Advice Welcome

[luca]

hello my name is Denise, I have a son Philip aged 17 who was diagnosed a year ago with aspergers. My son has always brought children home, played with them and given them snacks. He still brings people home whom he considers to be his friends. Unfortunately the people he brings now are young men who have been either kicked out or put in care. Many of them have criminal records. How can i explain to him that these people are not his friends and that they are only using him? He has gotten very upset/ angry when i have questioned his choice of friends. His apergers is now endangering our home and the family. Can anyone help me?

[pearl]

Hi Denise & welcome

 

I'd say to him exactly what you just said in your post. If he doesn't like it, well it's your home & your rules, & he has to abide by them. You can't stop him seeing these people outside your home, but you are entitled to refuse access to anyone you don't want to cross the threshold. He might not like it, but that's tough, I'm afraid.

 

Good luck.

[luca]

Thank you for your reply, however I am concerned that by taking this action he may leave and not return, and endanger himself.

[pearl]

I know this sounds really tough, but if he is holding that over you, it is emotional blackmail. It would be his choice to leave & endanger himself. I do feel for you, but it's not fair on you to have to accommodate people you are uncomfortable with because of what he might do.

[NobbyNobbs]

i'm sure this isn't what you meant but as part of a foster caring family i take offense that you seem to classify children in care as undesirable as friends for your son because they are somehow bad. i'm well aware that teenagers in the care system can be challenging but there are very few children who are put in care because their parents dont want them and even fewer in care because they have chosen to be so. what they tell you about their life-story may well be very different from the reality. its easier at 17 to say you got put in care cos you were BAD than to say you got put in care because your parents have X Y and Z problems. Ks only 4 and if you ask her why shes in care she'll tell you its because she's naughty, when the reality is far from that. even at that age she knows telling the truth is embarassing and setting her up for ridicule. a little understanding goes a long way, so perhaps try to think about what those boys have been through (you wouldn't want someones mother not wanting their kid to be friends with your son because he has AS and therefore probably has some issues, after all)

 

have you got any proof that they are using him? have they stolen anything or damaged any of your property? encouraged your son to break the law? obviously people with criminal records are not ideal friends for anyone, but at 17 he can be friends with whoever he wants and if he's not allowed to bring them to your house he'll just meet up with them somewhere else where you can't keep an eye on things. that said perhaps encourage him to attend other social events so that he can meet other people, or discuss any issues you have with him bringing those people into your house. explaining the results of petty and serious crimes might help him to understand there are some things he doesn't want to/shouldn't join in with.

[luca]

I'm aware of the need for boundaries, rules and limitations but past attempts have been disastrous - he was extremely ante, aggressive and non-compliant. His behaviour was quite intimidating and frightening, and I would like to avoid similar opportunities for confrontation.

[Kathryn]

Hi Denise,

 

Not easy - I think most young people would resist their parents' attempts to tell them who they should associate with.

 

As others have said, you have a choice whether or not to allow them into your home. Could you compromise and say that he can only have his friends round when you are at home?

 

Welcome to the forum, by the way

 

K x

[pearl]

Again, it's a tough one, but he is controlling you by his aggression. Many teens, AS or not, will square up to their parents & test the boundaries - avoiding the issue won't help him long term as that behaviour wouldn't be tolerated by others outside the home.

 

Take your point, Nobby - I think we are approaching this from different perspectives.

[luca]

@NobbyNobbs: I joined this forum for help with my son and not an attack on the unfortunate people of society. The people I have mentioned are using my son - they have recently stolen from him but I did not mean to make a sweeping generalisation. I apologise for the offence.

 

Thank you Kathryn for your advice.

Edited April 25, 2010 by luca

[justine1]

i'm sure this isn't what you meant but as part of a foster caring family i take offense that you seem to classify children in care as undesirable as friends for your son because they are somehow bad. i'm well aware that teenagers in the care system can be challenging but there are very few children who are put in care because their parents dont want them and even fewer in care because they have chosen to be so. what they tell you about their life-story may well be very different from the reality. its easier at 17 to say you got put in care cos you were BAD than to say you got put in care because your parents have X Y and Z problems. Ks only 4 and if you ask her why shes in care she'll tell you its because she's naughty, when the reality is far from that. even at that age she knows telling the truth is embarassing and setting her up for ridicule. a little understanding goes a long way, so perhaps try to think about what those boys have been through (you wouldn't want someones mother not wanting their kid to be friends with your son because he has AS and therefore probably has some issues, after all)

 

have you got any proof that they are using him? have they stolen anything or damaged any of your property? encouraged your son to break the law? obviously people with criminal records are not ideal friends for anyone, but at 17 he can be friends with whoever he wants and if he's not allowed to bring them to your house he'll just meet up with them somewhere else where you can't keep an eye on things. that said perhaps encourage him to attend other social events so that he can meet other people, or discuss any issues you have with him bringing those people into your house. explaining the results of petty and serious crimes might help him to understand there are some things he doesn't want to/shouldn't join in with.

