Difusing anger outbursts

[LS2242]

Hi there.

 

Can anyone offer any tips or advice of how to deal with anger outbursts when son gets home from school. depending on the day he has had, sort of depends how he does or does not tolerate things at home.

 

If he has had a bad day in his eyes (people being mean, which sometimes I think this may be his interpritation of things, or someone outs there arm on his desk, etc....) then if we do one thing that he does not approve of, or we make a comment he does not quite understand then that's it, his anger is instant like a switch and the hitting, pushing, kicking, throwing things etc.. begins. It can then take him hours to come to a more approachable boy. By the way he is 9yrs old. This physical anger tends to be targeted at myself and his sister (11) The more verbal anger and frustration is targeted at anyone he is confident with (immediate family)

 

If he has had a good day then the evening will go by relativley peacefully, with no big dramas.

 

We have tried all the convential methods but they dont work.

 

He has a fixation with his computer to the degree if he doesnt complete certain tasks before school, it is difficult to get him there or to bed. tried removing the PC but this made things worse as his stress levels went through the roof. If limit the time he spends find he is very distructive and angry and dare I say a bit annoying towards others.

 

One thing we have found we have to keep him busy whether it be at the park, on the trampoline, ball playing. I have two other children who are NT but they also have needs. Exhausted now trying to cope with everyones demands on me.

 

Any tips or stratergies that people use I would find most helpful.

[JsMum]

Does he have a visual routine chart?

 

Consequences for the violent behaviours, ie banned items.

 

A chart displaying the rules on the wall, so for instant No kicking, No hitting, ect....

 

A place in the home were he can chill out/zone out, this could be just a small tent, den, or a shed in the garden.

 

Break each task down, give spersific instructions.

 

Use visual cards to reduce verbal communication if he is angry/frustrated.

 

What about a social activity such as St Johns Ambulance, or Sea Cadets, scouts something that is just something he does there is funding now for children with special needs to recieve a 1-1 so they can be supervised and assisted so check out your council for this kind of service.

 

Keep a detailed ABC for a week and see if there is a pattern it also identifies consequences too.

 

http://www.thecbf.org.uk/pdf/functional-as...ment-charts.pdf

 

more infor on ABC http://www.thecbf.org.uk/chall-behaviour/funct-assess.htm

 

Reward, praise him when he is helpful, kind, shares, listens to instructions, ect....

 

Breathing exercises, and regular relaxation sessions, J has physiotherapy.

 

This is just a few suggestions, and I know its not all going to work, I have difficulties too with my own son and the most problems where having is following throw with the consequence, he gets very volitile and it is difficult, it maybe that you need more proffessional support with the level of aggression and harm he is causing, which sadly is diffficult to get, there maybe a outreach team in your area or a disabilities nurse that could support you further.

 

There is a good course called stepping stones but it isnt in every area.

 

Also check your area for any spersific behavioural management courses spersifically for Autism/special needs.

 

Im sure more advice will follow shortly.

 

JsMumx

 

Edited June 16, 2010 by JsMum

[LS2242]

Thank you immensley for your input.

 

To give you a quick breakdown as to where I am at. You maybe able to offer advice in other difficulties that we are faced with also.

 

Went to GP 2yrs ago (when he was 7 although noticed differences since he was about 2) thinking he had OCD. Referred to CAMHs for assessment. Was a bit of a shock when Aspergers was mentioned. Then Phycologist back tracked his diagnosis as son was not showing any signs within school and said that we would not get the backing of the EP so therefore could not diagnose. Said he was wired differently and that he could see what we as parents could see, so was suprised by the school assessment. When school began to see things he said for them to write him a letter explaining and that would be enough evidence for DX. This the school did, no further on.

The school are sick of me and now are bringing in an EP for a meeting with us (next week) After reading all these posts I dont hold out much support there either. My son suffers quite concerning levels of facial tics which the phycologist says it it due to the stress of masking things at school. But other than listening to my concerns, all the prof offer is this is normal for AS children, read this book.

 

I have been in touch with NAS, Parent Partnership who have given me other contacts. I have rang these people but have rang so many that I have forgotten who they are or their roles. Up to now other than being a listening ear I have had no support or guidance. People keep telling me basically deal with it you are his mum, or that is the way they are. get on with it (or that is how I feel) Treat him as you would your other children. I maybe naive here, (and I except it if you also think I am) I was and still am partially under the cloud of thinking that there is a reason for his behaviour and this is his way of communicating (Not saying it is acceptable) Pleased he expresses these at home rather than school though. Therefore I have to make allowances for his behaviour. If his stress reduces at school then in theory I was thinking the anger outbursts would reduce at home! If I was, as an example giving him time out each time he did something annoying or angry then some days he would spend the whole day in time out. This would then have a negative impact.

