Have just become AS self-aware, but at 52!

[ridvan]

This is my first posting, so Hi there people!

 

I don't exactly know what led me to 'stumbling' on to a website with an Aspie questionnaire, but I did, and it gave me 'Very likely to a be an Aspie' score of 145 out of 200! Maybe it was reading an article in a national newspaper about the story of a 50-odd year old dad of a boy with Autism being diagnosed that did it. After years of slowly coming to terms with my son's Autism, I now know where he got it from! Talk about an 'Aha!' moment when I made the connection between my continuous struggle to appear and behave normal and Asperger's!

 

But at 52 years, come on! I now kick myself that I've spent all this time struggling with life, and being in a stressful and chaotic job as a child protection social worker simply hasn't helped! I guess I must have successfully kept it 'under the carpet' and coped as best as I could all these years. I'm also already feeling sad and grieving about this poor individual who has battled all his life to feel accepted and acceptable. And what my wife has had to put up with!!!!!! E.g's compulsively buying new technology; pedantic about use of English and grammar; social phobia; simply not being able to understand jokes, to name just a few from the tip of the iceberg!

 

Due to my heightened anxiety (have seemingly been struggling to cope with anxiety for years, and I thought it was just my job!) over this issue, I've arranged an urgent appointment with my GP with a referral for a private consultation with my nearest Aspie expert in Newport, Gwent - I simply need to know one way or another and as soon as possible, i.e. not prepared to wait several months to be told what I already know. Part of me feels a sense of inevitability, but on the other hand, I'm also frightened of a diagnosis and speculate that if it's not AS, I'm just plainly mal-adjusted! My wife is quite comfortable/satisfied with the idea of my having AS it makes so much sense, when you put 2 and 2 together re all my quirky behaviours and thought processes.

 

This is perhaps a silly question, but does anyone out there have a similar story? Thanks.

[Jannih]

This is perhaps a silly question, but does anyone out there have a similar story? Thanks.

 

Welcome to the ASD forum, Ridvan.

 

I'm 56 years old and have struggled with life in general. I have been living independently and I work, so I have just about managed to survive and keep my head above water. I always used to say to friends that I was a mild version of my younger sister, who has very severe problems with social anxiety.

 

A few years ago my older sister took in a foster child who was autistic. She read up on autism, thoroughly, so she could effectively manage his condition. In doing so she discovered that my younger sister ticked all the boxes. She was also concerned about our 3yr old great niece who has also displayed autistic traits. Naturally, I was curious, as I always felt I had the same problems as younger sister, albeit in a milder form. Like you, I have tried to mask the problems and have over compensated in some areas in order to appear "normal". I haven't always made a good job of it and sometimes ended up alienating people.

 

I am now going for a formal diagnosis, at my age !!!

Edited May 8, 2010 by Jannih

[Kathryn]

I'm here as a parent, not as an adult with AS but just wanted to say Hi and welcome.

 

K x

[ridvan]

Welcome to the ASD forum, Ridvan.

 

I'm 56 years old and have struggled with life in general. I have been living independently and I work, so I have just about managed to survive and keep my head above water. I always used to say to friends that I was a mild version of my younger sister, who has very severe problems with social anxiety.

 

A few years ago my older sister took in a foster child who was autistic. She read up on autism, thoroughly, so she could effectively manage his condition. In doing so she discovered that my younger sister ticked all the boxes. She was also concerned about our 3yr old great niece who has also displayed autistic traits. Naturally, I was curious, as I always felt I had the same problems as younger sister, albeit in a milder form. Like you, I have tried to mask the problems and have over compensated in some areas in order to appear "normal". I haven't always made a good job of it and sometimes ended up alienating people.

 

I am now going for a formal diagnosis, at my age !!!

 

 

Hi Jannih, thanks for your response - it's somewhat reassuring to know that I'm not the only one to be in this situation. Keep us posted, won't you, with your progress on the diagnosis trail, as I also will. I will be 'going private', so hopefully will get quick confirmation as to whether or not I have AS, and then I can definitely leave social work and think of an appropriate move to some other area of work where I will definitely thrive!

[ridvan]

Hi Jannih, thanks for your response - it's somewhat reassuring to know that I'm not the only one to be in this situation. Keep us posted, won't you, with your progress on the diagnosis trail, as I also will. I will be 'going private', so hopefully will get quick confirmation as to whether or not I have AS, and then I can definitely leave social work and think of an appropriate move to some other area of work where I will definitely thrive!

 

 

Further info - I finally heard from my GP who made his own enquiries into possible assessments locally, to no avail I may add. He's now handed me a letter of referral for a private consultation with psychiatrist down the M4 in Newport. Private consultation and payment big bucks here I come! Knowledge of knowing either way and as soon as possible is essential for me.

[Darren_T]

This is perhaps a silly question, but does anyone out there have a similar story? Thanks.

Yes, completely! I'm nearly 40 with a daughter recently diagnosed with AS. Going through her diagnosis has made me realise a lot about myself which makes sense at last.

 

I'm with you completely on making our wives' lives hell. We seem to have constant running petty arguments which revolve around me pedantically quoting back to her what she's said. This comes across to her as point scoring but I'm just trying to understand what she means! I've finally realised after being together for more than 20 years that I just can't "read" her, so instead I constantly ask her "what's the matter?" - if she's not smiling I assume there must be a problem. I'm trying to re-program myself to assume everythings OK unless she tells me otherwise but it's not easy!

