hey, wanting advice

[Apk5]

hi folks

 

i'm new to this forum obviously. i thought i should pop in and get some advice

 

i'm 29 years old and i've always had problems with people. don't understand them, never seem to be able to do very well in social situations, often find myself saying inappropriate things, feeling embarassed, wishing i would just shut up. great difficulty filtering out background noise. have to turn the telly off just to type this, for instance. when at college have to listen to heavy metal just to drown out the sound of radio 1 (radio 1 makes me angry)

 

anyway, to cut to the chase

 

i've always been a bit odd like that anyway, and for years after leaving home i was a member of the anarchist movement where everyone's odd and very accepting of oddness so i kind of forgot all about it. now, reentering normal society and going to college i start coming up against the same problems i used to have in school but now without having the option of thinking that people are treating me different because of the way i dress (i dress very straight in order to fit in and not get noticed).

 

i'm still rambling. long and the short of it is, my second brother was diagnosed with aspergers when he was 10 (about 8 years ago now, i can never remember how old anyone is, is well bad like). it took my folks a while to get used to the idea like and my mother thinks quite strongly that i might be the same way as me and my second brother are very similar in that way, where my first brother is a much more regular kind of person and hasn't ever had any difficulty with people, jobs, college, anything like that. she cites a lot of behaviour issues i had as a child, not liking to be touched when i was upset, not smiling at her as a wein, that sort of thing. i barely remember primary school, but i know i didn't have any friend for a period of about 4 years and just ghosted through life until i reached high school and managed to mob up with the rest of the miscellaneous geeks and oddballs. still, i had problems with bullies (who didn't?) but managed to avoid any serious kickings by turning into a bit of a ghost, i would get told after school that i had an unnerving habit of just appearing out of thin air. one minute a friends walking down the street themselves, the next i'm standing besides saying hello. probably i never declared my presence when walking up to someone from behind, i guess you're supposed to do that so people don't get surprised

 

anyway, that's the background, but the craic really is that for a long time now i've been basically losing hope that i'll ever be able to have a normal life, girlfriend (always split-up suddenly for no apparent reason), social life (mates from back when all either married off, or living far away), all that normal stuff. i try and i try and nothing works.

 

so the thing is, i don't know whether i should try to get diagnosed. on the one hand it'd be good to know (i say know, i mean to have a proffessional opinion, self-diagnosis is the road to madness i reckon) but on the other hand i don't want to be labelled as outsider (it's bad enough that i feel it) and i've also never had good experience with doctors (treat you like a timewaster or give you pills that do funny things to your brain and body). Finally, if i'm honest i'm rather arrogant. i tend to consider myself to be in the right, morally speaking, no matter if i'm completely outnumbered.

 

i could go on. and on. and on

 

but i won't, because rambling on and on and on is a bad habit of mine that's worse on the internet because there's noone to stop me

 

thanks for your time

 

-andrew

 

ps. i'm not askin you guys to tell me whether you think i am or not, just some advice about doctors and all that. i wonder whether i should get a referral before the NHS has to start holding it's hat out for donations from passing commuters at the train station

[Tally]

Hi Andrew, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am 29 now, I was diagnosed with Asperger's aged 25.

 

If you can go to the doctor with some evidence that you may have Asperger's, they are more likely to take you seriously. Your family history (brother with AS) and the things your mum remembers from childhood are evidence that you may have Asperger's. One thing that really helped me get diagnosed was a document my mum wrote outlining the key problems I had as a child. Maybe if your mum can even come with you to see the doctor it could show them that it's not just you that thinks this.

 

For me, my diagnosis has helped me understand why I've always been an outsider, instead of blaming myself for my social difficulties. It has also helped me feel comfortable meeting with other autistic adults, in situations where I have actually felt included. It did take a little coming to terms with, to get the news that I am officially different and always will be, but now I can see that it always would have been the case even if I didn't have a diagnosis.

 

What a diagnosis won't do is help you make friends or get a girlfriend. However, if it can help you understand the root of your difficulties, it might enable you to find solutions to some of your difficulties. An Asperger or interest-specific social group might be a good place for you to meet people and start to make some friends.

[Apk5]

hey tally, cheers for the reply and that

 

i wouldn't be expecting a diagnosis to actually make my life better just like that. that's the sort of thing that takes a lot of time.

 

i kinda self-identify as aspergers, but always tinged with the idea that i'm just self-diagnosing to make excuses for myself.

 

the main thing i have to overcome to get a diagnosis is my paranoid distrust of doctors.

 

tbh, it's just good to talk to folks who have some understanding. it's tiring having to keep myself tied down all the time y'know?

