Finding it really tuff

[JsMum]

Just wanted to say Ive really struggled today, J wouldnt go to respite this morning, I couldnt of coped any longer if he hadnt of gone, in the end he did go, but I really was crawling the floor, I have cried buckets this arfo, I felt like I couldnt continue a second longer, I feel such a failure not been able to care for my son full time, but I just cant do it full time anymore, I am so tired, and drained, I feel so emotional, I know I have not got it as tuff as others here either, I have one kid, it shouldnt be that hard should it, but it is, anyway just helps venting it out!

 

JsMumx

PS not after sympathy. just understanding!

[baddad]

Hi Jsmum -

No failure involved: I'm sure that most parents posting here have found themselves in a similar place at some time or other - I know I have. It's been a long time for me, but I clearly remember (and have previously posted) sitting on the stairway of the flat we used to live in crying my eyes out in the wee hours with my son climbing all over me, having not a clue how I was going to get through the night, let alone the next day/week/year...

I think the toughest (and scariest) thing sometimes is the realisation that we're not always invincible, but that's nowt to beat ourselves up about. While the circumstances may vary in each case life brings everyone to their knees at some point,and I suspect parenting - like bereavement & broken hearts - is one of the great levellers!

Hope tomorrow brings a better day, and the new school term some space to rebuild your reserves.

 

L&P

 

BD

[JsMum]

Hi Jsmum -

No failure involved: I'm sure that most parents posting here have found themselves in a similar place at some time or other - I know I have. It's been a long time for me, but I clearly remember (and have previously posted) sitting on the stairway of the flat we used to live in crying my eyes out in the wee hours with my son climbing all over me, having not a clue how I was going to get through the night, let alone the next day/week/year...

I think the toughest (and scariest) thing sometimes is the realisation that we're not always invincible, but that's nowt to beat ourselves up about. While the circumstances may vary in each case life brings everyone to their knees at some point,and I suspect parenting - like bereavement & broken hearts - is one of the great levellers!

Hope tomorrow brings a better day, and the new school term some space to rebuild your reserves.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Thanks BD for your reply, Ive had something to eat and chilled out this afternoon, so feeling a bit more human, I am feeling a little bit better, School is another week and half a week, I do get respite, but when he refuses to go it stresses me out, I understand its because he is going to miss me, like wise but we need the break and its somewhere he gets to do activities with support I searched for ages to find the respite but sadly J isnt really keen on the placement, he begs to come home and just basically wants to be with me 24/7.

 

In a week and half its all repeated because he doesnt want to return back to school either, So its kind of emotional at the moment.

 

JsMumx

[cmuir]

Hi

 

You got my understanding (and sympathy!).

 

I've been feeling like you do a the mo. R has been extremely challenging since he went back to school. Every night since, he's kicked off big time, screaming, swearing, lashing out, headbanging, hitting himself in the face, punching furniture, etc. Phoned NHS24 (CAMHS advised me to do that) just over a week ago as I felt I couldn't cope. Asked them to send out a Psychiatrist to medicate him (had been led to believe by CAMHS that could be done). Was told by local Psych to phone Police in first instance. I cried and cried! I did tell R that if he didn't calm down, I'd have to do this for his own good as well as mine and my husband's. That made things much worse and he collapsed from exhaustion (I'd hoped it would be a reality check - wasn't aiming to scare him, just get him to stop). Hubby is struggling and losing his temper (shouting at R) which is understandable but not helpful. I'm trying to stick with consequences and set R achievable targets, praising him for good behaviour, etc etc. I'm worn out and feeling a huge failure!

 

Guess all there is for it is to try and grab a bit of quiet time whenever possible. Chocolate has helped a little, but I'm looking like I'm resembling the back end of a bus.

 

Keep your chin up. It'll pass. Strange how things are always peaks and troughs. A few more peaks than troughs would be good, eh?!!!

 

Caroline.

