Help on elevating mood

[Scottiegal]

I know J is having a rough time of it lately (school is building, his teacher was off several days in the last few weeks, and he's having bullying/teasing issues with some of his "friends"at school) but I'm getting concerned about his mood. Every time something bad happens (in his view at any rate) he is tacking it on to an increasingly long list of why his life is awful. I had hoped that with half term I could get him settled but he got given a time out a gym tonight for using bad language and it set him off again. My hubby and I have tried explaining that he should start each day afresh and to forget about the things that happened yesterday as we can't change them, but it's not working. Anyone have any suggestions what we can do?

[JsMum]

In my opinion: your son is storing his feelings and anger until he cant hold it any more and he reacts with bad language or turning the anger back within, which no daught have an impact on his mood.

 

So I would look at ways to help him vent his anger and frustrations, write to the school about the bullying/teasing issues let him know your listening and taking action.

 

I would also let the gym guy know how your son is, he may even have some techneques to help your son release some of the anger in a safe controlled way, punch bags, skipping ect....

 

How old is he?

 

If he is 10-14yrs old he could also be going throw the changes of hormones and adolescence.

 

Look at ways to help him express his feelings, maybe drawing?

 

Anyway he seems a bit like hes a erupting volcano cycle.

 

JsMumx

[baddad]

I know J is having a rough time of it lately (school is building, his teacher was off several days in the last few weeks, and he's having bullying/teasing issues with some of his "friends"at school) but I'm getting concerned about his mood. Every time something bad happens (in his view at any rate) he is tacking it on to an increasingly long list of why his life is awful. I had hoped that with half term I could get him settled but he got given a time out a gym tonight for using bad language and it set him off again. My hubby and I have tried explaining that he should start each day afresh and to forget about the things that happened yesterday as we can't change them, but it's not working. Anyone have any suggestions what we can do?

 

If giving him attention, listening and trying to talk it through isn't working I'd try the other tack and just tell him, 'yeah, well that's life, mate, and there's worse to come'. Most kids go through a phase where 'I hate my life', I never asked to be born' and lots of other variations on that theme become the daily dirge, and the more fuel you throw on the fire in terms of attention and sympathy the brighter it burns... I know that doesn't sit well with everyone, but there's a good reason why Kevin and Perry were universally recognisable comedy characters, and that applies to AS kids just as much as it does to NT kids, and while the worst years are invariably the teens it can happen at various ages and stages in life. It is very very 'normal' behaviour, and making assumptions that its abnormal as a first line of response is probably just going to muddy the water. And as i say, if attention, listening and talking through isn't working, what have you got to lose?

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited June 1, 2011 by baddad

[darkshine]

Like a lot of people I went through this stage as a teenager, except for me it didn't end. I couldn't talk to my parents at all about things and got the "yeah well, that's life there's worse to come" as a first response. They actively taught me that the world was bad, don't trust people, don't talk. At a particular low point (I was about 15) I screamed at my mum that I wanted to die, her response? She told me to go get a knife. Needless to say it worked and I didn't - but through this time my relationship with my parents deteriorated so much that I actually hated them - and I don't mean a brief childish hate either.

 

I do not hate my parents now - it has taken a long time - but I think I can understand why they made the choices they did and we all agree that they were the wrong ones.

I wish that they had even thought to try attention, talking and listening because at least I would have felt validated - I think all of us want to be heard sometimes.

You say its as though he is creating this list of bad things - I did this - it got very very long and I came to all the wrong conclusions because of it.

 

The best thing a very wonderful person taught me - was that when these things go unchallenged it is like being in a board room, but you are the only one there at the meeting, if nothing gets challenged then false beliefs occur. He said that changing things is like pushing a boat with your finger, you can push and push and see no change, but slowly, oh so slowly it moves.

I wish someone would have taken the time to talk to me when I was a kid and had the commitment to keep trying with me even when it seemed like little progress occurred - because the boat thing makes sense - you don't always see change as it happens then suddenly the boat is moving....