 

Activities - we have tried so many but he always ends up giving it up because he doesn't understand the rules or people are being mean to him. Even gone to ones where I can stay and this has resulted in the same outcome.

 

Points you have noted are things that I ought to impliment but having the strength as you say to deal with the consequences is a different matter. I dont feel strong enough right now but know I need to do something in order to not let this get out of control (I have been to the GP who has offered me councelling) Think this is because of the lack of support and having to fight for help in school to reduce his stress. I feel as though we are on our own and that I am a bad parent (even though deep down I know I am)

 

Thank you for the links, will have a good look through them.

Sorry for going on a bit just needed to express my thoughts

[LS2242]

OMG - Another outburst all because he wouldn't do as I asked so I removed his computer. He then called me a B***h. I am gobsmacked. Then he told me he is going to murder me (Thats is twice this week he has said this)

[winston]

Hi, sounds like you live in my house.

I have a soon-to-be 9 year old with the same issues regarding temper, and his interpretation of others and their intentions. The 'switch' is a very good description, and it is very hard on the rest of the family, especially when the anger turns to violence against everyone.

we have had some success with visual prompts, rules on the wall regarding outbursts. I also found a book called " a volcano in my tummy" bought off amazon. It is written for NT children but nonetheless had some good suggestions of how to change the way children deal with anger.

Some of the suggestions were practical such as ripping up the recycling card and papers to vent anger, drawing a picture or scribbling on paper to release the anger, going into the garden and kicking a ball, anything energetic with impacts etc. The theory of its ok to be angry, but not ok to hurt yourself or others, nor damage property. All helpful, but I do know that it is easier in theory than in practise to get a child to channel their anger, especially children with alternative ways of thinking, my son is in true red mist when he rages, and doesnt retain information about rules of behaviour so a constant reminder is needed, both at home and at school.

It may also help to do a diary of behaviour and events, sometimes the triggers are not what we have assumed them to be and in fact a series of events have brought the frustration to a head. The school are currently doing a behaviour diary for ds, with incidents and explanations. after school we review it, talk about what happened, why things happened, and the correct choices he could have made. talk about good things that have happened, praise the good choices he made, so he then gets home with all the school issues dealt with so to speak.

It has all helped, not a magic wand by any means, but we have noticed change, more good days than bad which I thought would never happen.

[JsMum]

OMG - Another outburst all because he wouldn't do as I asked so I removed his computer. He then called me a B***h. I am gobsmacked. Then he told me he is going to murder me (Thats is twice this week he has said this)

He was angry with you that you followed throw and so he called you names and because he shocked you he then threatened to kill you, he is upping the reactions so you give in in the end

 

In our situation I ban that item and if continues to verbal abuse or threaten I warm him he will have his Ipod banned next, and it continues, there has been times Ive had to ban the whole contents of his room, but he knows if he stops the bans wont accur, my son tests me to see how far Ill go, sometimes his behaviour is very threatening and I cant alway follow throw there and then, but once he has calmed down I take away the items I warned where banned.

 

If you dont feel strong enough to do this on your own, you really need to get support from social services or health and believe me I know how hard that is in obtaining it, but if your struggling then you need to really let them know this.

 

It isnt easy I know that for sure, but if succeeeds in getting what he wants by using aggressive behaviours it almost certainly be more serious as he gets bigger and stronger.

 

J goes to Gymnastics and Judo, and the staff are very supportive of his needs, and he has had his fair share of been shucked out of activities in the past so I would try again another activity and aproach the staff and explain about his needs and contact the local authority for the 1-1 as these are now trained in Disabilities/special needs and relitively new.

 

It does sound like your overwhelmed, so ensure you get more support.

 

JsMumxx

 

Edited June 16, 2010 by JsMum

[justine1]

He was angry with you that you followed throw and so he called you names and because he shocked you he then threatened to kill you, he is upping the reactions so you give in in the end

 

In our situation I ban that item and if continues to verbal abuse or threaten I warm him he will have his Ipod banned next, and it continues, there has been times Ive had to ban the whole contents of his room, but he knows if he stops the bans wont accur, my son tests me to see how far Ill go, sometimes his behaviour is very threatening and I cant alway follow throw there and then, but once he has calmed down I take away the items I warned where banned.

 

If you dont feel strong enough to do this on your own, you really need to get support from social services or health and believe me I know how hard that is in obtaining it, but if your struggling then you need to really let them know this.

 

It isnt easy I know that for sure, but if succeeeds in getting what he wants by using aggressive behaviours it almost certainly be more serious as he gets bigger and stronger.