[Cat]

No matter how much J relies on you, misses you, and wants to be with you - you - need time out from J. You are not a faliure you are a good Mum. It's call tough love Life should not have to be this hard for any of us

[JsMum]

No matter how much J relies on you, misses you, and wants to be with you - you - need time out from J. You are not a faliure you are a good Mum. It's call tough love Life should not have to be this hard for any of us

 

I talked to J last night and we went throw the reasons he is at respite (short break as the social services call it) and it was so difficult for him to understand, he was confused because I said I love you, and he said then come and get me, if you loved me you wouldnt bring me here, he just doesnt understand that i he doesnt go, we cant stay together for the time we are together, I had to pick him up early last week as he wouldnt settle and it effected my abilities to parent and cope, we just did a recent camping trip and I am left totally exhausted, it was a great trip but it took all my reserves, yesterday I nothing left to give, I desparely needed a break, if I hadnt I wouldnt of been able continue to care for J for short periods of time, it is tearing me apart doing the breaks, but I havent got any choice in doing it, I know J hates the seperation, but there is nothing else I can do, there is no other options, other than J going into full time care and we both dont want that so we have no other option but have respite which is a specialised respite centre, with trained staff so I did my best to find something to meet his needs.

 

Respite is defo needed, just didnt realise it was going to be this hard to get J to co-operate.

 

Feeling better today, going to the gym this afternoon, and my running club this eveninX

 

JsMumx

[JsMum]

Hi

 

You got my understanding (and sympathy!).

 

I've been feeling like you do a the mo. R has been extremely challenging since he went back to school. Every night since, he's kicked off big time, screaming, swearing, lashing out, headbanging, hitting himself in the face, punching furniture, etc. Phoned NHS24 (CAMHS advised me to do that) just over a week ago as I felt I couldn't cope. Asked them to send out a Psychiatrist to medicate him (had been led to believe by CAMHS that could be done). Was told by local Psych to phone Police in first instance. I cried and cried! I did tell R that if he didn't calm down, I'd have to do this for his own good as well as mine and my husband's. That made things much worse and he collapsed from exhaustion (I'd hoped it would be a reality check - wasn't aiming to scare him, just get him to stop). Hubby is struggling and losing his temper (shouting at R) which is understandable but not helpful. I'm trying to stick with consequences and set R achievable targets, praising him for good behaviour, etc etc. I'm worn out and feeling a huge failure!

 

Guess all there is for it is to try and grab a bit of quiet time whenever possible. Chocolate has helped a little, but I'm looking like I'm resembling the back end of a bus.

 

Keep your chin up. It'll pass. Strange how things are always peaks and troughs. A few more peaks than troughs would be good, eh?!!!

 

Caroline.

 

Hi Caroline Understand the struggle of crisis situation, I too have to phone the police if Js behaviour is a threat to himself and others, and I intend to now use this stratagy as I have done in the past if it means J is safe for the short term.

 

I have only just been able to get a CAMHS appointment after an emergency gp appointment in the sprink bank holiday crisis, we are requesting a full assessment of his mental health and referrals to other specialists and assessment of medication.

 

Are you going to look at getting your son seen by your local CAMHS?

 

We were having school difficulties before the summer term, there was threats of permanant exclusions but when we put forward this to social sevices the school back tracked and said they are managing his behaviour.

The targets they have put in place for september bare no consideration of his ADHD/ASD needs and they are going to set J up to fail, this is a specialist school for ASD/ADHD special needs I cant believe they are behaving this way, Ive put forward my concerns but the HT has totally ignored my fears, so I feel aprehensive about the return of school.

 

I wonder if your sons home behaviour are related to the fact yur sons needs are not been met at school? and your getting the back lash at home.

