Cant tell if a girl likes me and it makes me upset (very very very long post)

[dekaspace]

I wouldnt be upset but this girl seems random about her feelings, one day she can be all over me to the point of texting me quite a few times during day, and can do this for over a week at a time, then seem rather quiet not silent just more occupied with her movie or xbox game.

 

A bit of background, we met in mid January at student bar and hit it off, at first was just chatting via msn but within a few days had her phone number.

 

For first few nights we were going to bed like 4am up late chatting(and as she started work around lunchtime that was a good sign) then she would slow down her talking to me over next few weeks.

 

What I notice is that she seems to chat to me the most shortly after she goes on a date with a random guy(she has a profile online I found out) but never tells me she is going on a date, just says she is off for a drink with friends she hasnt seen in a long time, its only when she slips up she says she was on a date i.e next day I ask her did she get really drunk and have to get friends to walk her home and she is like "oh I was only out drinking with 1 person"(this has happened a few times) and/or says something like "oh it was only 2 drinks and a meal with a friend" then again a few days later "it was 2 drinks and a meal on a date"

 

On her birthday last month she got drunk and came home and told me she wanted me, to date me to have sex with me etc, we have been flirting since we met and often tell each other how we want to snuggle up together and sleep all night, or get naughty in shower jokingly.

 

 

Anyway around 3 weeks ago she suddenly got really close to me, texting me about 5-10 times a day, letting me watch her sleep on webcam as it relaxed her and one day when I said I knocked webcam over by accident but as she had seen me on cam every day for over a week shes would be fed up of seeing me she said "I always want to see you"

 

We had a date last Monday but she was quiet throughout and totally different than online but told me this was as she had hay fever and the day before she was walking around for hours with parents on a day out, so instead of an entire day out only saw her for 2 hours but when she went to get bus she turned around to me and gave me a massive hug and put her head on my shoulder and squeezed close to me!

 

When she got home I asked if heg was any better yet and she replied it was a bit better now, she loved our day out and wants to see me again, wants to show me around museum in her town etc.

 

Anyway I went in a caravan with my parents for a week so the only internet I had was in the on site bar which internet was restricted to almost dial up speeds and msn wouldnt log in correct but I managed once and her avatar pic was of her in a sexy dress leaning over cam, and when I said hi she blanked me for 5 minutes then the pic changed to one of her face and she said hi and was a little quieter than usual.

 

Over the follwing few days she never seemed to be online much(she finished work at 1.30 normally, home at 2 and straight online all day) and when she did she was quiet.

 

I got back last night to find her status which had about 8 "red lips" and 2 "kisses" and the name Alex in the middle(not my name) and she pretty much blanked me all night and when she said she was off to bed she stayed logged in(in the 4 months I have known her she has never done this before" her webcam is "broken" now.

 

Tonight she was blanking me most of the night and just claimed it was down to her watching a movie then logged off at random at 8.45pm so I text her at 9 to check she was ok and she said she was going to bed as she was tired so I text back saying I would too as was still exhausted from holiday.

 

A few minutes later she logs back on but blanks me for 5 minutes and then replies to my basic question of asking if she felt less tired as "a little but may go back to bed soon" then blanked me totally then a hour later logs back off.

 

I either think she is now dating this "Adam" guy or didnt like our date much or both but either way want to be told so we can stay friends.

 

What are others thoughts?

[baddad]

Hi Dekaspace -

 

Sorry, M8, but it sounds to me like you're in what's known as 'the friendship zone', and a pretty one sided version of it at that! What she's getting from it is lots of support and lots of reassurance, but what you're getting from it is a lot of grief, unhappiness and confusion. Doesn't sound like a very good deal, does it? Even the suggestion that you might be 'hug-(I'm using the word 'hug' there as a metaphor for something else)-buddies' is one sided; she's just amplifying her emotional commitment to rationalise the fact that she wants 'sex' so that later she can neatly file it away under the heading 'mistake' or 'confusion' or 'misunderstanding'. Probably what she really wants is a gay, male BFF (been watching too much Will & Grace or re-reading Bridget Jones' Diary), but in lieu of that a 'Leonard & Penny' relationship (do you watch The Big Bang thoery?) will do at a pinch...

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this girl is a b*tch or anything like that (though what she is doing is quite callous in what is hopefully a thoughtless, casual way) - she could be absolutely lovely and potentially a very genuine 'friend'. But that's not what she's being at the moment, and it's very unlikely that's how things will evolve unless YOU can address the situation and change the dynamic to one that is more equal and genuine. And that means acknowledging your in the 'friendhsip zone', understanding that if you do become 'hug-buddies', it's exactly that and you shouldn't invest too heavily in it, and not pinning all your hopes into it evolving naturally into something more mutually fulfilling.

 

My guess is you've already heard phrases like 'you're too nice for me', and 'You're like a brother too me' and all sorts of 'I wishes' that are little more than variations on that theme.

