Newbie

[MBF]

Hello everyone.

 

I'm pleased to be here and am hoping to find some help from other wives of AS men.

DH is going to GP this week to start the diagnosis process. We have been married for 20 years and AS explains so many of the difficulties we have had over the last 20 years. We have three children and I think one is possibly AS too. It's been a struggle at times but most of the time it's been a pleasure to live with him (ok today is a good day some days it would be easier to bang my head against the wall than try to talk about important issues with him!).

 

I suspect that there is a family history of AS in his family and my nephew is also going through the diagnosis process too.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

MBF.

[trekster]

Welcome and good luck on the diagnoses for your family members.

[Kathryn]

Welcome to the forum. Good luck to your husband for the appointment this week - hope it goes smoothly.

 

K x

[bonbons]

Hi, nice to hear from you. I have a 15 year old daughter recently diagnosed with ASD. I have always said, long before her diagbosis came, that she and my husband are so alike......these days, I am really wondering whether he is ASD too? He has had periods of depression over the years and our daughters difficulties which surfaced more as she hit puberty, have proved much more difficult for him to handle than me! She shouts, he shouts louder, and I always tell him that he needs to try and remain calm and in control and to give her times and space when she has an episode. He struggles socially and avoids these situations like the plague....hates lots of people, even family gatherings, hates eating in front of people because he likes so few things and feels like people are always on his case about it. Very cahangeable, self concious and has low self esteem. He often apologises to me as he thinks he holds me back because I have to turn down so many invitations as I know that even the thought of going would stress him out.......I just wonder thats all!?

[MBF]

Hi, nice to hear from you. I have a 15 year old daughter recently diagnosed with ASD. I have always said, long before her diagbosis came, that she and my husband are so alike......these days, I am really wondering whether he is ASD too? He has had periods of depression over the years and our daughters difficulties which surfaced more as she hit puberty, have proved much more difficult for him to handle than me! She shouts, he shouts louder, and I always tell him that he needs to try and remain calm and in control and to give her times and space when she has an episode. He struggles socially and avoids these situations like the plague....hates lots of people, even family gatherings, hates eating in front of people because he likes so few things and feels like people are always on his case about it. Very cahangeable, self concious and has low self esteem. He often apologises to me as he thinks he holds me back because I have to turn down so many invitations as I know that even the thought of going would stress him out.......I just wonder thats all!?

 

 

Thanks for sharing that sounds just like our house, however, my hubby couldn't cope with her when she was small and she appeared to have a big attitude.

I spoke to my Doctor yesterday as I have been quite ill recently and think that this has been due to the stress of living through the last year. The doctor said something very funny when I tried to say that it's hard living with two people who have Aspergers he asked if the set each other off like Ferbies. That really cracked me up because that is just what it is like. Although it is me that my daughter shouts at, now she is 17 doesn't have that many episodes any more, hubby says that I am worse because I shout back. I am now starting to realise that her tone of voice is not attitude it is because she is tired, hungry or more likely AS. I am still in the process of trying to work all this out and although I have noticed AS in my Hubby first I am now reflecting on the last 17 years of my daughters life.

 

My hubby is very sociable and we are lucky that we live in a small village so he knows everyone, he can be rather inappropriate with his social interactions though and because he doesn't see social cues will bore the pants of people. Is is wrong that I find this amusing, maybe that's why I have been with him for so many years. I love some of his traits which could be AS.

Since my hubby has known about AS he appears to be less stressed and because I have changed my approach on how I talk to him, rephrasing things so that I am direct and ask him ( I tried this on my daughter last night and for the first time in years she did a chore without the arguing) he seems to come across as less criticised. Although he will withdraw when stressed and not react so is very consistent with his mood. As he appears to be Alexithmic and this is why I think he shuts down.

 

Do you get out often on your own or with friends? Do you think that if he knew it was AS and not him why he feels that way about socialising that this might help his self esteem. I can honestly say that this has helped my hubby even to the point that he now wants to get a diagnosis. I have spent the last week filling my diary with dates to see all my friends as I know that my hubby hates going out of our village and I no longer feel guilty for leaving him at home.

 

I actually talk a lot in real life too!!!!