 

As for your husband, what about him phoning NSPCC for advise, if he really is shouting and he fears he will loose his temper he may require more specialised help due to the fact your son has Special needs/disabilities, also contact a family have a helpline and he could if would talk to someone talk to them and go throw his concerns and another really good website is young minds, they sent J some booklets on all different types of feelings, such as Anger, feeling depressed ect... they are really good and have further helplines, also youngminds have a psychiatrist available via the phone which you book throw the youngmins, its a good port of call to find out your rights when a child is in danger of their behaviour exct...

 

It is probably that your husband is just so frustrated with the situation and eventually he looses his patience, remember your son doesnt intentionally want to harm you or your husband.

 

Do you get any respite/sessional work either. would you look into this if it was offered?

 

I do understand the struggle, and ive found a lot of similairities in our boys behaviours, it certainly isnt easy to continually cope long term.

 

Thanks for your understandingx

 

JsMumx

[baddad]

Hi again Js mum -

 

I think j knows how to hit the right buttons - he always makes you feel guilty. That's not a criticism of him, so please don't read it that way - it's just how children are, especially if they pick up that it's a particular vulnerability in their parents. As CAT said, it's called 'tough love' and the beneifits for j totally outweigh any apparent drawbacks. Nothing you try to do for J is going to meet his approval, because j wants it his way. Something new may seem to be working for a while, but the first time that new scenario challeges 'his way' the honeymoon will be over and he'll be laying the guilt on you again. As I say, not because he's 'nasty' or anything like that, but because he's a child and that's the way children think, and because he knows that it gets to you.

Stick to your guns re the respite (and school, and anything else that comes up) because it is in the best interests of both of you. I'd also take a step back from trying to explain all that to J, because to him it is a moot point, and one he has no interest, inclination, or profit in seeing at this stage. He may go through the motions of discussing it with you, but purely as an exercise in further control and convincing you that his way is the right way to go. Adults struggle to 'understand' the world - children sometimes just have to accept that it is how it is and lump it, because they really don't have the capacity to grasp such complicated dynamics. If they did have that capacity they would be thinking as adults, and they wouldn't need us at all!

 

Hope that's helpful, and, once again, no criticism of you or J intended.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

C- Muir - sorry to tack this on the end, and in such an emotive thread too, but just wanted to add another perspective to what jsmum has said.

I think one of the major things you have to bear in mind is that often parents are too close personally to see the wood for the trees. It is easy in that situation to identify problems at school, or problems with the way other external agencies or even other family members (like 'dad' for example) as triggers for the challenging behaviours that can arise from much simpler imperatives and self-serving interests. I have mixed feelings about the advice the pshych gave you - calling the police. On the one hand, this can represent a 'short sharp shock' (probably the psych's intent) but there is a huge capacity for this to backfire...

I think the danger of involving outside controls like the police etc is twofold - it firstly sends the message to the child that 'we' (parents) cannot deal with the behaviour (which however true is not a helpful message to send to someone who is seeking to dominate and control) and it also 'raises the bar' in terms of sanctions that have been tried and failed - another unhelpful precedent. The only way involving (i.e.) the police can help is if it's actually followed through upon - an empty threat that fizzles out, especially if it fizzles out through the parents 'backing down' or defending/justifying the assault or aggression, can only act as a reinforcer. From a psychological POV too, removing consequences from the act and/or directing blame for the act elsewhere act as further reinforcers, and, ultimately, a justification in themselves.

As with the message to J's mum above, I think you're probably trying too hard to 'understand' or explain the behaviours rather than to stop them. I'm all for realistic targets and praise for good behaviour, but I really think the key for change is the consequences you mention and concrete defintions of your expectations. I'd also offer that dad shouting indiscrimninately may be counterproductive, but demonstrating (controlled) anger and disappointment are very real and valid consequences for unreasonable behaviour.

 

Very best

 

BD

Edited August 31, 2010 by baddad

[JsMum]

J thinks I dont love him because I send him to respite and school already, he even said he would be good if he didnt have to go! I am not sending him to repsite and school because he is naughty, Im sending him because of his needs.