 

Of course, you have to make your own mind up about whether you want / can handle a friendship like that, and chances are as a young bloke you will convince yourself you want to/can. There's nowt wrong with that, but you do have to sign up for it in full knowledge of what you're (almost certainly) signing up for.

 

Another thing to think about if 'hug-buddy' is something you think you could handle is that women, despite the mythology, actually enjoy sex-for-sex sake too (increasingly they're open and honest about that, but it still suits many to play the 'chase me, chase me' Duncan Norville game and pretend otherwise) and that there's no victim if you both go into it with your eyes wide open (but not during! ). From the sound of it, it's much more likely to be the other guys she dates who are going to 'hurt' her emotionally, and extremely likely that no matter how much you think you can handle it you who's going to be hurt by anything that happens between you. If you are still up for it, the next time she makes the suggestion just say, 'fair dos - do you want to use the bathroom first, or shall I, or do you just want to get in the bath/under the shower together'.

 

The way to think about it if you can is that you got into the situation you're now in as friends. If you can come out of it as friends (or even BFF's) that's the best thing all round. Anything in between those points, just try to make sure you're getting out as much as you put in (and that's NOT a euphamism - but if talking euphamisms, make sure you don't get out more than you put in by taking the right precautions) and relax and enjoy the ride.

 

Hope that's helpful, and give her one for me....

 

L&P

 

BD

 

OH - PS: Regarding Adam, just assume she is in a relationship with him, don't 'poke' her or whatever it's called on facebook or whatever and just treat her as casually as she's treating you. I know that'll be really, really hard, but it would be for the best if you can. If things don't pan out with Adam you will be the first person she rings or pokes. Just make sure if you pick up the phone/poke back that you do so with full awareness of what you (and she) are doing.

Edited May 12, 2011 by baddad

[bid]

Hi Dekaspace,

 

There's a book/film called something like 'He's Not That Into You', but it could equally be called 'Shes Not...'.

 

Basically this book/film says that if you have to wonder/agonise if someone is into you, that almost definitely means they're not.

 

I would chalk this one up to experience and stop all contact because I think you will get hurt

 

When you meet someone who is really into you, it will all feel very easy and exciting, with no real wondering or angst...and it's much more likely that will happen if you are young, free and single rather than mooning around over a little madam like this one!

 

Bid <'>

Edited May 12, 2011 by bid

[dekaspace]

Hi Dekaspace,

 

There's a book/film called something like 'He's Not That Into You', but it could equally be called 'Shes Not...'.

 

Basically this book/film says that if you have to wonder/agonise if someone is into you, that almost definitely means they're not.

 

I would chalk this one up to experience and stop all contact because I think you will get hurt

 

When you meet someone who is really into you, it will all feel very easy and exciting, with no real wondering or angst...and it's much more likely that will happen if you are young, free and single rather than mooning around over a little madam like this one!

 

Bid <'>

 

AS of Thursday not only has she vanished from MSN but she is ignoring my texts and her facebook status has "in a relationship with Adam"

 

The strange thing is she was def into me a lot before last week I just assume she was quite fickle and would of gone out with the first guy that asked her out(since she was recently out of a 4 year unloving relationship where the guy cheated on her and left her)

 

I am fumning that she is deciding to ignore me now as it seems she just cares only about herself, she hasnt even given me closure!

[baddad]

AS of Thursday not only has she vanished from MSN but she is ignoring my texts and her facebook status has "in a relationship with Adam"

 

The strange thing is she was def into me a lot before last week I just assume she was quite fickle and would of gone out with the first guy that asked her out(since she was recently out of a 4 year unloving relationship where the guy cheated on her and left her)

 

I am fumning that she is deciding to ignore me now as it seems she just cares only about herself, she hasnt even given me closure!

 

Sorry she's messing you around, but truth is she probably was all along.

Adam will probably find out he's bitten off more than he can chew, or she may be one of those girls who just makes the same mistakes over and over and she's setting herself up for another longer term disaster. Remember too that you only have HER side of the '4 year unloving relationship', and the reality may have been very different.

Forget closure - you've had a lucky escape (even if it hurts like hell/doesn't feel like it right now). You may well find if things go t!ts up with Adam that she comes back to you for a second round of reassurance and support. If that happens, the very best thing you could do would be to tell her to do one, but if we all did what was 'best' for us these kinds of situations wouldn't develop in the first place

 

As of now, don't text, don't facebook don't ANYTHING. Very best with it.

 

L&P

 

BD

[dekaspace]

Sorry she's messing you around, but truth is she probably was all along.

Adam will probably find out he's bitten off more than he can chew, or she may be one of those girls who just makes the same mistakes over and over and she's setting herself up for another longer term disaster. Remember too that you only have HER side of the '4 year unloving relationship', and the reality may have been very different.

Forget closure - you've had a lucky escape (even if it hurts like hell/doesn't feel like it right now). You may well find if things go t!ts up with Adam that she comes back to you for a second round of reassurance and support. If that happens, the very best thing you could do would be to tell her to do one, but if we all did what was 'best' for us these kinds of situations wouldn't develop in the first place

 

As of now, don't text, don't facebook don't ANYTHING. Very best with it.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Forgot to say Adam lives over 500 miles away and somewhere which is about 10 hours by train(I know as I have family about 30 miles from him and thats how long it used to take me to get down there!) and even longer by car.