Hi

I agree with the above post(NobbyNobbs)even a posh boy from Eaton may be undesirable in some ways,part of growing up really.Also even if they have made mistakes in the past whose to say they will continue to do so?He is 17 AS or not he has to decide who is friends are,you can advise him as his mum but cannot force him.

 

On the other hand I agree with Pearl,it is your home,therefore while you cannot stop him socialising with these men outside the home you can do so in the home,UNLESS he is contributing financially to the home in which case he should be treated as a lodger and a lodger wouldnt have you telling them who they can and cant bring into the home(except if you have concrete evidence they have stolen or broken something.)It will be good to set out the rules,maybe you can meet halfway,for example if he brings in lots of friends you can maybe ask if he just brings in one or two at a time,in fact my boys have the same rules because I have four of my own so if each of them brought in a friend that will be 8 kids in my home and I dont have the time or energy for that,so we have the rule of one friend at a time.

[cmuir]

Hi Luca

 

For what it's worth, I too would be very cautious about having people whom I know nothing about in my home, and particularly for your son's sake (who may well be vulnerable). For someone that is perhaps homeless, the offer of a warm comfy bed for he night and a hot meal would be hard to refuse. I'm certain there are a lot of decent people that have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances, though sadly, a minority of them may well take advantage if the opportunity to arose (I guess survival instinct or downright nastiness - who knows?). Sadly, that's how life is, given that day in day out there's nothing but some shocking crimes reported (unfortunately, that too means that even genuine people are questioned). We're constantly hearing about OAPs allowing, for example, individuals posing as professionals into their homes and being attacked and/or ripped off. I think you'd be right to point out the risks to your son - it would be much more difficult dealing with the fall-out if someone were to take advantage in some way. However, I wonder if it's possible for him to show friendship and provide assistance in other ways (with your help) ie invitation for lunch/dinner at a cafe or restaurant (away from home), etc over a short period of time to start with. At least that way, your son could hopefully learn to build up to a lasting friendship without diving head-first. I think it's much better to be cautious than be left potentially wide-open to being hurt mentally or physically, no matter how small the risk.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[NobbyNobbs]

right, i'm off my soap box, just had to stick up for them as i'd hate to see K referred to like that (and shes just the kind of kid that will be too )

 

does he go on 'organised' outings with these friends? ie to the cinema (i have no idea what 17 year old boys do these days, when i was 17 it was all about hanging out under bridges) if not then that might be a good place to start. theres only so much trouble you can get into at a cinema. where did he meet these boys? do they hang out at a particular place/time? if so then you can do your best to stop him attending and hope that that dulls the friendship. does/did he have any other fiends, because along with removing the friends you dont want it needs to be considered that he'll need replacements.

 

if he's holding the 'i'll leave home if i dont get my way' thing over you, but doesn't have a job etc then in reality he will find it very hard to actually live out this threat so i'd be inclined to call him on it and say 'go on then'. the biggest risk would be that he would move in with one of these friends, but i suppose that depends on how much you know about their living arrangements/how much care he needs from you. if it looks like he's going to be living with you for some time yet then your dominance over him (rightly so,it being your home, money, food etc) needs to be asserted or he'll be running riot in no time.

[smiley1590]

i personally relate to this i had 'friends' in past that i couldn't see with 'A.S eyes' that they were using abusing me as i was 'different' to them they used to advantage to get what they want and need then walk away i found it distressing /upsetting hurtful painful annoying frustrating when parents used to try to get me to understand what they was doing how they was 'playing' me in their own twisted game when realised left feeling worthless just low depressed like i didn't deserve proper friends like no one needed or wanted me or acceoted me! i couldn't understand why people treat me in that way because i let them still do but i didn't understand i was weak and because struggle find difficult make friends in the end you become so lonely scared afraid of social isolation and frustration you give in and accept anything comes along as feel deserve nothing better than that to be around which doesn't help self esteem to stay strong and well!

