Should parents of the children from my son's class know about his ASD?

[dana]

Hi,

yesterday I had the most unpleasant meeting in my son's school about his behaviour. I was personally insulted from one mother who threatened to hit me if my son carry on being bad to her daughter. My son kicked her yesterday during the lunch time. He apologised afterwords but she complained to her mother. It was soooo embarasing and I was very angry at my son but when I asked him why he did that he said that the same girl told him that she would find the way to get rid of him. I asked hm when did she say that and he said 'two months ago'! I told him that his behavior was unacceptable and he was punished.

 

The headteacher tried to calm everybody down but after that mother left she told me that the parents and children should really know about his dx (ASD) so they would understand better (hopefully) why he behaves like that. Today the Autism outreach teacher is coming to his school to give them some advice regarding this.

 

I am not sure if that is a good idea. I haven't told my son yet about his dx (my husband doesn't agree to tell him ) and he shouldn't hear it from the children. He is 10 and was dx last year in November. If I tell him I am not sure how he will take it and wheather it will hold him back.

 

Anyway, is it a good idea to tell the children and the parents of his class?

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks.

 

Danaxxx

[smiley1590]

i think it would create more understanding and awareness and maybe discussions and questions will be raised on how to improve these situations from happening in future i think be positive choice and step to make for everyone involved

 

XKLX

[justine1]

I think you should let the parents know,but not the kids,it can be the other parents choice whether they tell their children or not and how to tell them.To be honest I told some of the mums who had also had enough of my sons behaviour,hoping they would be able to understand,but it didnt make any difference at all,they still see me as a bad parent(even though my other two boys,at the same school, do not behave the same way.)I also told my son about his AS but have not gone into to much detail,he knew before his dx that he was different and always asked what was wrong with him.

 

It would appear your son needs more support in school as well,what about applying for a statement?My son does well academically but socially he has many problems and he was excluded twice before Xmas and now on flexi schooling,so we are waiting for a statutory assesment and hope he will get a statement.

[JeanneA]

I also think you should inform the parents of other children about your child's ASD, if it was my child I certainly would.

[Malcolm Matthews]

Dana,

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for your sour experience with the nasty parent. You didn't deserve that, and I hope you won't let it get you down. She has the problem, not you.

 

With due respect to justine1, here is my suggestion for what to do: tell everyone.

 

Here are a few things to consider:

 

1. Keeping ASD a secret doesn't help anyone.

2. If your son were in a wheelchair, disclosure wouldn't be an issue. You'd talk openly to parents, teachers, and even students about your son's condition and about his need for certain accommodations.

3. Not everyone will be on board right away. But at least they can no longer claim ignorance of your son's diagnosis as an excuse. They'll come around sooner or later. And for those few who don't, they pre-determined to be a problem no matter what happened.

4. What a stress-reliever it will be for you and for your son. (And by the way, if you haven't done so already, please please please talk to your son about his diagnosis! Keeping him in the dark compounds his social issues and yours as well.)

5. Your son's social problems with other students (this girl, in particular), will only get worse if active steps aren't taken.

6. Talking openly about ASD is the hard thing to do, which means it's probably the right thing to do. (If the easy path worked, everyone would take it!)

7. Make this a positive experience! Our kids are different, not defective. There are some things they do really well and some things that give them a whole host of headaches. Which, of course, describes pretty much all of us whether we're on the spectrum or not.

8. The fact that you're in this forum and considering this issue at all already makes you an excellent mum! Never doubt that and don't let anyone tell you different.

 

Remember, though -- these are just suggestions based on my experiences. Obviously, your situation will be different, so you may have to adjust your approach accordingly.

 

I've been through what you're going through. We told my now-eleven-year-old that he had Asperger's when he was about seven. His teachers all know about his condition, he has a full IEP, and most of the kids in his class and neighbourhood families know too. My wife was diagnosed just last year, and it's taken her most of that time to realise all the positives of disclosing her condition to friends and family. Honestly, that diagnosis probably saved our marriage.

