Hi from a new Mum in crisis

[chloesmum]

Hello to everyone,

 

Just wanted to share my story and hopefully get some advice from others in a similar situation.

My 15yr old daughter is in the process of being diagnosed with aspergers after a year of being treated for depression and getting nowhere. In the past 12 months she has overdosed twice, repeatedly attacked both myself and her sister and is currently having no education as she is far too anxious to cope with it. Last week we saw her psychiatrist after I asked for a medication review as she has been taking Fluoxetine for a year with no effect. I asked him for a sedative to give her when she's feeling really bad as this was suggested by her mental health nurse. He refused to give this to me. It was her birthday last weekend and we had meticulously planned a trip to London to go to Tokyo Toys (she's obsessed with Anime and Manga) but I got a sickness bug and couldn't take her. She could not cope with the disappointment and ended up jumping off the banisters at home. She has broken a toe and both feet and ankles are a swollen, bruised mess. I am a single parent and have so far managed to keep working (my only outlet) but now realise I will have to give up work and be her full time carer. I cannot tell you how depressed that is making me feel.

 

Is there anyone else out there with a similar story who can give me some hope for the future?

[lizj]

First of all, you have my sympathy - anyone coping alone with an Aspergic teenager has a lot on their plate.

All I can say is that the stresses and strains of the teenage years have a serious effect on ASD teens, all those hormones and life changes can make things much worse than usual. This bad spell won't last for ever.

You are getting some help and support from the medical people, make the most of them.

And don't be too hard on yourself. You have a difficult child and a hard life at the moment, which is isolating and depressing. Look after yourself - perhaps you need to see your doctor yourself?

[chloesmum]

Thanks for the reply. It's comforting to know there are others who understand what I'm going through. Hopefully this latest incident will result in a change of medication as her acute anxiety is preventing her from having a life. She's having a visit from the outreach team today so fingers crossed. As for myself, you're probably right and I will see my doctor when I get time.

[smiley1590]

when i was 14 years old i had depression like your 15 year old daughter i was in such bad way state i was everywhere mentally/emotionally i was a wreck ... when you've wrote like mirror image of me back then i was on prozac fluxoetine ( prozac) was first anti-D'ps meds i was put on by teen pyschtrist i was verbally abusive /aggressive aswell as physically end in meltdown crying screamin angry lashing out at parents for hours having to be physically pinned down restrained and had so much strength behind me when in a rage i would swear pull knives at my mum's throat i taken O'd after these incidents and ended up at A & E hosp until early hours of morning i end up cut all up my arms i once so out of control the police was called due to my pyschtrist advising my mum if got so bad and needed back to call for emergency help in that urgent situation which she did and ambulance was also called i was taken to hosp and had to be seen my MH crisis team on call pyschtrist

 

just like out of body experience don't even like you doing it feels like someone else i think because you can't express into words how feeling you have all going round in your head and builds up too much become overwhelmed suffocated and just explode and can't take anymore because you don't understand you or your life and feel so alone in 'everyday fight/battle' wity yourself and the A.S so much pressure /strain makes you 'snap' break you feel so bad and guilty after it happens you just hurting so bad feel so horrid ....

 

i think with hormones raging around your head and emotions up and down and add A.S /M.H probs to the situation just complicates things another step up and also with physical body changes with realising how 'different' your life is to others you know and love and that annoys frustrates you ... i know my parents found very hard to cope deal with manages as like living with 'bomb' on 'egg shells' i keeped a diary that keep write down all stuff in my head all thinking so out of your head .... that did help abit so that's my own personal suggestion helped me out it so stressful for all involved because it hidden struggles/difficulties feels like you're invisible and you're liar/faker as hard to prove

 

you reach a point where think i can't do this i'm so sick of feeling worn down tired not getting the 'outside world' getting so confused ,lost mixed up and not being able to say how you really feel not finding 'right words' to explain and seeing parents /family feel useless helpless is scary you just want it all to STOP! and do anything to do it! even if means something dangerous /risky impulsive situations /behaviours it awful to be in i can personally relate to your daugther and with your daughter also trying to adjust to A.S in her mind try balance everything going on!!! such hard obstacle/challenge to take on behind closed doors so much goes on we try carry on keep away from everyone sometimes just 'spills' 'comes out'

 

XKLX

 

does your daughter self harm ? has she said to you that she doesn't want to live anymore?

[chloesmum]

Hi there, sorry to hear you've also been through the same nightmare as my daughter. Are things better for you now and if so how did this happen?