 

J goes to Gymnastics and Judo, and the staff are very supportive of his needs, and he has had his fair share of been shucked out of activities in the past so I would try again another activity and aproach the staff and explain about his needs and contact the local authority for the 1-1 as these are now trained in Disabilities/special needs and relitively new.

 

It does sound like your overwhelmed, so ensure you get more support.

 

JsMumxx

Jsmum is right,he just wants a reaction and possibly because you have given in before feels the more he pushes the more likely you are to give in to him.

 

I would suggest you look at putting a time limit on his computer and telly time.Both my boys have this.Sam has 40min computer,only on the weekends though and my 9yr old has 1hr each day.They get a 5 min warning when their time will be up and then it goes off.I have had to physically remove both of them at times when they havent quite finished but I have said they need to learn to manage their time and for the most part they are fine.Sam would often throw a chair at me when he wasnt done but he wont do it anymore cause he would then lose out the next day.

 

When they are sent to their rooms I make sure they have nothing in their rooms that they will then play with thus it wont be seen as a punnishment,I do not think telly in a room is a good idea.As Jsmum said you need to use a visual timetable you can show what he needs to do before his computer time and how long it will be and then what he will be doing after.When he give him a warning you can remind him what is coming next,eg.dinner,time in the garden etc.

[trekster]

There are some really good books on the market

 

"behavioural concerns and ASDs" "asperger syndrome practical strategies for tantrum rage and meltdown" and "managing meltdowns"

[LS2242]

There are some really good books on the market

 

"behavioural concerns and ASDs" "asperger syndrome practical strategies for tantrum rage and meltdown" and "managing meltdowns"

 

Is this what his anger is a form of a meltdown. I have heard of it but never really associated the two.

I will be sure to get some books. Knowledge is useful

 

 

[LS2242]

You are all so supportive on this forum. I am touched.

 

I have received some good advice and now need to 'devise a plan of action'

 

Your right this is all new to me and I am overwhelmed. I have been trying to do what I thought was right and tried to be understanding. I feel now I may have gone about this all the wrong way, which I can see has not helped him in the long run, other than he can speak to me and I will listen and address his concerns, Fighting for support that I feel he needs, What can I say other than it is my fault and I have let him down. Time to face facts and deal with things.

 

I am going to invest in the books recommended and hopefully if I can gain a better understanding then I stand a chance of helping him.

 

 

 

 

[winston]

You are all so supportive on this forum. I am touched.

 

I have received some good advice and now need to 'devise a plan of action'

 

Your right this is all new to me and I am overwhelmed. I have been trying to do what I thought was right and tried to be understanding. I feel now I may have gone about this all the wrong way, which I can see has not helped him in the long run, other than he can speak to me and I will listen and address his concerns, Fighting for support that I feel he needs, What can I say other than it is my fault and I have let him down. Time to face facts and deal with things.

 

I am going to invest in the books recommended and hopefully if I can gain a better understanding then I stand a chance of helping him.

 

Dont be so hard on yourself, I too have often felt overwhelmed by ds and the issues we deal with day to day, questioning whether it is us to blame for all this, our parenting style, not enough discipline, too much discipline, maybe I did something wrong while I was carrying him, maybe we shouldnt have let him have his vaccines, maybe I passed down a faulty gene etc etc. its endless. I have even got to the point of telling mr w that I cant cope one more day and ds would have to go live with family...at the time, thats how I felt.

Parenting children isnt easy and we all learn as we go, parenting ASD children is even tougher and we make mistakes, we learn, thats life, children dont come with instructions.

We came here hoping to get information too, to help us understand and help our sons, while we wait for the proffesionals, (and somehow I think the advice we read here will be worth alot more than that we will get from them!) You havent failed him, you have sought help and advice so that you can find better ways to parent him, instead of ignoring the issues and allowing it to carry on, that would be failing.

 

 

[LS2242]

Dont be so hard on yourself, I too have often felt overwhelmed by ds and the issues we deal with day to day, questioning whether it is us to blame for all this, our parenting style, not enough discipline, too much discipline, maybe I did something wrong while I was carrying him, maybe we shouldnt have let him have his vaccines, maybe I passed down a faulty gene etc etc. its endless. I have even got to the point of telling mr w that I cant cope one more day and ds would have to go live with family...at the time, thats how I felt.

Parenting children isnt easy and we all learn as we go, parenting ASD children is even tougher and we make mistakes, we learn, thats life, children dont come with instructions.

We came here hoping to get information too, to help us understand and help our sons, while we wait for the proffesionals, (and somehow I think the advice we read here will be worth alot more than that we will get from them!) You havent failed him, you have sought help and advice so that you can find better ways to parent him, instead of ignoring the issues and allowing it to carry on, that would be failing.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. Brought tears to my eyes!

[LS2242]

A new day!