 

And Jannih, what you said about over-compensation rings true too. I'm actually cripplingly shy in social situations, even with members of my own family. Over the years I've overcompensated and often projected a "larger than life" personality who just isn't me. But as a result lots of people, again including many in my own family, think I'm full of confidence. This just makes it harder for them to accept the "real me". If I'm fine standing on a stage playing guitar and singing, everyday conversation must be a doddle, right?

Edited May 22, 2010 by Darren_T

[Jannih]

Further info - I finally heard from my GP who made his own enquiries into possible assessments locally, to no avail I may add. He's now handed me a letter of referral for a private consultation with psychiatrist down the M4 in Newport. Private consultation and payment big bucks here I come! Knowledge of knowing either way and as soon as possible is essential for me.

 

Was you GP unable to find a local psychiatrist or was it that he was unable to find one who had sufficient knowledge of ASD. If you are seeing a psychiatrist to be assessed, then it might be a good idea to contact the NAS for a list of consultants in your area, who who would have the relevant background in autistic disorders, before you part with your money.

 

 

 

 

[Jannih]

And Jannih, what you said about over-compensation rings true too. I'm actually cripplingly shy in social situations, even with members of my own family. Over the years I've overcompensated and often projected a "larger than life" personality who just isn't me. But as a result lots of people, again including many in my own family, think I'm full of confidence. This just makes it harder for them to accept the "real me". If I'm fine standing on a stage playing guitar and singing, everyday conversation must be a doddle, right !

 

I have a similar extrovert side to me. I can get up and sing in front of a load of strangers but I have such difficulty making small talk. So instead of someone thinking that I am just shy, have difficulties etc. they see me as aloof, "stuckup" or just plain antisocial. Another way I compensate for my shortcomings, is by being approachable and helpful to people. At work the less experienced colleagues tend to come to me for help, advice etc. Without that, my working relationships would have been much worse., I think.

 

 

[ridvan]

Yes, completely! I'm nearly 40 with a daughter recently diagnosed with AS. Going through her diagnosis has made me realise a lot about myself which makes sense at last.

 

I'm with you completely on making our wives' lives hell. We seem to have constant running petty arguments which revolve around me pedantically quoting back to her what she's said. This comes across to her as point scoring but I'm just trying to understand what she means! I've finally realised after being together for more than 20 years that I just can't "read" her, so instead I constantly ask her "what's the matter?" - if she's not smiling I assume there must be a problem. I'm trying to re-program myself to assume everythings OK unless she tells me otherwise but it's not easy!

 

And Jannih, what you said about over-compensation rings true too. I'm actually cripplingly shy in social situations, even with members of my own family. Over the years I've overcompensated and often projected a "larger than life" personality who just isn't me. But as a result lots of people, again including many in my own family, think I'm full of confidence. This just makes it harder for them to accept the "real me". If I'm fine standing on a stage playing guitar and singing, everyday conversation must be a doddle, right?

 

 

Hi Darren - what you said about repeating to your wife what she had just said is something I've always been doing and I completely relate to you on that one! While she was always thinking I was nit-picking, I was trying to get clarity as to what she exactly meant! My latest learning about myself is that I'm very poor at relating what's going on in my headspace, feelings etc, whereas I also complain to my wife that I can't be expected to understand her emotions if she won't explain to me what she's thinking about! Talk about double standards! When she explains a problem to me, I just want to offer solutions, but she simply wants empathy and no solutions, so I simply can't win! Offering solutions is simply rational and logical, why oh why can't she accept my solutions!

 

I also completely relate re your comments on social phobia; Like you I try to put out there a feeling of social self-confidence, but really I'm cringeing inside, and dreading being put in situation where I struggle to give a socially acceptable response!

 

I did the Aspie test again, approached it with an attitude of visiting-for-the-first-time, and this time I scored 150/200. Although I really want an either-way diagnosis, the mere thinking of the possibility that I have AS is comforting, and helps me understand what I can and cannot do well. Cheers. Martin

 

 

 

 

 

[chris54]

Hi ridvan.

Well it was 3 years ago that my son was diagnosed with HFA/aspergers. This to me at least was a bit out of the blue.(Part of the assessment for his learning difficulties) Others now tell me that they could see Autistic traits in him all along, me, I never saw it, I just took the way his is a taking after me.

 

And as they say, if I look at myself I tick a lot of the boxes.

I definitely avoid/ed situations and jobs that would cause my problems/stress.

I always thought I was a bit stupid/thick, now I realise that I in fact have an above average IQ.

I know I have an extremely bad memory and have problems with reading and spelling, been told I'm dyslexic but never been formally assessed.

 

About stress, my wife calls my Mr Cool because on the outside at least I never, or very seldom show any signs of stress. This could be in my genes, my family are all very laid back people.

 

At 55 I'm just getting on with my life now, yes I know what you mean about looking back and feeling sad about how life might have been but would an diagnosis 40/50 years ago (If such a thing was available then) have made any difference.

 

I suppose knowing what I know now makes it easier to accept my life as it has been with a lot less regrets.

 

I do not feel that a formal diagnosis will make any difference to my life now and have no desire to go down that path.

 

We all have to do what we feel is right , so good luck, hope you find what you are looking for.

[ridvan]

Was you GP unable to find a local psychiatrist or was it that he was unable to find one who had sufficient knowledge of ASD. If you are seeing a psychiatrist to be assessed, then it might be a good idea to contact the NAS for a list of consultants in your area, who who would have the relevant background in autistic disorders, before you part with your money.

 

My GP agreed that all the experts locally dealt specifically with children's developmental problems. Thanks for the suggestion about a list of consultants from the NAS, I'll contact them straight away before I part with my dosh!