 

i worry i'm coming across as a miserable git, i'm not really. i'm currently feeling better within myself than i have since i don't know when. maybe i've just outgrown trying to find approval from others, i don't know. a more likely explanation would be that i've got proper secure(ish) accomadation for a change and the reduced level of stress and hardship has finally filtered through to my concious mind.

 

again i'm overanalyzing.

 

anyway, i get by ok, i have difficulty holding down jobs but i'm getting better at that (trying to develop a more intelligent response to authority).

 

I actually found having an intellectual task to obsess over has been so helpful to me over the last few years. I'm obsessed with weaving. it's an obsession that's taken me into college, has already gotten me halfway through a degree and isn't showing any signs of ever stopping.

 

i find it amazing to think that 5 years ago my daily aim was to get enough money together for food and tobacco, and now i'm seriously considering aiming for a phd and going into research.

 

everyone should have an overwhelming intellectual obsession that makes them move to a strange town where they don't know anybody. yeah, that sentence definitely makes sense

[yorkshireT]

hey andrew,

 

wow! reading your posts is like reading my mind. weird. very similar story thus far (i.e. the parts you've shared on here). i am 28 and have just started what i hope is the road to diagnosis. i also don't trust doctors, pro's, 'authority' (anarchistic in nature myself), and i hate labels, and the thought of pigeon-holing people. everyone is different after all. but, since realising i probably have (well, self-diagnosing) AS, i feel so much more accepting of myself already. but as you do, have those doubts - 'am i just making excuses for myself?' i am so lucky that i found the diy, punk, anarchist community - one that is accepting of differences. i currently live in a squat with 4 amazing people, and they seem to have mostly come to terms with me being a bit 'weird' and sometimes maybe just seeming unfriendly and rude, albeit totally unintentionally! i think they know i love them, and i have their support through this too. anyway, i'm rambling off on one, as usual!... 'me, me, me!' :/ i hope you've got understanding at your end too. i think it helps a lot.

 

... i guess i just wanted to say hi, i think we may be at a similar place on this 'path', and it'd be great to hear how you get on with it/ what you decide/etc

 

t

 

p.s. do you play loud, shouty music too?

[Apk5]

hey T

 

i've PMed you with some slightly off-topic rambling about "the scene" and that.

 

what is more on-topic is my concerns about the cognitive effect of getting a diagnosis. i've tried getting diagnosed for depression before and it just ended up getting me more depressed. i know crude materialists like myself aren't supposed to believe in that sort of thing but i have come to realise the power of logic and argument to shape your mood.

 

i'm trying to work out my thoughts and feelings around the whole issue of diagnosis/labelling and i'm really finding it difficult to untangle the logical components from the argument from my frankly hostile attitude to society and hierarchy. there's an anti-psychiatry streak a mile wide running through me, and i think it just comes down to not trusting authority.

 

TBH i work very hard at appearing normal and i think i do a pretty good job. i've decided recently that if society doesn't want me it's just tough luck, they're stuck with me. but the fact of the matter is a lot of my problems are very possibly subjective, i may well be projecting my distaste for society onto others and thinking they're feelin nasty to me when they're not.

 

once again, this is a circular argument, completely academic and probably impossible to settle.

 

at the end of the day you can't go wrong with Stoic philosophy, the gist of which (as i understand it) goes that as long as you live a good and virtuous life you can be satisfied, no matter if people appreciate it or not. at the end of the day, you're the only person who has to live with yourself constantly, so you'd best be happy with what you do

[through variants we live on]

hi andrew i love your circular arguing, and cutting your self off from rambling, it could be like listening to me! , believe it or not, it is possible to ask every question and interlink every answer, to understand our society (and more) and our place in it in context.

 

interesting what you were (both) saying about authority, i've never been one for other peoples rules, but also understand knocking down the ugly pillar that holds up the roof isn't a good idea either.

 

and Tally if your still checking this thread, i love your sig "EVERYTHING must be STRAIGHT or else the world will EXPLODE. Those who do not believe in the Law of Straightness will not BE SAVED"

[Apk5]

hi andrew i love your circular arguing, and cutting your self off from rambling, it could be like listening to me! , believe it or not, it is possible to ask every question and interlink every answer, to understand our society (and more) and our place in it in context.

 

i'm sure it is, i'm busy enough with my own wee mission the now though, which i'm not very good at explaining. so i'll not try, cos it's friday and i'm letting my brain rest after concentrating all week.

 

interesting what you were (both) saying about authority, i've never been one for other peoples rules, but also understand knocking down the ugly pillar that holds up the roof isn't a good idea either.