 

He finds new places very difficult so giving him time to settle in, hence he has to stay three nights a week, so he can settle to their routine and the staff are really bending over backwards to accomadate his needs, but he thinks the place is a dump, he doesnt like it one bit, but my perspective is that it is basic accomadation but with very experienced and trained staff that do a very good service to children, so I know we have different views of the placement.

 

I know he has to to go to respite and school, there is no other option, but when J physically refuses to attend the respite it does get very stressful and there is again a power struggle, J even admitted to me last night he is making it as stressful as possibl so I give up and stop sending him to respite, but I have persivered, if J had of continued to refuse to attend respite I would of rang social services to request an other placement but it may of not met his needs, more accomadation, but I wanted to make it clear that he had a choice of either respite or somewhere else, hence I struggled yesterday and yes he did make me feel very guilty as he just thinks I dont love him because i am doing this to him, sending him to respite!

 

As your comment about the Police baddad, this is something I am advised to do from social worker, GP and Pyschiatrist and even Js school.

 

The last time the police where called J had a weapon and was intent on using it to harm another person and damage property, in cases where the child is a danger to others and themselves there is not a lot any parent how ever capable they are, they need assistance, I have a letter from the Gp if I ever intend to use this option when my son is danger to himself and others. I personally dont want to call the police.

 

JsMumx

[baddad]

Hi Jmum -

I'm going to bow out of this one now, because despite my assurances that I'm not criticising I'm begining to feel that that's what you are interpreting...

The only things I will say further -

With regard to J 'knowing how to hit the right buttons': do you really believe he believes you don't love him?

With regard to calling the police: has this helped, or have the problems escalated? I said I had 'mixed feelings' - not that it should be rejected out of hand.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited August 31, 2010 by baddad

[baddad]

sorry - duplicated

Edited August 31, 2010 by baddad

[JsMum]

Hi Jmum -

I'm going to bow out of this one now, because despite my assurances that I'm not criticising I'm begining to feel that that's what you are interpreting...

The only things I will say further -

With regard to J 'knowing how to hit the right buttons': do you really believe he believes you don't love him?

With regard to calling the police: has this helped, or have the problems escalated? I said I had 'mixed feelings' - not that it should be rejected out of hand.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

L&P

 

BD

 

No I am not interpiting that you are critising me, I just gave an explaination to why some parents are advised to calle the police, this is something I have been advised too. I was just adding my story with regaurding the police to show cmuir wasnt alone in this advice, but I also do agree with your points and perspectives of the police been called.

 

As reguarding do I believe J feels I dont love him, I beginning to feel that J really does feel I dont love him, yes that is my worry, because I love him very much, which is why I am prepared to be apart some of the week so I can continue to care for him the rest of the week, but he doesnt get that, he just sees it as me sending him away.

 

I am worried that he does believe I dont love him.

 

JsMumx

[matzoball]

No I am not interpiting that you are critising me, I just gave an explaination to why some parents are advised to calle the police, this is something I have been advised too. I was just adding my story with regaurding the police to show cmuir wasnt alone in this advice, but I also do agree with your points and perspectives of the police been called.

 

As reguarding do I believe J feels I dont love him, I beginning to feel that J really does feel I dont love him, yes that is my worry, because I love him very much, which is why I am prepared to be apart some of the week so I can continue to care for him the rest of the week, but he doesnt get that, he just sees it as me sending him away.

 

I am worried that he does believe I dont love him.

 

JsMumx

 

Jsmum,

 

You'll know that he probably sees things in very black and white terms - so to him sending away means you don't want him around. You know this is definitely not the case, far from it. If his behaviour gets to the point people are going to come to harm then you are perfectly within your rights to get backup whether it be the police or a social worker or someone else. You can't be expected to handle that by yourself.

 

Just keep telling him you love him, keep explaining what respite means for you and him. He's getting older, and one day he will get it I promise xx

[baddad]

 

 

I am worried that he does believe I dont love him.

