Not sure what to make of this?

[justine1]

Hi

Today was Eli's birthday and it was a great day.Anyway,Dan went to my ex's yesterday and he agreed to meet us today while dropping Dan off (since a month ago he doesnt come to my house anymore we meet in town)So we went to the park,when we were there Sam went on a large tyre swing and Dan threw a tantrum cause he wanted to go on it.Sam said to him "there is plenty of space for both of us" but Dan wasnt having that and continued to shout and began pulling Sams shirt which was strangling him.I told my ex to put Dan on with Sam he then told Sam to get off,Sam said "but both of us can sit here its for more than one person" my ex was shouting at him to get off,then he took him off and Sam said "dont touch me" and began to cry.My ex than sat Dan on the swing.My ex then came to where Sam was sitting(with me) and said "you are behaving stupidly,you should get off when I tell you too"(he tapped the back of his head) Sam kept saying the swing was big enough but my ex said "so this is how you behave this is why everyone thinks you are mad,well if you are mad you should go and live with mad people" he kept telling Sam to shut up (he was squeezing his cheeks while saying this and flicked his ear saying he should listen)Sam then cried that his cheeck was hurting and it was red,I said to my ex "you hurt him" he said "no I didnt he is being stupid."

 

I wanted to go but not make a scene,the park was packed,I said that Eli is tired we should go and he agreed.But he told Sam not to talk again,then when he was with Dan Sam said "I dont want to see him he is horrible" it was so hard Then by the time we got to the taxi,Sam had forgiven him and was saying "sorry we have to go daddy,bye." and all seemed fine

 

I am just so worried about my Sam,he is generally such a good boy and in fact yesterday he felt bad that Dan wasnt here,so he had to speak to him on the phone,even though they both said "hello" five times and kept giggling,all he wanted was to hear his voice

I dont like the way my ex keeps treating Dan like a king,everything Sam said today was right.Just feel so torn

[Boy]

That sounds like bullying to me. Sam was right in that situation and your ex had no right to take him off the swing and then proceed to call him stupid and hold him by his face. Him spoiling Dan (by rewarding his tantrums) isn't going to do Dan any favours in the long-run, either.

[JsMum]

Your ex is emotionally abusing your son, he is also Discriminating him by using his Disability to call him names such as Mad, and Stupid, if a member of staff at Js school called my son Mad and Stupid I would put in an official complaint and it would be taken seriously, he can not act this way, similairly if a member of staff where to tap his head or flick his ears, and squeeze his cheeks, actually J would flip more with actions like this than if he where to be punched and smacked, because it more sensitive, it is also covert because your ex didnt want to bring any attention to himself with what he was doing to Sam, he did it discreetly, with no real evidence that your ex assualted your son.

 

If a teacher acted like your ex did with Sam then this with J it would again be treated as assualt and taken seriously.

 

At the end of the day, Sam had possession of the swing, it was his turn, Dan should be expected to wait, or discract him with another aparatus or he sits out for five mins, Sam shouldnt be made to feel he has to sacrifice his playtime for Dan, of which he tried to include Dan by Sharing and in my book should be praised.

 

Sam was unjustifiably treated differently to Dan and then discriminated when he reacted to that infairness.

 

It is also going to effect the bond of Sam and his Brother.

 

I personally would arrange contact with supervision by social services tempary because what your ex is doing to Sam will lead to poor self esteem and reduce his confidence, Sam has a lot to deal with him as he is starting a new special school and your going to uni he will have changes that will effect him anyway.

 

JsMum

 

Edited July 12, 2010 by JsMum

[justine1]

tHANK YOU boy and Jsmum <'>

When I left him two yrs ago I was told by SS and child protection that he was emotionaly abusing and smacking(but not to the point it was considered abuse),well at the time mostly our eldest son Josh, it was even going to go to court but I felt bad for the boys who had been separated from him for 5mths,so refused for Josh to go to court.He also had convinced SS that he did none of what we said and that Josh was confused cause of us leaving.

 

He always calls Josh stupid and this has made him have very low self esteem,even though he is on the gifted and talented register and is two yrs above his peers for all subjects.I am now working on this alot.

 

He has treated Dan differently since he was born,I am glad they have a good bond and I know of other people(incl my own mother)who do seem to favour a particular child,though they dont admit so.However,Josh dislikes Dan for this very reason has he has,in the past,got into trouble because of Dan.Now Sam is getting punnished.

 

My ex will not acknowledge Sams condition,I have given him email and numbers as well as letters from all professionals.He does acknowledge Sam is "different" and recalls how clingy he was with me saying how Sam would scream if he tried to hold him or even when he entered the room.He then said the yr before I left Sam was improving on this,and that the current behaviour is a result of me leaving.

