Mum is very unsupportive of my Autism? :(

[Candyfloss]

I have spent hours and hours moaning at her about my autism and saying what its like etc

 

she doesnt say anything afterwards - she has lost respect for me

 

she used ot try and get me to school - i (could settle in) - i used to be really upset i was used, bullied by teachers, didnt understand work and just couldnt cope - i asked her why she didnt get me any autim help - she just said - i was doing what the education people told me to do

 

and i ask her - mum what things am i good at? - she says - i dont know - she just doesnt what to help me

 

she would have a smile on her face on the car - and that made me angry - that i had a said i had a horrible day but all she would do is smile?

 

today - i asked her about something - she gave a dumb answer (i said about a modeling thing - would we be supplied with clothes or bring our own - she said you have got alot of nice clothes - i felt insulted - i said - yea - but i wouldnt just weat a boring t shirt for something like that

 

i slapped her an dran to the other room - she rain to me and hit me - after a few of those - i got some water and threw it at her and ran upstaris

 

she has never been there for me emotionaly - she never helped me

 

other mums (eg on this website) really care for their as child - my mum doesnt atall - she doesnt know or want to know about as (((

 

 

[Tally]

It's pretty normal to have problems relating to your parents in your teenage years.

 

It can be very difficult to get the right support for autistic children. If a parent is told, "we can't do anything more," then some parents will not realise they can dispute that. Or they may lack a support network. Your mum might not have realised she could challenge the situation, and may not be in contact with people who could have helped her get the right support for you. The fact that she was in contact with "the education people" suggests she was trying to get you some support and was doing what she was told was the right thing.

 

I'm not sure why it is insulting to be told you have a lot of nice clothes, or why that made you slap your mum. It sounds like she was trying to reassure you, and I bet she was a bit confused when she got a slap for her efforts. If this is how you behave when she tries to support you, it's not really surprising she's stopped.

 

Maybe you could try to talk to your mum at a time when you are both calm. You might be able to find some common ground.

[trekster]

My mum has problems understanding my aspergers. We had an issue today with my playmobile characters, family don't understand they are a social anxiety thing (feel edgy at dinner tables unless out in public where family have less complaints about me).

 

i keep being told its not age appropriate behaviour but i have read in many books about autism and so called challenging behaviour that "provided the behaviour doesn't harm or upset others it should be permitted". i can be quieter with my playmobils and even went silent with them but mum just kept on at me.

 

Shes most definitely aspergers but she has been supportive to me in practical ways. For example giving me lifts, having me stay over so i can wake up in time to get my train and taking me to the station and the other day she picked me up from the station to get my paper driving licence and take me back to the station. i couldn't have passed my theory test without her help. i accept that mum wont ever be there for me emotionally but shows her love in other ways.

[bluebudedog]

I have spent hours and hours moaning at her about my autism and saying what its like etc

 

she doesnt say anything afterwards - she has lost respect for me

 

she used ot try and get me to school - i (could settle in) - i used to be really upset i was used, bullied by teachers, didnt understand work and just couldnt cope - i asked her why she didnt get me any autim help - she just said - i was doing what the education people told me to do

 

and i ask her - mum what things am i good at? - she says - i dont know - she just doesnt what to help me

 

she would have a smile on her face on the car - and that made me angry - that i had a said i had a horrible day but all she would do is smile?

 

today - i asked her about something - she gave a dumb answer (i said about a modeling thing - would we be supplied with clothes or bring our own - she said you have got alot of nice clothes - i felt insulted - i said - yea - but i wouldnt just weat a boring t shirt for something like that

 

i slapped her an dran to the other room - she rain to me and hit me - after a few of those - i got some water and threw it at her and ran upstaris

 

she has never been there for me emotionaly - she never helped me

 

other mums (eg on this website) really care for their as child - my mum doesnt atall - she doesnt know or want to know about as (((

 

 

hi, reading your letter i felt so much sympathy for your mother,ofcause she loves and respects you.you are her child,part of her she will always love you...but she is only human...she has her own problems and sometimes just reaches overload....the problem with someone with aspergers is that they have no empathy...they can not feel other peoples problems.......i know all this as i am the mother of a 23 year old daughter with suspected aspergers ....i must say that she has never used physical abuse only mental.....if,as you admit you go on for hours at your mum and then she doesn't say any thing it is probably that she has nothing left in her head to say and i suspect she knows what ever she says will only make you go on more...if she smiles when you say that it is a horrid day it is probably because she is trying to stop herself falling into a depression,,and she knows she must stay strong to look after you.........because she loves you....