 

Oh and for what its worth, I think a dose of reality isn't a bad thing - "there is worse to come sometimes" - but if you realise that it'll be ok - that just because it gets worse - doesn't mean it won't get better - and have the skills to cope with it, it shouldn't be the end of the world.

[Scottiegal]

J is a very immature 9 year old and yes it may be that he doesn't know how to express his anger properly. Both at home and at school he get pulled up for his usual expression of anger ie. thumping his brother or a classmate. I did give him a cushion that he could punch if he was angry, but at one bedtime recently it went on for over 5 minutes.

 

School is aware about these bullying incidents as I mention them to the teacher every time they happen and I even spoke to the head about it when they were actually hitting J (which has fortunately now stopped). School does deal with it, but in my opinion the punishments are not severe enough to discourage it from happening. The worse thing is that most of the incidents would not fall under the usual criteria of bullying for an NT child - it would be regarded as teasing, but J takes it to heart and gets very upset. From what I can see J is desperate to fit in with a particular group of boys, one of whom is a nasty piece of work, and will do whatever they want him to. Looking in as a mother it seems like they are getting Jason to use a lot of bad language such as calling other people gay, and then stepping back to let J take the fallout. I'm hoping that when we go back they will have found someone to take on the extra 5 hours he's been awarded on his statement and have some supervision at lunchtimes.

[baddad]

J is a very immature 9 year old and yes it may be that he doesn't know how to express his anger properly. Both at home and at school he get pulled up for his usual expression of anger ie. thumping his brother or a classmate. I did give him a cushion that he could punch if he was angry, but at one bedtime recently it went on for over 5 minutes.

 

School is aware about these bullying incidents as I mention them to the teacher every time they happen and I even spoke to the head about it when they were actually hitting J (which has fortunately now stopped). School does deal with it, but in my opinion the punishments are not severe enough to discourage it from happening. The worse thing is that most of the incidents would not fall under the usual criteria of bullying for an NT child - it would be regarded as teasing, but J takes it to heart and gets very upset. From what I can see J is desperate to fit in with a particular group of boys, one of whom is a nasty piece of work, and will do whatever they want him to. Looking in as a mother it seems like they are getting Jason to use a lot of bad language such as calling other people gay, and then stepping back to let J take the fallout. I'm hoping that when we go back they will have found someone to take on the extra 5 hours he's been awarded on his statement and have some supervision at lunchtimes.

 

Ah.

I think this is a difficult one and I can fully understand how it would pull at your heartstrings and you would want to respond in the ways you have been, but if you don't mind me pointing it out (and it is in an effort to offer helpful advice) there's probably an unhealthy double standard you're applying here that's confusing things for Jason even further. When children tease him (or when, as they have in the past, are being physically aggressive towards him) you see it as bullying, and want to see severe punishments for those doing the bullying, but you are not applying the same 'rules' or expectations of sanctions when Jason thumps classmates, uses bad language or calls others 'gay' etc. If he is bullied, it's because he is a victim and if he is bullying it's because he's a victim... how confusing is that?

 

I do appreciate what you're saying about the other group of children J is anxious to fit in with, but there might be very good explanations for why the other child is a 'nasty piece of work', and other people might very well be arriving at the same conclusions regarding Jason. I don't think the fact that he has AS or is immature alter that fundamental dynamic - he is, at nine, certainly able to understand 'No', and the fact that he ignores it when he is told it (whether, 'NO you must not call other children gay', NO you must not thump other children, NO you must not swear at other children) needs addressing every bit as much as the behaviours of the other children you are labelling who also ignore the word no. If you don't address that you are providing him with far more than just an excuse; it actually amounts to a justification and reward - two rewards, in fact, because not only does he have the reward of 'skating' on taking responsibility for his actions but also the pleasure of seeing the blame projected onto others. There may well be additonal and more direct rewards in terms of extra attention, one-to-one time with significant adults, 'time out' from tasks/lessons he doesn't enjoy etc etc - all huge incentives for enacting more rather than less of the behaviours.

