Having a down day

[Ste]

Hi all

 

Just wanted an opportunity to ramble so hope you don’t mind.

 

Just having an off day really, had a really tough 6/7 months with endless trips to camhs, doctors, and school, having to deal with extreme behaviour/aggression and violence from my 6-year old (no diagnosis as yet).

 

To top it off my partner of 8-years (DS dad) decided that our relationship wasn’t what he wanted anymore and promptly moved out 2-months ago. (He has been working away for nearly a year so pretty much been a single parent anyway). Resulting in endless visits to solicitors/mortgage advisors, yet more stress and worry that I could have done without.

 

He does keep in regular contact with DS and has him every other weekend but of course even though we make every effort to keep things as ‘normal’ for him as possible; it is of course yet another change that he has to deal with. I reassure him that we both love him very much and he can call his Dad anytime he wants and luckily his dad and I have remained friends and are very much still on speaking terms so there’s been no arguments or nastiness.

 

DS behaviour seems to fluctuate between hating me (I know he doesn’t) and worrying that I’m not going to come back. He’s stopped sleeping again and I’ve had to go back to lying with him until asleep. If I go out anywhere he screams the place down clinging onto me, shouting or not talking at all, starting biting, hitting etc again. I understand that he’s feeling insecure at the moment and most probable reason for the behaviour. (this doesn’t mean that he gets away with it though!)

 

Think I’m just tired and worn out more than anything and finding DS constant demands and behaviour more exhausting than normal but i know I’ll probably feel ok again tomorrow. Would very much like just one morning where there i can just get him up and ready for school without the constant battles.

 

Like I say think just a down day and I’ll feel much brighter tomorrow, most days I am perfectly ok.

 

Thanks for listening.

[sesley]

Hi i know understand you are having a tough time. Your son is obviously distressed at your current circumstances. You might find you need to spoil him abit with your usual routines,him being confident that he can trust you and that you will not leave him. Keep your ususal daily routines that will help,they like consistiancy and routines,see if you OH will meet and talk about how best to help your son to adjust to changes at home.Is he in school? If he wants a lot of cuddles then let him,he just wants reassurence that home life despite the change is a good place to be. Its good you can give yourself time out. Do you have any grandparents or other family memebers that will help you?

[smiley1590]

the split up between you and his dad has probably unsettled him and his usual routine of dad being there all time at home he probably struggling to understand what happened and doen't know how to manage he finding hard to adjust to sudden change which probably messed him up abit! and made his behaviour start off again is there custody arrangements of when DS sees his dad in place so DS can see his dad on regular basis as all been rocky and unpredictable .... which probably lead him to his behaviours flaring playing up becoming worse again ...

 

he just needs reassurance that he will still see his dad even though he doesn't live in family home with you and him anymore he still loves him! he scared probably that you are going to up and leave too ... he confused atm ...

 

XKX

[Tally]

I'm not surprised you're having an off-day.

 

It's really good you and your ex are able to maintain a friendship. Still, it's bound to be stressful.

 

It sounds like you're doing all the right things to reassure your son and maintain consistency for him. I expect he will settle once he gets used to the new situation and it becomes part of his normal routine.

[Ste]

thanks for replies.

 

he is at school who are aware of the seperation and he sees the school child advocate weekly.

 

i'm lucky that i have been able to keep the house so at least that has remained consistant. I have a wonderful family who fully support me, he goes to Granddads for tea normally twice a week and also on a Saturday day time when he's not at Dads.

 

Hid dad and i fully discuss any problems and we tackle them together, his dad also travells back from Bristol (i'm in west mids) to attend all appointments at camhs and i can call him at anytime if i'm having any problems.

 

As he's been in Bristol for the last year DS is used to him not being there in the week but was obvoiusly used to him being home every weekend. Now he stays with him every other weekend at his Nans which is still a massive change for him i fully understand.

 

i've kept his routines as normal as i can but when he is like this his anxiety seems to heighten his reaction to socks/shoes/pants/labels etc so i've just tried to remain patient and take them off/on until 'they are right'.

 

i'm also very concerned that he keeps growling rather than talking and is just very angry at the moment (mostly at me). i'm sure a lot of children go through this in these situations and i have to ignore it as best i can and when he tells me he hates me, i just reply i love you very much.

 

When i go out, as soon as i'm back i say 'look mommy has come straight back, i'll never leave you'.

 

thanks for saying i seem to be doing the right things as this is nice to hear as we all just do our best.

 

We are at Camhs next Tues for (hopefully) the last time for the assessment stage so i'm very hopeful for some practicle advice on how best to support him going forward. I've also enrolled him for football training as i thought this would be a good way to increase his social skills and just have some fun!

[sesley]

hi, mine says he hates me as well ususally,when he is angry,but when he calms down he says sorry i love you really (today he even said to me. "I don't know what i would do without you ") The important thing is you are important to him and he can rely on you. He is also probarly in a state of emotional confusion as well. Is there anything he likes that you can take him to, the zoo or a library or a museum or swimming anything that you can spend time together having fun and a laugh.Its also good he wants cuddles,which i think are very important for bonding and reassurence.

[Ste]

ahh thats so sweet, yeah mine is very loving normally at bed time and he always tells me he loves me the most at this time.

 

we've been going to the park a lot mainly after school as it's been such nice weather which he enjoys and even if he's just watching tv i will sit next to him and let him snuggle up to me for a kiss and cuddle.

[BethK]

hugs xx

 

Do you have homestart involved at all? If not, might be worth contacting them, gives you a couple of hours respite in the home each week and someone to talk too;

 

My link

 

I left my son's father, when he was 3 months old, too much abuse going on and I refused to bring a child up in that environment. It was very hard, esp when I went through the troubles and issues with my son. Being diagnosed was a relief and I hope your son is able to get his diagnosis asap xx

[Ste]

Ahh thank you I'll let u all know the out come what ever that may be xx

[bid]

When i go out, as soon as i'm back i say 'look mommy has come straight back, i'll never leave you'.

 

 

This popped out at me, so just a thought...you are saying you will never leave him, but then you do because obviously you have to leave the house again. Maybe this is confusing him? Perhaps you could try saying something like 'Look mummy is back. Mummy always comes back.'??

 

HTH...not criticising, just looking at a literal interpretation of what you are saying...

 

Bid

Edited March 29, 2011 by bid

[Ste]

Never thought of that! Thanks for the advice I'll rethink the way I say that so thank you. I can see how I could be confusing him

[Kathryn]

Today is nearly over - so hope tomorrow is better. <'>

 

K x