At lest I know its not completely my fault.

[Hughey]

Excuse me.

I wanted to get this thread going, but in 10 minutes I'm going for my 12:30am walk to the other side of town alone to go get a pack of cigarettes.

 

I will finish when I get back, I won't be sleeping tonight.

 

[Kathryn]

According to my clock, your ten minutes is long since gone.

 

Hope you enjoyed your walk though.

 

K x

[Mumble]

According to my clock, your ten minutes is long since gone.

Ah, no, he says in 10 minutes he'll be going for the walk, he doesn't say how long the walk takes, how big the town is, or if he's going via any other country... He may still be walking, hence the not sleeping.

[Hughey]

Yeah, okay I'm being a whiny b**ch, and even I know that this isn't something you should talk about to anybody other than a shrink or psychologist or whatever, but I'm kinda getting sick of them and I just want a platform to just write about the stuff that's bugging me. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just have a few things that I want to write down.

 

I look back on my teens and I wandered all the time why I can't seem to communicate with people properly. Why I never had anybody who I could call a true friend (except the computer and various bits of gym equipment), why relationships failed within a week and why I could never seem to pull anybody hot or somebody who I didn't need copious amounts of alcohol or weed to be able to, I don't want to sound vain, but I was pretty good looking and tall at that age, and that's pretty much the only reason I ever had any kind of success with women at all. The only parties I went to I was never really invited but invited to tag along because there really wasn't a maximum amount of guests or I was invited because I had lots of weed. Why I had lots of intense interests that people used to get bored hearing me talk about and why people used to roll their eyes at me when we were talking. Why I have always had these ticks and habits that have freaked people out (mostly excessive blinking and winking. Why I spend the best years of my life alone in a room.

 

When I'm laying on my death bed (assuming that I will die in that situation) and having to look back at the once in eternity time that I had here, and the one opportunity that I got to be young (now over), that even though it was wasted and I didn't really enjoy it like most people that age did, at least I know now that it wasn't me making bad decisions and me being a failure, now I know that because I have aspergers that it was going to happen anyway and there wasn't a great deal I could have done to save it.

 

Speaking of things that p*ss me off! Another thing that bothers me is the fact that I never experienced the good traits of aspergers syndrome.

Whenever I read up on anything about aspergers syndrome, it always praises the intelligence of aspies and points to some of the greatest artistic and scientific minds in history (Darwin, Edison, Mozart, Newton, Allen, Gates, Orwell) and it always states that aspies are usually above average in intelligence and all that, but I never was... Where is my intelligence? I can barely pass an entry level college course, I will never share my GCSE results with anybody. So basically I have some kind of mental problem I was born with and have no hope of ever getting rid of, and I seem to be one of the few people who have it who not don't have the usual high intelligence, but happen to be the complete opposite who can't even do basic maths. What the hell?

[Hughey]

I guess what I mean is that I didn't just completely fail, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20.

I didn't know about it, so maybe if I did I might not have failed, and at least I know that it wasn't just me.

[Lyndalou]

Hi Hughey

 

You sound very low and it looks to me that you are being really down on yourself.

 

You say that you are not good at anything but you have expressed what you are feeling clearly and concisely and that to my mind is a skill in itself!

 

I don't know how old you are but I've come to recognise over the years that just because you were not good at something at school doesn't mean to say you are not intelligent or can't learn new skills now, even if it takes you a while to do it. Maybe you're not good at maths? That's one subject out of many! Ok, you need to know the basics to budget etc but lots of people are rubbish at maths. Perhaps you are quite computer literate because you mention that? Maybe you could build on this? Above average intelligence (which you probably are) doesn't automatically put you in the genius category!

 

Perhaps the first step though is that you need to find a way to increase your confidence and to learn to like yourself. It may sound weird but repeating positive things about myself to myself aloud repeatedly and typing those things out in big capital letters and sticking them to the wall helped me see I wasn't nearly as stupid or unlikeable as I thought I was in my mid twenties. It may also be an idea to try to cut out the weed as it's likely to magnify all the negative points in your life.

