yet another relationship problem

[matzoball]

so i guess i couldn't stay away lol

 

have 2 fairly major problems that have happened over the last 3 days -

 

1. Friday in work there were 3 radios all playing different music - one was really loud to the point I was sitting with my hands over my ears. I ask my manager to ask the person to turn it down a bit - he refused saying that I have an ipod(which i don't play very often) and it would be hypocritical. I told him why(even though he is aware of my hypersensitivity) and he said ' what do you expect me to do about it'. Then he literally told me I had to put up with it. I called Prospects, but they have been really slow in getting back to me. I am not sure but is this classed as discrimination? As in my work not prospects.

 

2. Last night went back to the dudes house, the mum had been into the lambrini again - she asked why i was there, and I told her I forgot my iPod. She said it wasn't that urgent that I needed my iPod - tried to explain I need it to drown out crowds, something to focus on etc. She said I was stupid. Then when I explained why, she said oh that's another thing wrong with you - you seem to have a different thing wrong with you every week. I tried to explain that AS isn't just one trait and she said that was BS. I tried to explain why I keep asking her to stop hugging me - and she said I was full of it.

 

I then explained what happened at work to try and demonstrate the different ways my AS affects me and she said 'oh another person who picks on you it's never your fault is it?' Then she called me hard work. So i said i'm obviously not worth it then and tried to leave - she then shouted after me that i was worth it but she was going to approach my mum at her work(my mum is a care worker) and 'find out what i'm really like'.

 

So I told her no(not because I have anything to hide, but because my mum would basically thump her for hurting me) - if she had any questions about my AS, to ask me or even read my report. She said she didn't want to read it. I said that she should know about AS, as she is a care worker too - and she said I have never seen anyone with 'assburgers who acts like you'.

 

I know for a fact she's only ever supported one woman her whole career - and she has a physical disability not mental.

 

I got Adam to drive me home because I couldn't stay in that house, and told him everything - he was going to speak to her but I made him promise to stay out of it, support me but not take sides. He said she's always nasty when she's drunk - but this went way beyond her being drunk, I

 

Now I really am at a loss what to do - I haven't slept a wink over this and I feel completely betrayed. I keep fighting to make her accept me, and she keeps moving the goalposts. Now I know she really does hate me, but I have to try and sort this out if my relationship with Adam is to keep going.

[justine1]

Hi

 

I am not too sure about the issue with work,I guess it would depend on just how loud the music was,I know where I have worked in the past music is played for all to hear but doesnt go over a certain volume.Not sure if the person was playing it on their ipod(?) if not, what the manager said to you would be wrong,if the person was listening to music on a stereo/cd player for all to hear and the manager compared to you listening on your ipod it hardly seems reasonable.At the same token if you listen on your ipod at a reasonable volume and this person didnt then that again is not fair.

 

As for the relationship...My mum gave me a piece of advice a few years ago "Never enter into a conversation/argument with a drunk" one of the best advice she has ever given.It is basically like talking to a brick wall,so when you went round and could suss out she was drunk you should have walked away.Going on to talk about your AS was definatly not a good idea. I am not defending her but this is just a fact.

 

I would say from now on do not go to the house at all without your boyfriend,no matter what.If you forget something get him to bring it for you,just text him or something.Even if you go a day without your ipod,maybe you can have a cheap portable cd player or similar as a Plan B if you do forget it.

Secondly I would reduce the time you are there(I think I said this before ) The weather is good at the moment,hopefully for at least two mths,you can maybe go to the park, and find other cheap things to do,then go to his when nobody is about or in the evening.Is there a reason why he cannot go to your families home?

I would also say if it continues this way you will have to stop going there altogether.Just see him in a public place(if he cant go to yours) and wait until you got your own place.I know that is hard,I had to do this myself when I was dating my husband only saw him on Saturdays for a meal or movie for three mths.But it would be better than her breaking you down and then you having to end your relationship.

 

[matzoball]

Hi

 

I am not too sure about the issue with work,I guess it would depend on just how loud the music was,I know where I have worked in the past music is played for all to hear but doesnt go over a certain volume.Not sure if the person was playing it on their ipod(?) if not, what the manager said to you would be wrong,if the person was listening to music on a stereo/cd player for all to hear and the manager compared to you listening on your ipod it hardly seems reasonable.At the same token if you listen on your ipod at a reasonable volume and this person didnt then that again is not fair.

 

As for the relationship...My mum gave me a piece of advice a few years ago "Never enter into a conversation/argument with a drunk" one of the best advice she has ever given.It is basically like talking to a brick wall,so when you went round and could suss out she was drunk you should have walked away.Going on to talk about your AS was definatly not a good idea. I am not defending her but this is just a fact.

 

I would say from now on do not go to the house at all without your boyfriend,no matter what.If you forget something get him to bring it for you,just text him or something.Even if you go a day without your ipod,maybe you can have a cheap portable cd player or similar as a Plan B if you do forget it.

Secondly I would reduce the time you are there(I think I said this before ) The weather is good at the moment,hopefully for at least two mths,you can maybe go to the park, and find other cheap things to do,then go to his when nobody is about or in the evening.Is there a reason why he cannot go to your families home?

I would also say if it continues this way you will have to stop going there altogether.Just see him in a public place(if he cant go to yours) and wait until you got your own place.I know that is hard,I had to do this myself when I was dating my husband only saw him on Saturdays for a meal or movie for three mths.But it would be better than her breaking you down and then you having to end your relationship.