 

Best of luck!

 

-- Malcolm

 

www.malcolmmatthews.ca

 

 

 

[justine1]

Dana,

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for your sour experience with the nasty parent. You didn't deserve that, and I hope you won't let it get you down. She has the problem, not you.

 

With due respect to justine1, here is my suggestion for what to do: tell everyone.

 

Here are a few things to consider:

 

1. Keeping ASD a secret doesn't help anyone.

2. If your son were in a wheelchair, disclosure wouldn't be an issue. You'd talk openly to parents, teachers, and even students about your son's condition and about his need for certain accommodations.

3. Not everyone will be on board right away. But at least they can no longer claim ignorance of your son's diagnosis as an excuse. They'll come around sooner or later. And for those few who don't, they pre-determined to be a problem no matter what happened.

4. What a stress-reliever it will be for you and for your son. (And by the way, if you haven't done so already, please please please talk to your son about his diagnosis! Keeping him in the dark compounds his social issues and yours as well.)

5. Your son's social problems with other students (this girl, in particular), will only get worse if active steps aren't taken.

6. Talking openly about ASD is the hard thing to do, which means it's probably the right thing to do. (If the easy path worked, everyone would take it!)

7. Make this a positive experience! Our kids are different, not defective. There are some things they do really well and some things that give them a whole host of headaches. Which, of course, describes pretty much all of us whether we're on the spectrum or not.

8. The fact that you're in this forum and considering this issue at all already makes you an excellent mum! Never doubt that and don't let anyone tell you different.

 

Remember, though -- these are just suggestions based on my experiences. Obviously, your situation will be different, so you may have to adjust your approach accordingly.

 

I've been through what you're going through. We told my now-eleven-year-old that he had Asperger's when he was about seven. His teachers all know about his condition, he has a full IEP, and most of the kids in his class and neighbourhood families know too. My wife was diagnosed just last year, and it's taken her most of that time to realise all the positives of disclosing her condition to friends and family. Honestly, that diagnosis probably saved our marriage.

 

Best of luck!

 

-- Malcolm

 

www.malcolmmatthews.ca

Hi

 

Firstly,my son is six and also knows he has AS,but like I say he knows he is different and accepts it,so I agree 100% that the OP son should know.

Personally I wouldnt tell his friends because they may not understand after all they are 6 and 7 year olds,they may also think its "catchy."I do think if he were 10/11(as the case with the OP son and your child) then YES I would tell his friends or even better allow him to tell them,as most children that age are on the internet and find out information.

 

Again as in my first post I did also say that the OP SHOULD tell the parents,maybe by printing off something from online or requesting leaflets from NAS.I was merely adding my own experience by saying most of the parents at my sons school still are not understanding,that is not to say I regret telling them I am glad they know either way.

 

In the end I think the OP needs to make the decision she feels is right for her son as all children are different.So it is good that she is able to come on here and get more than just one view so she can make an informed decision,just my opinion!

[justine1]

Forgot to add! I think it is also a good idea to point out to the other parents that you dont feel your sons AS is an excuse for his behaviour and that you are trying to get him support.Just a thought

[coolblue]

If you are going to tell other parents you will need to tell your son first. Otherwise the news will get back to him filtered through other parents' understanding.

 

When I told my son (then 9), he said "Oh. You know when they used to build castles, how did they build the drawbridges?"

 

He took it completely in his stride. Discovering later that he had visual and auditory problems that explained his learning difficulties improved his self-esteem no end because he now knew it wasn't because he was stupid/lazy/unmotivated/not concentrating. Well, he often wasn't concentrating, but now we knew why.

 

cb

[scotkaz]

There is a little boy in my grandkids class who has a problem, I do not know what the problem actually is but it was explained to the kids in the class that he had some difficulties and the kids are good with him.

