any tips on how I can keep things in perspective

[jet28]

As a new member to this forum I thought I would ask if anyone can give me advice on how to reign myself in during moments of frustration with my sons condition.

 

As an Aspergers sufferer he often gets an idea into his head and that is final!!!!!! And that is completely fine I have to say.

 

I however, sometimes battle like crazy with him and really wish I didn't as these situations often occur over very trivial things that don't matter to me but for some reason, It becomes a battle of wills and I get rather upset over them.

 

For example: he set his sights on an old camera that he saw at a car boot sale (which didn't work, and you can't even buy the film anymore!!). This was £10 and he was going to buy it out of his own money. I on the other hand didn't want to see him waste his money on something that didn't work and would rather he spent the money on something functional or something that he could get use out of. I know it shouldn't matter what he spends his money on and as a parent I have always said that he can spend his money on what he likes. However, I still found myself struggling and battling with myself over this and was so frustrated when he bought it. He was unaware of how I felt as I made sure he didn't see me struggle with this.

 

I know this sounds like madness, but does anyone have any tips on how I can overcome my frustrations over situations like this....

 

Joyce

[AdamJ]

I feel very qualified to answer this one!

 

I also have a camera 'fetish.' He's probably not interested in the current capability of the camera to take photographs; cameras generally are beautiful pieces of engineering and he's probably interested from that angle. I buy obsolete cameras all the time on ebay and I couldn't care less that I will never take a picture with them; they are such beautiful things! Please don't deny him this pleasure!

 

Adam x

[jet28]

thanks for the reply Adam. I hadn't thought of that angle I have to say, he may well be more interested from that perspective as he does love engineering and how things are made. Would you have any tips for me on how to keep it in perspective when he gets these thoughts on buying things.

many thanks

Joyce

[AdamJ]

I'm not sure I can advise on how you keep things in perspective (maybe an NT can answer that one) but my advice would be:

 

1) Steer him towards obsolete cameras because they're cheaper. Apart from car booties, Ebay is probably the best place to get them but the danger of introducing him to Ebay is that it might fuel his obsession because there are so many cameras for sale there!

 

2) Try and keep him on camera bodies. If he gets an interest in lenses as well, the hobby becomes yet more expensive!

 

Best of luck,

 

Adam

Edited July 18, 2010 by AdamJ

[JsMum]

I feel very qualified to answer this one!

 

I also have a camera 'fetish.' He's probably not interested in the current capability of the camera to take photographs; cameras generally are beautiful pieces of engineering and he's probably interested from that angle. I buy obsolete cameras all the time on ebay and I couldn't care less that I will never take a picture with them; they are such beautiful things! Please don't deny him this pleasure!

 

Adam x

 

 

I absaloutly loved your opening line and I think you gave a fantastic perspective, you did make me chuckle!

 

What about a camera club, Im sure there will be others out their who love the same hobby.

 

Did he buy the camera in the end?

 

JsMumx

 

[baddad]

Hi jet 28 -

 

I think 'keeping it in perspective is' always a good way to go, but i also think you have to keep the 'perspective' in perspective too, iyswim... it is a possibility that your son has/is developing a 'camera fetish' (or 'collectors interest') in old photographic equipment, especially if this isn't the first he's bought, but it is also equally possible that he just wanted it and was a bit bl00dy-minded in his determination to own it. Not all behaviour happens because of autism (otherwise non-autistic kids wouldn't badger their parents for stuff they ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE only to lose interest in it five minutes later and/or switch their affections to something else they ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE). It is just normal behaviour for kids - and many adults - alike, and it has nothing to do with autism and it is perfectly reasonable to say no sometimes or to lock horns with them over it.

That your son should be able to spend his pocket money on whatever he wants is entirely reasonable, but it's also reasonable for you to say 'well IMO it is a waste of money, and it's part of the learning curve towards appreciating possessions and the value of money for you to say 'told you so' if a few days after the purchase they arrive at the same conclusion! So I don't think it's wrong for you to feel frustrated or anything or to share those feelings with him, or to have an expectation for him to listen to you say that without getting upset about it - It's more a matter of how you approach it rather than not approaching it at all, as it were...

 

The other thing I would say is that, IMO, it is not fine for any child - autistic or otherwise - to get an idea in their head and for that to be 'final'. The world just doesn't work like that, and allowing him to think that it does/can, or that it will because he is autistic, is setting you and him up for a very rocky future. For most autistic kids the art of 'negotiation' is a difficult one to learn, but it is one of the single most valuable social and life skills they need to learn. It's the basis of friendships, school life, working life, playtime - everything!

 

Hope that's helpful, and that if the camera thing does turn out to be a collectors obssession that it brings him many years of pleasure

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh - PS: If it is (or becomes) a huge interest make sure to capitalise on it. Thinking outside of the box you can teach anything using anything (my son's 'obsession' with wacky races taught him how to tell the time, how to read & write etc), and as far as sanctions and rewards go you're tapping straight in to their motivators!

[call me jaded]

It's his money, you've told him he can spend it how he wishes so maybe you can help him find a way of dealing with bad purchases. My nine year old went through a phase of this and he has learnt to sell things he doesn't want on ebay.

 

I'm sure we can all find things in the back of the wardrobe that have been bought and never worn. That's my equivalent and I'm now ruthless at returning them or giving them away.

 

The other thing about being unmovable is that you have to pick your battles. My own son has some very rigid thinking about some things. It took time to establish but DS now understands that my word is final. It's not something I use often but children do need to have boundaries, to understand those boundaries and to have an adult who will be consistent in where the boundary lies. There are communication barriers in autism that make this difficult to establish but they can be established. I wouldn't, however, change the boundaries which is what you would be doing if you tried to influence his spending.

 

It helps if you think through where the boundaries are. For me it was anything to do with unacceptable behaviour. So no biting, scratching, hitting, kicking or anything else that will get you arrested as an adult. That's where I am completely unmovable. Anything else is open to negotiation, but I'm no pushover. It produces very independent children.

Edited July 18, 2010 by call me jaded

[jet28]

thanks baddad and call me jaded for the advice and tips. There are some very good points from both of you that I can tap into. It's comforting to know that I can log onto this site and vent my spleen as it were.

 

JSMum, yes he did buy the camera. He is very pleased with it and would like to buy more!!!

 

thanks alot.

 

Jet 28 (aka Joyce)

[KezT]

I think that you need to think about what it is that is making you lose perspective. Is it only on specific issues (like "wasting" his money)? or is it when you are having a partcuarly stressful day? or maybe its another beaviour that sets you on edge?

 

We have triggers just like our kids - if you can find the trigger you may be able to eliminate the problem!

Edited July 18, 2010 by KezT

[chris54]

If this is the start of a obsession about collecting cameras, dont forget that there are plenty of people who's obsession has led them into a career. It only becomes a problem if you spend more than you can afford. (or you run out of spare to store it all) I only spend (Try to) what I make by selling. I and my wife are both life long collectors, ( our interests are too wide to go into here.) Every so often we have to have a clear out to make space for the next lot.