 

[baddad]

the problem with someone with aspergers is that they have no empathy...they can not feel other peoples problems.......i know all this as i am the mother of a 23 year old daughter with suspected aspergers ....i must say that she has never used physical abuse only mental.....

 

Hi blubudedog -

 

Sorry to be 'picking up' on something in your first post, but I hope you'll appreciate the reason why and that I am not doing so in any 'judgemental' way.

The thing is, that people with autism and aspergers can and do have empathy, and many people with aspergers or autism reading your generalised comment would be deeply offended. Of course, some people with autism struggle hugely in this area (so too do many 'neurotypical' people, BTW), and for others it is more a 'considered' act of empathy than an 'intrinsic' one, but that shouldn't, once the conceptual connections have been made, be taken as an indication that feelings and consideration for others are in any way diminished. Obviously your experiences with your own daughter are going to colour your thinking on this, but, as with every other aspect of human personality/psychology there are few universals. Equally, all people are the sum of all their life experiences, so many external factors will also play a huge part in how we interact and behave towards others.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'mental abuse', but in one sense this can be an indicator of very highly developed empathy, because it takes just as much understanding of another individual to 'hurt' them by exploiting their weaknesses as it does to please them by fulfilling them and meeting their emotional needs. But that is not a lack of empathy. More probably you feel that your daughter hurts you unintentionally by enacting behaviours that upset you, and while it is no less hurtful it may help you to think of that as a lack of awareness rather than as an 'abusive' act. Somewhere else on the forum recently a definition of 'abuse' linked the word with 'intent', - ie that if your daughter doesn't intend any hurt then it is not 'abuse'. I don't think it is or can be quite that clear cut, but i do think that any interpretation of an abusive act has to consider the intent too, because, as with the original point on empathy, any judgements made will depend as much on the make-up of the viewer as they do the character of the person enacting the behaviour.

 

I hope that's helpful.

 

Candyfloss - all of the above applies to you/your mum too. Without overlooking the possibility that your mum does get frustrated and say less than helpful things (which as bluebudedog has pointed out is something all parents are guilty of to a greater or lesser degree), the comments you highlighted about her speaking while she thought you were sleeping do sound like things I would say affectionately about my own son. In fact, I say things that, written down in black and white, would seem much worse - and he says them back to me - but the difference is we both know the intention behind them.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Jannih]

It seems that your mum may have run out of resources and feels powerless to help. That's probably why she says nothing or just smiles when you try to speak to her about your autism. Although I don't know much about your personal situation, I do know that parents are fobbed off by the professionanls who are supposed to help and offer guidance, especially if their child does not exhibit behaviours that causes disturbance to others. She may have felt overawed by those in authority and did not know how to push through for the help that was required for you.

 

The other thing to consider is that a lot of parents, somehow think they might be to blame for their children's condition. Even though it is proven that this is not the case, some will go into denial that there is a problem at all.

 

My mum was in denial about my sister. It was in the 1960s that the primary school head mistress told my mum that little sister needed a psychiatrist as she was disturbing thev rest of the class with her hyperactive behaviour. If the Head Mistress had said nothing, I don't think my mum would have done anything. It was obvious to everyone she had a problem, and when someone suggested a support group for the parents of "mentally handicapped" children, my mum felt grossly insulted and said their was nothing at all wrong with little sister. I think she felt that it was a reflection of her as a parent, hence the denial.

 

Try not to blame your mum, she also needs support. There is no such thing as a good mother but there are good enough mothers. She could have done far worse by you eg. hit you back, neglected you, place you in care and not bought you any clothes at all !

 

 

[Mumble]

the problem with someone with aspergers is that they have no empathy...they can not feel other peoples problems.......