 

So its strange she has picked this guy who she has likely never met over me as I originally assumed she went with him as he was local and I lived 50 miles away.

 

I also assume she met him through her online dating profile that I found out she had.

[bid]

Ah, sorry about that Dekaspace

 

I think she has given you closure really, because she has made it very clear she is going out with this other lad.

 

Completely agree with BD...do not contact her at all!! I would bet that every one of the adults on this forum has been in a similar situation at some point, and I can promise you, no good will come of trying to get 'answers'. At best, if she does talk to you it won't really help, and will only throw up more questions. At worse, you risk being accused of bugging her or stalking her or something.

 

Just remind yourself, would you really want to go out with a girlie who can behave like this?

 

Cut all ties, no contact, and if she comes sniffing round you again if it all goes horribly wrong with this other lad, tell her where to go!

 

You will meet someone else, who will be so into you and so nice you will wonder why you ever gave this other lass a second glance, promise.

 

Bid <'>

[Tally]

I'm sorry this has happened

 

It might not be the closure you wanted, but she does seem to have made a decision not to be with you. I don't know if you'd ever get an explanation because she sounds really confused about what she wants anyway. I think you'll both just end up even more confused if you try to talk to her about it.

[darkshine]

I'm not sure if anyone has said this already but maybe she just enjoys the thrill of the chase - when your online you can be anything or anyone and people can seem so exciting and interesting and new, people seem to say more using computers or text messages (in terms of explicit things or honesty or whatever) they seem to feel more free to say things that they wouldn't always say to your face. Maybe that's the part she likes, the finding people but not the sticking around?

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Difficult one. I'm confused too! Sounds like this female doesn't know what she wants or is perhaps playing the field. The one thing that I would say is that I can understand why emailing/texting/internet usage are convenient methods of communication. However, unlike having a face-to-face conversation, those methods of communication can be open to misinterpretation – i.e. tone of voice, tone of text, etc. It can be so difficult to work out whether someone has texted a short and snappy text because they were simply in a hurry or on the bus, or whether they were in a bad mood, etc. I therefore wonder if there's a combination of the two things going on her – girlie is playing the field and/or doesn't know what she wants, and communication issues.

 

It can be difficult to be direct, but one thing I've learnt is that sometimes that's the best way to be – it can save a whole lot of angst. Also, at times, it can be no bad thing to lay your cards on the table and say 'I like you, but am getting mixed messages – I don't want to be barking up the wrong tree, so tell me how you feel. Again, that's difficult because there are times when it good to be direct, but not always and that's the tricky bit to master. When I was a teenager through to my mid to late twenties, I was painfully shy (used to get red-faced if someone so much as looked at me, little confidence/self-esteem, etc). I think with age/maturity comes experience and that can gradually resolve itself.

 

If friendship is enough for you, be cautious. Sometimes friendship isn't enough and she may mess you around on that level too. I guess what you need to do is assess whether she's honest, trustworthy, unselfish, kind, caring, etc etc (i.e. all the traits one looks for in a friend). Friendship as opposed to a relationship might be a relief to her too (much less pressure), but going by her track record, I'd certainly advise caution.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited May 18, 2011 by cmuir

[philipo]

one of the 'symptoms of asd is problems recongising body language .I'm 48 and only fully realsiing when a woman is interested in me.I realise that my last 2 long term relationships found it fustrating when chatting me up as i did'nt see the signs and just thought they were being freindly.One of the big pluses of asd in men ,and the same for women as well I assume is that the opposite sex trusts you alot more as there is a far more genuine emotional/feeling content in communications.Foe me I've noticed that women find it easy to chat with me as they understand that i'm far more genuine and not out for sex.my 2 main exes were midwives and ,i understand now that they chatted me up and they they instinctivley knew i was a typical porn reading,competeive male .its this aspect of asd's that the opposite sex loves as they know that the personal close stuff is far more a turn on .On the minus side as you found out ,the opposite sex can just use you as a safe freind knowing that you'll not be very sexually assertive.If you look at assexuality ,i think its called,its not about being gay or lez but more about not strongly identifying with your body urges,being a bit more aloof when it comes to thinking sex and power is a big important thing ,like most people or nts as they are sometimes called.This is why I get on well with non political lesbians and non abusive gay men despite being a bit old fahioned and certainly a heretosexual,i'e .its women for me.This aspect of asd will be a rich seam in the future in understanding the wider issues of what constitutes 'sexulity'.As you get older with asd you'll find this is a major asset in finding a more stable partner,but when younger just prepared to be d))))d around by the opposite sex who have little comphrhension of why they really like you.

[CEJesson]

I've had ongoing problems like this over the past 6 years, it is best departing from these goals and concentrating on your other aspirations, trust me.