 

My daughter doesn't regularly self harm but has cut herself in the past. After she jumped the other day she said she wanted to hurt herself really badly but not to die. I don't know how to help her, have you got any advice?

[smiley1590]

prozac had no effect on me i was depressed before before officially diagnosed that at same time of A.S . her looking forward to the concert then you getting ill i know can't help unexpected situations to crop up and end up situation being cancelled but for us it the build up of excitement enjoyment then out of our control something happens and makes feel anxious,stressed,frustrated ,annoyed inside that bubbles eats away and she let it out she showed you physically by jumping off banister may seems drastic extreme she probably been looking forward for weeks and then not to work to happen is so hard take on the chin accept we find harder more struggle to accept as try plan every last detail going to happen work out exactly like we plan and if it don't upsets us .... i know part of life ... but us A.S can't see it like that through our eyes if somethings planned as routine is should be followed through whatever through

 

i learn't sometimes things don't work out the way you want them it's A.S trying to get Perfect obsessive thinking to control us it know seems mad crazy ... but just the way it is can't help it ... sometimes we wish we could as really doesn't feel 'comfortable' sit nice with us and you probably now feel bad guilty as you had to cancel you can't help being ill but then again she can't help reacting way A.S makes her think she probably built in up in her head planned it all as going to go ahead happen i know myself i do this alot too with different situations that happen i try keep in control .... when doesn't go to plan the routine all hell breaks lose because we just don't get why routine has to change or plans have be put on hold or cancelled!!! probably seems selfish on her part but she just can't see it blinded by her A.S thinking and overwhelming impulses she then acts on because of feeling out of control and overwhelmed! and anxious upset hurt ... all of them things .... it's hard to swallow and just move on get on with it as not way we have set it up in our A.S heads! like confusin puzzle trying to explain why routine is changing ....

 

hope this gives you insight in how she may see the situation!

 

XKX

[smiley1590]

i would note down her moods day by day things you may pick on her behaviours comments she may say to you etc keep record to show pyschtrist when next see him /her meds haven't really worked on me in past i been on risperdal ( risperdone) that for outbursts/meltdowns physcial didn't work for me may work for your daughter they do prescribe it for A.S peeps struggling find difficult to control anger aggressive probs/meltdowns i would get her to do mood chart to score her moods morning ,noon and night to get her recognise how she feeling too her emotions and she may not get what she feeling i know i don't sometime but especially when early puberty stage everything confusing lost but for us everything seems so much profounded worse due to A.S depression all add on things people just don't 'get' or see too clear notice ... the meds that last was on called parexotine again prescribed to A.S peeps for depression,anxiety etc did make me feel more in control less anxious more calmer

 

hope that helps you in some way!!!

 

XKX

[chloesmum]

Yes I understand completely why she acted as she did and know that she can't control her emotions and hurts herself out of pure frustration. I want to help her to deal with this as much as I can. Have you been given medication to help you cope?

[chloesmum]

Thank you so much for your help and advice, I will try everything you've suggested. I think the doctor is going to try her on Rispiredal so we'll see.

 

Take care.

[smiley1590]

i not aggressive ,violent no anger outbursts /meltdowns i don't know how i done it myself looking back as had therapies/meds all whirlwind i think just about trying to work hard at understanding 'who you are' with A.S is hard task to do all pain heartache misery i still get times when could go back how i used to be get tempted too alot i still get depressed /suicidal impulses/urges due to worrying /stress /pressure i put on myself become alot to bear and so much to overcome everyday does grind you to halt where you think is this impossible will i ever be like everyone else or am i wishing too hard i compare too much to others out there as i crave become jealous .... i think maybe you and her reading up on A.S and puberty ,depression etc will help her find more foundation a base start from gaining more insight and knowledge out of her own personal thoughts/feelings/emotions experiences/situations helped me discover alot more though it hard to accept accept never find 'missing part ' of you always searching for i blame myself feel guilty bad still do for having A.S MH probs you feel burden like little child stuck trapped in a body ... your daughter seems crying out as seem stuck trapped in 'black deep hole' dragging her under she may feel 'brighter' once feel steadier about facing her official diagnosis of A.S this may also be playing on her mind! so many unaswered questions she will have going on her head ....

