Aspergers, verbally abusive..loving...angry??? sugguestions to deal with plz

[shellz]

hiya all, i have a son 25yrs ..he is loving but when tired drunk or fed up can be verbally abusive and smashes doors and then turns it round the day after to say that i wound him,when i might have said to be quiet or stop talking tome like that,,i used to think it was me but no more....anyone else going through this? i want him leave home,,but will he cope,,should i bother?

[Tally]

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are having to live like this.

 

It does sound like there is something more than Asperger's going on. Might your son accept help for his anger, or does he think it's none of his fault?

[shellz]

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are having to live like this.

 

It does sound like there is something more than Asperger's going on. Might your son accept help for his anger, or does he think it's none of his fault?

he usually says sorry for his actions,and i have been told by his friend that when he calls me or does anything that he knows it upsets me and appears to do on purpose to wind me,i am a strong natured person and to be honest i have lost it over the yrs where i said things i havent meant. he works,but hasnt kept up with his deductions and i do go on at him about getting it sorted, have suggested he gives me an amount each week and i will sort it. i do feel he gets down about his situation and then shuts off to doing anything,drinks to block it out,then gets angry n frustrated.i tried ignore him,talk to him,i feel he could be scared to admit he doesnt want to leave home,told him i be there for him,but he even tells me that no one can help until he helps himself...he either on purpose leaves his mess around the house or isnt aware..but then on other days he fine..my head is all over the placei have been on .what can i do,i have been on my own with him n his brother since toddlers,work part time n to be honest it getting too much now....thanks

[dm2010]

There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour as an adult.

AS does not prevent anyone exercising free will to speak and act reasonably on their own account. He should do so - rapidly.

[shellz]

There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour as an adult.

AS does not prevent anyone exercising free will to speak and act reasonably on their own account. He should do so - rapidly.

i think i should insist on him getting a flat n work with him that way,,,,,whats your oppinion pl

ease i have lot of friends but they see it as he knows better, like now he is being fine today. i do feel like he dominates n bullies me but people dont see it, and this leaves me wondering am i seeing it wrong. i am a strong person but when he angry i freeze now as getting older. i have been on my own since him n his brother were toddlers ,dad never bothered with them. they are so loving but both can create with beer. but the one with ASD is harder to get through to as he wont listen at all when i want to try n help him.it like as long as he go work n pays keep he doesnt bother bout his deductions, debts,priorities...

[bid]

There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour as an adult.

AS does not prevent anyone exercising free will to speak and act reasonably on their own account. He should do so - rapidly.

 

Very well said!!

 

Yes, of course at 25 he should move out.

 

Why on earth should you accept this behaviour from a grown man in your own home? It's abusive behaviour, end of.

 

Bid

[dm2010]

This isn't as AS problem, more basic discipline. And because he's used to getting away with it, will be harder to enforce. But you must - for the wellbeing of both of you. I doubt he's happy about the way things are going either.

[Tally]

Shellz, It's a really difficult situation. I can see it a bit from both sides.

 

I am an adult with Asperger's and I find that sometimes there is so much to do that I get really stressed by it all, don't know what to do, end up shutting down and doing nothing.

 

I was in a very difficult marriage with a man who had similar problems to your son. (The anger and the drinking anyway, he did not have ASD.) It was really hard and I ended up walking on eggshells trying not to upset him, but that did not work either and I still blamed myself. He was often apologetic, but never changed his behaviour. Eventually I did manage to leave the relationship, but it's obviously very different when it is your son.

 

One thing that really helps me when things get overwhelming is to talk it through. Sometimes that on its own is enough to help me see things more clearly and work out what to do. Other times it's not enough I need help breaking things down into manageable tasks. If I have a list of small tasks to resolve the problem it all of a sudden looks like a list of things I CAN do, in stead of being some huge task. If you can get your son to talk things through with you, you might be able to help make things seem more manageable. It will also help him build up his confidence and see that he CAN do things on his own.

 

The way he is behaving, it sounds like he does recognise he treats you badly. That may cause him a lot of guilt and contribute to him getting down, drinking to cope, and then the cycle begins again. He does need to break the cycle somehow. Stopping the drink may seem like a simple solution, but it won't prevent the difficult feelings that lead to wanting to drink in the first place.

 

Something like this is not something anyone can really resolve by themselves. Counselling or therapy is not like someone else resolving your problems for you. It is hard work and is more about education than medicine really; it's about learning coping skills you can use yourself. It's about being guided in the right direction to help yourself. So it does fit with wanting to help himself in stead of having other people help him.

[shellz]

Shellz, It's a really difficult situation. I can see it a bit from both sides.

 

I am an adult with Asperger's and I find that sometimes there is so much to do that I get really stressed by it all, don't know what to do, end up shutting down and doing nothing.

 

I was in a very difficult marriage with a man who had similar problems to your son. (The anger and the drinking anyway, he did not have ASD.) It was really hard and I ended up walking on eggshells trying not to upset him, but that did not work either and I still blamed myself. He was often apologetic, but never changed his behaviour. Eventually I did manage to leave the relationship, but it's obviously very different when it is your son.

 

One thing that really helps me when things get overwhelming is to talk it through. Sometimes that on its own is enough to help me see things more clearly and work out what to do. Other times it's not enough I need help breaking things down into manageable tasks. If I have a list of small tasks to resolve the problem it all of a sudden looks like a list of things I CAN do, in stead of being some huge task. If you can get your son to talk things through with you, you might be able to help make things seem more manageable. It will also help him build up his confidence and see that he CAN do things on his own.