Edited May 8, 2011 by Lyndalou

[Hughey]

I'm 22.

 

I don't think I'm being down on myself, I'm just saying that at least it wasn't just me who messed up my youth and made the supposed best years of my life into a nightmare. I can't quite decide if it makes hind sight any more of a ######. I was depressed because I thought that I was a naturally insufferable person who couldn't socialize and its all my fault that I messed everything up, but then I learned all this about me having aspergers disease (it is a disease in my mind) and then I realized it wasn't just me which was a relief. But then even though it wasn't just me, it just annoys me that I was born with this ###### in my head and I never ever got a chance.

 

I have a very low I.Q (89), I have a very limited vocabulary and thank god for spell check on vista. I was in special education in school and I have been a very slow learner. I'm not trying to be down on myself, I'm just saying what I know about myself. I'm glad that you think I'm able to write all of this well but it takes me ages to write these things.

 

I used to write "I LIKE MYSELF" on paper hundreds of times with a black sharpie when I was younger. All it did was make a shocking find for my family and got me more therapy.

 

I will think about the weed, but I don't believe in the negative effects.

[bid]

Hi Hughey,

 

I have a dx of AS, and I'm old enough to be your mum with 4 kids, 3 in the age-group mentioned.

 

To be honest, I think this idea of your teens/early twenties being the best time of your life is a bit of a myth. I think there are very, very few teens who have a life like something from an American teen movie. From what I've seen, the inbetweeners is a much more accurate portrayal of that time in anyone's life!

 

I'm not trying to down-play how you are feeling...you do sound depressed. Just please don't think that everyone who doesn't have AS is having a brilliant, wild time.

 

Just to add: you say you have a 'very low" IQ of 89. Firstly, I'm not sure that is particularly low, given that 70 or below is the criteria for learning disability. Secondly, the way you express yourself suggests to me that you may have a much higher IQ score...all that IQ tests 'test' is your ability to do IQ tests, and people with AS have a notoriously spikey profile. Finding maths difficult doesn't mean that you're not intelligent, it just means that you find maths difficult.

 

Bid <'>

Edited May 8, 2011 by bid

[Hughey]

Hi.

 

What's "dx" of AS?

 

I don't think life would be perfect if I didn't have it, and I know there are much worse ways to live.

Although I agree that teenage life is much different to Hollywood and is very similar to stuff like the Inbetweeners (which is funny just because of how realistic the show is in some ways), and I know that the teen years are a pain in the ######. But I would hear people talking about their nights and their weekends and when I went to college I heard the same thing, and I just kinda missed out. I wish I had some happy memories and some friends and maybe a decent girlfriend... at the same time I wish I had some crappy times that weren't to do with being socially awkward too.

 

Its bellow average. Learning things has always been more of a headache and something that caused me a lot of stress, rather than something I can just do. It takes me ages to write these things.

I thought that was the definition of being unintelligent, not able to do things easily with your head. Unless you are dyscalculic.

[Lyndalou]

Hi again Hughey

 

I didn't mean to make assumptions in my last post and I'm sorry if it came across that way - I'll try not to do it in this one.

 

I understand that it is very difficult to make changes in your life when you believe you are incapable of doing it and you wonder that if you do make the effort to change things will it make any difference anyway or will it just leave you feeling even worse? Been there, done that. Sometimes, I believe, you just have to make a concerted effort to make the changes that will make you happy but it isn't easy. It takes time and can drain you emotionally.

 

I am currently seeking a 'dx' (I believe that means diagnosis?!!) for AS but having lived all my life this far not knowing I had the condition I'm not sure if that was more helpful than not. In all honesty, it probably spurred me on to try to make myself happier because I had no 'label' society had placed on me to confuse me further but I made a lot of mistakes along the way that perhaps I could have avoided had I known. Maybe you have that chance? There will be people out there who like you for who you are and if they make snap judgements about you without taking the time to get to know you then they are probably not the people you should be trying to be friends with.

