living on own with Asps

[shellz]

My 25yr old son(has Asps) has had to stay with his friend due to major angers issues at home mainley when drunk,,mainley verbal abusive,but wenttoo far. He is looking to get his own place, i am very concerned how will he cope. Should i suggest i will be there if he need my help and let him try( he is hopeless with financial things)..even i home i remind him and he either forgets or purposely doesnt pay them. eg his inland revenue..worries me sick, but i cant live with him under the same roof to be truthful. he lovely,works..but very much on own in his room, get easily wound and frustrated and panicks and its as if he thinks bills dont have to be paid on time..always something else more important eg;his hair cut,new game,beer,etc....worried if he cope but have to insist and dont want him in lots of debt...thanks

[Kazzen161]

Would he be renting privately or via council/housing association? Have you investigated supported housing? Is he on the council housing register? Are SS involved?

 

It may be possible for him to get help via SS or supporting people funding - help with running a household/keeping himself clean/etc and with paying bills.

 

It is difficult to stand back and watch them mess things up, but sometimes that is the only way they will learn (so people keep telling me!).

[baddad]

My 25yr old son(has Asps) has had to stay with his friend due to major angers issues at home mainley when drunk,,mainley verbal abusive,but wenttoo far. He is looking to get his own place, i am very concerned how will he cope. Should i suggest i will be there if he need my help and let him try( he is hopeless with financial things)..even i home i remind him and he either forgets or purposely doesnt pay them. eg his inland revenue..worries me sick, but i cant live with him under the same roof to be truthful. he lovely,works..but very much on own in his room, get easily wound and frustrated and panicks and its as if he thinks bills dont have to be paid on time..always something else more important eg;his hair cut,new game,beer,etc....worried if he cope but have to insist and dont want him in lots of debt...thanks

 

Hi shellz -

 

I think you will be painting yourself into a corner by making overtures of this nature. Effectively, it sounds as though you made a threat, he called your bluff, and now you're trying to re-establish things to the way they were before you made your threat. If he is hopeless with financial things and you solve that for him by fixing it, he will always be hopeless with financial things and there will be no incentive for him to learn how not to be hopeless. If he has a problem prioritising and you always do it for him or bail him out when he messes up he will never learn to prioritise and you will always be bailing him out. If you give him reminders and he purposefully (wilfully) ignores them and then you sort it out he has no incentive to take responsibility for himself. If worrying that he won't be able to cope leads to you enabling him not to cope by coping for him he will never learn to cope.

If he has moved in with friends the liklihood is that they WON'T put up with his anger issues and verbal abuse, or with situations that go 'too far' beyond that. When they tell him to shape up or ship out he will either shape up or ship out. If the former, problem solved, if the latter, then the first door he will knock at will be yours... that's the point that you give him your groundrules, and just like his friends let him know that it is a shape-up or ship-out reprieve rather than him moving back in and it being exactly as it was before. In the simplest terms, he will continue to take the pee as long as you (or others) enable him to do so. You may, for whatever reason, choose to enable him to do so, but if you do it really is your decision and not something for which you can project blame onto him.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[kathyanne]

Hi, My son is 21, im afraid that i too couldnt cope with the constant verbal abuse he gave me and his two brothers, and i moved my son into rented. for 2 years he tried to cope but just couldnt on his own,however he seems to have turned a corner recently...... we put more family support in place and visits... we also do his finances as he was just drawing his DLA and spending it all on drink... he just couldnt budget himself!!!now he dosnt have to worry about his bills , rent, and can just ring us up and ask us for a fiver here there and everywhere, hes a diferent kid..... he has his independance but support as well...we have managed to get him into college but know the only way of getting him there is for us all to take it in turns and drive him up....wee have tried the let him learn himself and learn to be independant in the past and it hasnt worked!!! we have to go in and remind him to shower, clean etc and ring him every day.... I do sympathise with you..life has been hell for us the last three years too.... everyones experiences with asbergers are different, some seem to cope well independantly, and others dont.... do what you know is the right thing for now.... kat:)