The DSM IV makes no mention of empathy in the diagnostic criteria for AS. Yes, empathy may be impaired or different (perhaps worked out more logically) but to say someone with AS has no empathy is very negative indeed and holding such a belief is likely to be detrimental to any relationship, including a mother/daughter one.

 

[zenemu]

the problem with someone with aspergers is that they have no empathy...they can not feel other peoples problems.......i know all this as i am the mother of a 23 year old daughter with suspected aspergers ....i must say that she has never used physical abuse only mental.....

 

Actually people with Aspergers can be and often are very empathetic. The appearence of no empathy is often down to not interpreting facial expressions and emotional queues in others. In these cases the person with Aspergers is often completely unaware of any pain or distress another may be feeling. It has nothing to do with being unable to feel emotion. In fact when they become aware of those things thay are often over emotional. I'm sorry, but we are not pod people. Whatever issues your daughter has with reguard to mental abuse are not symptomatic of Aspergers Syndrome, and to be honest I don't think pointing those issues out in this type of thread where someone is seeking help and are obviously confused is particularly helpful.

 

Candyfloss,

 

I know you feel the need to talk to your mother, and that is great, it really is, but you need to talk about your Autism a little at a time, so she has time to think about what you have said, that way she can take it all in and she will slowly take it all in. I know it can be very frustrating, especially when you are trying to get a point across, but people just don't seem to understand, but you look at things in a way that is unique to you, and it will often take a while for your mum to understand, so you need to be patient with her.

[Karen A]

. I don't think it is or can be quite that clear cut, but i do think that any interpretation of an abusive act has to consider the intent too, because, as with the original point on empathy, any judgements made will depend as much on the make-up of the viewer as they do the character of the person enacting the behaviour.

 

 

L&P

 

BD

 

I don't agree that any judgements made will depend as much on the make-up of the viewer as they do the character of the person enacting the behaviour.

Many individuals who are abusive use such judgements about the make-up of the viewer to justify their behaviour Eg'' it is only harmless teasing but the other person perceives it as abuse'' or'' if the other person was not so difficult unreasonable behaviour would not be necessary.''

 

The NSPCC recognise that part of the process of abuse is the way in which an abuser can lead an individual to feel worthless or that they deserved to be treated badly.In this context the idea that you appear to sugggest that any judgement could depend on the make-up of the viewer concerns me.

Professionals in the field recognise that whilst abuse may be unintentional it can never be justified as being anything to do with the make up of the viewer.

 

For anyone attempting to take responsibility for abusive behaviour the first step has to be in admiting that it is their problem whether it was intended or not.

Otherwise it is all to easy to blame the make-up of the victim.

It is a good job that you posted your post here and not on a Forum for victims of domestic violence.Any suggestion that an individual might justify their behaviour by even mentioning the make up of the victim and you would be chewed up and spat out

Karen..

Edited July 26, 2010 by Karen A

[bluebudedog]

Hi blubudedog -

 

Sorry to be 'picking up' on something in your first post, but I hope you'll appreciate the reason why and that I am not doing so in any 'judgemental' way.

The thing is, that people with autism and aspergers can and do have empathy, and many people with aspergers or autism reading your generalised comment would be deeply offended. Of course, some people with autism struggle hugely in this area (so too do many 'neurotypical' people, BTW), and for others it is more a 'considered' act of empathy than an 'intrinsic' one, but that shouldn't, once the conceptual connections have been made, be taken as an indication that feelings and consideration for others are in any way diminished. Obviously your experiences with your own daughter are going to colour your thinking on this, but, as with every other aspect of human personality/psychology there are few universals. Equally, all people are the sum of all their life experiences, so many external factors will also play a huge part in how we interact and behave towards others.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'mental abuse', but in one sense this can be an indicator of very highly developed empathy, because it takes just as much understanding of another individual to 'hurt' them by exploiting their weaknesses as it does to please them by fulfilling them and meeting their emotional needs. But that is not a lack of empathy. More probably you feel that your daughter hurts you unintentionally by enacting behaviours that upset you, and while it is no less hurtful it may help you to think of that as a lack of awareness rather than as an 'abusive' act. Somewhere else on the forum recently a definition of 'abuse' linked the word with 'intent', - ie that if your daughter doesn't intend any hurt then it is not 'abuse'. I don't think it is or can be quite that clear cut, but i do think that any interpretation of an abusive act has to consider the intent too, because, as with the original point on empathy, any judgements made will depend as much on the make-up of the viewer as they do the character of the person enacting the behaviour.