[bonbons]

Hmmm...some interesting comparisons!! Yeah, I have found that the more I learn about AS the more I try to adapt my own communication skills, as you say, wording things differently and to the point, keeping my tone even and always trying to centre things from her point of view rather than mine, helps her to understand better and minimise challenging behaviour. Not thought of trying these techniques with my husband though??? we has a family meal at the weekend, and he was so stressed out about the whole thing that I made him stay at home and take the pressure off himself. I had a lovely time!!We do try to get out together when we can and he has been out on work events and things....he's ok if he's comfortable with the company and there are not that many people he is comfortable with. The struggle he had at the weekend has prompted him to see his doctor again this week and I may suggest at least mentioning the possibility of AS. I don't know if a dx would help or not....my daughter is only slowly coming to accept hers and I hope that it will eventually help her to understand herself better and not give herself such a hard time.....this is what I would hope would happen for hubbie if it were to be the case. My daughter is to start some cognitive behaviour sessions soon and I think in my humble opinion that this is just what he needs to.

How did your DD get on at high school? This is a particularly difficult time as despite best efforts by her school to support her needs, she is now, after many exclusions, out of mainstream education as it is felt she would be better served at a more specialist school, so we are in the middle of the whole statementing process and keeping our fingers crossed that with the right help and support, she can thrive and have a more positive future.

Sorry to hear that you have been unwell. I too have good days and bad days and stress can have such a physical effect on you! I can talk quite a lot too!!!

 

Beverley.

[MBF]

I realised about the AS because my Hubby and I were having difficulties in our marriage. After I had the worse day ever he didn't even give me a hug and when I mentioned this to a mate she mentioned AS and I looked it up on the internet. It all fit and was a real revelation. I then bought Maxine Ashton's Aspergers in Love, read it and passed it to hubby. He said it made sense and could see himself in it (he hasn't finished reading it though). He has surprised me how he has accepted it really. Hope he does mention the possibility of AS to his GP as it may help for him to understand himself.

 

My daughter did OK at High School however, I can see a level of vulnerability but she had her older brother with her all the way through school so she was quite protected by him. He has now gone off to uni and she has just completed her first year at college and practically failed all her first year modules. This I have discovered is typical behaviour for people with AS, hubby failed all his A levels back in the day too. My daughter had really bad glue ear for the first 5 years of school and I think that this helped her to tune out all the back ground noise and helped her to concentrate. I also think that the glue ear has acted as a mask for the AS. She was victim to some very nasty rumours and was bullied now and again though. It must be a nightmare for you with the her being excluded over something which isn't her fault and I hope the CBT helps her to thrive. Do you have a good specialist school in your area that you have in mind.

 

My DD doesn't have very severe melt downs and like her father will withdraw and spend two days in bed rather than get upset. I do think that I am very lucky because they appear to both be mildly affected by AS. Being off work sick is helping me work out new strategies as DD does think that I criticise her all the time. We usually fall out because I ask her to carry out a job and she will not do it. However, I realised that if I word it like. 'would you please move your bag from the living room floor' the 'would' bit gives her a choice. She doesn't want to move it. So I've started to say 'please move your bag from the living room floor' I am also trying to give her time scale too. If she is doing something like reading, which she devours books at an astonishing rate, I will give her till the end of the page. I am so pleased to report that this is working!! I got her to do two jobs last night!! This is a massive achievement for us both.

 

I found another great resource yesterday which helped when discussing a topic with my DH which required him to think outside of the box called social stories. I hope to use this with DH soon lol. Have you heard about social stories?

 

http://www.autismnetwork.org/modules/social/sstory/index.html

 

It's great to have someone to talk to Beverley. Thank you. May I PM you to compare other notes on DH's sometime?

 

M x

[bonbons]

Hi M...quick reply as on my way to work. Glad that your DD didn't struggle too much at school.Primary school was ok for her although she didn't make friends too well, but was,at that point, unaware of childrens view of her. When she got to high school her anxieties really kicked in and she told me recently that she had never realised how horrible people can be until she started there...thats where her anger issues stem from...lots of bullying etc...of course now she isn't in school, her behaviour is much improved! Husband still recovering from his emotional battle of 'can I go, can I not' over the weekend. see what g.p. says today....IF he bothers to mention AS!! never heard of social stories but will follow your link when i get a chance....and yes!! By all means, PM me whenever you like!! It's good to find someone in a similar situation!

 

Have a good day!

 

beverley x

[Tes]

Hi Bonbons and MBF,

 

Spotted this thread yesterday and have been trying to find time to read it through since then. I have now burnt the biscuits reading it! I'm hoping to find time to talk to you over the next couple of days since I think we have a lot in common but right now trying to juggle everything. Just want you to know there are a few of us out here who are struggling with it all.

 

Talk soon.

 

Tes x