 

The way he is behaving, it sounds like he does recognise he treats you badly. That may cause him a lot of guilt and contribute to him getting down, drinking to cope, and then the cycle begins again. He does need to break the cycle somehow. Stopping the drink may seem like a simple solution, but it won't prevent the difficult feelings that lead to wanting to drink in the first place.

 

Something like this is not something anyone can really resolve by themselves. Counselling or therapy is not like someone else resolving your problems for you. It is hard work and is more about education than medicine really; it's about learning coping skills you can use yourself. It's about being guided in the right direction to help yourself. So it does fit with wanting to help himself in stead of having other people help him.

hiya tally, and i was in a drink fueld relationship with their dad, put up with that for 11 yrs...to be honest a lot seems like he takes after him...the problem is though that he will open up one day n then changes his mind the next,suggested councilors, doctors,and said to pay one debt of at a time, or pay a little to all(said i would arrange it all) he just give me the money to pay......really dont know what else i can do other than insist he moveout and hopefully he have to be so low to ask me to help n do it.we are going round in circles.he drink weekends mainley then ###### attitude n behaviour come sunday all quiet again till friday.he smoke weed which on its own he is fine(not that i agree with it but over yrs have come to terms with.

[bid]

Just another thought...

 

In one of your posts you say he works...so presumably he can control his temper in that situation?

 

Bid

Edited February 20, 2011 by bid

[baddad]

Hi Shellz - I think you've been given lots of very sensible advice, so I'm really only posting to agree with it!

 

What you are describing is a thoughtless, inconsiderate, manipulative, aggressive & bullying adult, and none of those things have anything to do with autism whatsoever (though are often 'linked' because it's somehow more acceptable for people to believe their loved ones act that way because of something rather than face the reality that they're behaving that way because it works for them). It's probably not because he's 'inherited' it from his dad either, but if his formative years included seeing his father benefit from behaving that way then he would be more likely to adopt such behaviour as a successful and 'acceptable' model. In the same way, if he saw this kind of behaviour modelled towards you and accepted by you, then he would see this as perfectly 'normal' behaviour in his interactions with you (i.e., you are contributing by your passivity and complicity to the underlying dynamic he is exploiting).

 

Of course, that's not to say that he doesn't have 'anger management' issues - certainly if there's never been an expectation thet he manage his behaviour then he would have - but that's a completely different issue to autism, and the two things shouldn't be confused.

 

The question asked above is a very important one - if 'anger management' is only an issue with yourself and/or other specific people it is NOT an 'anger management' issue - it is targeted abuse. Another error you're making is to assume that saying sorry is the same thing as being sorry. It isn't. Ask anyone on the wrong end of an abusive relationship and you'll hear 'sorry' is (or was - it seems to disappear over time as the patterns of abuse become more ingrained) a big feature of the behaviour cycle, usually offered to receive the affirmation 'yes, I forgive you' rather than as a genuine expression of determination not to enact the same behaviours again.

 

The bottom line, as far as advice goes, is that you don't accept abusive behaviour. How you act on that is much harder to define, but ultimately if you don't say 'no' and mean it and enforce it in some way there won't be any change. Hopefully, you'll be able to achieve that, but if not it may mean that you cannot be a support network for your son.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[trekster]

There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour as an adult.

AS does not prevent anyone exercising free will to speak and act reasonably on their own account. He should do so - rapidly.

 

Meltdowns aren't always done on purpose. Sounds like the OP son is severely depressed. When this happened to me after a 5 hour

meltdown i decided enough was enough and went gf/cf. im now reverting to crying meltdowns instead of screaming ones.

 

My ex father used his craftiness to manipulate and abuse his family. i was glad when he died as his autistic malice couldnt hurt anyone again.

Edited February 20, 2011 by trekster

[bid]

Sorry, another question...does your son have an formal diagnosis of AS? Can you tell us more about his general background...school, etc?

 

Bid

Edited February 20, 2011 by bid

[bid]

Meltdowns aren't always done on purpose. Sounds like the OP son is severely depressed. When this happened to me after a 5 hour

meltdown i decided enough was enough and went gf/cf. im now reverting to crying meltdowns instead of screaming ones.

 

My ex father used his craftiness to manipulate and abuse his family. i was glad when he died as his autistic malice couldnt hurt anyone again.

 

Sorry Trekster, but I would have to disagree. What the OP has described is a history of violent behaviour towards the mother within a long-standing abusive dynamic, fuelled by alcohol and cannabis.

 

Bid

[baddad]

Sorry Trekster, but I would have to disagree. What the OP has described is a history of violent behaviour towards the mother within a long-standing abusive dynamic, fuelled by alcohol and cannabis.

 

Bid

 

I would add to this that expressions like 'autistic malice' only fuel the kind of negative (and completely unjustified) assumptions about autism and abusive behaviour detailed in the original post. Your father may have been abusive and manipulative, but that's not necessarily anything to do with autism, and if i remember correctly the only diagnosis your father ever received was your own retrospective and casual one, which you applied to him and many other members of your family(?).

I'll not respond to your assertion that going gf/df enabled you to control behaviours you had previously enacted, other than to highlight that the man most closely associated with gf/df 'triggers' - Paul Shattock - goes on the record as saying it is rarely helpful as an adult intervention.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited February 20, 2011 by baddad