 

XKLX

[luca]

right, i'm off my soap box, just had to stick up for them as i'd hate to see K referred to like that (and shes just the kind of kid that will be too )

 

does he go on 'organised' outings with these friends? ie to the cinema (i have no idea what 17 year old boys do these days, when i was 17 it was all about hanging out under bridges) if not then that might be a good place to start. theres only so much trouble you can get into at a cinema. where did he meet these boys? do they hang out at a particular place/time? if so then you can do your best to stop him attending and hope that that dulls the friendship. does/did he have any other fiends, because along with removing the friends you dont want it needs to be considered that he'll need replacements.

 

if he's holding the 'i'll leave home if i dont get my way' thing over you, but doesn't have a job etc then in reality he will find it very hard to actually live out this threat so i'd be inclined to call him on it and say 'go on then'. the biggest risk would be that he would move in with one of these friends, but i suppose that depends on how much you know about their living arrangements/how much care he needs from you. if it looks like he's going to be living with you for some time yet then your dominance over him (rightly so,it being your home, money, food etc) needs to be asserted or he'll be running riot in no time.

= nobby nobbs they drink and smoke together. he met them in town where they hang out, the police move them on when the group gets too large. he has 1 good friend and many friends that hes gathered through his interests ie sport, dance, music. hes always had obsessions and the way i see it these are his latest obsessions. i joined this forum because i worry for him and my family, and by the way i feed these friends, wash their clothes and welcome them as i would like to think that if my son was in their position they would do the same.

[luca]

i personally relate to this i had 'friends' in past that i couldn't see with 'A.S eyes' that they were using abusing me as i was 'different' to them they used to advantage to get what they want and need then walk away i found it distressing /upsetting hurtful painful annoying frustrating when parents used to try to get me to understand what they was doing how they was 'playing' me in their own twisted game when realised left feeling worthless just low depressed like i didn't deserve proper friends like no one needed or wanted me or acceoted me! i couldn't understand why people treat me in that way because i let them still do but i didn't understand i was weak and because struggle find difficult make friends in the end you become so lonely scared afraid of social isolation and frustration you give in and accept anything comes along as feel deserve nothing better than that to be around which doesn't help self esteem to stay strong and well!

 

XKLX

smiley thank you so much. my son starts to see a psychologist in may and i hope they will help him to understand this and other aspects of his aspergers. i think like you my son would give his last rolo but its not just about having friends its having a sharing, giving, generous caring heart and thats a lovely quality and i think you and my son have that

[luca]

Hi Luca

 

For what it's worth, I too would be very cautious about having people whom I know nothing about in my home, and particularly for your son's sake (who may well be vulnerable). For someone that is perhaps homeless, the offer of a warm comfy bed for he night and a hot meal would be hard to refuse. I'm certain there are a lot of decent people that have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances, though sadly, a minority of them may well take advantage if the opportunity to arose (I guess survival instinct or downright nastiness - who knows?). Sadly, that's how life is, given that day in day out there's nothing but some shocking crimes reported (unfortunately, that too means that even genuine people are questioned). We're constantly hearing about OAPs allowing, for example, individuals posing as professionals into their homes and being attacked and/or ripped off. I think you'd be right to point out the risks to your son - it would be much more difficult dealing with the fall-out if someone were to take advantage in some way. However, I wonder if it's possible for him to show friendship and provide assistance in other ways (with your help) ie invitation for lunch/dinner at a cafe or restaurant (away from home), etc over a short period of time to start with. At least that way, your son could hopefully learn to build up to a lasting friendship without diving head-first. I think it's much better to be cautious than be left potentially wide-open to being hurt mentally or physically, no matter how small the risk.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

thank you for your reply caroline unfortunately my son will always go in head first and its not been a problem so much when he was a child but now as an adult it has more potential serious consequences for him and my family.. nothing happens slowly with him, as much as i know hes a vulnerable person my family is being exposed too. and i get tired and stressed pushing folks buttons, trying to stay ahead, and well im tired now, was disappointed when i first joined the forum, really thought i might get some insight into my sons autism. i have been in denial a year or so. but well i bang so night and thanks again

[luca]

right, i'm off my soap box, just had to stick up for them as i'd hate to see K referred to like that (and shes just the kind of kid that will be too )

 

does he go on 'organised' outings with these friends? ie to the cinema (i have no idea what 17 year old boys do these days, when i was 17 it was all about hanging out under bridges) if not then that might be a good place to start. theres only so much trouble you can get into at a cinema. where did he meet these boys? do they hang out at a particular place/time? if so then you can do your best to stop him attending and hope that that dulls the friendship. does/did he have any other fiends, because along with removing the friends you dont want it needs to be considered that he'll need replacements.