 

JsMumx

 

Don't be - it's a waste of a good worry. He knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that you love him. He also knows it's the chink in your armour that you worry he doesn't know.

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[JsMum]

Don't be - it's a waste of a good worry. He knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that you love him. He also knows it's the chink in your armour that you worry he doesn't know.

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

I know what your saying is true, but when he is throwing everything back in your face you feel sick, I kind of understand why Ive been so emotional lately.

 

I will try and not get so upset with this issue.

 

JsMumx

[justine1]

Hi Jsmum

 

I am sorry you are having a hard time at the moment <'> I too have had days where I feel I have no more to give and that I cannot go on,unfortunatly I have no respite and with 4 kids to care for I just have to pick myself up and keep on going.So I definetly think its good for you to stick it out with the respite,you are very lucky to have this option.

 

It can seem as though its a viscious circle in that prehaps he would behave and be happier if he was at home more often,but then there are no guarantees that he would remain in control and end up right back where you are now

 

This is slightly different but Dan is leaving tomorrow to live with his dad,at just 4 1/2 I am really not happy that I am sending him away but its the first time in 2 1/2 yrs that my ex is stepping up and taking responsibility(albeit for just one of his four kids )It will give me the chance to spend more time with Sam and Josh when they come back from school and give me the chance to get some decent sleep.

So even though he hasnt left I already feel torn between wanting peace and wanting everyone to be happy and on the other hand worried he will some how grow up to hate me for this.

 

Being a parent is never easy

[JsMum]

Hi Jsmum

 

I am sorry you are having a hard time at the moment <'> I too have had days where I feel I have no more to give and that I cannot go on,unfortunatly I have no respite and with 4 kids to care for I just have to pick myself up and keep on going.So I definetly think its good for you to stick it out with the respite,you are very lucky to have this option.

 

It can seem as though its a viscious circle in that prehaps he would behave and be happier if he was at home more often,but then there are no guarantees that he would remain in control and end up right back where you are now

 

This is slightly different but Dan is leaving tomorrow to live with his dad,at just 4 1/2 I am really not happy that I am sending him away but its the first time in 2 1/2 yrs that my ex is stepping up and taking responsibility(albeit for just one of his four kids )It will give me the chance to spend more time with Sam and Josh when they come back from school and give me the chance to get some decent sleep.

So even though he hasnt left I already feel torn between wanting peace and wanting everyone to be happy and on the other hand worried he will some how grow up to hate me for this.

 

Being a parent is never easy

 

 

Firstly Justine I would never of lasted if I had of had four, I have nothing to moan about compared to your load.

 

I am defo persivering with the respite, I fighted too hard to get it awarded in the first place, and we do NEED the respite, so I know I have no option but to stick it out and I do know that I am lucky recieving the respite, I wished more parents recieved it.

 

I know if we didnt take respite the control/power issues would continue and it is effecting our daily tasks which is why I know Ive got no option but to take up the respite.

 

As for your situation with Dan, what about a tial period so you can if it doesnt work out you can make arrangements for him to return home, what Im saying is it doesnt have to be for ever that he returns back to live with his Dad.

 

Im sure it must be very difficult, and as I said I no way would of coped with four boys, two of which are on the spectrum so hats off to you, I struggle with one ASD/ADHD boy already.

 

I hope that things work out for you too.

 

JsMumx

[JsMum]

Update: update:

 

Just wanted to share that Ive had a update from the staff at his repsite and he has had a good day and has eventually settled in, he didnt go on activities but he has been ok and doing small tasks in tiny steps, so that is a good start and for J its positive as I really did expect a phonecall home, but it didnt happen, and he has been fine so I am one relieved mum I can tell you that, we chatted on the phone tonight and he seemed a lot better, I told him Id done my run and been to the gym and that I was feeling a lot better and were excited about been together again tomorrow, so it has turned out better in the end tonight.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies has helped a lot.

