xmas 21st bday and loss ,grief too much!!!

[smiley1590]

as most of you know on here i lost both my nans in 2009 finding hard to get excited bout xmas just feel emoty drained tired weak trying to be 'fake happy' when all this festive period about family getting together struggling to hold it together and not break down fall apart feel i'm in on edge falling feel like no one can hear me we ( me and my twin brother) have got 2 weeks until we turn 21 as went in card shop other day and saw happy 21st grandaughter card runs so deep the hurt i can't behind to unfold where it lies within me or whether i could cope going that deep to manage my emotions and feelings or tip me right off edge completely i going on cementary next week with my mum put red cross up there for my nan and two wreefs one for my nan and one for my grandad one white one red for both of them they fake so don't go funny with weather ( my mum's mum and dad) have never been up there with my mum before so should be 'interesting' see how both react up there together for first time dreading it in a way A.S makes more difficult process loss ,grief just circles round like everything else in my life and this time of year with special birthday coming up making so hard to face up too! i try sort it in my own head think trying rush myself through avoid grieving process that A.S pyschologist ( NAS) trying get me to go through scared afraid as moving on feel like her face faded,voice smell on her jacket n cardy i got going last thing i said to her and feel guilty and bad i think more about my mum's mum than i do of my dad's mum and was so close to both just as much loved them jointly! i keep thinking why one come first though? i get angry and annoyed for that!

 

wish i said something speech or poem at my mum's mum funeral regret that and i didn't tell my nan last time i saw her i 'loved' her why! my mum said she knew but how i told her every fri just last one missed it out now kick myself! every time walk to work have tears welling up in my eyes lumps in my throat and memories 'flashing' all time especially in work area to where she used to live like can't avoid it follows me everywhere ..... i feel so lost numb walking to work yet head full of hurt and pain take deep breath walk into work some days want break down into floods of tears at work at night i go over 'everything' if she was thinking of me when she was in hospital and on her 'last day' i never visited her in hosp ( both of my nans) both seriously ill poorly and wouldn't wanted 'us' me seeing them in that state they were in i try remind myself of that statement then guilt badness sets in solid i feel trapped like can't open up to no one

 

i'm literally drivin myself crazy mad with grief ,loss don't think living with A.S makes any 'easier' to find way work out in my head in steps like i want buy them both presents cards for xmas i can't wish send a card pressie to heaven! the more days flick by to xmas and our birthday makes want to run and scream in opposite direction?! every time i see a nan xmas card want to burst into tears! i'm trying to carry on be happy do xmas 'stuff' by blockage of loss grief makes this effort each and every time have to 'force' myself to attempt it when just want pull cover over my head or lie in corner cry and scream my heart out .... feel like never ending circle .... i know nans wouldn't want me 'beating' myself up over 'everything' but relive each moment in slow motion everyday in my head and awful unbearable i'm breaking inside my heart melted i feel i'm slipping .... grrr.... i feel 'invisible' i feel like 'double me' stopping me from 'accepting' A.S and me and i false irrational belief system if stay stuck in this cycle may bring them back somehow .... then sting of reality comes back sets in ...and feel like i deserve to stay 'stuck' here forever as let them down but also feel sucked in deep black hole at bottom of cave calling screaming no one can hear me .....

 

everyday power struggle with myself to remain 'fighting battle' going strong feel like just 'hanging' on by 'thread' by fingertips scared let anyone in get too close see the 'real' situation pain hurt headache .... just feel so alone with A.S loss grief so isolated confused lost all blimin time wears you down feel guilt bad enjoying yourself i again have irrational thoughts that come back for xmas 'just appear' and be 'better' everything be 'ok' again my heart life would be in ruins pieces didn't realise this be so hard overwhelming feel like task of griefing accepting too much to bear .... i feel so 'wrong' for not wanting to 'accept' what happened etc

 

XKLX

[bid]

Unfortunately it is a fact of life that sad things happen to us all, just as lovely things happen too.

 

I think it can help to look at how we approach the things that happen to us: in my experience it's best to try to be as positive as we can about our lives. It's always good to focus on positive things rather than negative things.

 

I'm probably around the same age as your mum. Loads and loads of sad and sometimes awful things have happened to me, just like everyone else...but I try to focus on all the good things in my life instead. This is now the fourth Christmas without my lovely dad, but I know that he would want me to enjoy this time of year rather than to be sad that he's not here.

 

Bid

[trekster]

Although I haven't lost any relatives lately, I am also severely depressed.

I made a pact with a friend last night to "beat depression together".

 

I went to a Xmas meal the other night and had 2 shut-downs and 2 meltdowns

I just cant face Xmas. I would rather hide in my flat than face Xmas with

my family. They make lots of sudden changes then BLAME me for reacting to them.

They dont get meltdowns and they dont accept that having my weighted blanket

(which one of them bought for me) would actually help keep me calm.

 

There is a saying that could apply to the funeral you couldn't speak at,

"hindsight is a wonderful thing". We can all go back and say "I should have

done this" or "I should have done that" or "if only I had done this" but it

doesn't help, it just ties us up in knots.

 

There is a book about "autism and grief" that might help you. How about you

toast to the memories of your grans?