 

I hope that's helpful.

 

Candyfloss - all of the above applies to you/your mum too. Without overlooking the possibility that your mum does get frustrated and say less than helpful things (which as bluebudedog has pointed out is something all parents are guilty of to a greater or lesser degree), the comments you highlighted about her speaking while she thought you were sleeping do sound like things I would say affectionately about my own son. In fact, I say things that, written down in black and white, would seem much worse - and he says them back to me - but the difference is we both know the intention behind them.

 

L&P

 

BD

hi, sorry if i said the wrong thing ,i didn't mean to upset any one ....i was holding on the the fact that my daughter doesn't realise she is saying hurtful things...if she does understand then why does she want to hurt me when i do so much for her.....is she just not a nice person?

[Tally]

There is nothing in the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's or any of the literature I have come across that says that we are nice.

 

There is really only one way to find out whether your daughter understands how hurtful the things she says are, and that is to ask her.

 

It might help her learn better communication skills as well - if it turns out she is a nice person, that is. If she does not realise something is hurtful, how can she ever understand the need to stop saying it? She might be very upset to know the hurt she has caused you.

[Karen A]

hi, sorry if i said the wrong thing ,i didn't mean to upset any one ....i was holding on the the fact that my daughter doesn't realise she is saying hurtful things...if she does understand then why does she want to hurt me when i do so much for her.....is she just not a nice person?

 

 

Hi.

I have a fourteen year old [NT] son and a 12 year old son who has AS.I also have a forty something [NT] husband.

I would not say that any of them were not nice people.However despite the fact that I do an awful lot for all of them they all frequently say things that are hurtful and unappreciative,I think it is part of family life.My husband would I am sure say the same about me after twenty odd years of marriage. I would go as far as to say I think it is part of family life.

I only now realise just how much my parents did for me now that I have children of my own and my mum died five years ago.

I think it may be even more of an issue once children are adults if they remain at home.

 

I have been thinking about how to encourage both my lads to not take me so much for granted.One idea I intend to try is to encourage them to do a few more of the things that I do for them.

Karen.

[baddad]

hi, sorry if i said the wrong thing ,i didn't mean to upset any one ....i was holding on the the fact that my daughter doesn't realise she is saying hurtful things...if she does understand then why does she want to hurt me when i do so much for her.....is she just not a nice person?

No, I know you didn't mean to offend anyone, which is why I opened my first post with an apology! But as you can see from subsequent replies the potential, as I suggested, was there, which is why I posted the 'heads up'. It is possible that your daughter doesn't realise that she is saying hurtful things, but if that is the case it would not necessarily mean it was related to autism, if, in fact, it turns out that she does have autism. It is also possible that she is 'aware' that she says hurtful things, but finds it difficult to stop herself from saying them. Again, if that is the case, it wouldn't necessarily be related to autism, even if it is confirmed that she does have autism. The 'worst case scenario', sadly, is that she could be aware she is being hurtful, does have some control over that, but is hurtful anyway. Again, that wouldn't necessarily be anything to do with autism, even if it is confirmed as a diagnosis. The latter is a horrible thing for any parent to consider, but it is a reality for many parents.

 

All relationships have the potential to become 'abusive', especially if expectations are lowered, excuses are offered/made and consequences are minimal. That is as true for 'NT' relationships as it is for relationships involving autistic people, though, IMO, the liklihood of abuse being condoned, accepted, rewarded and excused is more likely where autism exists because of those lowered expectations. Sadly, it is also very much part of human nature that an abusive person offered those kinds of excuses will manipulate them - and that too applies equally, (IMO - thought I'd better stick and extra one of those in!) to abusive autistic people and abusive nt people. Usually those seeds are sown in childhood/adolescence - again another factor that (IMO) applies equally to autistic and NT people. Of course, autism can compromise the 'learning curve' toward gaining conceptual understanding that enables people to make informed choices (which is where I think the 'lacks empathy' myth springs from), but with very few exceptions (and, IMO you can underline that 'very' when you're talking about HFA or Aspergers) that's a delayed milestone rather than an impossibility.