 

some web links to books which may help with information ,advice etc :

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_5_24?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=aspergers+and+depression&sprefix=aspergers+and+depression

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_5_24?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=aspergers+and+depression&sprefix=aspergers+and+depression#/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_19?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=aspergers+and+girls&sprefix=aspergers+and+girls&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Aaspergers+and+girls

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_19?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=aspergers+and+puberty&sprefix=aspergers+and+girls&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Aaspergers+and+puberty&ajr=3

 

she be in frightening place to be for awhile

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

i have been given meds Anti-dp's and i get such low state of mind my emotions dipped so bad i suddenly stop taking them skip them to punish myself everyone tell me it wrong but just want to hurt yourself so much for feeling being 'outsider' feeling so isolated confused by the world all time just feels such a mess .... try work out what's going on in your head like rollercoaster you try 'fix' yourself best you can as you feel one day it just 'go away' leave you alone i've tried running from 'myself' as hate yourself and your life and have so little belief and self esteem nothing feels any worse!!!

[chloesmum]

It's good to know that you're coping much better now. All I can say is well done, you're a fighter! Hope my daughter can find the strength in her that you have, I will do my best to support her through these scary times.

[smiley1590]

i now write poetry about my life experiences alot about depression etc one day hope get published to so people hear of hidden heartache pain behind closed doors and eyes too!!! also what about you going to local A.S parent support group if they have one get tips /advice off parents whp been there themselves who know how it is in real life .... experienced it personally .... A.S grips you emotionally /mentally sometimes wishing weren't born weren't here!!! i can sympathise empathise with both of you .... hit at my heart strings reading this took me back to my past teen years .... i still feel alot guilt bad on what i put my parents family through but my parents understood i was 'ill' with depression confused lost so bad .... i lucky have understanding supportive parents /family behind me like your daughter she'll be thankful grateful like i am!! couldn't have done it without them they've helped me through ....

[smiley1590]

just reassure remind her which i sure you do anyways ... that you proud of her and with her every step of way no matter what she struggles with finds hard cope manage with .... that boost self esteem and help feel supported in battle with depression as 'long road' to overcome and you don't really overcome just 'live with it' becomes 'bearable' not easy still hard .... she probably don't want face up to she struggling finding 'things' hard on her own she may push you away by lashing out etc just remember nothing's personal attack even though may seem feel like it at time or on purpose .... not reflection on you just way she feeling inside that she can't find words to say to you and she probably wants to the O.d her 'silent scream out loud like 'mum please help me i'm scared' etc i was for me anyways

[smiley1590]

i wouldn't say coping much better with depression just hide deep down within me now i cry myself to sleep worry endlessly over 'nothing' alot of the time feel useless pathetic worthless sometimes life has no meaning no purpose .... and i think what's point!!! who am i? where do i belong?! lifelong list of never ending questions emotions feelings which feel so out of reach/control X

[Kathryn]

Hi Chloe's mum,

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

I do have a similar story, in fact I joined the forum at much the same stage as you, desperate and looking for help, with a newly diagnosed, severely depressed and anxious 15 year old daughter who was unable to cope with school any more.

 

She only managed two days of the start of year 11 and then fled home and we had to get her signed off sick. Over the next year it was extremely tough. She rarely left the house. For a long time I had to stay at home all the time as her carer as she wasn't safe to be on her own - the slightest thing would set her off and she would scream and hurl things against the walls or sit for ages banging her head against her chest of drawers. She went through long periods of not speaking at all and on the worst days I couldn't even take her in the park nearby as barking dogs would cause a complete meltdown. At the same time I was battling with the local authurity, battling with CAMHS, trying to ring people every day to get some support - that's another story - but the stress of that didn't do much for my own health. On the rare occasions I did venture out on my own I automatically scanned the house on my return to check she hadn't smashed the windows! For a long time it felt like I had lost her - so drastic was the change.

 

I'm not just telling you this to make you feel worse, but to show you how things used to be for us, and how far we have come. Because now she is happier in herself, her self -confidence and independence are growing, she has resumed studying, is in the process of applying to Uni and has two voluntary jobs. I enjoy her company so much, she has developed into a mature adult and she supports me in a lot of ways. She's still got challenges but mostly she can deal with them, with a bit of support. All this took a long time to achieve though.

 

I hope this gives you a bit of hope that it won't always be as bad as this. You may be in for a long haul though, so hang on to whatever support you can get, for yourself and her. Medication may make a big difference by bringing her anxiety within normal limits, but sometimes it takes a while to find the right med and dose. Talking therapy may help too (it didn't for my daughter - but everyone is different). At some point she may be ready to resume education: my daughter was eventually offered a place on a supported course at the local college and this helped her get some sense of purpose and routine back into her life.

 

You can apply for disability living allowance for your daughter and you may be entitled to carer's allowance: this will help financially if you do have to give up work or reduce your hours. If you can, try to find something to do which takes you out the house and away from the situation. After months of seeing my life as a full time carer mapped out before me, I felt I would go crazy, so I do identify with your feeling depressed at the thought of giving up work. Eventually I was lucky enough to be offered a very part time job. A good friend came to look after my daughter while I was out. That job saved my sanity. Now things are back to normal, I have a different and more demanding job and feel like a normal parent again.