 

 

Had a call from CAMHs this morning. For once I didnt need to ring them first! Phycologist has arranged a meeting with us and school staff to start putting stratergies in place to try help reduce his stress levels. Got a meeting next week as to helping device a plan of action for home too. He is concerned over my sons threats to me and he agrees with what people have said he is upping the game to press the buttons in order to get what he wants. His concern is that if he trys to up the game again to get the reaction he wants then it may go a step further. Arghhhh dosen't bare thinking about.

 

At last (well for now anyway) feel confident they are now going to help us move forwards and stop going in reverse. I personally feel alot better today, venting my frustrations on here has helped tremendously I think and it is good because someone on here can always relate to what your going through.

 

Lady from parent partnership coming next week also, so everything is starting to happen.

 

Books ordered, just need time on a beach to get the chance to read them (wishful thinking)

[JsMum]

What can I say other than it is my fault and I have let him down.

 

You havent let him down and it is not all your fault, I hope my posts havent made you feel like that, Ive had my fair share of social services/local authority trying to lay this on me and it doesnt feel nice, I would hate someone else to feel like this.

 

Without provisions, services how are you suppose to do it all by yourself, you cant, so that is why I said you need to ensure you get specialist support for his behaviour because he is so extream and he is a danger to you and himself.

 

JsMumx

 

[LS2242]

What can I say other than it is my fault and I have let him down.

 

You havent let him down and it is not all your fault, I hope my posts havent made you feel like that, Ive had my fair share of social services/local authority trying to lay this on me and it doesnt feel nice, I would hate someone else to feel like this.

 

Without provisions, services how are you suppose to do it all by yourself, you cant, so that is why I said you need to ensure you get specialist support for his behaviour because he is so extream and he is a danger to you and himself.

 

JsMumx

No your posts have not made me feel like this. I already felt this before you posted. I appreciate people's honesty and opinions. That is what I came on this site:-) Feel people know more on here and can relate to me as a mum, because many people have gone through or going through the same kind of thing. When things get on top of me I tend to start putting a guilt trip on myself. I should have done this, that or perservered more etc.. Your right also with the social services. Son was seen by a psychiatrist at CAMHs originally and she made me feel like the worse mother in the world. I have never ever ever felt so humiliated and bad in all my life. She made me feel it was all our fault.

 

Services have been slow coming and will no doubt disappear as quick as they have arrived, but I will take whatever is on offer. Sometimes I feel the prof dont believe me because he doesn't display this anger in school (which I am thankful for) and he looks as though butter wouldn't melt. When he is calm he is lovely, affectionate towards me and a pleasure to be with.

 

 

 

 

[trekster]

Is this what his anger is a form of a meltdown. I have heard of it but never really associated the two.

I will be sure to get some books. Knowledge is useful

 

If he gets so upset everything you say to him is taken the wrong way then yes it could be a meltdown.

Another possibility is puberty related depression but i found conventional anti depressants were unhelpful for me.

[trekster]

Dont be so hard on yourself, I too have often felt overwhelmed by ds and the issues we deal with day to day, questioning whether it is us to blame for all this, our parenting style, not enough discipline, too much discipline, maybe I did something wrong while I was carrying him, maybe we shouldn't have let him have his vaccines, maybe I passed down a faulty gene etc etc. its endless. I have even got to the point of telling mr w that I cant cope one more day and ds would have to go live with family...at the time, that's how I felt.

Parenting children isn't easy and we all learn as we go, parenting ASD children is even tougher and we make mistakes, we learn, that's life, children don't come with instructions.

We came here hoping to get information too, to help us understand and help our sons, while we wait for the professionals, (and somehow I think the advice we read here will be worth alot more than that we will get from them!) You havent failed him, you have sought help and advice so that you can find better ways to parent him, instead of ignoring the issues and allowing it to carry on, that would be failing.

 

Totally agree with your very helpful and supportive comments.

[LS2242]

Hi to you all

 

Just wanted to give you a positive update for a change.

 

I have listened and taken on board all your comments. And without them I would not be where I am right now, so thank you from the bottom of my heart!

 

Yesterday I purchased an egg timer which has up to an hour on it. So far so good. conditions for bedtime, computer and getting ready for school in a morning all really focus around the length of time we agree and he sets on the timer. Really good response so far. I am sure once the novility were's off he might back track a little/lot. The good thing is whilst he is following the rules, he also is being told the consequences. Up to now I have not had to follow any consequences through. I may have to in the future but I am a little stronger minded now, I understand now I have to in order to help.

 

Something as simple and cheap as this has given me a bit of breathing space in order to re compose myself. I cant say thank you enough for all your support and comments. Without honesty and personal experiences, I never would have thought an egg timer would help. I am sure we do but just to emphasise this is the most valuable website I have ever been on.