 

Because of having a bad experience with SS before I am worried to go down that route again.I dont want him to not see the kids but I have had enough of the way he behaves.I have been meaning to see a solicitor but there is just one,where I live, that specialises in family law and they charge for initial consultation(thereafter I can get legal aid) so I need to scrap the cash together then hopefully get something sorted.

 

Thank you all.

[JsMum]

My ex will not acknowledge Sams condition,I have given him email and numbers as well as letters from all professionals. Bottom line is that Sam has AS, a disability of which your ex is discriminating him, if he doesnt believe it or cant except it should be kept to himself, not portray negative and abusive insults to Sam, if it where to go to court with the evidence that Sam has AS a judge wouldnt really care at the end of the day if your ex disagreed because bottom line Sam has AS.

 

http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/gateway/family.jsp

 

This is a free advice line, they may be able to find you a solisitor, I have a solisitor but Ive never met her, its done throw the phone, email and letter.

 

Also your contact arrangements may not be nessasary have to go throw a social services centre, it could be throw an independant sector that have specialist staff with understanding of your sons AS needs or behavioural needs, so ensure that if contact is arranged then its with proffessionals with ASD training.

 

I personally wouldnt to make any more arrangements for contact until a professional has advised me of my choices with regards where and with whom and when contact is made.

 

JsMumx

Edited July 12, 2010 by JsMum

[trekster]

Your ex is emotionally abusing your son, he is also Discriminating him by using his Disability to call him names such as Mad, and Stupid, if a member of staff at Js school called my son Mad and Stupid I would put in an official complaint and it would be taken seriously, he can not act this way, similarly if a member of staff where to tap his head or flick his ears, and squeeze his cheeks, actually J would flip more with actions like this than if he where to be punched and smacked, because it more sensitive, it is also covert because your ex didn't want to bring any attention to himself with what he was doing to Sam, he did it discreetly, with no real evidence that your ex assaulted your son.

 

If a teacher acted like your ex did with Sam then this with J it would again be treated as assault and taken seriously.

 

Totally agree with JsMum. Is there any way you could get supervised visits only (if at all) with your ex.

At the end of the day, Sam had possession of the swing, it was his turn, Dan should be expected to wait, or distract him with another apparatus or he sits out for five mins, Sam shouldn't be made to feel he has to sacrifice his playtime for Dan, of which he tried to include Dan by Sharing and in my book should be praised.

 

Agree again sam was doing something that can be difficult for an autistic, sharing his play with another person.

Sam was unjustifiably treated differently to Dan and then discriminated when he reacted to that unfairness.

 

It is also going to effect the bond of Sam and his Brother.

 

I personally would arrange contact with supervision by social services temporary because what your ex is doing to Sam will lead to poor self esteem and reduce his confidence, Sam has a lot to deal with him as he is starting a new special school and your going to uni he will have changes that will effect him anyway.

 

JsMum

 

My dads hurtful and bullying behaviour still affects me to this day and hes been dead for sometime now. he used to call me a thicko if i didn't understand what he meant and also pushed me around.

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think your ex behaved inappropriately so say the least. Children on the spectrum often have low self-esteem and confidence and your ex behaved like a bully. Telling a child to shut up, calling them stupid, etc, squeezing their cheeks, flicking their ears, etc are awful things to do and could be considered as a form of abuse. Obviously I don't know your ex or a lot about your situation, but my concern would be that if your ex-behaves like that in a stiuation which isn't particularly stressful, how does he behave when he's feeling stressed ie he thinks kids are playing up big time - would he lash out, etc, etc? It's also incredibly worrying the effect that this has on the kids.

 

With kids it can be a tough call when handling possession situations ie do you let kiddo have a 'timed' turn (had he had a long go on the swing already?), or do you accept the very mature compromise that kiddo made ie sharing?

 

Much easier said than done (and I'm not in your position), but unless your ex can learn to accept Sam as he is and handle things appropriately, I wouldn't be allowing access (supervised or otherwise) to any of the kids.

 

Wish I could give constructive advice, but unfortunately can't. Just wanted to convey that I agree with your concerns.

 

Caroline.

[justine1]

Hi

 

I think your ex behaved inappropriately so say the least. Children on the spectrum often have low self-esteem and confidence and your ex behaved like a bully. Telling a child to shut up, calling them stupid, etc, squeezing their cheeks, flicking their ears, etc are awful things to do and could be considered as a form of abuse. Obviously I don't know your ex or a lot about your situation, but my concern would be that if your ex-behaves like that in a stiuation which isn't particularly stressful, how does he behave when he's feeling stressed ie he thinks kids are playing up big time - would he lash out, etc, etc? It's also incredibly worrying the effect that this has on the kids.

