of it is.

 

C.

[Sally44]

I totally agree with what you are saying. If school have done this without first talking to parents and discussing how to proceed it is only natural that you will have concerns about your son putting his hand up to acknowledge he is different. I doubt they would have done the same thing about other differences. As you say, it could open up an avenue for bullying. It might not. But it should have been thought through about how it would be handled. And it might have been better not to ask anyone to put their hands up. As an adult I would not like to be in a position where I was invited to put my hand up about certain things!

I know that with things like 'circle of friends' the educational psychologist is supposed to work with the small group of children who have been nominated by the teacher and child as willing and able to be in this circle. Then the Ed Psych does talk to those children about differences and will give some details about how the ASD affects the other child. That teaches them how to be in the circle and understand the child. But it is not a whole class thing, and the circle is closely monitored and children in the circle have regular opportunities to discuss any issues that happen during breaktimes etc.

So yes, you are right to be concerned. I would be too.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

UPDATE

 

School have written a note in kiddo's diary saying that there was no mentioned of Aspergers whatsoever. They did in fact have a visitor from Epilepsy Scotland to talk the the kids. I suspect that R simply told fibs (which he's prone to doing!).

 

The joys!

 

C.

[baddad]

Mixed feelings, because while I absolutely agree that if there was a classroom talk about 'difference' every parent should have been informed, my own belief is that any child with AS should know about their diagnosis and I think that the benefits far outweigh the pitfalls of making other students aware of why a child with AS may behave differently - and that, by definition, means being open about those differences with the wider school population. Anyone who feels that a child behaviing in a markedly different way from his peers won't attract attention is deluding themselves, and anyone who believes that discussing the reasons is more likely to attract negative judgements than just behaving differently with no explanation is similarly deluding themselves.

Any autistic child in a mainstream placement achieving mainstream academic goals and not behaving notably differently to his peers sort of begs the whole question of diagnoisis in the first place, IMO(?) Or raises another question about 'mormalisation' and all of the negatives of that.

Not telling a child he/she has autism or expecting the child not to talk about it, IMO, can only have a negative impact on self-esteem because it suggests some sort of 'shameful secret'. I'm not suggesting that every autistic child should be 'loud and proud' or telling everyone at every opportunity about their dx., but if it comes up it's nothing to avoided and 'loud and proud' is certainly preferable to 'silent and ashamed'...

It may be that when he told you he was 'brave and put his hand up' he was seeking reassurance that it was 'okay' to be autistic. Maybe your response told him that it's not, and that's why he felt angry and upset? Maybe he told you it was 'a joke' to cover up that distress and defuse the situation, and you telling him 'jokes are meant to be funny' felt like another thing he'd got wrong, and another reason why he should feel bad about being autistic(?). Maybe he needs people to know he's autistic, so he doesn't feel he has to pretend to be something he's not?

 

However it pans out I hope if the talk did take place that it has a positive outcome for him and that the school, after you speak to them, will acknowledge that every parent should know about talks of this nature beforehand. if you have any influence over the parents of those other two kids, though, try to make the point to them that their kids probably need to know why they are feeling 'different', and that it's not something they need to feel guilty about.

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

Ah - just seen your latest post, which sort of suggests some of those other factors i highlighted mught be relevant.

 

Edited March 16, 2010 by baddad

[cmuir]

i

 

Baddad. Completely agree with most of what you've said. I told kiddo about his disorder as soon as I felt he was old enough to understand. He knows that he's a bit different because there are difficulties that he faces at school which mean he requires additional support (in fact a 1-2-1 LA). His behaviour also draws attention to that fact. I think it's good to be open without shouting from the rooftops in the hope that it not only increases awareness. As a result, I think R is accepted well, despite the fact that he is different – the kids in his class/school have been together for 4 years + now and so a lot of it is to do with acceptance. I've been pleased on occasions that kids have came up to me and asked 'why does R does this?' (talk about nothing but Star Wars endlessly!). I think that's really encouraging and a positive step. Must admit, I'm very proud of R's achievements, just not too chuffed with the fibbing at the mo!