 

The parents were told that sometimes the little boy hits but that the other kids could not hit him back. That was as far as the explanation went.

 

I think the classmates are more understanding than we think and they are only in Primary 3 and have been together since the start.

 

[Sally44]

I think you need to discuss it with the autism outreach teacher and between your husband.

At some point I think your son needs to be told as much as he understands that he has some differences that make some things hard for him and some things easier for him. And you can give him more information as he gets older.

 

The other parent was obviously looking at it from her daughters experience point of view. Her child had been kicked. However she didn't seem to know that her daughter had said something to your son to begin with. WHEN it happened, could also be down to his difficulties. He said two months ago. Does he have a good understanding of time?? It could have been on that day, or the day before or indeed two months ago. My son did a similar thing with pushing a boy off a low wall. He did this because on a different occasion this boy had pushed my son over. So when my son was stood on the low wall and saw this boy walking towards him he reacted as if he was defending himself by pushing the other boy first. School did not understand that. But our children do not always work in everyone elses time scale. It takes them longer to process stuff. My son did not want to be pushed again, and he did not (at that stage) have any of the social skills needed to work out what to do.

 

So what do you (or school) do about it???

 

He definately needs input with social skills in school such as a social use of language group, he needs to be taught to ask an adult for help in the playground, they need structure and adult support in the playground, they need circle of friends or buddying approaches etc etc. He needs the SALT to put together a social communication programme that builds social and play skills. Otherwise your son will react with the only skills he has, which maybe inappropriate. But if he is not taught an alternative whose fault is that??

 

I think you should ask the school SENCO to speak with the mother of this other child and for her to explain the situation about your son's diagnosis, and also that her daughter did begin the scenario. It takes two in my experience. It is not right that you are accosted by other parents.

 

After your discussion with the AOT, then you decide how to proceed.

 

But also keep a close eye on this, because it maybe that this school cannot provide the support and input your child needs in this area, and the LEA may have other more suitable schools. Have you looked into that?

[cmuir]

Hi

 

This is something that I'm unsure about. The thing to remember is that some people simply have no knowledge or understanding of ASDs. That said, there are some who are interested and want to know more, however, the problem can be when there are others who quite simply don't care (and no amount of explaining, etc will change that). I've been in a very similar situation to you several times. I think it's easy for us to put the boot on the other foot (ie think how we'd feel if another child hit/kicked our kids), however, the difficulty is that others don't see if from our point of view - some will still view it as no excuse, blame it on poor parenting, etc etc. That said, you can but try! My view is that the only way to raise awareness is to talk about it. The aim is not to excuse bad behaviour, but rather to ask for tolerance and compassion with something which a child finds difficult ie interacting appropriately with others. The nature of the disorder means that such issues aren't easy to resolve (in fact very difficult), however, tolerance and understanding really helps. I still find that I'm stood on my own in the playground taking R to school. It was hard at first, but now I stand with my head held high. I found that other mum's were very judgemental, if fact, R was actually blamed for a lot of things that weren't his fault at all (made a scapegoat). When approached by negativity, I've always tried to be calm and I think that's paid off – ie shown that I'm not an unreasonable person. I recollect R kicked off one morning in the line when the bell went because I'd put the wrong t-shirt on him (he said nothing at home or in the car about it!). He starting shouting that he'd wished I was dead and refused to go into the building. Obviously, the gossip brigade were loving the entertainment! A teacher came over and said how upsetting Rs comment must have been. I responded by saying 'actually R has Aspergers and is upset because I put the wrong t-shirt on. What's actually shameful as opposed to upsetting is the gossip brigade over there seemingly enjoying watching a disabled child being upset'. The mums dispersed very quickly. For me, that was the turning point. I actually felt that was really quite liberating! I'm not for a second recommending that that's how you announce your child has an ASD, but I think because I'd been treated badly (ie mums would talk about me within earshot) that I felt that Rs outburst made it timely.