 

With kids it can be a tough call when handling possession situations ie do you let kiddo have a 'timed' turn (had he had a long go on the swing already?), or do you accept the very mature compromise that kiddo made ie sharing?

 

Much easier said than done (and I'm not in your position), but unless your ex can learn to accept Sam as he is and handle things appropriately, I wouldn't be allowing access (supervised or otherwise) to any of the kids.

 

Wish I could give constructive advice, but unfortunately can't. Just wanted to convey that I agree with your concerns.

 

Caroline.

Thank you very much <'> The main reason I left my ex was because of this type of behaviour.He is in a small apartment and cannot care for all four boys,so fortunatley he doesnt get into a situation whereby he is stressed.I used to work nights and weekends,nights were not bad as the boys were put to bed before I left,but on the weekends Josh(my eldest) would constantly suffer asthma attacks and always be shking visably upset,I knew he was hitting him,but I had no where to go and no option but to work as I wasnt able to get any benefits.Since then Josh has had just two attacks in two years,so I know he was causing stress.

 

Because I dont have any outside help and havent had any break when he does see the boys it helps me out,maybe that is selfish but thats the predicament I am in. Dan(4) is very close to his dad and he wastes away when he doesnt see him,so of course my ex wont see him and not the others,even though he still spends more time with Dan.H eactually wanted Dan to live with him but over a month ago we had an argument and didnt contact the boys for 4weeks!!! I now decided because of this,and other reasons,I dont want Dan to live with him.He was also close to Josh and then Sam but as soon as they were old enough(around 5) to form their own opinions he started to discipline them the wrong way.

Edited July 13, 2010 by justine1

[baranigirl]

I would tell him to do one!

 

NOBODY puts baby in the corner!

 

Big hugs <'>

[Mumble]

my ex said "so this is how you behave this is why everyone thinks you are mad,well if you are mad you should go and live with mad people" he kept telling Sam to shut up (he was squeezing his cheeks while saying this and flicked his ear saying he should listen)Sam then cried that his cheek was hurting and it was red,I said to my ex "you hurt him" he said "no I didn't he is being stupid."

My father used to treat me in a similar way, telling me I was not normal. He was also severely physically abusive and as both my parents neglected me I was under the care of social services and on the child protection register. My mother still uses language like this on me so I limit contact to a few times a year. I haven't seen my father for over 15 years but what he did to me affects me every day of my life still. There is not a day that goes by when I don't have thoughts of some of the things he put me through, the things he said and that I don't dream of how different things could have been "if only". Please, please protect your children from this and don't put them through what is abuse. There has to be another way to get your son to eat or respite for yourself. It is not true that contact with both parents is always for the best; sometimes a total break is better.

 

[justine1]

My father used to treat me in a similar way, telling me I was not normal. He was also severely physically abusive and as both my parents neglected me I was under the care of social services and on the child protection register. My mother still uses language like this on me so I limit contact to a few times a year. I haven't seen my father for over 15 years but what he did to me affects me every day of my life still. There is not a day that goes by when I don't have thoughts of some of the things he put me through, the things he said and that I don't dream of how different things could have been "if only". Please, please protect your children from this and don't put them through what is abuse. There has to be another way to get your son to eat or respite for yourself. It is not true that contact with both parents is always for the best; sometimes a total break is better.

Thank you Mumble <'> I really appreciate that.I do protect them as best as I can,I am hoping to now take the steps to get the law to back this up.I am a stronger person than I was two years ago so I think he will carry it through this time.I dont want him not to have access but I think if he isnt going to change than he is letting himself and his kids down.

 

To be honest I dont get much of a break anyway,so wont be much difference if he was to not see them at all.Just they do ask of him over time,even though he behaves that way.I would have thought with SS being involved before that he would be more cautious and in fact havent seen the physical side to it since I left him.

 

Thanks again everyone

[trekster]

My father used to treat me in a similar way, telling me I was not normal. He was also severely physically abusive and as both my parents neglected me I was under the care of social services and on the child protection register. My mother still uses language like this on me so I limit contact to a few times a year. I haven't seen my father for over 15 years but what he did to me affects me every day of my life still. There is not a day that goes by when I don't have thoughts of some of the things he put me through, the things he said and that I don't dream of how different things could have been "if only". Please, please protect your children from this and don't put them through what is abuse. There has to be another way to get your son to eat or respite for yourself. It is not true that contact with both parents is always for the best; sometimes a total break is better.

 

ive got a similar history and had to live with my gran due to my dads abusive behaviour. My mum isn't a problem in that respect now Dads no longer around. Totally agree with mumble here, my mum has been a single parent of 3 for about 17 years now but she refused to kick him out so i had to live with Gran. if i hadnt i dont think my diagnosis would have happened as the school knew my gran from her previous job. A clean break makes folk better and stronger people.