Personality clashes with Asperger's

[Bloodheart]

Does anyone else feel their personality clashes with their 'aspie personality'?

 

My personality is loud, opinionated, confident to the point of arrogance, and I believe if it wasn't for asperger's I would be the life and soul of the party - the asperger's balances me out in a way I suppose. Being aspie means I struggle socially and don't 'get' fun - this is what bothers me, it’s not things like feeling lonely due to lack of friends, what gets me is that I want to go out and be wild, loud, social, but just don't know how, the idea of ‘fun’ just baffles me.

 

I feel that a lot of my personality does come from having been an aspie, I was never diagnosed as a child and asperger's or autism was never mentioned. I was mute for a large part of my childhood and I felt trapped, other people talked on my behalf so I believe I grew to be loud and opinionated to make-up for this, I was bullied a lot for being so strange which I believe gave me my strength and confidence...as for where I get the arrogance...well it's not arrogance if I really am that great

 

In my head I know who I am, sometimes it can come across a little online, but no one else ever sees my personality – and what are we if not our personality?! It's always the aspie characteristics to my personality that they see; shy, quiet, ignorant, cold, anti-social, rigid, unfeeling, boring, self-centred, whiney, weak, and of course people see the meltdowns (uncontrollable crying in my case). This to me is about as far as I see myself as could be possible.

 

Don’t get me wrong, asperger’s has it’s benefits, as well as the above it also makes me genuine, honest, smart, and most people who get to know me see this too, I’m just saying there is a clash between my personality and the asperger’s characteristics. I do think that although apserger’s seriously influences your personality, at the same time your personality remains separate from the characteristics from asperger’s.

 

Where as I was closer to a person with severe autism as a child (seriously, I could barely function) I can now pass as an NT, but I still feel trapped like I did when I was mute; I may be able to talk and express myself now, but I can't express my personality! It makes me feel sad that it seems as though as far as I've come in my life, and dealt with challenges, the fact remains the aspie part of me means I won't get to be who I am.

 

Anyone else have any idea what I mean?

[alexmum2]

Does anyone else feel their personality clashes with their 'aspie personality'?

 

My personality is loud, opinionated, confident to the point of arrogance, and I believe if it wasn't for asperger's I would be the life and soul of the party - the asperger's balances me out in a way I suppose. Being aspie means I struggle socially and don't 'get' fun - this is what bothers me, it’s not things like feeling lonely due to lack of friends, what gets me is that I want to go out and be wild, loud, social, but just don't know how, the idea of ‘fun’ just baffles me.

 

I feel that a lot of my personality does come from having been an aspie, I was never diagnosed as a child and asperger's or autism was never mentioned. I was mute for a large part of my childhood and I felt trapped, other people talked on my behalf so I believe I grew to be loud and opinionated to make-up for this, I was bullied a lot for being so strange which I believe gave me my strength and confidence...as for where I get the arrogance...well it's not arrogance if I really am that great

 

In my head I know who I am, sometimes it can come across a little online, but no one else ever sees my personality – and what are we if not our personality?! It's always the aspie characteristics to my personality that they see; shy, quiet, ignorant, cold, anti-social, rigid, unfeeling, boring, self-centred, whiney, weak, and of course people see the meltdowns (uncontrollable crying in my case). This to me is about as far as I see myself as could be possible.

 

Don’t get me wrong, asperger’s has it’s benefits, as well as the above it also makes me genuine, honest, smart, and most people who get to know me see this too, I’m just saying there is a clash between my personality and the asperger’s characteristics. I do think that although apserger’s seriously influences your personality, at the same time your personality remains separate from the characteristics from asperger’s.

 

Where as I was closer to a person with severe autism as a child (seriously, I could barely function) I can now pass as an NT, but I still feel trapped like I did when I was mute; I may be able to talk and express myself now, but I can't express my personality! It makes me feel sad that it seems as though as far as I've come in my life, and dealt with challenges, the fact remains the aspie part of me means I won't get to be who I am.

 

Anyone else have any idea what I mean?

You sound like a real nice person to me.... i have a son who has some wonderful gifts like you... and I know he would make a great friend for someone but unfortunately he has no friends which breaks my heart.... but like you things were very difficult for him in the begining but he has learned to cope know he is 13yrs.

I agree with you about personality ... the personality that people see is not the real one I see thsi all the time in my son .... if only otheres saw what I saw they would see a different person this is why I get son faustrated and sad I feel my son like you is missing out on so much fun.

I had no friends at school and still find it difficult now to make and keep freinds but when I did have friends life was so much better...... i think i had undiagnosed aspergers.... life has been a great struggle for me, but i have survived i think thats all we can do.... but of course live in the hope that things will get better some times they do and sometimes they don't.

If you ever have the time i would love you to tell my son of what your life has been like... how you have coped... just to give him some hope .... but only if you want tto I realise that you may have concerns about this it's jsut i think he would benefit from someone else who has aspergers look on things.