 

I think rather than singleing your son out, that a general discussion would be much more appropriate. I think it has to be your decision (without being pressurised by HT). There are lots of leaflets available from NAS. Teaching kids that everyone is different is a good thing and whilst it's important to discuss difficulties, it's also good to discuss the positives. There are lot of famous people with disorders, etc and 'different' is good.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited March 24, 2010 by cmuir

[JsMum]

 

I have experienced similair experience, it knocked my confidence and I wasnt scared of her but two grown up women fighting in the middle of a playground wasnt acceptable either, it became very high rate and embarrassing, in the corridor there where five or six mothers signing a pertition to get him out of the school, I felt sooo hurt he was only 6yrs old at the time and on the verge of exclusion anyway, this did not help. The school was a highly religous high morals school but I was experiencing bullying and intimidation from these parents, looking back I should of gone to the police but I did not have the confidence to and thought they might actually blame me, it was a very difficult time I felt like all the mothers were talking about me behind my back, which I think was happening, and many parents told their children to stay away from him, I even saw some children been physically punished if their parents caught their children playing with my son.

 

It was well Known Js special needs though he wasnt at the time dx with ADHD/ASD they knew he had severe behavioural, social and communication difficulties and was going throw assessments, it didnt make any difference to how parents treat him, or me, especially when its a high functioning disability, and if you say ADHD this makes other parents just turn round and say it doesnt exist its just an excuse for bad parenting and so I didnt even want others knowing he might have that.

 

I think its a bit different now for some school as I have a friend who has a Autistic son in a primary school but the school its self support him supberbly and if any parent did behave the same way the parents did in Js primary years Im sure the Headteacher would stamp it out.

 

I would defo discuss the dx with your son first, as for the parents its difficult to predict how they would respond, majority would probably understand but I also worry that there would still be a minority who could make it worse for your son.

 

I hope that the parent who threatened you has been reprimanded from the Headteacher.

 

My son has gone months and months with retaliation, the word is called Retribution, my son stores the hurtful word or action in his memory bank and waits to get them back, so the act of where J has kicked, punched someone for no reason when asked why he did that, he comes out with well three fridays ago he called me names or he kicked me.

 

I think its also because their communications are impaired and they cant always tell a teacher what someone has called them, or said hurtful things, it cold be your son had difficulties expressing what this girl had said and its taken this long for him to express his own hurt.

 

I would also find out why this girl is so strong on getting rid of your son, this doesnt sound like these words are of a child but an Adult, possibly the girls Mother, in the first place.

 

From your post I think the most important step here is to tell your son he has ASD and when he has processed that maybe then tell the parents with the support from NAS or the outreach Autism service.

 

In our case this was Js first Primary school and we then moved area and he went to another school.

 

JsMumxxx

 

 

[Suze]

We were in a very similar situation in yr 6 at primary .Several parents wrote to the head to complain about my son.Things got really bad and he had been struggling at dinner times with a group of boys, they were teasing him and he lost his temper big time.We took advice from the autism outreach service.They came in and did a few hours with his class, explained about autism and how it can afffect kids and their social skills.They talked about all the positives and negatives like Malcom mentioned in his post.It had a very positive outcome for my son.Several girls in his cl;ass looked out for him and told the teacher if other kids were provoking him.However I did,nt actively tell other parents in his class.My friends alll knew of course.The kids in his class could have gone home and told their mums and dads about his dx , the important thing was that the kids knew as they were the ones socialising with him and spending time with him.

I must say I,m disgusted by the other parents threat towards you and hope the head had serious words with her.Your son and her daughter were in the care of the school when he kicked her and what ever happened cannot be blamed on you, and hitting you does,nt solve anything either does it ....my other son NT gets knocked over, pushed and he was scratched yesterday at school on the face , but I havent been throwing my weight around in the playground because of it .If there has been a problem I have to trust the school to sort it as they are the ones with responsibility at the time.