 

indeed. revolution just puts another set of numpties in charge, every time. real change is carried out when nobody's paying any attention

 

and Tally if your still checking this thread, i love your sig "EVERYTHING must be STRAIGHT or else the world will EXPLODE. Those who do not believe in the Law of Straightness will not BE SAVED"

 

seconded

[Hortus]

Hi Andrew,

 

This all sounds very familiar [apart from not actually being an anarchist - although I bump against authority all the time- going through airport security with me is a nightmare].

 

I haven't been to my GP yet and that's why I joined the site, too. I guess having a brother with AS helps as you and your family know what to look for. Although what really confuses me is that all Aspies are different. I really like a rule I can measure things against! lol [not actually, lol- but you know what I mean]-

 

I started a post on here and there are a few for undiagnosed Aspies- some very helpful stuff.

 

Anyway, 'hello'.

 

K

[Hortus]

fyi, it has some links to other stuff too

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/Index.php?/topic/25415-hi-figuring-out-the-next-step-for-adult-aspie-diagnosis/

[Apk5]

cheers hortus, that's really helpful. i don't have a really great understanding of the whole Autism spectrum thing myself, my mother had a better understanding perhaps having read all the books and everything. i get the impression my father isn't quite as comfortable with placing diagnoses on people. it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way maybe. i don't know. i used to feel quite angry about being an outcast and never having anyone to travel with, but of course, you have to make too many concessions and cut your personality up so much to fit with others and i'm pretty inflexible and stubborn.

 

again, maybe it's just the way i am, but of course it would be, how could it not be the way i am? because it is. again, i still haven't decided whether to seek diagnosis or not. part of it is i don't like bothering the doctor if i don't have to.

 

so i dunno, but good to get a different perspective on things, and thanks for the link btw, that's helpful

 

i used LOL in text-chat once, but only because i had Laughed Out Loud, which is rare enough to worth remarking upon

 

-andrew

[AUT1E]

We will never have anything resembling a typical life. Being true to yourself is all you can do.

[Mumble]

We will never have anything resembling a typical life.

You may never have anything resembling a typical life, to an extent because you choose to live your live that way, but please don't try to speak for everyone on the Autistic Spectrum.

[Apk5]

Being true to yourself is all you can do.

 

i think that's fair advice for everyone really.

 

as for "normal life" that's very subjective and a question of degree. i have a house and am studying for a degree. my difficulties dealing with people are really rather vague and difficult to define, but i've learned to avoid causing offence to those who would react violently, by just avoiding all social contact with such people. thus i get by.

 

i think i get by a lot better than a great many people who could be defined as "normal"

Edited November 8, 2010 by Apk5

[bid]

Don't know if this will be helpful or not...I was diagnosed with AS when I was 41. I have an adult son with AS, ADHD and Dyspraxia. My dad thought he probably had AS and was identified with 'mild autism' at the end of his life.

 

All three of us lead/led independent lives. We all work/worked full-time. My dad was married for over 50 years with 3 kids and I've been married for nearly 20, and have 4 kids.

 

So we all have/had 'normal' lives, although not without great difficulties at times, including periods of mental health problems. My son went to a residential special school, but moved out of home this summer, and has always worked since he left special college.

 

I'm not trying to trivialise the problems people with ASD can have, but it doesn't mean it's some kind of life-sentence that bars you from having the kind of things in life other people achieve

 

Bid

[Karen A]

So we all have/had 'normal' lives, although not without great difficulties at times, including periods of mental health problems. My son went to a residential special school, but moved out of home this summer, and has always worked since he left special college.

 

 

Bid

 

 

I hope you are not attempting to claim that you are in any way normal bid.........although who can say if that has anything to do with ASD.

[bid]

 

Bid

[Mumble]

I'm not trying to trivialise the problems people with ASD can have, but it doesn't mean it's some kind of life-sentence that bars you from having the kind of things in life other people achieve

I think that's the key point - you can have difficulties and function, it's not an either/or situation. I think this is where many people have problems understanding the real difficulties we do have because disability is equated with not being able to do 'stuff', when in reality, yes it can make 'stuff' bl00dy hard at times, but it doesn't have to mean 'can't'.

[RainbowsButterflies]

when in reality, yes it can make 'stuff' bl00dy hard at times, but it doesn't have to mean 'can't'.

I think that's a very good point Mumble. The trouble with hidden disabilities is that if you appear to be functioning normally, then people can't see how hard it is to do what comes naturally to others, and mistakenly think you don't need help or are just being lazy when it becomes too much.