need urgent advice

[dannyboy]

hi all,

 

been following various topics for some time now.

 

concerned my wife is high funtioning or other (possibly alexithymic).

 

has never been able to share feelings (thoughts even). we re having terrible marital arguments

mainly over practical issues relating to our kids and future of the family finances. arguments

a fairly abusive. she doesn t pull any punches (literally) can be cutting and very sarcastic.

 

kids are suffering the arguments but my wife is completely unable to empathise with

their subsequent worries and upset.

 

this evenings confrontation concerned a number of her study books (art history). she went

mental (started shaking) until i took the cork out of the atmosphere. she wld never

show such concern when the kids get upset.

 

has completed an online aspie test and was comfortably on the spectrum. she took the test

in her own time (earlier in the year) and then told me about it. now she refuses to accept

that there might be an issue.

 

have tried to reassure that im committed to the marraige (if nothing else at this stage wld

break my heart to hurt the kids -we have 4) but need to know what im dealing with.

 

what can i do -she wont get a referral and is becoming increasing pendantic and resolute.

 

refuses to go a relationship consellor, has threatened to leave on several occasions and

asks me to almost every week. although when ive kept away (stayed at work late) shes rung to say

the kids need their father etc.

 

im a hands on dad, work and spend all my spare time with family. shes a serial academic

has never worked whilst we ve been married. i actually dont want her to work (if she s too unsure

of herself) but 11 years on, i need some support and understanding if im to keep the whole thing going.

 

wld appreciate any advice?

 

yours to all

 

dan

[bid]

Hi Dan and welcome to the forum,

 

I'm a woman, diagnosed with AS three years ago, and I've been married for 17 years.

 

We did spend 9 months going to a Relate counsellor, which worked really well for us. Relate have counsellors who are experienced in working with people who have AS, and I found our counsellor really understood me and was very supportive to both of us.

 

Perhaps you could try such a counsellor with Relate...you can go on your own, which might help you even if your wife still refused to go?

 

I think it's difficult tackling any problems within a relationship until both people can accept that there is a problem, if you see what I mean.

 

I need a visual timetable to help me organise myself. Do you think something like that would help your wife, would she accept such a suggestion? I find that if I feel secure knowing what's happening each day, it's easier for me to deal better with the unexpected.

 

Has your wife read any books on childcare? Perhaps she might understand better how her behaviour is impacting on your kids if she could read about it in an academic way? Is it possible to structure her time with the children more...for example, timetable an hour of undivided time and attention with each child regularly (to read with them, play a game, just talk, etc) so that they can all benefit from some 'golden time'?

 

HTH

 

Bid

[JsMum]

How are the children at the moment coping with the behaviour of your wife?

 

(opss I think this sentence answers my question)

 

kids are suffering the arguments but my wife is completely unable to empathise with their subsequent worries and upset.

So I would say it is important for your childrens emotional development that some urgent councilling is researched to look at possible support for your children at least as soon as possible.

 

How old are they?

 

As bid has recommended Relate they also provide councilling for children depending on how old they are and if they can understand the difficulties they are going throw, so I would defo recommend relate, years ago I did one of thier courses called moving on, it was a brillaint course, it went throw my rights and how people at the time where treating me, Some of the friendships where negative, they would put me down, make me feel inadequate, exct and the course taught me that I didnt have to except this behaviour, and with the activities I started to feel increase confidence, and how to deal with behaviours from others more assertivly and positive, it really did help me throw some difficult relationships and except the difficulties I had with interpersonal relations.

 

Relate is excellent service and they dont judge or point the finger, they are independant and I trusted them.

 

JsMumx

Edited November 29, 2010 by JsMum

[bid]

Should have said we have 4 kids too.

 

Bid

[dannyboy]

hi bid

 

shortly after i posted this, my wife decided to take it upon herself

to organise child therapy for my son who is having attitude problems

at school. he is a bright boy (top of the class - age 10) but has a tendency to shout

out answers and struggles in group work. (he deleted his groups work last

week because it wasnt up to scratch - in his opinion!)

 

she didnt discuss this therapy with me, she just went ahead and booked it. this

is all in the context of me asking for couples counselling for well over

two years.

 

anyway- weve been a couple of times (with and without harvey). after the second

session i raised the issue that eileen and i were having arguments and that this

may be the problem for him in terms of his emotions. although eileen has never

showed any interest in counselling for the two of us, she then started crying??

 

the next week she then advised both myself and the therapist of the 'deleting'

episode at school? i was gobsmacked. i said this is exactly the same attitude you

take in group work (she is a serial academic and is always slagging off others views

etc - even arguing with lecturers, when she gets a bad mark).

 

this week she has taken to insinuating that im a narcissist and an emotional

control freak (i wish i had the opportunity to be) and following a weekend where

she brought her sister into things (which isnt a bad thing, as she refuses to discuss

the problems we're having with anyone that might offer any advise) she has decided to get

a gp referral. the gp has told her that she can see nothing wrong (obviously, because she is a bright,

v articulate, beautiful and funny women)and now i have to go along and state my case as if it

were a trial.

 

im nervous, to be frank, as ive made my case around her having austism but im not

a psychologist - having read loads of books i just cant see that it cld anything else?

 

being a victim and blame, plays such a huge part i thought it may be a martyr complex or

something similar (her mum - devote catholic - also lacked empathy. she had 6 kids and used to beat them

into order)

 

im going potty with all this as im supporting everyone, studying and coming home to sofas and

shouting.

 

again any advice/words wld be most appreciated.

 

best

dan

[mygifts1306]

I am sorry to hear that, Relate are good, in scotland they call themselves Marriage care. what are her reasons for not seeking help? does she feel things are going well? Its admirable of you to write out these issues, sometimes people go for counselling and are not willing to take on board what they are told. Maybe your wife would like to do voluntary work, it might get her mind off things that are bothering her.

 

sorry

[bid]

Hi again Danny <'>

 

Even if your wife won't go to Relate, you can go on your own and still ask for a counsellor with experience of AS. It might be extremely helpful for you to talk through all of this with someone trained in both relationship difficulties and AS. At the very least you would be able to express everything you feel in a safe, neutral environment, and the counsellor may have suggestions on what you might do next.

 

If you have to talk to your wife's GP, I would go on your own so that you can speak openly, and I would be very clear about your concerns for your children's emotional well-being.

 

I do hope you can find a way forward. Unfortunately, as Mygifts points out, counselling will only work if both people are committed to to finding a positive way forward.

 

Good luck, and please keep posting <'>

 

Bid

Edited March 25, 2011 by bid