 

It definitely does seem the right time to tell your son about his dx , high school isn,t far away , it made my son alot happier to know his dx, best wishes suzex.

[Sammysnake]

I work in a Primary school. One of the children in my daughter's class has AS and behavioural issues. When he first joined in Y3 a group of parents went on the warpath demanding that he be thrown out of the school and one parent in particular (who has a history of being a trouble maker) stirred up a lot of bad feeling and the boy's mum had an awful time. The SENCo, with the boy's mum's consent, had a sit down meeting with these parents to allow them to air their concerns and she explained the lad's issues and what the school were doing to support him etc. I don't know exactly what was said but a lot of the parents went away feeling very sheepish about how unsupportive they had been and the parents have been a lot better. This year (Y4) the teacher has had a chat with the whole class to explain why this lad sometimes behaves the way he does and how everyone in school can help him in simple ways. She has been reading the book 'Please can I tell you about Asperger's Syndrome' to them too which has helped.

 

My daughter (aged 9) got her diagnosis a couple of weeks ago and the paediatrician explained it all to her. She was over-the-moon as she feels like she makes sense now. We also read the same book together and she was beaming with wonder saying - but that sounds just like me. She has been telling lots of people she has AS and has asked the teacher to explain it to her class mates for her. It's given her the words to explain the things she finds difficult. Beforehand she just knew that she didn't feel right or comfortable in the world and didn't know why.

 

Another lad in my Y3 class has Tourettes. As soon as he was diagnosed his parents requested that his year group be told so the class teacher had a good chat with all the Y3 kids explaining to them what types of things they might see and hear and that this young man could not control it and was not being naughty. She allowed them time to ask questions and made sure they knoew who they could talk to if they were ever worried or upset by what they saw and heard. A letter also went home to the parents explaining that there was a child in Y3 with Tourettes, what it meant, what the children had been told and that any parents were welcome to chat to the teacher at any time if they had concerns. The lad was not named in the letter (although we are a village and it would be easy to idetify him if people wanted to).

 

My experience of the kids in my school has been that if things are explained, they are very supportive and accommodating of one another. It's when we get older that we learn intolerance and fear of the unusual.

[Tally]

Hi Dana,

 

I don't think you can let other people be informed until/unless your son knows about his own diagnosis. Maybe it would be a good idea for your husband to talk with the school as well so they can tell him directly why they think it would be a good idea for the other children/parents to know.

 

You will probably find that one or two parents will remain hostile even once they do know, and may even feel that you are using his autism as an excuse for bad behaviour. With some people there is just no explaining, but it could help most people to be a bit more understanding.

[dana]

 

Thank you all for your long, honest and helpful advice. <'> <'> ><

Unfortunately, the HT only tried to calm down everyone and DIDN'T give that mother any hard time. In fact, she tried to tell me that she was a good mother trying to speak up for her daughter. Although, I could understand it to a certain point but I am not the one who threatens other parents for their children behaviour towards my son!

The trouble with me is that in this kind of situation I get so much upset that I get paralised, loose ability to answer back properly (probably my own autistic traits).

Anyway, AOT came today and made appointments with me alone, my son (one week later) and also she will come to talk with his class. I will have the opportunity to get some advice from her as well.

 

Danaxxx

[Kathryn]

No I don't think the parents have a right to know anything. I don't know whose idea this meeting was, but you shouldn't feel forced into face to face discussion with the other parents about this kind of situation- feelings are bound to run high and it's a very intimidating position to be in. It's taking responsibility from the school and placing it wrongly on your shoulders. And if you get threatened again by a parent, threaten to contact the police: this is harrassment.

 

All the other parents should be concerned about, is whether the school is implementing its anti bullying/behaviour policy correctly. If not, they can complain through the normal channels. What your son's dx is, and what the school are doing to help him, is none of their business: having said that, the head should reassure them that their own children are being safely cared for and what to do if they have a problem. To be honest, if I was the parent whose child had been kicked, I wouldn't care what was causing the kicking, I would just want to know what action the school was going to take to prevent it happening to my child again.