 

Sorry, should have made clear, I responded/was displeased with R because he told me X had happened and then back-tracked, which I explained to him. Also peeved that the school didn't think to discuss things beforehand. We've had lots of problems with kiddo/school because he appears to have issues with perception (or telling lies to be frank!). Kiddo even told his LA that I hit him regularly. Told me that his teacher pushed him. All of which caused a bit of upset (I sat in the car and cried before composing myself to ask HT is she was going to take his allegations seriously - thankfully she said that it's clear there are no such signs, etc and recognises that kiddo has history of telling porkies). Arrrggggggh! R's consultant has noted it down on his file in case the child protection team ever got involved.

 

Very good point that you've made about him needing people to know that he's autistic so he doesn't have to prentend (the fibs were maybe about him considering that, though he didn't actually say it). Hadn't thought of that. Just assumed that on the whole he's accepted, but my guess is that the Epilepsy discussion was an opportunity whereby he felt he could have taken centre stage.

 

School have opted to ignore my request that they phone me about the class discussion, opting instead to write a short and sweet note saying that it was about epilepsy. Shame really, because I actually think it would have been much better to have kept the whole discussion much more general.

 

Already had a 'crack' at chatting to the two parents. I arranged a mums' night out. They seem to think ignorance is bliss. Sad really because I do think it's important to be as open and honest with kids as possible in an age-appropriate way. Perhaps a crazy analogy, but I'm guessing it may be a bit like finding out later in life that you're adopted - about feeling you don't quite belong and don't know who you are then suddenly you have an explanation. Guess that's mainly why for me, R's diagnosis was so important – it's about acceptance and then helping him to be comfortable with who he is.

 

Caroline.

 

 

[JsMum]

Maybe he did want to express to his friends that he has AS but then got scared incase it made his friends aviod him, maybe he is desperate to be excepted as he is, maybe request some councilling from Autism outreach to do some work and what about a class discussion on Aspergers Syndrome, some of his peers may indeed have siblings with Autism/AS and actually understand more than you would expect.

 

All of Js class knew J was different and when the class had new supply teachers who wasnt aware of Js needs his peers would actually defend J and say to the Teacher J has Adhd and Autism miss, so many of his class peers understood, even though some of the supply teacher didnt so in some situation it was his peers who came to the rescue.x

 

JsMumxxx

 

 

Edited March 16, 2010 by JsMum

[baddad]

Perhaps a crazy analogy, but I'm guessing it may be a bit like finding out later in life that you're adopted - about feeling you don't quite belong and don't know who you are then suddenly you have an explanation. Guess that's mainly why for me, R's diagnosis was so important – it's about acceptance and then helping him to be comfortable with who he is.

 

Caroline.

 

No, not a crazy analogy at all - I think it's a very good one. Another one that occurs would be finding out the person you called 'mum' was actually your gran and your 'big sister' was actually your mum or something like that... you have to wonder whose benefit the 'white lie' was really for, because the only logical outcome for the child when they do find out is a big WTF? moment and a completely unnecessary period of reassessing every aspect of their lives to that point. That said, I think parents can have a tough time coming to terms with a dx too, so it's sort of understandable that they might project their feelings onto their kids and want to protect them from it. Not easy this parenting lark, is it!

 

L&P

 

BD

[Karen A]

Hi.

I only hope that if there is a discussion about AS and your son that school staff display more awareness than some of the staff in contact with Ben.

 

He is 11 and although it is obvious he is different he is becoming more self conscious and aware of the issue of being diffferent to his peers which is not easy.

Last Wedensday after twice attempting to explain to a swimming teacher that he finds a specific stroke difficult because he has AS and dyspraxia Ben was told to use his asthma pump before lessons in future.

Yesterday a teacher leading a class discussion on breast feeding apparently told the class that autism is caused by the use of formula milk.

 

I think that on a Forum where everyone has an interest in ASD it is easy to forgett how little awareness there is out there.

I can understand why Ben would not want to discuss having ASD when he knows that even some of the teachers know very little .

 

Teenagers are also well known for being less than accepting of difference.

Ben is in his second form since starting secondary school due to bullying which is directly related to AS and on Monday at his AR was asking to move again.

 

Karen.

Edited March 17, 2010 by Karen A