 

 

just to clarify - adam had come back to the house with me, and was in the loo when this all happened.

 

i agree distance is probably one of the measures I am going to have to take, but i have a very volatile home life so it's not an option for adam to come over to mine. the saving for my own place is taking a while but we both agree once i have it, things will get a lot better.

 

i regret speaking back to her, especially having to explain about my as again - but she keeps pushing me about it, basically saying there is nothing wrong with me. the fact that she keeps hugging me when she knows it hurts is getting to me, and then trying to involve my mum by trying to find out what i am 'really' like says to me that she thinks i put it all on. it's really really hurtful.

[Tally]

I wouldn't bother trying to explain your AS to her. She's obviously not interested. You could have just said you wanted your iPod because you wanted your iPod and left it at that.

[matzoball]

I wouldn't bother trying to explain your AS to her. She's obviously not interested. You could have just said you wanted your iPod because you wanted your iPod and left it at that.

 

i actually went to get my ipod today - and was shocked to find she was actually sorry!

 

don't know what to make of that!

[baranigirl]

music being played in a public place such as a work place needs to have an entertainment licence to be played

[trekster]

so i guess i couldn't stay away lol

 

have 2 fairly major problems that have happened over the last 3 days -

 

1. Friday in work there were 3 radios all playing different music - one was really loud to the point I was sitting with my hands over my ears. I ask my manager to ask the person to turn it down a bit - he refused saying that I have an ipod(which i don't play very often) and it would be hypocritical. I told him why(even though he is aware of my hypersensitivity) and he said ' what do you expect me to do about it'. Then he literally told me I had to put up with it. I called Prospects, but they have been really slow in getting back to me. I am not sure but is this classed as discrimination? As in my work not prospects.

 

i would say yes as he could try and find you an area of the office where the least amount of radio overload was playing.

2. Last night went back to the dudes house, the mum had been into the lambrini again - she asked why i was there, and I told her I forgot my iPod. She said it wasn't that urgent that I needed my iPod - tried to explain I need it to drown out crowds, something to focus on etc. She said I was stupid. Then when I explained why, she said oh that's another thing wrong with you - you seem to have a different thing wrong with you every week. I tried to explain that AS isn't just one trait and she said that was BS. I tried to explain why I keep asking her to stop hugging me - and she said I was full of it.

 

I then explained what happened at work to try and demonstrate the different ways my AS affects me and she said 'oh another person who picks on you it's never your fault is it?' Then she called me hard work. So i said i'm obviously not worth it then and tried to leave - she then shouted after me that i was worth it but she was going to approach my mum at her work(my mum is a care worker) and 'find out what i'm really like'.

 

So I told her no(not because I have anything to hide, but because my mum would basically thump her for hurting me) - if she had any questions about my AS, to ask me or even read my report. She said she didn't want to read it. I said that she should know about AS, as she is a care worker too - and she said I have never seen anyone with 'assburgers who acts like you'.

 

This cow deserves the sack for her totally outrageous behaviour.

I know for a fact she's only ever supported one woman her whole career - and she has a physical disability not mental.

 

I got Adam to drive me home because I couldn't stay in that house, and told him everything - he was going to speak to her but I made him promise to stay out of it, support me but not take sides. He said she's always nasty when she's drunk - but this went way beyond her being drunk, I

 

Now I really am at a loss what to do - I haven't slept a wink over this and I feel completely betrayed. I keep fighting to make her accept me, and she keeps moving the goalposts. Now I know she really does hate me, but I have to try and sort this out if my relationship with Adam is to keep going.

 

Im confused, is Adam your boss? Do you have to see his mum?

 

[trekster]

I wouldn't bother trying to explain your AS to her. She's obviously not interested. You could have just said you wanted your iPod because you wanted your iPod and left it at that.

 

Agreed there are some people who are never going to understand Aspergers. My mum for example (and this also cuts me up) doesn't understand my aspergers, she accepts i have it but also feels im trying to get attention. She rarely understands my viewpoint on my aspects of my aspergers (or on my observations of her very AS behaviour).

 

Do you qualify for accommodation in your area?

[trekster]

i actually went to get my ipod today - and was shocked to find she was actually sorry!

 

don't know what to make of that!

 

Sounds like drunk aftermath behaviour.

[matzoball]

Sounds like drunk aftermath behaviour.

 

Adam is my boyfriend, and the drunk person is his mum - because neither of us have our own place yet(and my house is a warzone), we can only spend time with each other at his mums house(he still lives there).

 

I have had varying degrees of success avoiding her. But when she is like this, she gets nasty very quickly and most of the time she doesn't remember.

 

I agree about the drunk aftermath behaviour - I've read about it and seen it on tv but never for myself. Don't think I am going to wake the beast and say she has a drinking problem though(which i think she does) - that's a battle I definitely won't come out of well!

 

When she apologised she pretty much said what you said about the way your mum behaves - she just doesn't understand where I am coming from, and thinks I am trying to get attention etc

 

My brother is the exact same - doesn't understand why I find some things ok to handle, but not things that he regards simple.

 

I am on the housing list, and just filled in a medical form to add to my application(didn't know about this until about a week ago). So hopefully that will do something

 

 

[trekster]

Good luck and let us know if we can help.