[Kazzen161]

I have sometimes wondered what my son would be like if he did not have Aspergers - it is hard to separate what is due to the AS and what is his natural personality. I don't think his AS stops him expressing his own personality, but I think it does make some of the aspects of his personality become more annoying than they would be without the AS.

 

As an NT, I feel that life circumstances stop me being who I really am. I have to act a certain way because of what is happening in my life (eg: I do not really like conflict, but have ended up in many such situations because of things that happen in my life). We also have to behave in certain ways at work, in formal meetings, etc, so again we are not really being us.

 

I guess the less stressed we are, the more our true personality has a chance to be shown. So if we can find friends we are comfortable with, a job and hobbies that we enjoy, somewhere to live that we are happy in, then we can relax enough to be our true selves.

 

Can you think of anywhere that you could be your true self? eg: an NT person might join an amateur dramatics society so that they can express their more confident side; or might invite friends to their house for dinner rather than going to a posh restaurant if they are not very confident.

[Sally44]

What I see in my own son is a 'conflict' sometimes between what he wants or wishes to achieve and what his difficulties allow him to do. We have been referred to CAHMS because he gets so frustrated with himself because he feels his brain "stops" him. So I understand what you mean by that.

I think with many things there is a barrier to break through. Sometimes, just doing something for the first time allows you to get through that barrier. At other times you need to be kind to yourself and to some degree 'neotiate' with yourself about what you can/cannot do or cope with.

I assume that people with phobias might feel similar. And although ASD is not a phobia the level of anxiety in both phobias and ASD can be severe and that in itself will affect anyones ability to do what they want to.

 

I would say that on a very small level alot of people do experience this. For example someone being a brilliant singer and yet having stage fright and never getting the chance to perform. But obviously it isn't the same thing as having a life long condition that is 24/7.

 

There might be things you could consider to see if they help. For example drama and role play. But it is usually only those that we get really close to that know our true self.

[Tally]

Don’t get me wrong, asperger’s has it’s benefits, as well as the above it also makes me genuine, honest, smart, and most people who get to know me see this too, I’m just saying there is a clash between my personality and the asperger’s characteristics.

How do you know it's the Asperger's that causes you to be genuine, honest and smart? Maybe you are like this because you think it is the right way to be. I think you should keep the credit for it yourself.

[Boy]

It's always the aspie characteristics to my personality that they see; shy, quiet, ignorant, cold, anti-social, rigid, unfeeling, boring, self-centred, whiney, weak

I find this quite offensive.

 

Being autistic doesn't 'block' my true personality. It's a huge part of who I am, and a huge part of my personality. I am awkward and somewhat shy, mostly a loner, and I can be cold/anti-social/rigid/unfeeling/self-centred, which might be because I am autistic, but it's still me. And lots of non-autistic people can have all of those 'negative' traits (I don't think of all of them as purely negative). Ignorance is not a trait of ASD; none of those things are concrete traits of ASD. Being arrogant could just as easily be caused by autism (selfishness and the feeling of 'always being right' leading to arrogance) as prevented by autism, and some autistic people are confident and outgoing ('active but odd' moreso than aloof or passive; personally, I have times when I can be any of those three, or a mixture). I wouldn't consider myself ignorant, especially not compared with the general population, and I wouldn't consider myself boring, whiney, or weak. Perhaps less independent than many people without autism, but I am also intelligent, interesting (in my own way, anyway; I don't care if other people find me boring, because they are likely people I have little in common with, anyway, and people who share my interests wouldn't find me boring).

 

I've met autistic people who I think are ignorant and arrogant and annoying and intimidating. I've also met autistic people who I think are sweet and kind and funny and interesting. Funnily enough the same can be said of non-autistic people I've met.

[trekster]

Yeah im having problems with 'not so rules orientated less literal aspies'.

[Eccentric]

I agree with what Boy says about you, Bloodheart (tho' I don't find it offensive). I don't think you can find the 'real you' under the Aspergers. The AS is part of what you are, and the best thing to do is learn to live with it, as I have.

 

However, you are taking a very negative viewpoint, and I suspect this is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Are you sure people think you are whiny, arrogant, self-centred etc? Do they actually say so, or are you just reading this into how they respond to you? I hope you're not using AS as an excuse for this negativity.

 

Dwelling on the difference between what you think you really are and how you think others see you isn't going to do you any good. The best thing to do is carry on as normal, but if someone reacts negatively to something you say or do - they may be angry, scornful, irritated etc - try to understand why this was. Was it a mistake on your part? If so, what? What would you do differently next time?

 

Finally, learning to cope with AS can't be done quickly. It's taken me over thirty years, and I'm certainly not out of the woods yet. But like everyone else, ND or NT, I know more than I did than when I was younger, and am happier because of it. I hope in years to come you will be able to say the same.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Eccentric