 

if he's holding the 'i'll leave home if i dont get my way' thing over you, but doesn't have a job etc then in reality he will find it very hard to actually live out this threat so i'd be inclined to call him on it and say 'go on then'. the biggest risk would be that he would move in with one of these friends, but i suppose that depends on how much you know about their living arrangements/how much care he needs from you. if it looks like he's going to be living with you for some time yet then your dominance over him (rightly so,it being your home, money, food etc) needs to be asserted or he'll be running riot in no time.

nobby nobbs= im also not very computer literate so please bear with me

[Tally]

You have asked for advice because you feel your son is being taken advantage of by the people he brings back to your house. But you are operating a free cafe and laundry service for them. It seems your son is not the only one being taken advantage of.

[trekster]

I'm aware of the need for boundaries, rules and limitations but past attempts have been disastrous - he was extremely ante, aggressive and non-compliant. His behaviour was quite intimidating and frightening, and I would like to avoid similar opportunities for confrontation.

 

How about trying to get to know his friends? Invite them for a meal and play a board game or something similar. Ask about their interests.

[cmuir]

How about trying to get to know his friends? Invite them for a meal and play a board game or something similar. Ask about their interests.

 

 

 

Hi

 

Yes, that was the point that I was trying to make also (though perhaps in a long-winded way!).

 

Caroline.

[Sally44]

I remember my mum saying to me that "you treat this house like a hotel". And I'm not on the spectrum.

Some boundaries and rules are needed. You say he hasn't dealt with this well in the past. So sit down with him and talk through with him what is acceptable and get him to contribute to the rules.

I could only ever bring one or two friends around at any one time when I was a child.

 

When I was a teenager we did have a friend who used to let us go to his house during dinnertimes. As we all smoked cigarettes back them (age 13+), we all used to buy fags with our dinner money and then go to this 'friends' house and make toast for our dinner. He was our friend, but we also used his hospitality. And his mum could never work out how he managed to eat his way through 3+ loaves of bread a week!!!

 

But if you are also washing their clothes etc then you will end up with an ever growing line of people outside your house to access your free services. Maybe you could 'charge' for them, then see how many continue to turn up??

 

If your son genuinely wants to 'help' people then maybe he could be a volunteer for a homeless group or a charity shop etc.

 

But you need to get rules in now because the longer this remains the 'norm' the harder it will be to change it.

 

Or divert him into a new obsession to 'remove' this one and then make sure the boundaries are in place whilst his concentration and focus and obsession is elsewhere.

 

As others have said, not everyone on the streets is bad. But I don't think any of us would want our home to become an open house to anyone. That would be just asking for trouble, because by the laws of averages you will eventually come into contact with someone who will at the very least steal from you.

 

Have you tried using comic strip cartoons to get ideas across to him. I know he is older, but it still might be a way of getting your point across. I am just going to learn about them myself, but from what I understand it is about drawing stick characters about the situation and doing two different bubbles. One bubble is the actual speech of each person, and the other bubble (shaped differently) is the thoughts of each person. In that way you might be able to show how someone might appear 'grateful' by what they say, but be thinking or planning something totally different.

 

And threatening to move out is very different to actually doing it. He may storm off and sleep with mates a couple of nights. But at some point you will have to call his bluff because you cannot just give him what he wants all the time. And he won't get his way all the time in any relationship. So best to talk it through calmly before an 'incident' and discuss and agree the new rules asap.

 

And I totally understand how scary some 'friends' can be. I have an older sister with learning difficulties. Once she turned up with a new boyfriend who had recently come out of Rampton!! They had met through an acquaintence she knew through one of the day centres she used to go to. Needless to say, (although this maybe seen as prejudiced by some), we just wanted to separate her from someone who we felt was not at all suitable. And for a while my sister persisted in meeting him secretly. But eventually we found that he was asking her to steal from the family and give 'presents' to him. This finally forced her to recognise that he was not really her 'boyfriend'.

 

Unfortunately there are people out there always looking for someone to give them a free meal ticket. Our children can easily be spotted and picked up by these people.