 

Whether the pupils themselves should know is another matter. I think it's vital that your son knows about his own dx before anything is said to anyone else at the school, and ideally he should be the one to take charge of the disclosure once he has fully understood and assimilated it himself.

 

K x

[baranigirl]

I do think your son should know his own diagnosis, my children know everything going on that involves them as I could not have them not knowing things

 

When my oldest DD started primary (she is 16 now) so back in 1998 there was a really awful boy in the other class in her year and she would come home with stories of what he had doone etc. I really felt for his Mum at that time because all the other mums I knew would say things about her son really loud that were very nasty and it was clear he had special needs and couldn't 'behave himself' like their perfect kids makes me angry thinking about their disgusting behaviour

 

I always encourage my children to consider why other shildren do or say things that they might not themselves and to be understanding of their needs

 

DD2 best friend is a foster boy with a lot of challenging behaviours, the school do everything they can to keep him calm and noin physical, he has never touched my daughter physically and she has been out with his foster mum and her friend on numerous occasions back to his house (he isn't local either) and there has never been an issue there (he did sit on her glasses once)

 

I have no idea what his official diagnosis is and TBH nor do I care, but I do know the school os doing what they can to help keep him in school and are very encouraging of his friendship with my daughter, I have spoken with the teachers myself about my concerns with him affecting her educationally, but as they sit on different tables that is not affected, socially she can play with who she chooses.

 

I guess in all my waffle I am saying that it is important your son knows why he is different, the children in his class should know there are things he may not be able to control, but its not always necessary to give a full diagnosis to the parents and children.

[dana]

Hi,

I just want to give you an update.

AOT came today and we had a long meeting, me and her alone. It was very productive and she was very helpful. She herself has a son with Autism and gave me advice NOT to tell children and their parents about my son's dx because they might use it against him. Her own experience was that usually it doesn't make any difference for parents and it will not help my son.

 

I told her that ds knows now about his dx. She will meet him next week and talk with him about it. The following week she will speak with the children of his class but only about his difficulties and how they can help him without telling them about his dx.

 

Anyway, he got this term a TA (who never worked with children with Autism ) 21 hours, as specified in his statement. She came up with a long list of 18 rules! what ds has to change, many of them not realistic and even humilieting. My son was furious and wanted to tear the paper! I've shown it to AOT and she was not at all happy about it and aranged the meeting with his TA to talk about it.

 

Thank you all for your support once again. <'>

 

Danaxxx

[baranigirl]

have learned that you cannot change peoples opinions no matter how smallminded they can be, so I agree that the AOT is doing the best for your son and well done on telling him too xx

[Suze]

Hi Dana, glad the meeting with AOT went well, and she is going to talk to the TA regarding that list .

 

Just wanted to add that telling my sons classmates was a positive thing for him.As kids started looking out for him, were more understanding, and told the teacher when other kids were being mean.We never considered telling the kids parents specifically .Because the AOT is going to chat to the class and talk about your sons difficulties I,m sure it will help as the kinder kids in class wiil hopefully look out for him. .Good luck suzex

[JsMum]

Anyway, he got this term a TA (who never worked with children with Autism ) 21 hours, as specified in his statement. She came up with a long list of 18 rules! what ds has to change, many of them not realistic and even humilieting. My son was furious and wanted to tear the paper! I've shown it to AOT and she was not at all happy about it and aranged the meeting with his TA to talk about it.

 

I advise you write a letter of complaint here, because if the TA is humiliating him and expecting him to CHANGE then other children will be witnessing this and expect the same, they will also copy the TAs attitude towards him, remember children learn what they see.

 

I would write a letter of complaint to your LEA SEN manager, the schools Senco and the Special needs Govenor of your sons school.

 

JsMumxxx