 

As this thread isn't about your daugther, i'll not offer any 'advice', and the above - even in the 'worst case scenario' shouldn't be taken as an indicator that your daughter is a 'nasty' person... We're all capable of making bad choices, especially if those choices make our lives easier or reward us in some way or perhaps even compensate for other negative feelings we have about ourselves or those we love. Other than that, the biggest 'clue' you'll get about your daughter's behaviour is watching how she interacts with others. If she has friends and colleagues etc that she is not 'hurtful' too then that's an indicator that she is in control of her hurtful behaviours. If she lacks friends and is isolated by her behaviour then it could indicate that she isn't in control, but could equally indicate reasons for the behaviours if she feels isolated and unaccepted and is being 'hurtful' to offload some of that onto someone else (i.e.you).

 

Hope that's helpful...

 

KarenA - No, I don't think it's quite that simple either, and fully agree that some people will manipulate the concept of 'intent' if and when it is oversimplified in that way. That's actually the point I was making! But I do think 'intent' and the make-up of the viewer does have to be a consideration. A couple of examples:

• Someone's intent might be to pretend their intention's were innocent - as you suggested. If that 'intent' is accepted at face value the person they have victimised is further victimised. So you have to consider their intent in lying about their intent!
• The make up of the viewer might be to present themselves as or to assume the role of 'victim' - in which case even if the actor is acting with the best intentions they will be unfairly negatively judged if you don't stop to consider the make up of the viewer...

It is very, very complex stuff (not 'difficult' complex - 'multifaceted' complex, iyswim), which is why I'm such a stickler for always looking at both sides of any story!

Hope that made sense, but if not i am, in a nutshell, agreeing with you and was in my first post too!

 

Candyfloss - sorry for taking your thread slightly off topic, but I hope you'll feel that the 'diversion' was relevant!

 

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[trekster]

Hello Bluebudedog

 

You wrote

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/crying.gif) hi, reading your letter i felt so much sympathy for your mother, of cause she loves and respects you. you are her child, part of her she will always love you...

 

my reply

There are abusive parents around, my dad bullied me constantly and severely. However i don't feel candflosses mother is one of them, she just isn't aware of how her daughter is likely to react to her comments.

 

you then wrote

but she is only human...she has her own problems and sometimes just reaches overload....

 

my reply

Unfortunately those comments are very vague to understand, "only human" in particular and overload.

 

you then wrote

the problem with someone with aspergers is that they have no empathy...they can not feel other peoples problems.......

 

my reply

According to some recent research "aspergers theory does an about face", "aspergers feel others emotions too intensely to cope".

 

you then wrote

i know all this as i am the mother of a 23 year old daughter with suspected aspergers ....i must say that she has never used physical abuse only mental.....if,as you admit you go on for hours at your mum and then she doesn't say any thing it is probably that she has nothing left in her head to say and i suspect she knows what ever she says will only make you go on more...if she smiles when you say that it is a horrid day it is probably because she is trying to stop herself falling into a depression,,and she knows she must stay strong to look after you.........because she loves you....

 

my reply

im an asperger and have never felt i know how all asperger folk work. Aspergers have different reactions to stress, i happen to go tearful and non verbal under stress. Mental abuse still hurts as much as physical. i agree that candflosses' mother may have not known what to say to her daughter, but we arent aware of how much autism awareness training her mother has undergone.

[trekster]

hello bluebudedog

 

you wrote

hi, sorry if i said the wrong thing ,i didn't mean to upset any one ....i was holding on the the fact that my daughter doesn't realise she is saying hurtful things...if she does understand then why does she want to hurt me when i do so much for her.....is she just not a nice person?

 

my response

She might not want to hurt you but just be behaving out of instinct. i was like this until the foods that were making me so angry were removed. i am now able to reason with others and see when i do unintentionally upset someone ask them what i should have said.