 

JsMumx

[cmuir]

Don't be - it's a waste of a good worry. He knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that you love him. He also knows it's the chink in your armour that you worry he doesn't know.

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

 

Hi

 

We parents get the brunt of things because they know we love them - I guess it's a backhanded compliment in a way! They feel safe, secure and trust us, so we cop the sharp end of the stick!

 

Caroline.

 

NB: Thanks for all your comments. Didn't comment further as I didn't want to hijack JSMum's thread.

[baddad]

Hi

 

We parents get the brunt of things because they know we love them - I guess it's a backhanded compliment in a way! They feel safe, secure and trust us, so we cop the sharp end of the stick!

 

Caroline.

 

NB: Thanks for all your comments. Didn't comment further as I didn't want to hijack JSMum's thread.

 

Hi cmuir - really, really sorry and I don't want to hi-jack the thread either, but I really do think this kind of thinking is flawed. It's not a backhanded compliment when a child abuses a parent and it's not because they feel safe and secure - other than that they feel safe and secure that the behaviour will be tolerated. If a parent appeared here who abused his/her child, or a partner who abused his/her husband/wife and tried to present it as a backhanded compliment they would, quite rightly, be roundly conmdemned. That the relationship is parent/child makes no difference - abuse is neither a compliment nor an indication of trust. It is what it is; an abuse.

 

Justine - a tough and very brave decision. I don't think for a minute that your son will grow up to hate you: I'm sure you will continue to be an active and positive force in his life regardless of where he is living, and that is what he will remember as he grows up. Whether he decides to stay with dad or to 'decamp' back to be with you and his siblings I wish you, your ex and all 4 kids the very best. Considering the amount of kids that get used as pawns in adult games, it can only be a good thing when two parents put aside their personal differences to look at the bigger picture.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Kathryn]

Hi JsMum,

 

Well done for sticking with the respite because you need the time to recharge your batteries - you can't be expected to be superwoman 24 hours a day and if this works out you can put your energies into more quality time with J.

 

Really hope it gets easier and that J starts to see the respite as a positive and enjoyable thing.

 

Chin up! <'>

 

And more <'> <'> to everyone posting here who's going through a rough patch, for whatever reason.

 

K x

[JsMum]

Update, Sadly I could not get J to return to respite, however today he has returned back to his residential specialist school, and though we hugged and said were going to miss each other he went with little fight, he was very aviodant at first but we kept it calm and didnt stress him and finally co operated, and went with his lovely escort and lovely transport and he was waving out the window until he could no longer see me.

 

school have since rang me and introduced me to his new TA and we had a catch up of the holiday, he has a few new changes this term but they might benefit him too, so feeling more positive now, I will miss J VERY much but also relieved of the respite and its another new year, now in yr 9, its going too quickly.xxx

 

Js since rang me to let me know he has arrived safely and say his nighttime ritual.

 

JsMumx

Edited September 8, 2010 by JsMum

[Enid]

HI J1s mum, just sending support, and to the others on this thread who are struggling too.

 

nearly had to call the police last night, but managed in the end to cope, I hate to do it, makes me ashamed with the neighbours.......!!!!! BUT no one else will come when he is "off on one" the police will now only come if there are 3 of them as he will attack them as well, even though I lock all dangerous stuff away he will still find something . last night I thought I dont want to play anymore this is the last time, but today is another day and on we go again, the younger ones amaze me as they never hold it against him even though last night I had to barracade them in a room to keep them safe, and my daughter was doing her science homework knelt on the floor.... they all sat at breakfast this morning looking like they didnt have a care in the world, whereas I didnt sleep a wink with the worry of it all. rescued the sky plus box that got thrown out an usstairs window, didnt get it last night as didnt dare risking opening doors in case he ran out, just plugged it in and it works

[peaches]

Hi Js mum, keep on with the respite, we all have rights and you deserve a break. We are having a tough time too and I keep blaming myself for not being able to handle him. Dont be so tough on yourself. Its easy saying that but I am the same.