 

You say that learning things has caused you a lot of stress and this is the reason you feel unintelligent. I may be wrong (and someone may correct me here) but my understanding is that this can go along with AS but is no indicator of intelligence as such. I've always struggled with maths and day-to-day things that require you to do a bit of calculation but my ability to do it fluctuates. Although it has always bothered me I try to concentrate on the things I do better or well. Again, as Bid also has said, you do express yourself very well in writing and it does not come over that you are unintelligent as you believe you are.

 

Good Luck

[Hughey]

Hi.

 

No, you didn't come across that way, and I'm sorry I responded in a way that implied you did.

 

I am making the effort, I just wish I knew what I was working towards. I keep thinking not only of the next step, but the step after that until I can't see any further and I don't really know what to work towards.

 

I don't think that too many people even know what aspergers is. Whenever I say aspergers they always without fail say "as$ burgers?, what's an as$ burger?", and then I'm either a laughing stock or a sympathy case. But you are right, I bet there are people out there who will.

 

Thanks.

[Sally44]

Is that an Ass Burger with or without cheese?

 

I posted on your other QLC post. I don't want to give the impression that the only way to understand your difficulties is via assessments, because that may not be helpful to you.

 

What your posts do show is that regardless of "how long" it takes you to write them, you are obviously intelligent and funny.

 

So it is more likely you have a specific learning difficulty (or difficulties), or processing or integration difficulty rather than a global low IQ. Difficulties retrieving words and forming sentences maybe due to a speech disorder. My son's speech therapist explained my own child's difficulties are like a library of information where none of the books are filed in any kind of system. So it takes ages for him to find the words to convey what he means. His assessment results vary from 15 (where 8 is average) to less than 2 (where 3 is severe). It all depends on which skill is being tapped into.

 

But a specific learning difficulty must be very frustrating because it is like a tool kit without an essential tool that you may need to complete any number of jobs.

 

As for socialising, and making friends - could you join any clubs that are in your areas of interest such as a cycling club etc? I presume you are not in college any longer?

Are you living with family or alone etc. Do you have any social network at all?

[Hughey]

Isn't not being able to process and store information in your head the definition of unintelligent?

My inability to process and store information is the reason I can't seem to work well. I know you are trying to make me feel better about it. But I have come to terms with it a long time ago. My lack of intelligence is something that mostly bothered me in my teens but doesn't any more, I have already been through the self loathing and drama about it and I'm not any more.

Sure, okay I can write fairly well if I spend enough time trying to write something, but that's only because I just write copying the writing style of everybody on the internet.

 

No, I'm not in college and I already do stuff on a night... they are all just hobbies but its the only thing that brings me any kind of tolerance for life right now.

 

I live at home.

[indiscreet]

Hughey, I think you need a new, up-to-date IQ test. Whatever you say it's hard to believe from your posts that your present assessment is correct.

[darkshine]

Hi Hughey, I like the sound of you I'm sorry but your sentence about the best part of your life being over when your still only 22 made me smile - I'm only 30 and I nearly had a breakdown over my 30th birthday last year! It feels like I've lost something, and this isn't something new, I felt it at many ages before now. The hardest question people ask me is "what do you want to do?" because I sit here b**chin as well cuz its all passing me by but I don't know what to do to make that feeling go away.

 

What is the 'best part' of life? Being a child? An adult? Is it spent with others or alone? I think the best part could happen at any time and sometimes it needs hind sight to realise it. Like when something good happens, if you didn't get bad times, you wouldn't know when things are good would you?

 

Personally I always realise things were good when its too late and that time is going to end or does end, and then I get upset because I didn't realise it was good at the time - its quite irritating

[31770]

Ah, no, he says in 10 minutes he'll be going for the walk, he doesn't say how long the walk takes, how big the town is, or if he's going via any other country... He may still be walking, hence the not sleeping.

 

 

It's nit picking like this that has cost me many a friend lol.