 

What sort of things does she say? What was the situation in which she said them? Could she be hungry, tired or in pain and this be the only way to communicate that need? i hope when you finally get her assessed she could try and find things that explain her confusion.

[trekster]

There is nothing in the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's or any of the literature I have come across that says that we are nice.

 

There is really only one way to find out whether your daughter understands how hurtful the things she says are, and that is to ask her.

 

It might help her learn better communication skills as well - if it turns out she is a nice person, that is. If she does not realise something is hurtful, how can she ever understand the need to stop saying it? She might be very upset to know the hurt she has caused you.

 

All distinct possibilities. ive met nice aspergers and nasty aspergers.

[trekster]

Hi.

I have a fourteen year old [NT] son and a 12 year old son who has AS.I also have a forty something [NT] husband.

I would not say that any of them were not nice people.However despite the fact that I do an awful lot for all of them they all frequently say things that are hurtful and unappreciative,I think it is part of family life.My husband would I am sure say the same about me after twenty odd years of marriage. I would go as far as to say I think it is part of family life.

I only now realise just how much my parents did for me now that I have children of my own and my mum died five years ago.

I think it may be even more of an issue once children are adults if they remain at home.

 

I have been thinking about how to encourage both my lads to not take me so much for granted.One idea I intend to try is to encourage them to do a few more of the things that I do for them.

Karen.

 

Thats a good idea about the not taking one for granted. im in the unfortunate situation where my brother thinks i take his lifts to our local station (10 mins away and 3 in 6 days which instead of 1 per week) for granted. i am attempting to learn to drive so i wont have to depend on lifts from others anymore. i have offered to take him to the cinema, pay badminton or go bowling. i also reminded him of the times i did things for him without being asked, he just replied "but i didn't ask you to do those things", if we had negotiated something in return at the start (which i attempted to do) we wouldn't have had this problem last Friday. The strange thing is my brother 10 years younger than me lectured me about being self sufficient when im the one living in my own place!

[Suze]

I have spent hours and hours moaning at her about my autism and saying what its like etc

 

she doesnt say anything afterwards - she has lost respect for me

 

she used ot try and get me to school - i (could settle in) - i used to be really upset i was used, bullied by teachers, didnt understand work and just couldnt cope - i asked her why she didnt get me any autim help - she just said - i was doing what the education people told me to do

 

and i ask her - mum what things am i good at? - she says - i dont know - she just doesnt what to help me

 

she would have a smile on her face on the car - and that made me angry - that i had a said i had a horrible day but all she would do is smile?

 

today - i asked her about something - she gave a dumb answer (i said about a modeling thing - would we be supplied with clothes or bring our own - she said you have got alot of nice clothes - i felt insulted - i said - yea - but i wouldnt just weat a boring t shirt for something like that

 

i slapped her an dran to the other room - she rain to me and hit me - after a few of those - i got some water and threw it at her and ran upstaris

 

she has never been there for me emotionaly - she never helped me

 

other mums (eg on this website) really care for their as child - my mum doesnt atall - she doesnt know or want to know about as (((

 

 

........Hi candyfloss, you mention you had been talking to your mum for hours regarding your autism.........this is a very long time to discuss something........maybe she was just genuinely tired of talking about it.There is nothing wrong with that and I don,t believe it makes her a bad parent because of it.By trying to get you to go to school , she will have been trying to help you.As parents we are under an obligation from the Local Authority to make sure our children have the appropriate education.As you said she was told to do this by the "education people".I think the way you behaved towards your mum by slapping her and throwing water over her when she did,nt give you an answer you were happy with but a "dumb" answer was terrible and wrong.However her hitting back at you was just as bad , but you instigated the violence and if you behave like this alot towards your mother when you don,t get a response you are happy with then Iam not surprised she has "lost respect for you".To move forward from this you need to firstly apologise and try to talk together calmy and listen to each others answers.Is there another close friend or family member who could sit down with you both and help you with this discussion.Violence and, I include in this" shouting ,"....are wrong in my book , and you should both make a pact to never do either again.My son isn,t physically violent towards anyone, but he does shout and this can be very intimidating and is just as bad as hitting .None of this is a necessary tool for getting your point of view across, and if you feel like you are going to shout or hit you should leave the room or situation as soon as possible and take yourself off somewhere to cool down.This is what I encourage my son to do.Best wishes and goodluck talking to your mum.