 

I'm not saying you should overlook all of those other factors that might be part of the reason he is acting in the ways he acts, but you also have to teach by example. You can't be responsible for the way other parents behave towards their children or the way other children behave (something I repeatedly reminded my son of at that age), but that shouldn't mean lowering your expectations of your own child. Ultimately, there are going to be people 'winding him up' and potentially 'leading him astray' for the rest of his life. He has to learn how to deal with that appropriately, and sooner rather than later. Additionally, you can't make the world a world that doesn't 'frustrate' him, you can only teach him more appropriate ways to deal with that frustration. There really are only two other options; an artificial and very limited 'world' the bigger world doesn't enter or a child who kicks out growing into an adult who kicks out and is judged/treated accordingly.

 

Darkshine - changing things can be like pushing a boat with your finger and sometimes that might be the only way forward, but it's a damn silly method of propulsion if you've got an outboard motor primed and ready for action and don't bother using it! And sometimes it's not what children want that parents have to give them, but what they need. Kids aren't able to distinguish those things for themselves, which is where parents (should) come in.

 

L&P

 

BD

[flappyfish]

My 11 year old (with disordered mood and high anxiety levels) reacts inappropriatly to what he sees as bullying. I am sure there are occasions when people have said unkind things, but when his mood is low, he misinterprets people's intentions, and so if anyone laughs in the classroom, he presumes it's at him and is inflexible in having anyone suggest otherwise. His TA is very vigilant as she knows this is an issue and I trust her feedback. But to him the feelings are very real. As a parent, it's quite understandable to want to save your child from this and to want people to know that these reactions arise from thei frustrations etc. However, seeing it from everyone else's point of view, no parent will be happy with someone calling their child gay, hitting them or throwing things at them (what mine did) even if they are autistic. The approach I take with mine is to give some empathy ' you threw your pencil case at him because you were feeling frustrated, and you couldn't think of another way of handling it.' I then set the absolutes ...'but you may not throw things. People get hurt that way' and after that we work through alternative ways of dealing with it. I would love to tell you that he has instantly responded in a positive way to this - he hasn't! Often we have hours of upset, of him feeling that I am against him ... However, I would be doing him few favours if I let him think that this behaviour was OK. Yes he is frustrated, and yes he misinterprets people, but everybody should be free from being hit, shouted at or otherwise harmed and he is part of everybody. Use these times as teaching moment. He might not get it straight away, but keep trying. It is hard (I am worn out with it) but it's important if he is to learn to co-exist with people he doesn't 'get' and who don't necessarily get him.

Edited June 1, 2011 by flappyfish

[darkshine]

Darkshine - changing things can be like pushing a boat with your finger and sometimes that might be the only way forward, but it's a damn silly method of propulsion if you've got an outboard motor primed and ready for action and don't bother using it! And sometimes it's not what children want that parents have to give them, but what they need. Kids aren't able to distinguish those things for themselves, which is where parents (should) come in.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

This made me laugh - I wish I'd have thought of saying that when he said about the boat thing in the first place!!!

I'm assuming you understand that I was just pointing out that sometimes things can be gradual but not to give up if it is gradual - think I prefer the motor idea myself though - got any for sale?

[Scottiegal]

I think I didn't put across clearly what I meant. J is being punished for his bad behaviour and I fully agree with that. What is concerning me is that J is taking everything from being punished, to being made to do writing in English, to the shop having run out of his favourite snack, to me making him go to bed on time and adding these to a very long list of why (in his words) his life is awful. I have already stood back and told him that is the way life is and it is clearly not having any effect. We have already had one incident of self harming, which he fobbed off as "I wanted to see what it was like" so you can understand my concern that this is symptomatic of something more serious.

[flappyfish]

We have exactly the same thing, and a self harming child is very difficult to experience and handle. You feel their anger/hurt/frustration very deeply. we can go from a little tiny thing going wrong to 'I will never have a job or any friends and I might as well be dead' in seconds. I do sympathise with you. My son goes to CAMHS which, although he doesn't like talking about things, does help, and has certainly helped me. I am less alarmed by this talk than I used to be and better equipped to handle it. School referred him when he started talking like that at school and banging his head. Could you seek a CAMHS referral for your boy? I'm sorry you are going through this. I do hope you manage to handle it.