 

I think this post is long enough now so I'll stop!

 

We're always here to listen - this forum was my lifeline through all the difficult times - use it to get information, sympathy, or just to rant if you need to!

 

K x

Edited December 3, 2010 by Kathryn

[chloesmum]

Hi Kathryn,

 

Thanks so much for your reply. It's really good to hear that your daughter has come through the bad times, I'm so happy for you both and it gives me hope for the future. I do feel that unless you're actually looking after a child like ours you really can't understand what it's like, so I'm sure this forum will be a big help to me. I know things won't change quickly, I'm in it for the long haul which is pretty daunting cos I'm physically and emotionally wrecked.

[chloesmum]

Hi Smiley,

 

Sounds like things are still difficult for you. All I can say is thanks again for all your advice it's been really helpful. I know my daughter is feeling all of the things you do, but is unable to tell me. The fact that you are prepared to help others should make you very proud of yourself!

 

J x

[smiley1590]

you don't have to THANK ME AT ALL!!! no worries would your daughter be willing to speak to me about how she feeling as i go through same experiences as her she may feel open to express it if she knows there are teen girls who been where she is going through at the moment? and maybe when your daughter's situation is more 'balanced' 'stable' she can help someone else struggling find things difficult to cope and manage if i can pass on personal experience i will where possible nothing to be proud of really! don't be hard on yourself through this dark period give yourself 'your time' chill relax if possible!

 

XKLX

[bonbons]

Hi chloesmum....and thanks to everyone else who contributed to this thread, as your advice and insight has been so terribly helpful to me too.......scarily similar situation to yours tbh...Daughter 15 years old, recently diagnosed and displaying many of the behaviours you described, both at home and at school, eventually leading to her being excluded from high school. Anxiety levels so high she could no longer cope in mainstream and is currently out of education and waiting for statement to come through which will hopefully secure a place at a specialist school which can address her difficulties and hopefully give her the help and support she needs for the future. As little as 6 months ago, the throwing and smashing of objects, kicking through of doors,and self harming, was a very regular occurance but now that she is away from school, her behaviour has considerably improved!She's still hard work...always have to think about what I say and how I phrase things....Have found that, with her anyway, it's best to react as little as possible when she does explode, and let her have time to process what happened, rather than get mad with her at the time...that just makes a bad situation worse!! She calms down much quicker this way , I find, and will usually then apologise. Keeping her well informed with regards to doctors/camhs/dental etc appointments, or other plans so that she knows what to expect and has time to adjust to the situation has also helped...before, I perhaps would spring things upon her and it would make her angry and anxious! I am still learning all I can about ASD and this is a great place for advice and information. One concern I do have at the moment is tummy problems...sick on a daily basis which doctor says is anxiety related, and the only meds she has been prescribed is for this, and they don't seem to be helping!? When a child is diagnosed late like this, as a parent you have to re think how you parent in many ways, and I see now the mistakes I have made that have, in the past made things worse, and techniques I have since tried, that have made things better, and I ,like you, am still in the thick of it, and I'm sure, whilst progress has been made, there will be more challenges ahead! I understand her world much better now though!It's good to read on here though, that this won't go on forever, for their sake and for ours!!

Take care

Beverley, Cheshire.

Edited December 4, 2010 by bonbons

[chloesmum]

Hi bonbons,

 

I don't know about you but it worries me that so many girls are being diagnosed so late. My daughter showed a lot of signs from a young age, she's been obsessive about what she wears since she was tiny, had epilepsy, dyspraxia and was a tiptoe walker. I hate to think of her suffering in school for so long cos I now know it was pure hell for her. It's a shame your daughter can't get into a special school til she's statemented. My daughter has only just started her diagnosis, which they tell me will take up to a year, but has had a place in a small medical tuition group since September. Unfortunately her anxiety is so bad at the moment she can't face going but I'm hoping she'll start back after xmas. Can you get any home tuition, my daughter had that during the last summer term, it's only an hour a day but it got her back into studying after months of sitting on the computer watching anime.

 

I know exactly what you mean about learning how to talk to your daughter, it's something I'm still learning and is like treading on eggshells. One wrong word and all hell breaks loose. Sometimes, when she's doing something outrageous, I do find it hard to stay calm and not lose my temper cos there's just no reasoning with her.

 

Oh well rant over for tonight!