 

[puffin]

Hi Candyfloss

 

It's not easy to have AS and it's not easy to be a parent or relative of someone with AS either - sometimes everyone ends up in a rather negative phase without really meaning this to happen.

 

Sometimes the parent ends up in the middle

- the do what the 'experts' tell them (schools/doctors/psychologists etc) believing that this is the best thing

- yet on the other hand they can see that their child is unhappy ot not coping

This is very hard as the parent feels as though they cannot do anything right.

 

From your post it sounds as though you have given your mum hours of disussion on autism and told her many of the things she has done wrong - perhaps she feels overwhelmed by being criticised. But I was wondering whether you had given her any ideas of what she could actually do that would help you? Even if it is a small thing - perhaps it would make it easier for her to help you.

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Parenting a child or teenager with AS is no easy task. It can be incredibly difficulty for an NT parent in particular to understand how that child/person may be feeling, what they're thinking, etc. For example, my son is 8.5 (AS) and his mood can change very rapidly. He can go from being calm to furious very quickly, can be abusive, aggressive, lash out, self harms, etc. As always, my main priority is trying to calm him down whilst at the same time trying to work out what caused the meltdown in order to try and diffuse a situation. I always try to work out what's upset him and how he may be feeling. No easy task. I don't doubt that kiddo is clearly experiencing some kind of emotional turmoil, but as a parent who has a full time job, comes home from work to be faced with the same scenario almost daily, it is emotionally draining, tiring and in honesty, I'm not always able to handle things as well as I could or should. Some evenings, particularly after a really difficult day with R, I've seen my husband and I sit and say 'what a boy', on occasions, we may even laugh about some of his antics (which are very worrying at the time). This might be difficult for someone to understand why someone would laugh in hindsight, but it's more of an expression of 'well, we survived another day', kiddos is hard work, but we love him dearly', and also, laughing is preferable to crying.

 

I'm not pigeon-holing you into the same category as my son, but I hope that I've perhaps been able to give you a different perspective on things. I know that your mum's actions may lead you to think that she doesn't love you or hasn't/doesn't do her best for you, but it is possible that she loves you more than anything - she just isn't always able to help you in the way that you'd like for similar reasons to those that I've already mentioned. I'm guessing that you're a teenager and I suspect that your mum isn't simply ignoring you or has given up - it could be that she's simply giving you some space. Teenager years are difficult for all concerned, but where aggression and violence (slapping your mum) come into the picture, it complicates things. No one likes getting slapped/hit and that may well make your mum stand-offish, ie have the opposite effect of what you want. With regards to school, etc, some parents have faith in what education professionals tell them or they can be made to feel like they're fussing about nothing, etc etc. It is very difficult as a parent to stand up to education professionals at the best of times, but doing that whilst at the same time as coping with a child/person that may be challenging (aggressive, violent, etc) can sometimes feel like an impossible task. I don't wish to make excuses for your mum, but I think it's key that you both find a way of communicating without confrontation, that could mean by letter. It's also important (and very difficult) for each of you to consider how the other is feeling.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[trekster]

Hi Candyfloss

 

It's not easy to have AS and it's not easy to be a parent or relative of someone with AS either - sometimes everyone ends up in a rather negative phase without really meaning this to happen.

 

Sometimes the parent ends up in the middle

- the do what the 'experts' tell them (schools/doctors/psychologists etc) believing that this is the best thing

- yet on the other hand they can see that their child is unhappy ot not coping

This is very hard as the parent feels as though they cannot do anything right.

 

From your post it sounds as though you have given your mum hours of discussion on autism and told her many of the things she has done wrong - perhaps she feels overwhelmed by being criticised. But I was wondering whether you had given her any ideas of what she could actually do that would help you? Even if it is a small thing - perhaps it would make it easier for her to help you.

 

Books i recommend to you Candfloss

 

"how to be yourself in a world that's different", "what is autism and how will it affect me?", "aspects of aspergers success in the teens and twenties".